SPECIAL NOTE! Don't forget to read The Truth Behind The Truth Behind The Barbeque! - the essential companion guide to this story! (Oh yeah, and review it too please!)
The Squirrels
"Rocking around, the Christmas tree, dodododo- AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Roy was back from his unexplained absence when he caught sight of the state of his house and swerved his small car into a tree. CRASH!
Once Roy was conscious again, he saw Riza standing on the doorstep.
"RIZA!" he yelled, running up to his no longer tall house. "What happened to my tall house?"
"This isn't your house," she said. "Your house is that way," she said, pointing to the sign that Roy had painted himself and stuck up outside her house which said: 'Roy's house this way' with a big arrow and smily face.
"Oh right," he said.
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"#$&! $X?&# the $#$$!$H))V#!" Envy roared.
Edward, Wrath and Greed were backing off. They were all covered in ultimate cake bits, soot, and tall-house-rubble.
"Envy," said Wrath, "it's alright, Edward and I can use our alchemy to rebuild the tall house…"
Envy turned to glare at him. "You'd better be able to! If you don't, THERE'LL BE NO BARBEQUE!"
Everyone gasped.
The explosion had woken Edward up. Duh. "Alright – lets do this!" he said to Wrath, but just then he heard the tiny pitter-patter of little feet, followed by a gnawing sound. "What the…"
What was left of the tall house was being eaten by squirrels. The ultimate cake was splattered everywhere, and squirrels can smell spoons from miles away.
"Damn it Wrath!" said Greed. "The spoons were your stupid idea!"
"And now that most of the house is gone… it wouldn't be equivalent exchange…" Edward explained, glaring at the little homunculus.
"Aww, don't be so hard on Wrath," said Envy.
Edward, Greed and Wrath cocked an eyebrow, but they didn't ask for an explanation, Envy was obviously going to give one anyway.
"BECAUSE THESE SQUIRRELS ARE SO CUTE!" he cried. He reached out to pat one and we all know what happened next. However, rather than it just biting his finger, it managed to take his whole arm off. "AHHHH! Stupid, ugly bastard!" he screamed, waiting for his arm to re-form.
The squirrels now had a taste for blood. Their eyes began to glow, and they started to approach the group.
"What do we do now?" Edward asked. Sure it would be annoying for the homunculi to keep re-forming, but if the squirrels came after him…
"I know!" said Greed. The others were sceptical. "Can't you guys use your alchemy to exchange the squirrels for a tall house?"
Wrath and Edward looked at each other. "It's worth a shot…" But the squirrels were a devious bunch, and most managed to escape by the time Edward and Wrath had performed the transmutation. The result was…
"That house isn't tall enough!" said Envy. He was right, too.
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"That's the jingle bell, that's the jingle bell, that's the jingle bell- AAAHHHHHHHHHH!" Roy, having gotten his car fixed, had followed the sign and when he caught sight of the state of his house and swerved his small car into a tree. CRASH!
"Wow," he said to himself, once he had again regained consciousness. He then sighted Riza standing on the doorstep.
"RIZA!" he yelled, running up to his no longer tall house. "What happened to my tall house?"
"Umm, this isn't your house," she said, nervously. "You must've missed the turn-off again, Roy."
"Really?" he said. "Well you'd better give me a kiss this time for good luck…"
"AHHHHHHHH!" screamed Riza, punching him square in the face. Roy was, for the third time this chapter, knocked unconscious.
"YOU'VE KILLED HIM!" Wrath screeched.
"Well what was I supposed to do?" Envy turned back into his normal form. Did I say normal? Well, you get the picture. "I panicked."
Edward and Greed got a stick and started poking Roy. "He's just knocked out," said Greed.
"Good," said Envy, "that should buy us some time."
But the squirrels returned – and Roy was an easy target.
"Damn it," said Edward. "What do we do?"
"I was hoping it wouldn't come to this…" sighed Envy. "We'll have to ask Dante."
Wrath and Greed cracked up. The newly re-formed (even super super glue couldn't resist an explosion) Lust cracked up also. "Yeah," laughed Greed, "go crying to mommy for help!"
"WHAT WAS THAT?" yelled Envy.
"Nothing," they chorused.
Envy sighed. "Okay then – lets go."
When they reached the mansion, Greed, who had been carrying the unconscious Roy (as no one else was tall enough) dropped him on the front step and ran inside.
"What was that all about?" Edward asked the others.
"He's probably gone to lock his room because he doesn't want you to see all his My Little Pony posters," Lust told him.
Edward laughed, "Well at least he doesn't have Barbie doll collection or anything."
"Oh $#?X!" Envy ran inside to lock his room also.
Lust and Wrath dragged Roy in, ensuring his head hit every step. Edward followed them, looking around in awe. He'd never been to the mansion before, the homunculi hadn't gotten on with him so well in the past, and they weren't quite on a dropping by each other's house basis. He'd only been in the basement, through the secret entrance connected to Roy's laundry room. Roy had never discovered it.
Greed rejoined them just as Dante entered the room. "Whoa," said Edward, "is this really Envy's mother? She's even uglier than him!" (Let's assume Edward's never actually seen her before… and he wasn't paying attention when he was locked in the basement)
"WHAT WAS THAT?" Dante screamed. The others gasped – he was really in for it now.
"Nothing…" said Edward.
"Oh," Dante said, "that's all right then." The others sighed with relief.
"NOW I SEE THE RESEMBLANCE!" Edward chimed.
"So what are you all here for?" She asked. Envy had been given a number of chores to do before she would agree to let him go to the barbeque, so she knew they wouldn't have all come back early without a reason.
"We need to know how to get rid of evil squirrels bent on world domination," Envy said, coming down the stairs.
"I didn't know they wanted to take over the world…" said Wrath.
"That's because you can't read, dumbass," Envy told him. "They were holding banners."
Dante was thinking. She did that sometimes. "Hmmm, this is serious," she said.
"Yes we know that," said Envy.
"Don't use that tone with me Envy!" Dante threatened.
As it was, Envy was the only one to ever talk back to her, as the others were scared stiff, and although for the most part he was too, he didn't want the others to think he was afraid of his mother. He didn't reply that time though.
"There seems to be only one solution," she finally said. "You must embark on a mystical journey to Bloodyhellitscold Cave – there you will find a travelling merchant. He will give you a package – don't open it though, bring it straight to me, and I'll see what I can do about these squirrels."
"Hey," said Lust, "if this guy we're looking for is a travelling merchant, what makes you think he'll still be at Bloodyhel-"
Dante's glare stopped Lust in her tracks, even though if you think about it, she wouldn't have had any tracks as she was standing stil-
…
Dante's glare just stopped me in my tracks too.
"And Envy," she added, "don't forget your scarf and gloves."
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Thanks for reading! This has been the longest time I've ever taken in updating but I've been busy listening to ham radio. PLEASE REVIEW!
Crazyanimefreak15: Anti-squirrel army it is!
Marty King of Wafflemen: Thankyou! Don't worry – the madness will never stop! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA (gets glared at by Dante and stops)
Lahz: Yay! It had better not be Pepsi Max…
MrGreed: I know! I tried making the ultimate cake myself just without the spoons (so the squirrels wouldn't find it) and the steak really does give it a kick!
Kai-himitsu: Thanks a bunch – poor Roy, getting interrupted from his beloved Christmas carols twice!
Spearette: Thanks – I'll keep updating as soon as I can until I get no more reviews!
Serious-klutz: ENVY'S VOICE IS NOT GIRLY! And the ribbons Envy tied were green and the ones Wrath tied were red so there! And I can understand you being familiar with 90's sitcoms – OLD WOMAN!
Nelja: Thanks for reading and reviewing – do finish it so you get to see your name at the bottom where I thank the reviewers!