Disclaimer: I do not own FMA, Liquor Land etc. I don't own anything - seriously? How many times do I have to keep saying that?

Bloodyhellitscold Cave at last!

When they awoke, the six sins and Edward found themselves in an unknown place. Everything was dark, so they couldn't even check the map to see where they were.

"Damn…we didn't get to go to Liquor Land…" mumbled Greed.

"BLOODY HELL IT'S COLD!" yelled Envy.

"Yes, I know," said a mysterious tour guide who appeared from behind a corner holding a candle. "Why the hell do you think it's called Bloodyhellitscold Cave, genius?"

Envy glared at her. "I didn't make the association with the apostrophe being left out, so excuse me for YOUR bad grammer," he said.

"Uh, Envy?" said Wrath, "you spelt grammar wrong…"

"Shut.Up…" said Envy through the corner of his mouth. "Hey wait! How the hell did you know how I spelt it? I'm talking!"

"Uh oh," said Wrath, who ran further into the cave.

"Oh no you don't!" Envy yelled, and started chasing him, "I wanna see the script!"

"According to the script, you don't get to see it!" Wrath called back.

Everyone else joined the chase, half needed to protect Wrath for when Envy caught up with him, half just wanted to watch, and the other half followed mindlessly. I've always been good with fractions.

The mysterious tour guide was getting annoyed. "I'm the tour guide – you don't know where you're going!"

"We'll find our way – we have the script!" Greed called back.

"What! Don't you all want to know my true identity and everything?" she yelled after them.

There was no answer.

Everyone had bumped into many a wall and broken many a limb since it was so dark but finally they caught a glimpse of light.

"Are you…" said Sloth.

"…the travelling merchant?" Pride finished.

The figure was holding a flashlight under his chin. "Ooooh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?" he taunted.

The gang looked at each other – that was just plain weird. "Uh, yeah, we would actually," said Edward, "we have to find this travelling merchant guy to save the world from squirrels."

"Mwahahahahahahahahaha!" the figure laughed. "In that case I shall help you, for it was those fiend-like demons who chewed a hole in my favourite pair of slippers."

"Well, good," said Lust, who just wanted to get the hell out of there.

"You may take this package," he said, "but only after you fulfil this quest for me…"

"We don't really have time for a quest just now, we've got a barbeque to go to and all…" Envy explained.

"Oh, alright then, well how about you just solve this riddle for me then?" the merchant offered.

"Nah, c'mon – I'm really not in the mood for riddles, can't you just give us the package?" asked Envy.

"HOW MUCH EASIER DO YOU WANT THIS TO GET?" screeched the merchant. "Now, what has four legs, barks like a dog, and eats dog-food?"

They all huddled together. "I know I know! It's a dog, right?" whispered Edward.

"No Edward, there has to be some sort of trick to it…" Pride told him.

"Ohhhh, I geddit!" Edward winked at them. "IT'S A DOG!" He yelled to the merchant.

They smacked their palms against their foreheads.

"Damn – you're right!" said the merchant, filling it in on his crossword puzzle. "I'd been stuck on that one for twenty-seven years!"

"Okay, I've really had enough of this nonsense – can we have the package now please?" Lust asked the merchant.

So he gave them the package and they found their way back out of the cave by teaching FLASH to Wrath.

"Well now that we're out, how do we get back to Dante's?" Sloth asked.

"I don't know…we exploded our way here so I don't even know where we are," said Pride.

"We could just wander around until we find a cab or something," suggested Wrath, but it started raining so no one was too keen on wandering around and getting soaking wet.

"Don't worry – I brought umbrellas," said Lust, pulling seven umbrellas out of her handbag. The others cocked an eyebrow. "I stole it from Mary Poppins," she explained, "how else would I be able to carry my collection of safety scissors around with me? And look stylish at the same time, that is."

Upon hearing the word 'stylish' and after getting over the fact that Lust had a safety scissors collection, Envy started envying the handbag, but didn't say anything – he was still too busy marvelling at the fact that he knew what to do and the others didn't. "Isn't it obvious?" he asked, "if we exploded our way here…"

…………………………

"Excuse me," Greed asked the mysterious tour guide, "would you happen to have a microwave we could borrow?"

…………………………

When Envy awoke, he found himself in his own bed. Had it all just been a dream? No – his dreams usually involved massacres and desserts, although he wouldn't have been that surprised if the story had ended so cheaply. A giant hole in his roof, five other homunculi and one short alchemist lining his floor proved it had not been a dream. "WHAT THE F-"

"Envy!" yelled Dante, bursting through the door, "Don't swear!"

Everyone got up slowly, still recovering from being in Envy's room, and Lust gave Dante the package she had put in her handbag to protect from the explosion.

"I'm still surprised that actually worked," said Sloth.

"And I'm surprised that I'm actually still alive!" said Edward.

Dante examined the package. "Good, you heeded my warning and didn't open it," she said, relieved.

"Actually we just forgot we weren't supposed to or we probably would have," said Wrath. Envy kicked him.

"Now lets see," Dante said, opening it carefully. "YES!"

They all stared. "You put us through all that….for SKIN CREAM?" yelled Greed.

"Hey it's not that bad…" said Lust and Envy, eyeing the skin cream with wide eyes.

"Yes," said Dante, "I just couldn't be bothered to go pick it up for myself…I actually have no idea what you should do about the squirrels."

They were all getting really mad now, and Roy and Gluttony walked in.

"You guys got the skin cream yet?" Roy asked.

"YOU KNEW?" they all screamed, before realising that Roy wasn't aware of what tragedy had befallen his tall house at the hands of squirrels with aspirations of world domination.

"What did you think you guys were going to get?" he asked.

"Nothing…" they said, and all started whistling and walking away. But then they heard a knocking at the door.

"Alright, alright, I'll get it," muttered Envy, after everyone had stared at him.

He opened the door and his mouth dropped open…

Well well, what have we here? Thanks for your reviews guys, Lahz figured out my organ plan so that offer is unfortunately gone now, but please review anyway – I'm aware of my shameful update speed but according to my guidance counsellor, my final exams take precedence. The only reason I got to update at all is because I'm sick and confined to my room. Anyway, have fun and watch out for squirrels - they travel between dimensions to gather all the different types of biscuits in existance. REVIEW!