This does not belong to me, it is merely borrowed.

Chapter Five

It had started again, the madness, even the Slytherin chits had gotten it into their heads that he was a vampire. Even after they'd had a meet and greet a clan of vampires, who looked normal, in fact had looked more like Muggle Elves, and yet still blasted Nosferatu, that wretched film had won out over commonsense.

"Mr. Jeffrey put that water down, if you insist on throwing it at me, do it avoiding the cauldrons, the water will not mix, damn it boy, what did I just say, every one out while I vent the room, Mr. Jeffrey you will attend detention with Professor Lupin tonight at 7, I heard that boy, ten points from Slytherin and an extra detention on Saturday with Lucius, you should know better than to cheek your head of house. Ms Harris you will drop that stake right this instance, go see Professor Flitwick and inform him of your actions. All of you out now, if I have to tell you once more you will all be in detention until you graduate, no GARLIC" his voice thundered throughout the corridors, as the punch of first years skittered out, with one belligerent child dragging her feet and the large wooden stake, occasionally shooting her Potions Master a dirty look, she'd been so sure she could stake him before he could do anything about it, and then she'd be just like Buffy.

Maybe he should just have his next lesson outside, and preferably it'd be brilliant sunshine and they'd all burn, and swelter as they stood over boiling hot cauldrons. That'd teach them. "Sir why do we have to be down in the cold dark dungeons," was always the question, and sometimes the smarter ones would twig that actually, it was because it was the best form of temperature control, when dealing with boiling liquids all day, the classrooms above ground became inhospitable, with the windows open leading to foreign substances ending up in potions, whilst here, they could work safely. But the majority thought it was because he was a vampire "Ms Harris, I suggest you find your Head of House within the next five minutes before you end up as part of my stores. I do not appreciate students trying to stake me. Now Ms Harris" Bloody girl, bloody muggles.

"Miss Harris, I can see you behind that door, you have ten seconds," Finally he could hear her feet pounding down the stone corridor, Flitwick would deal with her, he had similar problems when lessons came round to Dwarves, suddenly the more stupider of the students decided that he could tell them where caves of gold and treasure were, and would find himself stalked. And he could remember one year when one student with the intelligence of slime decided he was a leprechaun and trapped him in a cupboard for four hours until someone came and rescued him, thinking he could force Flitwick into giving up his gold. Like anyone with a bucket of gold would work as a teacher.

But then you had Lupin, who everyone knew was a Werewolf, and yet the students didn't actually believe it because he was far too nice. So instead of being stalked with bits of silver, he got chocolate and sympathy. God damn students. Though it was funny the year that the school worked together a whole to convince the new first's that Albus was really Father Christmas, the amount of times he had his beard pulled, or a first accidentally walked into him to check he had a big belly, and the barrage of Dear Father Christmas letters he got, that was fun.

It was funny, no matter how much the wizarding community declared they were separate from the muggle world, so many concepts had leaked in, the werewolf had been a muggle concept, it had predated wizards, almost all the mythological, or magical creatures predated wizards. And yet if you talked to any pureblood, any half blood not of first generation, they'd all swear that Merlin created Wizards and then he created Muggles. Well not quite, but it was amazing how blinded to their own supposed superiority they were.

Waving his hand around like Lockhart his voice simpering "Oh and you know those charming muggles, they have such quaint ideas, god, science and all that when everyone really knows that magic is the only real way" He could see how the muggles suffered with their healthcare system and politics, and lack of Voldemort. Sure he'd attacked them but he was no real threat, Muggles out numbered wizards probably more than 500 to 1, not that anyone had bothered to count. "Oh Severus, how it must pain you that your you know, a half blood. Awful shame really" He rolled his eyes, "Oh yes it is such a shame that I'm not inbred, and suffering from problems such as insanity and blood disorders." For gods sake, Muggles had understood the dangers of inbreeding centuries ago, whilst the wizarding community positively encouraged it. No wonder Sirius had ended up as he had.

Though he was sure part of the problem was down to the Weasley's, still pureblood, but each generation pumped out at least seven offspring… Everyone from the Malfoy's to the Dumbledores had at some point in their illustrious heritage had Weasley blood somewhere. Even with the male pregnancies he couldn't think of a single pureblood family who weren't slightly Weasley. And now with Ron and Draco hooking up as a couple, though part of him was sure part of it was the fact that Ron considered himself superior to what he considered the lowly Librarian post, it would appear the Weasleys would be affecting the Malfoys for the second generation in a row. With Molly being cousins to Narcissa, or the former Narcissa. Well Lucius was always into his bloodlines.

"Yes Lupin?" While he often let his thoughts drift in a manner to Potter, unlike Potter he could also concentrate on the outside world, and hadn't missed Lupin creep into the room, "You don't need your potion for a few weeks, Black is currently holed up in his family home, so that leaves me lost to the reason you've ventured down into the dungeons."

Remus couldn't help but be impressed, he asked the question without asking, it was definitely a skill, "So I was chatting to our esteemed leader, who was under the impression that if I offered you a position within the school that meant you didn't have to teach all the dunderheads, that gave you the ability to spend more on ingredients and a larger potions budget, that would give the chance to mold the school into your idea of how it should be, and the ability to hire and fire who you'd want, as well as a bigger pay packet, and dare I say it, more power within the wizarding community, you'd turn it down and continue to work in your dungeons, teaching the students you love, and working within a tight little budget."

"So you want me to be headmaster"

"Pretty much, so yes or no?"

"And I get to change the colour of the headmasters rooms, and I get to eat in my own rooms"

"Well no, you'd have to eat with the school at night, you know showing your presence, but you'd stop having garlic smeared over you, by the way you reek."

"Well you're lucky I'm even here, that little Ms Harris from Ravenclaw has a flair for the dramatic, she's tried to stake me more than once today. I wouldn't mind but the thing was almost as big as her, you wouldn't have thought that with how they see me, they'd use a toothpick to spear my tiny little heart, but no it has to be a massive bit of what looks like wood from the Quidditch stands. Which reminds me, someone should inform Lucius to fix that, we don't want it collapsing because Ms Harris managed to remove the vital pin holding the whole thing together."

"So you accept?"

"Do I look stupid, I get to finally rid myself of the Mouse and her sour screwed up expression, "Really Professor Snape, do you think you should be taking points off my students for taking ingredients from your private stores that you have had to pay for, I mean really when you look at it, they pay for them as you are paid from their fees" the evil witch, you know I took twenty points off one of her third years because they decided for some unknown reason, to scratch onto all of the desks – and get this it wasn't even words, just big swirls so they had to all be refinished as nothing was smooth. And she! She the witch said it was unfair as someone had stuck chewing gum to the underside of one of her desks, and nothing was done about that. I mean it could have been any of them, but we all know she blames Slytherin. So she then goes and takes thirty points off one of my students for, and this is what took the ultimate piss – mind my language, for turning up to a lesson five minutes early, as he was obviously there to be difficult. And they think I'm bad! Lupin, she's the first to go!"

"And Sirius?"

"No Lupin, as much as I sympathize with your longing to be with him, you two being mated-"

"We're no more mated than you and the Mouse, I wish people would stop saying we're mated. I happen to be an adult with adult tastes, even back when we were tormenting you – sorry back when we were at school he was more suited to ten year olds. I'd be more interested in being your mate than him."

"Yes well, that's not going to happen either, though I do admit to having a curiosity to how werewolves actually mate." He couldn't help but blush, well it wasn't his fault that whenever he saw either of the gruesome twosome he thought of two dogs rutting. "Anyway no to Black, Lupin" damn the whine in his voice, but Black made him whine, "Lupin, he tries to kill me all the time, and he just ruins any respect the students have for me. I mean what with them trying to stake me, and then laughing because he's turned me pink with purple polka dots. It's just not on you know. Just keep him away from me"

"Harry said much the same, to keep him away, but he gets bored on his own, sometimes I feel like I'm his mother and I have to keep him entertained. At least when he was here I just sent him into the Forbidden Forest, that kept him entertained and out of trouble. The nearest thing he has at his home is irritating his mother's portrait."

"No Lupin, just no. He can't be trusted, and since the end of Voldemort the Forest has more delicate creatures in, there's a fae dwelling near that pet of Hagrid's, and then you have rare moths and butterflies, no Lupin. He'd eat them, or scare them off. He only likes the dangerous looking ones. And quite frankly after his last visit, it took two months to get the unicorns back anywhere near Hogwarts. And the Centaurs are still demanding we give them his head on a silver platter. It's for his own good. If your that worried about him, send him off on some make believe mission, maybe into the darkest depths of Romania, tell him – ah yes, tell him that a bunch of Deatheaters have set up camp, it'll take him weeks before he realizes that the only danger out there will be him, and a few locals."

"As tempting as it is, can we really risk going to war with the Romanian's, and I'll have you know some of my brethren live over there, who have done nothing wrong."

"Send him somewhere, Alaska, or Siberia, tell him the Germans are after the Arc, he probably hasn't seen Indiana Jones. Just draw a little map, give him a few galleons and send him off exploring" alright now Severus was obviously enjoying himself, a grin was evident, as was that all too easily came by plot. But as far as Remus could tell there was nothing wrong with it. Sirius would be kept busy for months, and in that time might learn to grow up slightly.

"So Severus, if you like I could show you how werewolves mate one on one, a little practical experiment, you do smell rather nice…" oooh those pale white cheeks just flushed with colour like turning on Christmas tree lights.

"Like I said, lets not… Now if you'll excuse me I have some memories to remove from my mind before it explodes"

"Sure you old stud you…"

"Argh, bloody Gryffindors!"