Marriage and Family

Chapter Fifteen

"Have you really forgiven him for everything that he said to you?" Leslie asked, taking a good look at Samantha's demeanor. "For everything that he accused you of?"

"Well…yeah." She replied, fidgeting around in her seat.

"That's not a very convincing answer Samantha." Leslie pointed out.

"It's the only answer I have though." Sam told her.

Leslie suspected that there was a good possibility that Samantha hadn't fully forgiven him for that incident. Whether or not Samantha was aware of it though, she couldn't say for certain.

"You know, he also forgot our anniversary." Sam mentioned.

"He forgot it?" Leslie questioned.

"Yeah." Sam nodded. "It took him two days to figure out that he had forgotten it."

"And how did that make you feel?" Leslie asked, already figuring out what Sam was going to say.

"It made me feel like I'm still not number one on his priority list yet. I mean I had dealt with the fact that Victor was going to be Martin's first priority. I didn't like it and I didn't agree with it, but I accepted it. Now though, Victor's gone. And I'm still not number one on Martin's priority list."

She sighed. "What do I have to do to get him to love me the way he used to? What do I have to do to get him to notice me? Dance naked in the street?"

"I'm not sure that you have to do something that drastic." Leslie chuckled.

"I wouldn't be so sure." Sam laughed.

"So you say that it took him two days to remember your anniversary." Leslie wanted to get back to talking about that incident. "What happened then? Did you two fight about it?"

"Of course we did." Sam told her. "I was really mad at him for forgetting." After a few moments of silence, she added, "I'm still mad at him for that."

"Did he apologize for it?"

"Yes." Sam nodded.

"Did he seem sincere about his apology for forgetting?" Leslie questioned.

"Yes, I think he was being sincere." Sam answered, thinking back to that morning. "He seemed to feel really bad about it and wanted to try and make it up to me by taking me out to dinner."

"Did you accept his apology and go out to dinner?" Leslie asked.

"No, not exactly." Sam shook her head.

"What happened then?"

"I started an argument with him and somehow we ended up fighting about his father again." Sam admitted.

"I see." Leslie nodded. Her suspicions were coming true. "Why do you think you ended up fighting about his father again?"

"I don't know." Sam shrugged. "It just happened."

"And why do you think you're still mad at him for forgetting?" Leslie asked. "I know my husband has forgotten before, and it can hurt our feelings and wounds our pride. But is there a possibility that you weren't necessarily mad about that?"

"What else would I have been mad about?" Sam asked confused by what Leslie was asking her.

"Is there a possibility that maybe you are still mad at Martin for all the things he said to you while you were in New York and that this anniversary incident was just something that you used to express that anger? Is it possible that you're afraid to show anger about that incident so when he forgot your anniversary you made it into a big deal and let out your anger under the guise of being mad for forgetting the anniversary?"

"I don't know." Sam shrugged. To be honest she hadn't thought about it like that. But Leslie was making some sense.

"It seems to me that you are afraid to let Martin know that you haven't completely forgiven him for what he said to you." Leslie wasn't 100 sure that she was right, but her instincts told her she was. "Is that true?"

Sam was quiet for a moment, staring at the floor and becoming mesmerized by the pattern of the carpet. "I guess…yes. I may be slightly hesitant to tell Martin."

"Why is that?" Leslie questioned.

"Well, when he apologized, it seemed like he really needed me to forgive him. There was this intense look in his eyes that told me he needed forgiveness like he needed oxygen to breathe." She would never forget the look in his eyes when they were sitting together that night. "It was so important to him that I didn't want to let him down. I didn't want to fight anymore."

"So you told him you forgave him when in reality you actually hadn't?" Leslie guessed.

"I wanted to." She answered. "I still want to. But I guess I just am not sure how. I mean, I've put up with a lot lately and that was just almost like the last straw. I'm fed up with it…all of it. I don't think I can take much more. I'm not happy anymore, but even though I'm not happy, I can't leave him."

"And why can't you leave?" Leslie asked. "It sounds like you haven't been happy with him for a very long time. What keeps you there?"

"I love him too much." She replied sadly. "And sometimes I just get so angry with him that I wish I didn't love him anymore. Sometimes I think that if I didn't love him everything would be better. I would just leave and then the drama would be over."

"Believe me, I've thought about leaving before. I've thought about where I would go and what I would tell him and the children. There was one time that I even had a bag packed and everything." She paused for a moment. "But then I look at him or I think about the good times that we've had and I just can't do it. No matter what happens between us, I don't think I'll ever be able to leave him."

"I think what you need to do is let him know how you're feeling." Leslie advised. "I think that it would help both of you to talk about what's been going on since Victor first moved in."

Sam had a feeling that would be Leslie's recommendation. "I've kept some private journals for the past few years, ever since Victor started staying with us. Now most of the entries are filled with ranting and ravings of me when I was angry or upset about something, but do you think that it might help if I let Martin read some of the entries?"

"He doesn't even know that the journals exist. I've never showed them to him before." Sam explained. "I just thought that maybe showing him would be easier than trying to tell him everything."

"It might." Leslie nodded. "I think it depends on what entries you show him. I would try to avoid any entries that you made in the heat of the moment and any entries that contain things you don't want him to know."

"Definitely!" Sam chuckled. "He probably wouldn't be able to handle it if he read all of them cover to cover."

"That seems like a good idea Samantha, as long as you two end up talking about what you show him. I think the journals could be a good way of opening up a dialogue for the two of you." Leslie smiled.

"You and Martin have always had a problem with initiating communication. Once you get started though, you're unstoppable!" Her comment elicited a small chuckle from Samantha, which was her intention. She wanted to lighten up the mood slightly.

"I know I asked you this a long time ago, but do you think Martin and I are doomed?" Sam asked.

"Doomed?" Leslie questioned. "No. You're not doomed. Troubled, but not doomed. I truly believe that with a lot of communication, you can overcome the problems you have right now."

"I don't think I can ever thank you enough for listening to me for the past two hours." Sam smiled.

"The only thing I ask in return is that you take what we've talked about here and apply it once you get back home. Talk to Martin. Share your feelings. Make him listen to you and be sure to listen to him when he speaks. Do you think you can do that?"

"It's not going to be easy, but I guess that we need to do that in order to make any kind of progress." Sam sighed. "Thank you Leslie."

"Anytime." Leslie smiled. "You know you can count on me to help in any way I can."

"And Martin and I really appreciate that." Sam smiled back. "But if you'll excuse me, I have somewhere I need to go."

"Oh really? Where would that be?" Leslie asked out of pure curiosity.

"Home." Sam replied.