The first round of dialysis, at least why she was conscience, went relatively smoothly, but far from pleasant. It was what she had to look forward to from now on, at least for a while. She had just woken up, and Kerry had informed her earlier that morning that she could get out of the room today…only to go to physical therapy. She must have dozed off again, because she when she reopened her eyes, Kerry and Susan were there.
"Don't either of you have anything to be doing?"
"Morning to you to Sunshine," Susan replied sarcastically as she walked over to Abby's bedside.
"I was serious. Chief of the ER, chief of staff, you've both got young kids, and stuff. And the hospital doesn't pay you to stand vigil."
"Abby, we.." Susan started, but didn't know where to go with this. Abby was miserable, and she was starting to make it clearer and clearer each passing day.
"You care, you want to see me get all better, I know, I've heard it before."
"Abby, what's wrong?" Susan asked bluntly
"That you think it's all that simple. There's just one little thing you can fix in your minds."
"And what's that?" Susan looked at Kerry, making sure she was hearing the same thing.
"No, that's the problem. In your minds, you think it's like a broken arm, splint it and it'll heal. This isn't like that."
"Then tell us what to do, how do we help you?"
"Right now, I don't know."
"How about telling us what you remember?" she risked.
"I don't remember."
"Anything? Do you remember who did it?" Susan asked, approaching the subject nobody had dared to since Abby had awoken days earlier.
"Nothing."
"Would you like to talk to the police, see what they've put together?"
"I guess."
"Okay, I'm going to try and get a hold of the detective alright? Do you need anything else?"
"San Pellegrino and a lobster dinner. No. Thanks."
"Hey," Susan put on a fake smile. "Pratt and Luka want to come and visit, would that be alright?"
"Sure. One at a time."
"Alright, Kerry, do you have any idea where that cops' number is?" Susan, of course, knew where it was, but wanted, needed to talk to Kerry, without Abby hearing.
"I'll check," Kerry caught on immediately, only hoping that Abby hadn't gotten it. Abby didn't say anything as the two got up and left, just stared straight ahead, seemingly lost in thought.
"What?" Kerry asked as soon as they were out of earshot.
"What?" Susan replied amazed that Kerry had asked the question. "What the hell are we doing?"
"We're trying our best not to make things worse."
"I think we've failed at that," Susan and Abby had been friends for to long for Susan not to realize what was happening.
"If you have any ideas, this would be the time.
"She's depressed, she's past depressed," Susan said and brought her hands to her head, before leaning against the wall.
"She was brutally attacked and in a coma for a month only to discover she'll be on dialysis indefinitely and she can barely move, what were you expecting? Mary Sunshine?"
"We have to do something for her, maybe get her outside..I don't know," she was grasping at straws ignoring the one thing they knew Abby needed.
"You think a few minutes of fresh air is going to fix this?"
"Do you have any ideas?"
"There's a reason I didn't go into psychiatry, Susan. Maybe just try listening. Talk to her, it doesn't have to be about what happened. Just be there, be her friend. Beyond that, I don't know."
"I've been being her friend, she's withdrawing from me, from us."
"You think I hadn't noticed?"
Susan shook her head, "Do they have any idea when they are planning to release her?" they needed to stay ahead of Abby, and right now sending her home was probably not a good plan.
"Not really."
"An estimate?"
"A few weeks at the soonest."
"Great. I'm sure she's going to love to hear that,"
"That would be the exceedingly liberal estimate."
"Think it would help if we could get her out any earlier?"
"Do you want her out sooner?"
"I just want her to start feeling that she is getting back to a somewhat normal routine,"
"She can't be released in her current state."
"Mental or physical?"
"Take your pick."
"Even if she was physically able…"
"Exactly my point. You know as well as I do that she wouldn't hire a home care worker, she can't take care of herself now, and that's not going to change if she goes home too soon."
Susan laughed sarcastically "yeah, lets try telling her that,"
Abby decided television, was a good source of entertainment, anything to keep her mind off of what had happened. She felt around for the button that would turn on the TV and finally after a while, she pressed it and volia, the picture appeared. Daytime television was horribly mundane. Talk shows, infomercials, maybe there'd be something of interest on the news? She looked at the clock, nearly one, no local news would be on, she would have to settle for CNN. Oh well, it was better then nothing.
"The case against Dr. Stenton is progressing quite well, according to Chicago area prosecutors," the reporter dictated as his image flashed across the screen.
"Dr. Stenton?" Abby muttered under her breath, the name sounded vaguely familiar, she decided to continue watching. Photographs of Stenton were shown, and then she knew why he was familiar. She felt her heart speed up, she started to sweat, her chest tighten, anxiety starting to overwhelm her. He was the one... The bits she remembered suddenly fit together now that her attacker had a face. How he had approached her that night as she walked out of the ICU, just back from checking on a patient. She squeezed her eyes shut, but the anxiety grew, he was with her now.
It wasn't just the dialysis and her kidney, or the poisoning that had been kept secret from her, it was her attacker. Damn them all, she thought hatefully. One of their own had done it, and they knew it! And had not only not told her, but acted as if they didn't know him either! She was past mad, she was fuming, so angry that tears were falling down her cheeks, she didn't even hear Pratt enter the room.
"You okay Abby?" he knew the answer was no, but not asking wasn't right, and just running up and hugging her would be a less than brilliant idea. She sat there, shaking, her mind had traveled back to that night over a month ago, for the first time, she was reliving it all over again. "Abby?" he repeated her name, trying to get her attention. He got nothing, but the news caught his attention, Stenton was pictured, Abby apparently had not remembered anything, at least until now. "Abby, it's okay, they caught him, he's in prison."
She heard someone talking to her, a deep male voice, it was familiar, yet at the same time more then frightening.
"You're safe, everyone at the hospital is on your side. Luka, Sam, Susan, Haleh, Chuny, Conni..." He took a small step towards her, trying to be as non threatening as possible, but he accidentally hit the bed, causing Abby to jump at the sudden, unexpected movement. "I'm sorry! I won't hurt you, I promise."
She opened her eyes and looked straight at him, but to Pratt it seemed as though she was looking straight through him, something was wrong. "Hey, Abby, it's fine, you're fine. It's me, Pratt."
"Please.." she whispered, still lost in her trance.
"Please what?"
"I wont' I promise," she was talking to Stenton in her mind, that's who was there.
"Won't what? What's wrong Abby?" His concern was mounting every second, this was not like Abby at all, where the hell was someone, anyone? "Abby?" he tried one last time. If she didn't respond, he was getting someone else. He looked down at her hand, how she had grasped whatever was available, in this case it was the IV tube, and squeezed it tight, her knuckles turning white.
That was it, he headed out, "I'll be back in a minute," and scanned the hall for anyone who might have a clue what to do. He saw Luka heading down the hallway, probably coming to see Abby, but was it a good idea brining in another male?
"Luka, probably shouldn't go in right now."
"Something wrong?"
"She um..." for lack of a better explanation, "she's out of it."
Luka glared at him "what do you mean, out of it?" he was thinking unconscious and was about to reprimand Pratt for leaving Abby.
"Freaked out. Almost catatonic."
"Page Susan now," he ordered and ran down the hall, grabbing a nurse before heading into Abby's room. Pratt complied, wondering exactly what was wrong now.
"Dr. Lockhart?" the nurse had arrived first, and ran over to Abby's bedside, seeing the state she was in. No reaction. Abby had petrified. "Abby," the nurse slowly reached over and pressed the button, turning off the TV, "hon, its alright," she reassured. Still, Abby remained still. Susan bust through the doors.
"What the hell?" she asked and raced over to Abby's side. "It's me, Susan. What's wrong?" she didn't receive anything, Abby was just.. there. "You're starting to scare me here, please, just... Say something?"
Abby didn't respond, although she could hear them, all she saw, in her mind, was Stenton. "Please don't do this."
"Susan.." Luka started, "we need to do something," either sedation or call psyche, but something had to happen rather quickly.
"What do you suggest, Doctor?"
"I don't know.." he said softly, watching as Abby continued in her trance. "Abby?" he spoke softly, knowing it would probably wouldn't do anything, but had to try.
"Psych. Have them handle it." The nurse nodded and ran out of the room to page the correct department. "Come on Abby," Susan tried again, reaching down, she gently grabbed her hand and tried to pry the IV tube from its grasp. Finally, she decided that the effort was in vain, it was more likely that she'd tear the tube than get it out of Abby's fist.
Abby, was slowly hearing Susan trying to comfort her, felt her gently touch her hand, but it was like she was paralyzed with fear, couldn't snap out of whatever she was in.
"C'mon Abby. Please," just then, a doctor from psych came in. Susan looked up at the new doctor, her gaze begging the newcomer to do something anything. "Help her," she pleaded.
"I'll see what I can do."
"Thank you," Susan hesitantly backed away from Abby.
"Dr. Lockhart?" the resident's voice was unwavering. She received nothing, just like Susan, Luka, the nurse and Pratt had. "I'm Dr. Nekokai, I want to help you." Still, nothing, just Abby staring straight ahead, hardly blinking. "But you have to let me, have to talk to someone." Ha, no she didn't, Abby didn't have to do anything anymore, she had come for the most part, out of the nightmare, but refused to move, to let anyone in. "Are you willing to try?" she didn't reply, but Susan noticed how her grip on the tube had loosened somewhat. "That's all it takes, you willing to take a chance, give it your best shot." Abby didn't answer, not surprisingly, and Susan, Luka and Pratt all exchanged worried glances, this was bad, very bad. "You're not being tested, this is not pass or fail, but to get past this, you have to want to." Her grip had completely let go of the tube, maybe she had snapped out of it? At least that's what the other doctors were hoping for.
"Are you willing to give this a try?" finally after a good five minutes, Abby turned her head, instead of looking straight ahead, she focused her gaze down at the blankets on the bed, away from everyone else, everyone who had kept his identify from her.
And then, out of nowhere, she spoke, softly. "Get out," she ordered.
"Are you sure?"
"All of you.. just leave," she shook, so angry at them.
"Okay. We're going."
"Wait," Susan started, "Abby.." she started to approach the bed, but Abby suddenly stopped her.
"Go."
"No," she said simply "I'm not leaving you like this,"
"Go away."
"And I already said no," she sat down next to Abby on the bed.
"Go away now."
"Not until you tell me what this is all about," Kerry had entered the room, and was standing in the corner next to Luka and Pratt, the other two having not yet seen her.
"Go away now damn it."
"Why are you mad at me? What did I do?"
"Just leave."
Susan just stared not knowing what else to do, obviously something had happened, but what? When she had left an hour ago, Abby was angry, but not like this. "Abby, please don't do this," she tried one more time. "Don't shut us out,"
"Why not?"
"Because Abby, we want to help, we want to get you out of this hospital, get back home, come back to the ER!" she tired to sound encouraging.
"Goodie goodie. Go away."
"Okay, lets go for a walk," she turned to the nurse and politely requested a wheelchair to be brought in.
"D'ruther not."
"Just to get out of the room for a while, come on," she offered her hand hoping Abby would let someone actually help her do something. Maybe if they got her out of the room for a while, it would help. They had to try.
"No. Thanks anyhow."
"Fine, how about watch a little TV then huh?" she reached to press the button that would turn on the television.
"No. Leave. Get the hell out."
"Susan," Luka's voice was firm, "come on," he nodded outside
"But..."
"Now," he looked back at Abby. "get some rest okay? We'll come by to see you later,"
Susan considered staying, but finally agreed and followed Luka out.
"What the hell happened?" she snapped at Pratt.
"She just... She was like that when I went in."
"Well somebody said something, or she saw something.." and then it occurred to Susan, "or she remembers,"
"There was a story on the news..."
"What story?"
"About the attack."
"Oh God," Susan said softly, it would explain Abby's behavior.
"Yeh, that'd cover it about."
"Kerry," Susan turned to look at her boss, who had been silent in the whole thing, "she didn't say anything to you..maybe you could try?"
"For whatever good that'll do," she paused, "I'll give it a shot."
Susan nodded, hoping Kerry could at least get through to Abby. A task, at least judging from the last meeting, most would deem impossible at the moment.
Kerry went in, stood just inside the door frame, Abby didn't need to think she was being ganged up on, probably didn't want anyone near her.
"are you here to try and convince me that Susan is only trying to help?" she didn't look up, but somehow Abby knew it was Kerry in the room.
"Seems to me that your mind's made up, you're stubborn, and believe me, I understand stubborn. I doubt I could convince you of anything you didn't want to believe."
"Then why are you here?"
"I'm not entirely sure actually. Not to check up on you since there's no point in that with half a dozen nurses and a twelve lead, so maybe to socialize," Kerry knew Abby wouldn't believe that one, she wasn't exactly noted for her close relationships with coworkers, "Maybe for a bit of peace and quiet. "
"Why didn't anyone tell me it was him?"
"They probably didn't want to scare you, or they didn't see it as relevant."
"So seeing it on television makes it easier? What? Did you honestly believe I wouldn't find out? What else are you guys hiding from me? Don't tell me there is nothing, because I'm not sure I can believe that anymore!" she shouted.
"Have you seen your chart yet?"
"No. Apparently that's being kept from me as well,"
She walked over to the foot of Abby's gurney and picked it up then gestured toward a chair by the bed, "Mind if I sit?"
"Its fine,"
Kerry pulled the chair a bit closer and sat with the chart in her lap, "First five forms are from when you were in the ER, are you sure you want to see this?" Abby nodded.
Kerry put on her reading glasses and glanced over the first page, "Initial temperature was 90 degrees, at least a liter and a half of blood loss in the field. Multiple stab wounds to the chest, abdomen, and back, evidence of physical and sexual assault. Thorocotomy in the ER, four units of whole blood, two of packed cells, two of heated saline, active rewarming. You crashed once, and received both epi and atropine, followed by lidocaine to stabilize your blood pressure," she stopped for a moment and looked up at Abby to see her response, if the information was actually sinking in. Abby nodded again, thankful someone was finally talking about it with her.
"A CT would have been preferable, but since no one was sure you would make it upstairs to the OR, it was postponed," Kerry wasn't sure if she should have revealed that detail, but figured if she was going to be blunt about it, she might as well do it right, "In the OR, you crashed another two times, required six units of whole blood, three of packed cells, and one more of saline. Some of the damage to your heart was repaired in the ER, his primary concern was stopping the bleeding. In the process, he had to remove your left kidney. Much to Dubenko's surprise, you survived the operation and the twenty four hours after it. Much to everyone else's surprise, and later dismay, you were comatose for about a month. Dr. Stenton was caught poisoning you. You woke up over the course of a week. Initially, there was some concern over neurological damage, but that turned out to be alright. Tests showed that function in your remaining kidney had been destroyed by what Stenton administered, but toxicology has been unable to identify the substance."
"I..but..I.." she couldn't form the words, didn't know how to react. The truth had come out.. At least she hoped so.
"It's a lot to process. I think it's probably why they weren't telling you."
"He was poisoning me up here?" she had originally thought that he had only poisoned her once, the night of the attack.
"He was treating you."
That suddenly made Abby feel sick to her stomach, that he had actually been involved in her care. She truly thought she was about to be sick. Fucking bastard!
"He's been remanded without bail, awaiting trial."
"Who caught him doing it?" she suppressed the feeling that she was soon going to be sick. Tried to ignore it.
Instantly, Kerry felt an impulse to lie, or attempt to sidestep the issue, but knew that given the circumstances any deception would only serve as ammunition against... everyone really, "I did."
"What..how I mean, did you stop him, or was it after.."
"I was in the room, had drifted off, he um... he tripped over a wire on his way out, set off the heart monitor."
"But he didn't do it.. Right? I mean you woke up before," she didn't know why it even mattered, just wanted to know.
"No, I'm sorry."
She nodded and then the feeling that had been with her since Kerry began explaining, suddenly came back full force. "I'm going to be sick," she said quickly. Kerry scanned the room for the nearest emesis basin and quickly gave it to Abby. Abby fulfilled her promise, how she had anything to vomit was beyond her "Thanks," she said once she was sure she was done.
"Feeling okay? Do you want some compazine maybe?" Kerry asked after mentally running through everything Abby was on, checking for possible contraindications.
"I'm fine," she whispered, but knew Kerry would see straight through that. She tried to get back comfortable into the bed, but it seemed that no matter which position she could get into, it was more uncomfortable then the last.
"Okay," not actually okay, but there was no point in saying otherwise, "do you want me to leave?"
"It doesn't matter, I'm going to try and sleep," she didn't want to be alone, but would never ever admit it.
"That's probably a good idea. You need to get some rest."
"It seems like that's all I do," she sighed as she closed her eyes, finally finding a comfortable position.
"You're recovering from major surgery and serious injuries, fatigue is pretty normal."
"I swear I sleep a good eighteen hours out of the day,"
"Like I said, it's pretty normal, and if the morphine wasn't making you drowsy, we'd be worried."
"Its good stuff,"
"So I've heard," she seemed to recall David Morganstern saying almost the same thing several years earlier.
"Valium would be nice to," she said, her eyes still closed. Unintentially she had set off major warning bells to Kerry.
From her mouth came the words, "We'll see, it's likely they'll want to switch you something a bit weaker soon," while in her mind, Kerry was chanting a string of profanities like a mantra. With Abby's history, wanting valium was not a good sign. She didn't receive a response, and looked down to find out that Abby had fallen back to sleep. Kerry returned to the hall to find Susan still waiting.
"How did it go?" she asked, obviously she had been crying.
Kerry shrugged, "It could've gone worse I suppose."
"She didn't kick you out, you did better then I did,"
"Does she have a sponsor that you know of?"
"That doesn't sound to promising, She does, I just don't know her name,"
"And without asking Abby, there's really no way to find out," Kerry thought aloud.
"I'm worried that you are asking about her sponsor, Kerry, what did she say?"
"She likes the morphine and thinks some valium might be nice."
"Wonderful," Susan replied sarcastically, "this is just going wonderful," she paused ," did she say why she's pissed at me?"
"It didn't come up."
"I'm guessing it probably wouldn't be the best of ideas to go back in there then?"
"She's asleep at the moment."
Susan nodded again, not sure what to say now, Abby was obviously mad at something, but what?