By Kudara
Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager and all who sail in her belong to Paramount/Viacom and no infringement of copyright/trade marks is intended.
Rating: Adult
Feedback: Always welcome, feedback is what encourages me to keep writing. Please let me know what you like and what you dislike about the story.
Revision History: 12/23/05
Summary: Getting to know the others of Alpha Squad and themselves better.
Chapter 23 – Stardate 52722.64 (September 21, 2375 6:23pm)
B'Elanna eyed Seven worriedly, she seemed very distracted tonight…troubled might even be a more accurate description. "Seven?" B'Elanna asked, wondering just what was going on. "What's bothering you?"
Seven started, and stared at the half-Klingon, as if surprised that she was there. The blonde shook her head and replied, "I am sorry B'Elanna." Then the blonde went silent once again, apparently not noticing that she hadn't actually answered her lover's question. Instead she stared at the carpet, a deep frown upon her face.
B'Elanna followed her gaze, but could see nothing objectionable about the section of carpet the blonde was staring so fixedly at.
Before the half-Klingon could ask what was bothering her once again, Seven said, "You know that Lee and I have been talking about different events, and my thoughts and feelings concerning them." Seven raised her gaze from the carpet, and met the brown ones of the darker skinned woman.
"Yes?" replied B'Elanna confused, "Is something you talked about bothering you? Did you… did you want to discuss it with me?" She asked hopefully, though generally Seven was very open with her about what she discussed with Lee, the half-Klingon was also aware that there were things that Seven didn't like to mention. The blond was still very skittish when it came to discussing her time as a Borg, and the time immediately following her severance from the Collective. There were also a several things that Seven usually didn't discuss because she had moved on; the subject was finished, or so Seven thought. B'Elanna knew that Lee had, rightfully so in B'Elanna's eyes, convinced Seven that just because things didn't seem of importance anymore, they still could influence her daily behavior and feelings.
Seven began speaking, pulling back B'Elanna's attention from her thoughts, "Now that I understand my own actions and feelings better, I would like to tell you about what Lee and I have discussed, but..." her voice trailed off uncertainly.
"But?" B'Elanna asked, after the silence dragged out.
Seven looked at her searchingly once more, "I am not certain you would understand, that I could explain everything correctly. And that some of the things I wish to discuss might upset you," her eyes fell away at the last.
"Do you really want to talk with me about it?" asked B'Elanna, suddenly uncertain as to whether or not she was pushing the blonde.
"Yes," Seven's eyes rose to hers once again and her voice was sure.
"Then I'll listen, and I'll ask questions if I don't understand something. And I don't think that whatever it is will upset me, especially since it's bothering you so much. For some reason, when something's bothering you, I get more concerned about you than about me and my feelings." B'Elanna admitted with a self-conscious smile, feeling somewhat shy about revealing that piece of information.
Seven's face softened, and she nodded slowly. The blonde hesitated for a moment then requested, "Would you hold me?"
B'Elanna nodded immediately, both pleased that Seven wanted to sit on her lap and cuddle, and worried about why the blonde felt the need to right now. She moved closer to the end of the couch so Seven could rest her back against it, and then cradled the blonde as Seven sat on her thighs and curled up against her.
Seven closed her eyes and snuggled her face into the half-Klingon's neck, she inhaled the fragrance of her lover then kissed the darker skin there once before opening her eyes once again. "Do you remember the list Lee asked me to compile?" the blonde asked, settling back against the couch so she could look into the half-Klingon's face.
B'Elanna thought back, "The one where you listed what you had gained and lost from being separated from the Borg?" She hadn't looked at the list Seven had written down, but the blonde had told her what she was doing, if not exactly why, and B'Elanna could, and had, guessed at quite a few possibilities.
"Yes," replied Seven, looking troubled, "The first day we spoke, after you and the others left, Lee was able to detect that I still felt anger and resentment over my separation from the Collective. The list enabled me to clarify my thoughts, and determine why I felt that way, and whether I wished to continue."
B'Elanna frowned, confused, "I thought you liked being an individual?" she asked, her mind whirling with questions.
"I do, I am thankful that Captain Janeway insisted that I have the chance to become an individual. That thankfulness, while having a mitigating effect on the resentment I feel over being severed from the Collective, does not entirely eliminate it." Seven explained, as she watched B'Elanna closely.
B'Elanna could clearly feel the blonde's growing tenseness, realized that this was one of the things Seven thought she might get upset about. However, the half-Klingon understood what Seven was saying perfectly. "Sort of like I'm glad to be alive, but I still resent Janeway for going against my wishes, and letting the Doctor use that Cardassian butcher Moset's hologram and the knowledge he gained from torturing Bajorians, to get that alien that was leeched onto me, off."
Seven's eyes widened in understanding and relief, as she realized that B'Elanna did understand what she was feeling. "I am very pleased that you are still alive as well," the blonde informed her seriously, as she reached up and caressed the caramel toned cheek of her lover.
B'Elanna responded to the statement by leaning down and kissing the blonde gently, but pulled away before it became too passionate. She had some questions she would like answered if Seven was willing. She waited until Seven opened her eyes and glanced up at her questioningly. Gently she asked, "So what does the list have to do with the resentment you still feel?" Seven immediately tensed up again. "Seven, I really want to understand what's bothering you." Blue eyes met hers for a long moment, judging her sincerity, and apparently trusting it, for Seven began speaking in the next moment.
"The list itself is not important; it merely helped me understand why I still felt angry about being severed. It helped me clarify what and how I felt at that time, and even thought I was not capable of every human emotion, I was capable of feeling anger and fear. My first few months aboard Voyager I became very familiar with those two emotions." Seven admitted. She stared at B'Elanna uncertainly; "I am not sure how to explain to you…" the blonde trailed off.
Seven straightened, and rested against the arm of the couch as she began speaking once again. "I was assimilated at the age of six, and placed in a maturation chamber. Most of my internal implants developed during that time, along with my human body. When I was mature, I was removed from the chamber, my body armor, and my eyepiece were added. I did not remember having a human body, my implants, my body armor, were complete when I became a functional drone and received my first designation." Seven paused in her recitation, looking searchingly into B'Elanna's face.
B'Elanna was still trying to figure out exactly what Seven was trying to tell her. Suddenly it dawned on her, "You didn't see your implants as being something the Borg added to you, they were just a part of you, because you couldn't remember ever being any other way." she blurted out.
Seven breathed a sigh of relief, "Yes, at that time I didn't remember being any other way."
B'Elanna felt a moment of unease, wondering if the resentment Seven had said she was still feeling, was due to the removal of her implants. Before she could ask, Seven continued.
"When I was severed from the Collective my human body began to reject my Borg implants. Nothing was done to reverse this process when it first began. By the time I was awakened, and informed that I would be staying aboard Voyager, it was already too late. When I expressed my wishes to rejoin the Borg, I was informed that I would die without medical care, and my wishes to be deactivated rather than become more human, were ignored." Seven's voice shook slightly and B'Elanna could see she how angered and distressed she was as she recalled the events.
B'Elanna didn't know what to say, she was starting to get a clear idea of Seven's dilemma. She didn't doubt that Seven appreciated being an individual now, which meant that Janeway had been right to insist that Seven stay with them, and become human. But looking into Seven's bitterly angry face, and hearing that she had asked to be allowed to die… "I never knew that." B'Elanna admitted, more to say something to Seven than anything else, while she tried to think. Seven glanced at her with a surprised look, "Oh, we all knew you weren't willing to stay, but I never knew that you had told the Captain that you would rather die than become one of us." B'Elanna clarified in an unhappy tone.
Once again B'Elanna's thoughts drifted the Morset hologram, and her own determination to die rather than have her life saved by the use of research gained from torturing innocent Bajorians. Once she had recovered, she was glad to be alive, but she had still been angry about her continued life coming at the cost of her beliefs. At the time the decision had been made she had been unconscious, completely unable to defend herself against something she did not want. As odd as it seemed, she had, and still, felt violated in some way by the entire incident.
Looking down into Seven's face she realized that the blonde had withdrawn from her, the icy blue eyes were defensive, uncertain. 'Because you didn't say anything that let her know that you understood why she would be angry,' her inner voice growled at her. "I think I understand, at least somewhat," she offered. Seven looked up at her questioningly from where she rested against the couch arm, her eyes already less defensive.
"After I regained consciousness, and the Doctor told me that the Captain had ordered that Morset's research be used to save my life, I felt…helpless, and so angry because…" she trailed off trying to articulate something that she hadn't really ever said before, "Because she's the Captain, and unless I wanted to leave Voyager she had the authority to override anything I said if it were for the good of the crew. Which is something I understand and agree with to a certain extent, I just… really didn't like having my face shoved in it."
She looked at Seven who was staring at her, frowning thoughtfully. "I'm sorry, I guess it's not really much like what happened to you," she babbled feeling suddenly uncertain.
"You are incorrect." Seven interrupted abruptly. "I was angry in part due to," she smiled slightly in bitter amusement, "my face being shoved in the fact that I was helpless to alter what was happening to me. But I was denied even the option of leaving Voyager; I was a prisoner, not a willing crewmember."
B'Elanna winced visibly at the reminder, and the tone of Seven's voice.
Realizing that her verbal lash was totally misplaced by being directed at her lover, Seven let out an anguished sound, lurching upward, she buried her face into B'Elanna's neck. "I am sorry, I am not angry with you, I should not have…snapped at you."
B'Elanna had wrapped her arms about Seven as soon as she moved, "It's alright," she said as soon as Seven paused, hiding a smile at the term Seven had used; undoubtedly the blonde had picked it up from the other hostages. The half-Klingon placed gentle kisses on blonde hair, and unconsciously rocked slowly back and forth in an attempt to sooth the woman in her arms.
Seven was silent then incongruously she remarked, "This is soothing, I was unaware that this technique worked on adults as well as infants."
"Huh?" remarked B'Elanna, a half-second before she realized what she was doing, and connected it to Seven's ongoing training in how to care for infants and children. "Umm," she stilled, and felt her cheeks heat in embarrassment. Seven pulled back slightly, and stared at her inquiringly. B'Elanna let out a breathy sight, "I didn't realize I was doing that, until you mentioned it."
Seven looked at her curiously for a moment longer then nodded. Her eyes dropped away from dark ones, "Perhaps we should not continue this discussion." she said quietly.
"No," B'Elanna exclaimed. "At least not because you think that I was hurt by what you said, I wasn't. Seven you have a right to be angry, just like I had the right to be angry over Janeway overriding my decision." They stared at one another, B'Elanna trying to convey her acceptance of Seven's emotions.
Finally Seven nodded, her eyes bright with emotion. She took in a breath, composing herself before continuing, "When I was wakened the second time, several of my implants, my body armor, and part of my eyepiece had already been removed. The amount of nanoprobes in my blood had been greatly decreased. I again asked to be deactivated, and was again refused. Captain Janeway, then asked me to assist with the removal of the Borg modifications, when I refused, she informed me that I had to comply." Seven finished speaking calmly, but her eyes showed her anger.
B'Elanna remembered that day, she had been fruitlessly trying to remove the Borg modifications for hours, before Captain Janeway and Seven had walked into engineering. Seven had immediately gotten on her bad side as soon as she opened her mouth and informed her that she had neglected to remove the autonomous regeneration sequencers. Now though, the blonde's attitude on that day made a lot more sense. "I guess she wasn't exactly telling the truth, when she told me you had agreed to help out then." B'Elanna asked quietly.
"No I did not, I agreed because it was made clear to me that I had no other choice." Seven answered, her tone was both terse and sad.
Seven was silent for a long moment after the statement, then she swallowed uneasily and tensed up. Suddenly, her gaze which had been wandering about the room, snapped to B'Elannas', and the half-Klingon was surprised to see the guilt clearly revealed there. "When I saw the communications node…" Seven trailed off. Looking pleadingly at B'Elanna she finished, "It was a chance to escape, to stop what was being done to me. I regret those actions now; I almost caused the assimilation of Voyager, of you."
B'Elanna pulled Seven against her chest and hugged her tightly, "It's alright, I'm not angry at you anymore for doing that." The half-Klingon hesitated for a moment then finally asked, "You were terrified of what we were doing to you, weren't you."
"Yes," admitted Seven, her face pressed tightly into the juncture of B'Elanna's neck and shoulder.
"I'm sorry," B'Elanna whispered. She felt Seven look upward. "That you were so afraid," she clarified. "I'm not sorry at all that you're here instead of being a Borg drone, but I'm sorry you went through all that. I felt angry and violated from my wishes being ignored. I can't imagine how much more violated you felt by us. We cut away parts of your own body." B'Elanna hesitated, uncertain whether or not she had correctly understood what Seven had been trying to tell her, "I'm right aren't I? To you, we were actually disfiguring you by removing your implants, violating your body."
"Yes," agreed Seven simply.
"I'm surprised you didn't try to escape again," B'Elanna admitted after a moment of silence, trying to put herself in Seven's position.
"We were far from Borg space, my choices were to deactivate myself or adapt." Seven answered, "I choose to adapt." Seven's voice was completely flat as she made the statement.
B'Elanna recoiled at the statement, shaken by the implication that Seven had considered killing herself at one point. Not wanting to pursue that subject any further right now, she changed topics and asked, "When did you decide that you wanted to be an individual, instead of a Borg," she asked.
Seven was silent; finally she said in a quiet, reflective voice, "After we found my parent's ship, I began to consider what my life would have been like if I had not been assimilated. I believe I began having doubts about returning to the Borg at that time, but I did not fully accept that I did not want to return, until we were approaching Borg space on Arturis's ship."
B'Elanna clearly remembered the incident; they had been tricked by Arturis into finding what they thought was a Federation ship, the Dauntless, sent to rescue them. But his true intentions were to deliver them to the Borg in retaliation for his species having been assimilated because the Borg hadn't been destroyed by Species 8472. "That was almost a year after we separated you from the Borg." she commented.
"Ten months, twenty-one days," replied Seven, still with a reflective tone.
They went silent, lost in their separate thoughts. Finally B'Elanna snorted softly with gentle amusement, "So you've been angry at us this entire time? I don't want to insult you Seven, but that's very human of you."
Seven was silent, and B'Elanna was beginning to wonder if she had made a mistake in joking, no matter how well meant, when Seven finally replied in a disgruntled tone, "Lee pointed that out as well."
B'Elanna bit back the joking comment she wanted to make, it just didn't seem like the right time for it, and searched for a way to switch topics to something safer. "You mentioned that you were considering whether or not to continue? Did you mean continue being angry?"
"Yes, it does not seem efficient of me to continue resenting Captain Janeway, or anyone else for what they did in separating me from the Borg, when I am currently pleased with the results of their actions. Lee has correctly pointed out, that as there is no one here whom I blame for those actions, that I am only punishing myself. I do not wish to engage in such illogical behavior, therefore I am determined to 'forgive' what was done to me and 'let go of my anger'." Seven stated, her voice decidedly more brisk and positive than it had been.
"Is that Lee, or you talking?" asked B'Elanna, bemused at the phrases coming out of the blonde's mouth.
"Those are Lee's statements, but I am…tired of feeling this anger. It serves no purpose. I do not wish to experience it anymore. Therefore I will try and do what she has suggested to stop." Seven answered resolutely.
B'Elanna's thoughts immediately flew to her own long held anger at her mother and father, "I hope you do Seven, I hope you do."
Both of them were silent for a long moment, then B'Elanna spoke again, "Thank you for telling me. I saw that you weren't happy that we separated you from the Borg, but I never understood why, or what it was like for you. I don't know that I would have understood before the alien and the Morset hologram, but I think I understand now, or at least I understand better."
Seven looked relieved and tired as she rested her head in the hollow of B'Elanna's shoulder. "I am glad. It was not as difficult to explain to you as I had thought it would be."
"Another mole-hill," commented B'Elanna gently, as she tightened her arms around Seven, remembering the conversation about Tom almost a month ago, as she held the blonde.
Seven yawned against her neck, "Yes, another mole-hill, I was certain that it would be a mountain, I am pleased that I was incorrect."
"See, I'm not such a scary grouch anymore," chided B'Elanna, with a touch of true indignation.
Seven lifted her head at the words and she stared at the half-Klingon thoughtfully, "No you are not, I should quit anticipating your present reactions based upon our interactions before we were captured. I apologize."
"Accepted," said B'Elanna surprised. "Are you okay now?"
"I am. Lee was correct; talking to you does make me feel better. In fact..." A mischievous glint formed in Seven's blue eyes, "Since I just made a mistake that required me to apologize to you, does this mean we can 'make up' now?"
"Make up? Where did you hear that?" asked B'Elanna.
"Nancy," replied Seven succinctly. "She requires Christina to make up to her frequently."
"Umm," B'Elanna replied, suddenly not too sure whether or not she wanted to know just what Seven had heard about 'making up'. Watching the pout form on the blonde's face she couldn't help but begin chuckling. "Sure if you want to we can make up, but whose making up to whom here?"
Seven slid off her lap before B'Elanna could react and was leaning over the half-Klingon, one hand on either side of her head. "I wish to make up to you," she purred.
B'Elanna stared wide eyed.