First of all, we would like to thank everyone for reading and for your awesome reviews, and would like to take this opportunity to address a few of the comments made. This story was basically completed before posting began, and while some minor revisions were made, and may still be made, the ending will stay the same. The constant conflict between Abby and Susan is symbolic in ways that will become more apparent later.
Susan awoke at exactly 4:14, quickly grabbed a cup of coffee, and calmly walked up to Abby's room, surprised to see Kerry already there.
"Susan, nice of you to join us."
"I'm here fifteen minutes early, thank you very much, and Abby is still out if it, so I'm fine!"
"Actually, you're only twelve minutes early, and that's besides the point."
"You want to wake her now, or when the flight crew gets here?"
"Wait for the flight crew, I'd say."
Susan nodded and looked at her watch "should be here any minute actually,"
"I need to round up a flight suit, can you stay with Abby for a few minutes?"
"Yeah, of course, go," She watched as Kerry left, leaving her alone with Abby. "Hey lady," she spoke softly not wanting to wake her, and grabbed her hand, "don't worry, we'll take care of everything," she felt a tiny squeeze in her hand, not sure if Abby was awake, or if it was just a reaction.
Kerry returned shortly, looking only slightly ridiculous in flight gear, "Still asleep?"
"Yeah, I think so," she looked out the doorway to see two men and three nurses enter the room, the men dragging a gurney. "Hi," she spoke softly, greeting them.
"She ready to go?"
"Once she is awake," Susan answered and walked back over to Abby.
"Would you be willing to wake her? Chopper's waiting."
"I am going to wake her, but I don't particularly think it's a grand idea, to just shout at her to wake up," Susan fired before returning her attention to Abby. "Abby?" Abby mumbled something inaudibly, then rolled over. "Abby, its Susan," she spoke softly, "need to wake up for us, hon"
"Five more minutes,"
"No Abby, now, come on!" without thinking about it, Susan placed her hand on Abby's shoulder and gently shook her. At that, Abby didn't quite flip out, but was visibly disturbed as she snapped upright. "Abby, you okay?"
"What?"
"You just look frightened, nightmare?"
"I don't know... Just...I don't know. Who are they?"
"Flight crew, we're transferring you, remember?"
"Oh... Right. Can I have a minute?"
"Absolutely.. everything alright?"
"Just... Yeah...I just need a minute."
"Okay, we'll be right outside, come get ya in a minute alright?"
"Yeah. Thanks." Susan smiled and stepped out, next to Kerry.
"did something happen?" she asked.
"I have no idea."
Susan suddenly felt the pit in her stomach and turned to face the nurse "did anyone go in there while we were gone?"
"I don't believe so."
"you don't believe so, or you don't know so,"
"Don't believe so," she said plainly. She'd left strict orders as to who could enter, and asked a particularly trusted ICU nurse to keep an eye out, but there were no guarantees.
"Okay, Abby?" she knocked on the door, seeing that the paramedics were getting antsy.
"What?"
"can we come in, they are reading to get you on the chopper, get you outta here,"
"Okay." Susan nodded and pressed open the door, finding Abby in the exact same spot where she had left her. "Ready?"
She eyed the paramedics cautiously and finally nodded. "Yeah,"
"Alright then, hold on Ma'am." Abby sat there, telling herself that everything was just fine, that nobody would hurt her, when before she knew it they were outside into the cold night air.
"Abby," Susan asked on the roof, "do you want me to meet you at Mercy?"
"Its up to you," she wanted Susan there, wanted anyone who would protect her there, but would never admit to it.
"I'll be there, then. Within a half hour of your arrival if the traffic's light."
She nodded and closed her eyes as they hoisted the gurney into the chopper.
"It will be alright Abby," she heard Susan's voice, reassuring her, somehow sensing her apprehension. She nodded and before she knew it they were in the air, both Kerry and the paramedic sitting close by.
"Kerry," she kept her eyes closed, "how long until we get there?"
"Ten to twenty minutes probably."
She nodded again, and actually opened her eyes, taking in her surroundings. Sure, she had been on a medical chopper, but never on this side of the gurney, it was different.. scary.
"You okay?" Kerry asked, seeing Abby's fright.
"Fin…" but she stopped, Kerry was her friend, wouldn't care if she admitted that she was scared. "No,"
"Something physically wrong, or...?"
She shrugged her shoulders, and looked at her. "I don't really know.. I just have that feeling, do you know what I mean?"
"Yeah, I think so."
"I've never been the patient, well for this long, not able to do anything for myself, depending on someone for everything, its weird, its not me,"
"Takes a bit of getting used to," conversation was difficult above the roar of the chopper's blades.
"Its like they took 'me' away also," she whispered. Kerry just shook her head. The Abby everyone knew was still there, just a bit veiled. "You don't think so?" she looked sadly at Kerry, needing all the trust she could get. People trusting her, and her trusting people.
"You're still here, aren't you?"
"Yes,"
"Then they haven't taken you away unless you let them."
"Kerry, I heard the nurses talking, everyone has noticed how much I've changed,"
"People always change, it's a part of being alive."
"I didn't want to change, not like this, not to this." angry, depressed, the two words she could use to describe herself at any given moment.
"You can keep changing, in any way you want. Stagnation requires more effort."
"To make an effort, I would have to talk about it, how can I do that, when I cant even think about it?"
"So focus elsewhere if that's what it takes."
"That's half the problem, I cant focus on anything else, I've tried and I fail, then I get pissed at everyone around me,"
"Maybe you're trying too hard."
"Then what the hell do I do?"
"Get out of your head." Abby shot her a confused look, and shook her head, not quite understanding what Kerry was telling her. "A temporary cease of intrinsic focus can lead to a beneficial change in perspective."
"What do I do?" she repeated, needing clear direction at this point.
"Watch TV, read, write, draw, deal with other human beings. Distract yourself."
"So what do I do when everyone starts accusing me of withdrawing when I refuse to talk about what happened, because we both know someone will want me to,"
"Ignore them for now."
"Apparently," Abby thought back to when Susan and her had had their major blowout a few days back, "even if I do ignore someone, they still do what they want,"
"Not their presence, but... You don't have to be the person other people want you to be, or do what they want. Unless you're at work, but that's a different matter."
"I want to be who I was, not who I am," she sighed, "and we both now that wont happen,"
"But you don't have to stay where you are."
"Unfortunately, that's how I'm seeing it Kerry," she said after a minute.
"And I know better than to waste my breath trying to change your mind."
Abby smiled at that "well, at least one thing has stayed the same,"
"I suppose."
"Kerry, has Dubenko put me on the list?" for the first time, she actually was inquiring about a transplant.
"He can't until you request it."
"Oh," she said, trying to hide the disappointment in her voice and turned her head to look out the window.
"Do you want to get onto the list?"
"Is there really any chance I could find a donor anytime soon?"
"Yes."
"But not with my blood type.. It would take months,"
"There've been some inquiries among your friends down in the ER about trying to find a living donor."
"Oh no, no living donor, I cant, I wont let them risk anything for me being selfish,"
"If someone's willing to take the risk, it's not selfish of you to accept. Anyone in medicine knows the risks, what they're doing."
"And if something were to happen to that person.. I would never forgive myself,"
"The odds of anything going wrong are pretty slim, and the donor wouldn't be jumping in blindly, Abby."
"Yeah, true, but like I said with my blood type, I doubt there is anyone who could,"
"You might be surprised."
"With my luck, I seriously doubt it," she said as the helicopter began its slow decent.
"No harm in trying."
Abby thought about it, and by the time the chopper touched down, she'd made her decision, "can you talk to Dubenko for me?"
"Of course."
"Thank you Kerry," the doors were suddenly thrown open, the suddenness and noise causing Abby to jump.
"Everything's okay, sorry to startle you," one of the flight nurses mumbled.
"You're coming right?" Abby said ignoring the nurse as they unhooked all the equipment.
"Yeah, just a moment."
"okay," she was taken out of the helicopter and was suddenly surrounded by a crowed of people she didn't know, well knew they were doctors and nurses. 'its alright, just here to help' she kept telling herself.
"Is it okay if I meet you in the room in a few minutes?" She thought it over, then gave a very faint nod. "See you there in a bit then." She didn't get a chance to answer, before the doctors and nurses began pushing the gurney out of the cold weather and back into the safety of the hospital.
"She really that bad?" the flight crew nurse asked, once Abby was inside.
"Beg pardon?"
"Dr. Lockhart right? I went over her chart right before.. And I'm sorry I had no idea,"
"I see." The nurse smiled and jumped back into the helicopter, finishing up whatever was necessary. Kerry just shook her head and moved onward, wondering when Susan would arrive.
"They wont let us in yet," Susan handed off a cup of coffee to Kerry, as they stood outside her room, "doubt she's to happy right now,"
"Can't say I blame her for it. At least the transfer went smoothly," Kerry gratefully accepted the coffee.
"She did okay?"
"Yeah."
"Talk about anything, try to maul you? Or my favorite, flat out pretend you don't exist?"
"No incidents actually, if you can believe it. She seems interested in a transplant."
Susan choked on the coffee she was drinking, when she heard that, "you're serious aren't you?"
"It's not something I would joke about."
"She actually seems interested in, oh what's the word.. Living now!" she smiled.
"Maybe. I hope so."
"You don't seem to optimistic, you think she's up to something?"
"I don't know. I don't want to get my hopes up too soon."
"We're going to have to get her to talk about it sooner or later, she has to,"
"She'll bring it up if she wants to discuss it."
"you think its better for her just to suppress it? Forget it, pretend like nothing has happened, because damn it Kerry, we know that's exactly what will happen"
"I think forcing the issue is likely to worsen the situation."
"We don't have to force it, but.." Susan spoke, running out of ideas.
"But what? Just bring it up at every chance you get?"
"This is not good for her Kerry, at all,"
"Not much is."
"So you honestly think, just letting her ignore it, is better, in this situation?"
"Not so much a matter of letting her ignore it, as choosing not to beat her over the head with it."
"I'm just worried, that Abby is trying to pretend that nothing has happened."
"You've made that amply clear."
"Yes, because I'm positive of what Abby is doing, pushing it all away. Why else would she suddenly open up to the idea of a transplant?"
"In this mental game of chess, there are a hundred different possible outcomes."
"She has not spoken more then three words about it, suddenly mentions a second attacker, and then goes a completely different direction?" she said as a doctor stepped out of Abby's room, shutting the door behind her.
"If we're going to continue this discussion, it should be later and in a less public setting."
"Everything is always later! How much later, do we really have?"
"Probably not much, but this isn't the place."
Susan shook her head and turned to face the doctor, "Susan Lewis," she stuck out her hand. "How is she?" she didn't wait for the doctor to introduce herself, didn't really care.
"That depends on her baseline, really."
"Ohh," Susan laughed sarcastically, "doing that well then?"
"Actually, how well any patient is or isn't doing depends heavily on their baseline."
Susan turned and looked at the doctor, "sorry, I didn't catch your name,"
"Leslie Hernandez."
"Internist, critical care, neurology?"
"Neuro and psych."
"And I'm guessing she doesn't know you are a psychiatrist?"
"Currently, I'm the treating neurologist, so my psychiatric credentials are irrelevant."
"Ohh, then you really haven't met Abby yet," she laughed again.
"Don't worry, should they become relevant, I will be upfront about them. I know better than to lie."
"You are aware of what has happened, correct?"
"Quite."
"You read her chart already?" of course, there was other ways, the media being one of them.
"Not the entirety of it, but I was also briefed of the situation before taking her on as a patient."
"Lucky you, because honestly, I'm not sure I can do it anymore,"
"You won't need to while she's here."
"Thank you," Susan was relieved when Abby had actually accepted the idea to be transferred, she really believed that she could no longer be Abby's doctor, it was to emotionally draining.
"You're welcome, I suppose."
"So, how is she? I know she doesn't like to be alone and.."
"How she is, is relative. Go talk with her if you'd like."
"Okay," Susan nodded and stepped into the room. "Hi Abby," she said softly, not wanting to scare her friend. "Looks like you've got a room with a view," she gestured towards the window.
"I guess."
"Do you want to get up, and look outside?" she offered, seeing the couch that had been positioned right by the window.
"No. I can see from here."
"Alright, how was your ride?" she tried to smile.
"Loud. Not like flight rotation."
"I'm sure it was an entirely different experience,"
"Yeah."
"Do you want anything? Hungry, maybe want some breakfast?" Susan said glancing at the wall seeing it was 7:45
"No thanks."
"You sure? I'm willing to go search for chocolate, chocolate cake, sundae, anything"
"What's with the chocolate thing?"
"Just trying to get you to eat,"
"I'll have a BLT for lunch, happy?"
"Why not?"
"Because I don't, I don't have to give you a reason,"
"You don't have to do much of anything, but that's not... That's not the point."
"Then what is?" she asked looking Susan directly in the eye. "Because I don't see one anymore," Susan "Could you two please excuse us?" Hernandez asked and both Susan and Kerry smiled before leaving. "Dr. Lockhart, are you alright?"
She nodded but didn't look up, "yeah, I'm fine,"
"That's good, I suppose."
"you suppose?"
"Fine has many potential meanings."
Abby sighed, nobody would believe her that she was fine, she was starting to even doubt it herself. "But I am,"
"I'll hold you to your word then, as there seems no other viable option."
Abby looked up at her, surprised that this new doctor was actually taking her word. "Okay," she nodded.
"Mind if I check your vitals, it'll be quick, just have to make sure you're still stable after transport and all."
"The nurses.. They.. Um, they took care of it," She liked the doctor and all, but trusting her was an entirely different issue.
"Not according to your chart."
"Oh," she looked towards the door, both Kerry and Susan were gone.
"Well?"
"Okay," she nodded reluctantly.
"Thanks," she said and took Abby's wrist to check for a pulse.
"Yeah," she said watching Hernandez.
"Heart rate's up a bit. Let's see if your BP corresponds." she said, securing the blood pressure cuff around Abby's upper arm.
She waited until the beep of the machine told her that it had given a reading. "what was it?"
"not horrible, but still a mild concern."
"what..I mean," she was scared and her voice only proved it to Hernandez
"It's probably unrelated."
"Then what's it from?" she remembered Susan telling her she had a fever and then asking her to stop the penicillin. How Susan had warned her, and once again she had refused to listen.
"Infection, perhaps."
"Do I, um, still have a fever?"
"That's the next thing I'm going to check, although, you're warm enough to the touch that it's more a matter of figuring out how high said fever is." Abby nodded, giving Hernandez permission to go ahead. "In the ear or under the tongue?" she asked, holding a paper oral thermometer in one hand, and one of the digital sort in the other.
"Ear, I guess,"
"Okay." Abby closed her eyes as Hernandez gently stuck the thermometer in her left ear, and listened for it to be done, it seemingly taking a long time to get the reading. "One hundred and three degrees."
"Not so good,"
"That would about sum it up, I think."
"Its gone up, when I was at County, it was only 102.7"
"That can happen if you leave things untreated."
"They don't even know what's causing the infection,"
"Bacteria are usually to blame."
"Or a person," she was remembering more of the attack. The initial drug, she couldn't remember who had injected her, it was either Stenton or the other attacker, and the other attacker was on the loose..
"Do you think it was one of your attackers?"
"I don't know what I think anymore, it seems implausible doesn't?"
"That's not really for me to judge."
"I don't know what it is, neither does Susan, Kerry."
"The infection, you mean?"
Abby nodded slowly, "yes,"
"And the cultures were inconclusive?"
"I. I don't know if they took anything,"
"Seems like there would have been some blood work at the very least."
"Maybe, I'm sorry, I really don't know, if anything was done, I'm sure it would be in my chart," she didn't know why, but for some reason Abby actually was starting to trust Hernandez.
"I'll check over that, then."
"Okay," Abby watched as Hernandez did just that, flip through the chart that seemed to be now more of a epic novel of some sort.
"They sent blood work, but the results were inconclusive."
"So we don't know what's going on, what's causing it?"
"Apparently not. More extensive cultures may be in order if the infection doesn't resolve soon."
"But if you don't know what it is, how can you treat it? What if it counteracts with something?" she asked, nervously playing with the blanket.
"Broad spectrum antibiotics. It's not an uncommon method of treatment, should be fine."
"Alright," she agreed.
"Good. I'll have you started on them right away, if that's okay with you. It says in your chart that you have no known allergies, is that correct?"
"None that I know of,"
"Shouldn't be any problems then."
"Could it be from the dialysis?"
"Quite possible. That possibility has been discussed a bit actually."
"Discussed? With who?"
"Some of your treating physicians at County. They felt we should be filled in of the most important medical details. Sometimes charts alone don't cut it. Not at all unlike rounds."
"Oh okay, so as long as I'm on dialysis, I run the risk of getting pretty sick each time," she said, thinking she had only thought it.
"At least at first. With time, the treatments may become less draining."
"I cant afford this," she smiled and shook her head. "I cant worry about having to contract some screwed up diseases while working in the ER, while I'm on dialysis, I would never be able to work,"
"If you were to have a transplant, you wouldn't need the dialysis. You'd be on antirejection medications, so your immune system wouldn't be fantastic per say, but you'd be ill less. Be able to work if you wanted to."
"Seems a hell of a lot better then dialysis,"
"That's the idea."
"I think Kerry said she would talk to the surgeon about possibly getting me on the list,"
"If you want it, I'm sure she would."
"I do,"
"I'll let her know then. You should make it through the committees very quickly."
"You seem awfully optimistic Dr. Hernandez, what makes you so sure,"
"For starters, you have friends in the medical community, and there won't be any doubt as to your capacity for follow-up. Second, your condition is in no way your own fault."
"Its not the fault of many in my condition, why am I more important then the others. Those that have spent years on dialysis?" she wanted to believe Hernandez so badly, but she had to keep herself in check with reality.
"It's not a matter of importance. There are several factors that weigh in. Some people wait longer than others, it's a matter of UNOS policies more than anything else."
"I've only had a few treatments and I'm already sick of it," she smiled.
"You might not be on the list long. Who knows, there's always the possibility of a living donor."
"How much longer would I have to stay here?"
"It depends. If you're well enough to return home before a donor kidney becomes available, you wouldn't have to stay here until the operation. If you were to have the transplant, it depends. The transplant usually leads to about a week of hospitalization."
"Alright, besides the transplant, how much longer am I in for?"
"That's still up in the air. Anywhere from a week to a month."
"A month?" she liked hearing the week part, but defiantly not a month.
"That's worst case scenario, if everything goes wrong. A week or two most likely."
"That sounds better, I cant stand being in the hospital any longer,"
"They're not exactly the most pleasant accommodations."
"Yeah, well, this is better then the ICU, by a long shot,"
"Yeah, I'd have to agree with that."
"So, I'm guessing your not the only doctor I'm going to be meeting today?"
"Probably not, unless you'd like to put off dealing with the rest of them."
Abby laughed at that, it wasn't like they were going to listen to her anyway. "I'm sure that would go over well,"
"The nephro might not put up with it, but the rest of them, I can deal with."
"Is the nephro someone I need to worry about?"
"She's very good at what she does, but she's a bit abrasive."
"Who is it?"
"Dr. Hassan."
Abby shook her head, never having heard of this doctor. "Okay,"
"She's done a lot of research, and published a bit, but her reputation hasn't really gotten around yet. I suspect a bit of charm would do wonders in that regard."
"Oh well, sounds like we're going to get along fantastically," Abby rolled her eyes.
"It's not so bad. You don't have to work with her on a daily basis."
"No, but I'll have to deal with her for at least a few days a week, which is a lot more then I want,"
"It won't be for that long though. She's not horrible persay, just a bit curt. Socially inept."
"Wonderful," come to think back, Abby realized, she had defiantly not been the most pleasant person to be around lately.
"Do you want to know about the other doctors you'll likely be dealing with, or just wait until you meet them?"
"I guess I'd rather be prepared before hand,"
"Alright. Your internist will be Dr. Gershwin."
"Good, bad?"
"Technically proficient, senior resident, but she'll take good care of you."
"Alright," Abby noted that so far, all of her physicians were female.
"Cardiology, you got a fellow. Dr. Holmes, very heavily into research, she doesn't have time to see many patients clinically, so unless there's a problem, you won't see much of her."
"Why do I need a cardiologist?"
"Because you recently had heart surgery?
"Oh yeah," she shook her head, the combination of drugs and exhaustion were taking its toll, how the hell could she have forgotten the surgery? "Sorry, I didn't remember,"
"That's fine. You look half asleep."
"All I do is sleep,"
"After surgery, that's pretty normal .Your body needs a lot of rest to recover."
"Of course," she nodded, she knew that. "I think I need to sleep," she yawned. Hernandez was right, she was half asleep
"By all means, do. I'll go tell the others to hold off until tomorrows rounds, okay?"
"Okay,"
"Sleep well, and I'll come in to check on you in a bit."
"Can you leave the light on?" she asked, closing her eyes.
"Sure."
"Thanks," she said one more time, and rolled over as the doctor left the room.