Disclaimer: I do not own FMA or any other characters or registered trademarks and such that appear in this tale of enchantment and blenders.

Medical Suspension

They were all shoved into a small room in the emergency ward and given masks and surgical tools. You see it just so happened that Envy, Sloth, Greed, Pride, Lust and Edward looked just like a team of doctors who were mysteriously missing from work that day. Yes – I did say surgical tools.

"This is gonna be sweeeet," said Envy, with one of those crooked, pointy-toothed smiles.

The gang were indeed left to save the life of a dying patient. It was Hohenheim, just in case you were wondering, but they didn't recognise him with his oxygen mask on – Envy was just excited because using surgical tools incorrectly on anyone was one of his favourite pastimes.

"What do we do? Every machine in this damn room is beeping!" said Lust, looking around for the 'off' buttons.

"I may be wrong, but I get the feeling we're supposed to be saving this guy," said Pride, trying to find some indication of just what the old man was dying of – a case in which his special eye was not proving useful.

Edward was thinking to the best of his ability…so that wasn't of much use, but Sloth had come up with an idea. "I say we read his medical record!" she suggested.

"That won't help…" said Envy, who no one had been facing at the time. They all turned and looked at where he was pointing. The clipboard to which the medical record was attached was really pretty, Victorian in design, and possibly- but that's not the point. The medical record had been scribbled all over.

"Who would have done such a thing…" said Greed very nervously, holding something suspiciously like a texta behind his back.

"Maybe we can still make out some of the information, lets see… Name: Hohenhei……..damn! The last letter has been scribbled over, I guess we'll never know who this guy is," said Edward. Lust, Greed, Sloth and Pride looked at each other, but decided not to say anything.

"Yeah," said Envy. "It sounds kinda familiar…like someone I desperately want to kill or something, but I guess we'll never know."

This time, the others couldn't help but snigger – not that they had that much of a right to, they go through their stupid phases too.

"Well why don't we just cut him apart to see what's wrong?" suggested Envy. It didn't matter what the others thought though, Envy had already taken the liberty of making a great big incision and was now poking at the guy's organs with one of those pointy instruments.

"ENVY!" the others yelled, whereby they all tried to restrain him. "Lemme go! I want the shiny thing!"

Once they had tied him up in the extension cords of the medical equipment however, they discovered what he had been talking about. "Is this…an egg beater?" asked Lust.

It was.

They carefully removed the egg beater and sewed the old man up – Sloth and Envy were professionals at sewing, the homunculi pretty much only wear their one outfit so someone has to fix them when they get torn. The designated 'someone' was Sloth, but Envy helps too because sewing reminds him of needles which remind him of pain which reminds him of inflicting pain with needles.

Their work was done – it was time to find Wrath and continue on their journey to Bloodyhellitscold Cave. There was just one problem. No wait, there wasn't. That's really odd… Oh well, they found Wrath and waited at the bus stop and the bus stopped there. Still no conflict? I don't like the sound of this…

"Seven adults to Liquor Land, please," said Envy to the bus driver whose name was Larry.

"That'll be $34.50," Larry said.

They all gulped. All they had was $10 from the doctor who paid Wrath to stop screaming every time a baby cried. "In that case," said Envy, smoothly, "seven children to Liquor Land, please."

"Then I'm gonna need to see some ID," Larry insisted. "You guys don't look like children…well, except that freaky one with suspenders and that tiny blonde guy."

Wrath got mad at being called freaky and bit Larry's leg. "I didn't choose this outfit!"

Envy got mad and punched Larry in the stomach. "This is my younger look!"

Edward got REALLY mad and kicked Larry out the window. "WHO ARE YOU CALLING A SMALL BEAN THAT WOULD GET LOST IN A DOLL HOUSE?"

There we go.

Larry was unconscious, so Sloth drove the bus.

The bus trip was long and boring because Sloth couldn't concentrate while they were all singing 'the wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round, the wheels on the bus go round and r-' …not that I blame her. Then Greed had an idea. It was about time – we haven't had a 'Greed Idea' for a while now.

"Lets look for treasure!" he said.

"This is a bus, Greed," said Lust, "there isn't just going to be treasure lying around…well actually now that I've said that there probably will be since Envy still hasn't gotten over those skirt remarks…"

"But then again," said Wrath, "if that were the case, then you just saying that 'now…there probably will be' should also end up being wrong if Envy's still mad at you so that means there really won't be any treasure."

"That's right…" the others nodded in agreement.

"Maybe that's just what Envy wants you to think though," said Edward, and all the while Envy was sitting by and smirking at all this speculation about him while he was right there. "So in the end there really WILL be treasure," Edward concluded.

"I guess you're right," the others nodded in agreement.

"Ah, but what if this is the exact reasoning Envy anticipated all along?" suggested Pride. "Perhaps he knew we would all think that way and so he ultimately decided that there wouldn't be treasure all along."

"Yeah," the others nodded in agreement.

"Envy is so damn smart, we should all worship him for being so brilliant in every way…" said Sloth.

"Yeah," the others nodded in agreement.

"Hey wait – I didn't say that!" said Sloth, who almost crashed the bus into a 'drive safely' sign. It would have been ironic in a more normal context.

Everyone then realised that it had been Envy who had said that stuff pretending to be Sloth, and they all told him that they took back what they had said but in the end, he had just proved that he really was 'damn smart.' (Oh, how I long to end the story on this note!)

So since their previous conversation had been too confusing, they decided to look for treasure anyway. They had found old gum, a newspaper, a gold statue, some ancient gems, pirate coins, nothing really interesting…but then – "Look everyone! A microwave!"

Lust had discovered a microwave, and everyone stared in awe. Now all they had to do was find something to put in it.

"We could cook food, but using things for the purpose for which they were built doesn't sit that well with me," admitted Wrath.

"I know!" said Edward, "I knew this would come in handy – " he cried, shoving something into the microwave and setting it to full power. He was about to hit the 'start' button when he was interrupted.

"Edward…" said Lust, "please tell me you didn't just put in the blender we got from Hohenheim!"

"HOHENHEIM?" screamed Edward and Envy, who bumped the 'start' button in their surprise.

"NO! When you put metal in a microwave it exp-"

BOOM!

And yet another explosion of an ending, I'm obsessed. A giant special thankyou to my reviewers – its killing me not being allowed to actually respond to you anymore but just know if you ever need a kidney or anything, I'm here. Pretty please with sugar on top REVIEW or Envy will uber break dance you to death (I love that avatar…) Also, if you really are in need of some organ now its not too late to start reviewing. Love, enVii.