So, I'm sticking around this time. I got some reviews that I'll reply to now.
RahXephon Good point. And just for you, I'm going to swap up my format. You'd better appreciate this. This mean's the story will no longer look like a script, or like it was written by a n00b. Of course this mean's It'll take twice as long to write a chapter, what with the paragraphs and all. Oh well, it's all for the betterment of the story. This is one time where ignoring the plot holes WON'T help me out!
Naon Tiotami It's great to hear from the future! I wish I was there. Also, parts I-VII were written when I was still a n00b. That's my excuse for the grammar/spelling mistakes.
And now that that's taken care of, welcome to the new, non-n00b-ish story!
Standard disclaimer: The Evangelion that I do not own is not mine, and I make no claims to own that which I do not have.
NEON GENESIS: EVANGELION: THE SUPER DUPER HILARIOUS NON-SHINJI-HATING SPOOF (NOW WITHOUT N00B) PART IX: A Lot of Nonsense
---SCHOOL---
ahem As the narrator of this epic, I would like to thank RahXephon for helping my role achieve new heights.
(A/N to narrator: Shut it!)
As Shinji walked towards his class, he reflected on yesterday's great battle. Wow. What a great battle.
Shinji is not the most eloquent of thinkers.
He found the room, and took his seat in the exact center of the classroom, which also happened to be right in-between that other guy and the recently reincarnated Toji. Kensuke sat in the seat ahead of Shinji, while the seat behind him remained empty. This was all part of Shinji's obsessive need to have symmetry. As Kensuke sat down, he noticed the empty seat behind Shinji for the first time and said, " Hey, if you want symmetry so badly, why is that seat empty?"
Shinji looked at the seat behind him, then turned back to Kensuke and said, "I don't know. For some reason I never noticed that seat before."
"How could you not notice it? Do you walk into the class backwards and sit down without turning around?"
Toji pointed at the line of desks between Shinji's seat and the door that had all been pushed out of order. "That's exactly what he does."
Before Kensuke could even begin to explain how insane Shinji was, and how it made no sense that someone so obsessive about order like Shinji would disrupt the perfectly aligned desks, Toji loudly exclaimed, "Someone's gossiping! Everyone eavesdrop!"
Gossiper #1 turned to his friend and said, "That's funny. I thought I heard someone eavesdropping on us."
The second gossiper, who's proper name was Gossiper #2, said, "Don't be ridiculous. Just tell me what you said again."
"Well, I just heard from Gossiper #3 that we have a new student in our class."
"How would he know that?"
"Well, he's psychic."
Gossiper #3 jumped up from his seat and proclaimed, "That's right! It was me! I'm the psychic one! I know everything!" He would have continued with an evil laugh, but his awesome, and somewhat creepy, powers told him that he might sound pretentious.
Gossiper #1 turned back to his friend and continued. "Man, that guy sure is pretentious. Anyway, the new student is rumored to be an Eva pilot."
At that moment, Gossiper #3 stood up and yelled, "Random Kid #4 is coming right now!"
Random Kid #4 (you know, the one from the third chapter?) entered the room and greeted his friends. "Hi everyone!"
Gossiper #2 completely ignored him and said to Gossiper #3, "Hey, why don't you stop being so pretentious all the time?"
Random Kid #4 (who you'll recall doesn't appreciate being ignored) cried out, "Pay attention to me!"
Gossiper #2 just kept on ignoring him. "Just because you're psychic doesn't mean that you're better than us."
But Gossiper #3 wouldn't have any of that. "Of course I'm better than you. I can predict what you're going to say next."
That Random Kid #4 guy kept it up. "Just listen to me. I'm important too!"
Gossiper #2, using his own awesome, just not quite as awesome as #3's, powers retorted, "But if you say what I'm going to say then I will react and I will think of something else to say. If I say something and you say what I said after, no one will believe that you're actually psychic. There's no way to prove that you can actually read my mind! Hey, are you listening to me?"
Even though he had awesome power's, Gossiper #3's brain couldn't take the strain of trying to understand what Gossiper #2 said, and he fainted. Gossiper #1 poked him and reported, "He's dead."
Gossiper #2 took the news quite badly. He cradled the deceased in his arms and cried. "No! Don't leave me! I loved him!"
Kensuke quickly saved the situation. "We're getting way off track here."
Shinji woke up at the sound of Kensuke's voice and found himself in a pool of his own drool. "Yuck!"
Showing a rare use of amazing brain power, Toji thought about what the gossipers had said. "Hmm. They said that the new student is an Evangelion pilot. Who could that be?"
Shinji thought about this for some time before venturing, "Maybe it's Rei."
Rei finally appeared on the scene and said, "No, I was here before you were."
Kensuke thought about this for a bit, then said, "Maybe it's Shinji."
It took Shinji a while to process this, and finally responded, "I think that you're right!"
Toji couldn't stand this any more. He said, "Look, there are three Eva pilots in existence, Rei, Shinji, and Auska. Shinji and Rei are in our class already. So if the third pilot is coming, who is the only possible choice?"
After a while, Shinji spoke up. "Maybe it's Rei."
"I think that you're right!" exclaimed Kensuke.
Before Toji could even begin to think about telling them who it was, there was a great rumbling.
Shinji totally lost it and shrieked, "It's Third Impact! Rei, we've failed!"
He was wrong however. It was not Third Impact. it was something much worse. An inter-dimensional rift formed in the front of the classroom, showing a portal into a realm of hellish brimstone and fire. Auska jumped out of the portal and it closed up behind her.
The only thought that was left in Kensuke's mind was, "Woah, that was awesome!"
Shinji totally lost it again and shrieked, "It's Owska!" (Read part VIII)
Unfortunately, Auska herd him. "It's Aaahhska!" and slapped him.
Toji tried to correct him with no success.
"Repeat after me. Aaaahhsssskaaa."
"UmmâĤAAAoouuuwwwsssska?"
This only helped him get another twelve megaton slap from Auska.
Well, this process continued for several hours. And when I say several hours, I mean the rest of the school day. I've got to move the story along somehow. We've been in that classroom forever!
---THE COAST---
Kensuke was about to complain about the lack of creativity in the scene's name, when it occurred to him that he enjoyed being alive. So, he left the scene that he wasn't supposed to be in anyway.
Shinji, in his Eva, told Auska, "See, I told you plot holes will go away if you ignore them."
Auska had never witnessed such a thing before. "Wow, I've never been witness to such a thing before."
This time Kensuke couldn't resist and came running back. "Author! You need better dialogue!"
At that moment Israfel arrived, and the UN released the hounds. Being allergic to dogs, the angel sneezed, destroying several buildings. The debris happened to land on Kensuke, knocking him out cold for the rest of the chapter.
(A/N to characters and narrator: I've warned you enough! Now focus!)
Shinji was amazed at how quickly the author dispatched Kensuke. "Wow, I'd better stay on script before something happens to me."
The angel began its rush, quickly pushing the dogs aside with only a few sneezes. The debris from those sneezes knocked out passer-bys who weren't really supposed to be there.
Auska then noticed something that the author had missed. "Why is this angel sneezing? I thought that Sachiel could do that."
"Well, that's true," Gendo said over the communication's link. "We couldn't find any angels willing to play Israfel, so we just rehired Sachiel at triple pay and put him in an Israfel costume."
"It's like some weird cosplay convention gone horribly awry!" cried Misato.
Israfel was not pleased with this. "What. You mean this isn't a cosplay? I quit!"
Gendo sighed. "Fuyutski, deploy Unit 00 in the Israfel costume."
"Sir, the Israfel costume is still on Sachiel." (By the way, this is the first time Fuyutski has said anything since Part I)
---2 HOURS LATER---
In order to ignore the plot holes, everything went insane. Gendo, dressed in an Auska costume, was in a Shinji costume and piloting Eva Unit 01. Rei had gotten in Unit 00, mugged Sachiel to steal the Israfel costume, and put the stolen costume on her Eva. Auska was in 2 layers of Shinji costumes, with an Auska costume on top, and was piloting Eva Unit 02. Shinji was pretending to be a bridge bunny, while Maya replaced Malchior, the Magi, who had quit with Sachiel. Misato and Ritsuko traded places. Fuyutski was drinking the NERV mascot's (that is to say, the moose's) water and the Moose was in a Gendo costume. The moose folded his hands over his mouth and whispered, "All goes according to the scenario."
At that moment, Israfel showed up. "I heard you were paying triple salary so I decided I want the job!"
The moose was very displeased.
---ANOTHER 2 HOURS LATER---
So, now the plot holes had all been filled in. But the situation was moving four hours behind schedule.
And Auska was tired. "Lets get this thing over with!"
Auska rushed Israfel and cut in half from head to non-existent tail.
She was surprised. "That was surprisingly easy."
But the Angel wasn't through. One half jumped in and exclaimed, "Hi! I'm Israfel."
The other half was not far behind. "Hi! I'm Israfel Squared! But you won't know about that until the 23rd episode."
Kensuke started to stir, and Sachiel came out of nowhere to sneeze and create debris. Kensuke was once again, knocked out for the rest of the chapter.
Auska on the other hand didn't know what to do. "What do I do? What do I do!"
"That's a good question," stated Israfel squared.
---ANOTHER 2 HOURS LATER---
"How did you do that?" Asked an incredulous Israfel squared.
In that time that was just fast-forwarded through, Shinji and Auska had managed to release the hounds, launch the jets, and fire the tanks, but nothing worked. In the end, it was Misato that took out the original Israfel.
"Well, all I've done is observe the author's techniques," she explained. "All I did was release the hounds to attack Israfel, and he sneezed. The blast threw debris up in the air that landed on Israfel and knocked him out."
"What a degrading way to be destroyed! Killed by friendly fire," mourned Israfel squared. "Well, to protect myself from such a fate, I quit!"
And with that, the 7th angel was defeated.
THE END
I think that's one of the longest chapters yet. I'm not going to check or anything, but you can go ahead and do it for me if you have nothing better to do.
Please review, and check back every once in a while to see if I've updated!