Yo, Dudes and Dudettes! It is I, the brilliant and talented Michelangelo, here to present the long-awaited second chapter in the "Donut Wars" saga! Sorry it took so long but I've had to write in secret, away from the tyranny of the Red Menace. He's threatened to "stick his sai where the sun don't shine" if he ever caught me writing this stuff again, but the pen is mightier than the sai! I will not be silenced! So come, my friends, partake in the fruits of my labor!
Oh, and the TMNT is (legally) owned by Mirage. Whatever!
Donut Wars Episode II: Evil Has a Cream Filling
"CURSE THAT MICHELANGELO! CURSE THOSE OTHER TURTLES! CURSE THEM ALL!" Shredder yelled as he threw a whole bunch of expensive stuff against the walls of his fancy office, while his lackeys Hun and Baxter Stockman looked on. "I WISH I COULD USE ACTUAL CURSE WORDS INSTEAD OF JUST SAYING THE WORD 'CURSE'! CURSE OUR FAMILY-FRIENDLY TIME SLOT!"
"I'm sorry Master!" Hun said as he ducked a priceless Ming vase, which amazingly missed his big fat head and smashed into the wall behind him. "I swear I will track down those freaks and destroy them!"
"I will track down those freaks and destroy them!" Shredder mimicked. "I will hijack that weapons shipment! I will water your plants while you're away! I am so sick of your empty promises! Hun you kiss-ass, you are the most useless employee I've ever had! And since I'm over 1,000 years old, that's really saying something!"
"I couldn't agree more," Stockman smirked.
"Make that the second most useless employee," Shredder growled. "For all your fancy inventions, Dr. Stockman, you haven't done any better than this high school dropout!"
"You think I made it all the way to high school?" Hun asked, his eyes tearing up. "Why Master, I had no idea you thought so highly of me."
"Oh shut up!" Shredder snapped. "All I wanted was what every super villain wants…to eat my weight in pastries! But nooooo, Michelangelo had to take that away from me! Him and the others…what were their names again? Never mind! I will have my revenge on all of them and bring the city to its needs in the most ironic way! And since you both have disappointed me yet again, I am going elsewhere to fulfill my needs! Now get out of my sight!"
"But Master, what are we to do?" Hun asked.
"I don't know!" Shredder exclaimed, thoroughly exasperated. "What do you usually do when you're not doing my bidding?"
Hun looked at his feet. "Sit around waiting for you to call."
"Pathetic!" Stockman laughed. "I, on the other hand, have a life! I play online fantasy games with all of my friends from the Buffy chat rooms!"
"I DON'T CARE!" Shredder roared. "This scene has already dragged on too long! Just go away so we can get on with the story, before I rip off your heads and use them as bookends!"
Hun and Baxter quickly left the room. Shredder walked over to the wall and pressed a button. A hidden door slid open, revealing a spooky hidden passageway. Shredder walked down a long flight of spooky steps until he came to a spooky chamber in the basement of his spooky building. In that spooky chamber were a whole lot of spooky guys wearing dresses made of shingles, and very nice hats.
"Foot Mystics, I am in need of your magic," Shredder said.
"Yes, Master," one Mystic hissed. "We live to serve you. Except when the Yankees are playing, which you agreed was 'our time.'"
"I need you to cast a spell over all the baked goods in New York," Shredder said. "One that will make them very….unappetizing."
"It shall be done, my Lord," the Mystic replied.
"Excellent," Shredder smiled. "My plan has been set in motion and the turtles are doomed. Now all that's left for me to do is laugh maniacally. BWAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
----------
Early the next morning the turtles awoke in their roomy five bedroom lair, conveniently located one hundred feet below the warehouse district, a mere thirty blocks from transportation and shopping. They went to the dojo for their morning workout, where Master Splinter was waiting for them.
"Michelangelo, why are you here?" Splinter said, surprised to see his youngest son. "You do not need to train. After all, you are the Battle Nexxus Champion!"
"I know Sensei, but I figured you could use a break," Mikey replied. "Why don't you let me lead the morning practice?"
Splinter's eyes lit up. "Thank you, my son! It will be so nice to watch Regis and Kelly live instead of recorded for a change!" He hurried out of the room, leaving Mikey in charge.
Mikey turned to his brothers. "Let's get started, shall we?"
"Anything you say, bro!" Leonardo said eagerly. Don and Raph nodded in agreement. Thanks to Mikey's superior teaching skills, practice was a breeze; before long they were done and sitting down to breakfast. That's when April and Casey dropped in.
"Morning guys. Hope you don't mind us dropping in unannounced," April said, placing a pink box on the table. "I brought donuts."
"You're forgiven, then," Mikey smiled. "So what's up?"
"King Kong opens tonight," Casey said. "The first showing is 12:01 am, and there's nothing like seeing a blockbuster movie on opening night. You guys in?"
"I'll pass. I have a whole bunch of geek stuff to do," Don said.
"And I have a bunch of really cool stuff to do," Mikey said.
"Raph and I can't, we're on patrol tonight," Leo said.
"Yup," Raph nodded. "Do you realize how many thugs there are out there that haven't been beaten up yet? That's not right!"
"Oh…I guess we can go another time then," Casey said, clearly disappointed.
"Why don't you and April go?" Leo suggested.
"What…you mean, just the two of us?" Casey blinked. "Well…I…that is…what do you think, April?"
April hesitated. "Well…that should be okay, I guess. I mean, it's only a movie, right?"
"Right! Just a movie!" Casey smiled.
"KNOCK IT OFF!" Mike yelled. April and Casey looked at him in shock. "Sorry, but I just can't take it anymore. I mean, it's so obvious you two like each other. Stop torturing us with this whole will-they-or-won't-they routine and just get together already!"
April and Casey looked at the others, who nodded in agreement. Then they looked at each other. "Well…it's just that….we wanted to get to know each other before…" April stammered.
"You've had three seasons to get to know each other," Mikey snapped. "You know each other. Just do it already!"
April and Casey looked at each other again. "Mikey's right," April smiled. "Let's do it! Let's go on a date!"
"Forget dating, let's get married!" Casey replied. "You know that's how it's gonna end up anyway!"
"Good idea! Let's go!" April exclaimed. She and Casey headed for the door hand in hand. "We're off to City Hall. See you guys later!"
"BYE!" Everyone yelled, waving at April and Casey as they left. Mike turned back to his family. "So, does anyone else have a problem for Dr. Mikey?"
"Uh, maybe you can tell us why the donut box moving," Don said.
Everybody's attention immediately turned to the pink box. It was vibrating violently, moving around the table like a football player on one of those old football games where the board vibrates really hard to make all the little players move around…gee that game was fun. Do they still make those? Probably not. Kids today are all about video games and the internet. Back in my day, we didn't have virtual reality, we had real reality! If we wanted to play football, we actually had to go outside and toss around an actual football! And we couldn't just press a button and play as our favorite football star, nooooo! If we wanted to be a football star, we had to use our imagination! Anyway, the box ripped open and a dozen donut monsters, complete with tiny arms, legs, beady red eyes and sharp teeth, tumbled out.
Raph screamed like a little girl and jumped up on his chair. Everybody else jumped back from the table as the monsters scattered in every direction. They ran amok through the lair, ripping up furniture, breaking lamps and stuff, and tracking dirt all over the rug. Some of them were wrapped in tissue paper shouting "TO-GA! TO-GA!"
"We have to stop them!" Leo cried, brilliantly stating the obvious as usual. He drew his swords and started slashing the donuts into neat little halves; soon the lair was littered with dozens of tiny corpses. Powdered sugar and jelly was splattered everywhere. It was messier than Casey's bathroom (okay, maybe not that messy, but it was still pretty gross).
"Well done, Leonardo," Master Splinter said.
"No problem, Sensei," Leonardo smugly replied as he sheathed his blades. "I consider it my duty and my honor to protect my family from all who would threaten us."
(I don't know the literary translation, so just imagine the sound of three turtles gagging here)
Master Splinter smiled. "I know. I also know you will be happy to stay here and clean up the mess you have made while your brothers get to the bottom of this."
Leo's smile faded. "But Sensei…"
Splinter cut him off. "Leonardo, I am an old rat. I do not wish to waste the time I have left on pointless arguments, so let's just skip to the part where you shut up and do as you're told."
Leonardo sighed and went to get the mop, while his brothers hit the surface.
"Okay, April always gets her donuts from that bakery on Lexington," Mike said as they poured out of the manhole and into the alley. "We should start looking for clues there."
Suddenly a man ran screaming past the alley, a dozen donut monsters clinging to his body.
"Looks like we won't have to go that far to find clues," Don blinked.
The turtles emerged from the alley to find a city in chaos. Monster donuts, cupcakes, cookies and a dozen other sweet things I don't know the names of were wreaking havoc much like they had done in the lair; cars were run off the road and into bus stops, store windows were broken, and of course, there were lots and lots of screaming people running around like doped-up turkeys.
"If I had my lab I could probably come up with some really boring solution to all of this," Don cried. "But since I don't…what do we do now?"
"We do this!" Raph yelled, leaping into the fray. He attacked and beat the crap out of every pastry he saw, but there were so many he soon got tired and found himself in waaay over his head as usual. "HELP! Save me Mikey!" Raph yelped as dozens of pastries jumped onto him until he could barely move.
"Have no fear Raph, Michelangelo is here!" Mikey cried. He whipped out his nunchucks and started swinging; seconds later Raph was pastry-free.
"Thanks, Mikey," Raph gasped. "I can be such a bonehead sometimes."
"If you weren't, then you wouldn't be Raph," Mikey said, patting him on the shoulder. "Don't ever change."
Raph blushed. "So what do we do now?"
"Now we find out who's behind this," Mikey replied.
"It's the Shredder, of course!" Don said. "He's always behind this!"
"I know that, you know that, and the viewers know that, but we need a reason to go to Shredder's fortress and have a really cool fight scene," Mike replied. "Blame it on the writers. They're the ones who insist on a 'storyline'."
Warning: The following may contain strong language, disturbing images and un-turtle-like behavior, due in no small part to the author taking a break from writing to watch "Goodfellas" on DVD. Bear in mind that these are evil donut monsters, not people or small cuddly animals, therefore whatever happens to them is A-OK. However, if you're easily offended, skip ahead to the next bold print.
"Let's interrogate one of these little freaks!" Raph said, stabbing a donut monster right between his little red eyes with his sai and lifting him into the air. "All right, who are you working for?" He growled.
"Bite me!" The donut growled in a tough yet squeaky voice.
Raph took a bite out of the donut. "Mow what do you haff to say, jewk?" He said as he chewed, his words muffled by the creature's sugary guts.
"I say suck my filling!" The donut screamed, white cream oozing from its gaping wound. "You're just a pansy with a candy ass!"
"Tough talk coming from a guy covered in pink frosting and sprinkles," Raph sneered.
"Oooh, you like that, you puffy powdered puss?" The donut hissed. "Why don't you go honey-glaze yourself? Your daddy does!"
"All that yelling must make you thirsty," Mike said calmly. "How about a drink?" He held out a steaming hot cup of coffee.
"No! Not coffee!" The donut cried, suddenly faced with every pastry's worst nightmare. "Anything but that! Please!"
Raph submerged the donut's feet and legs into the murky liquid. The donut screamed in pain. "Not so tough now, huh?" Raph said. He and Mike laughed, but Don remained silent. A few seconds later Raph pulled the donut out. His legs were gone, completely disintegrated. Don quickly put his hand to his mouth to keep from blowing chunks.
"So are you going to talk, or would you like to take another dip?" Mike asked.
"Shredder's behind this!" The donut squeaked.
"Well duh," Don said, rolling his eyes.
"He got his Foot Mystics to cast a spell on all the baked goods in New York," the donut continued. "They're holed up downtown in his evil lair, in the basement. Security is very, very tight…unless you go in through the air ducts. For some reason they're never guarded, even though that's always how the good guys get in. That's all I know, honest!"
"Thanks, sucker," Mike said. "Have a nice swim."
"Mike, no!" Don gasped.
"NOOOO!" The donut cried, struggling as best he could without any legs. "I told you everything, I swear!"
"I believe you," Mike said calmly. "But you had to go and disrespect our father. Raph?"
"Raph, you can't!" Don pleaded.
Raph pushed the donut off his sai and into the coffee. A horrified Donatello watched helplessly as the donut thrashed around and screamed, "I'm melting! I'm melting!", slowly dissolving until it was no more. Once it was over Raph tossed the death cup into the gutter.
"You didn't have to do that!" Don cried hysterically, shaking all over. "You didn't have to kill…"
Mikey slapped Don across the face. "Get a grip, Donny! You knew when you signed on to be a ninja that things could get ugly. I won't have you going soft shell on me now!"
Donatello nodded and took several deep breaths. Moments later he calmed down and was ready to focus on the task at hand. Faces set in grim determination, the three brothers set off for Shredder's fortress.
Okay, that's the end of the "edgy" part of the story. If you read it and got all offended, it's your own fault for ignoring my nice warning, so don't go running to the guys who run this website and complain about "inappropriate ratings" or whatever. You know who you are!
The three turtles quietly made their way through the air ducts until they reached the Mystics' chamber. Mike peered through the screen and scanned the room; it was empty. He kicked out the screen and the three turtles dropped into the room one by one.
"Okay, now we have to find out how Shredder's controlling the donuts," Don said (he's almost as good at stating the obvious as Leo, huh folks)?
"Well, I'm no Foot Mystic, but I bet it's that thing!" Mike said, pointing to an eerie glowing donut hovering over a six foot stone pillar. He walked towards it, but as soon as he got close a wall of fire sprung up in front of him, pushing him back.
"HA HA! Now I have you, Michelangelo!" Shredder cried, emerging from the darkness with his Foot Mystics. "And your brothers too, I guess…Denny and Rick, is it?"
"It's Donny and Raph!" Raph snapped.
"And we have a brother named Leo!" Don added. "He just couldn't make it this time!"
"Whatever," Shredder shrugged. The important thing is that I destroy Michelangelo. Then no one will stand in my way! Foot Mystics attack!"
The Fire Mystic checked his watch. "We'd love to, Master, but the Yankee game is about to start. As per our union contract, we're out of here." The Mystics vanished into thin air, along with the wall of fire.
"CURSES!" Shredder cried. "Now I need some other lackey to do my fighting for me! Hang on a second while I call Hun." Shredder pulled out his cell phone and began to dial.
"Forget it, Can Head!" Mikey cried. He delivered a crushing blow to Shredder's gut, knocking him across the room and into a wall.
"That didn't hurt a bit," Shredder said groggily as he got to his feet.
"How about this?" Mikey asked, smacking him upside the helmet with his trusty nunchucks again and again with the lightning speed of a Kung Fu Master. POW! BAM! WHAP!
"Hey, Mikey, save some for us!" Raph yelled. Having softened their foe up for them, Mike stood back and let his brothers kick and punch Tim Grin until his armor was as dented as a...a…a tin can after someone's been kicking it a whole lot (yeah, like you could come up with something better)! Soon Shredder was lying in a heap at their feet.
"Game over, Shredder!" Mikey said. "This time you're going to jail, at least until your really expensive lawyer get you released on bail!"
"NEVER!" Shredder yelled, jumping up with a sudden plot-twist burst of strength. He ran over to the pillar and grabbed the glowing donut. "I summon my pastry slaves to destroy the turtles!" He cried, raising it high above his head.
The donut glowed brightly. Seconds later an army of baked goods streamed through the doors and made a beeline to the turtles, beady red eyes glowing and sharp little teeth snapping.
"They're too many of them!" Don yelled. "What now?"
"Follow me!" Mikey yelled. He jumped back into the air duct, quickly crawling up the shaft until he came to the room he was looking for. He kicked out the screen and crawled inside, his brothers bringing up the rear.
The room was bathed in the ugly yellow glow of florescent lights. The floor was dirty. There were several metal folding chairs that were dented and covered in rust, and the one table was covered in newspapers.
"What are we doing here, Mikey?" Don asked, looking around. "This place is a dump!"
"Close. It's an employee breakroom," Mike replied.
"So why are we here? This is no time to take a break!" Raph cried. "Those monsters are right behind us!" Sure enough, menacing growls could be heard echoing through the air duct, and getting louder by the second.
"We're here for this!" Mike said, pointing to a huge metal cylinder in the corner that stretched up through the ceiling. "Donny, do you have a Turtle Bomb handy?"
"Don't I always?" Don grinned. He handed it to Mikey, who stuck it on the cylinder and set the timer for five seconds.
"Let's go!" Mike cried, hitting the ON button. The three turtles ran out of the room and slammed the door; seconds later there was a huge BOOM, followed by a deafening roar. A few minutes later the noise died down, and it was eerily quiet.
Cautiously Mike opened the door. The entire room was dripping wet, the walls and furniture stained with a brown liquid that smelled strongly of…
"Coffee!" Raph cried. "That metal container was full of coffee?"
"About 5,000 gallons worth, I'd say," Don said, examining the remains. "But why?"
"You kidding? Think about all of the Foot Ninja Shredder has! It's way cheaper for him to buy in bulk!" Mike replied.
"Looks like it all went down the same way we came up," Don said, glancing at the air duct. "You don't suppose…"
"I do," Mike smiled. "Let's check it out!"
The turtles hurried back down to the basement, which was now under several feet of lukewarm coffee. Inside the Mystics' chamber all that remained of the killer pastries were floating lumps of mush. Standing in the middle of the chamber was Shredder, still holding the glowing donut high above his head. His suit had been rusted solid by the coffee, rendering him immobile, which of course had been part of Mikey's brilliant plan.
"I'll take that," Mikey said, snatching the magic donut from Shredder's hand. He ate it in three bites. "There. All the evil pastries should turn back to normal now."
"CURSE YOU, MICHELANGELO! YOU'VE BEATEN ME AGAIN!" Shredder cried. "I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS!"
"Face it, Shredder, that will never happen," Don said.
"Yeah, he's the most brilliant and handsome ninja in the entire world," Raph added. "When I grow up I want to be just like him!"
"Okay guys, that's enough," Mike chuckled. "Let's go home."
The turtles walked out the door. "I WILL DEFEAT YOU SOMEDAY!" Shredder yelled after them. "MY PHONE PSYCHIC SAYS SO! YOU CAN'T GO WRONG AT $2.99 A MINUTE!"
----------
"I can't wait to tell Leo and Master Splinter about how you defeated Shredder this time!" Raph exclaimed as they sloshed through the sewers.
"No, I wanna tell them!" Don snapped. "It's my turn!"
"No, I'm telling them!" Raph snapped.
"No, I am!"
"No me!"
Don and Raph were too busy arguing to notice that their brother was strangely quiet. Michelangelo didn't have the heart to rain on their parade, but secretly he knew they shouldn't celebrate just yet. The war wasn't over. The final battle was still ahead…one that would decide the fate of all pastries and the New Yorkers that loved them once and for all.
THE END (?)