DISCLAIMER: Harry Potter is property of JK Rowling. I'm just borrowing him for a bit of fun.
PAIRING: SB/RL this means SLASH
SUMMARY: AU Two weeks after Sirius Black fell beyond the Veil, Harry is in the midst of mourning (though he doesn't want to talk about it), the Ministry is still indecisive, Tonks is a bit confused, and Lupin is… well, Lupin has other things on his mind. But Harry and company must learn that not everything is as it seems and the difference between believing and madness is not so straightforward.
THIS CHAPTER: The author attempts to navigate the political and legal workings of a fictional world. Oh, and there's a full moon.
WARNINGS: um... mental gymnastics?
NOTES: Thanks again to Catclaw for being a wonderful beta! Feedback is always appreciated. This is not my favorite chapter, probably because of the amount of information crammed in. Enjoy! -Lani
Chapter 2
In every heart there is a room / A sanctuary safe and strong / To heal the wounds from lovers past / Until a new one comes along.
I spoke to you in cautious tones / You answered me with no pretense / And still I feel I said too much / My silence is my self defense.
Billy Joel "And So It Goes"
Harry quickly found a routine at Grimmauld that, although sometimes dreadfully dull, kept him from retreating into his rather chaotic thoughts. For a week after he arrived, Harry woke up each morning before Ron and helped Mrs. Weasley cook breakfast. Most of the morning was spent battling the furthest, and therefore dirtiest, reaches of the house. Lupin was correct in that very few places still needed heavy cleaning.
After lunch, Harry would spend some time with Ron and Ginny. Most of the time they would talk about nothing particular, but every now and then he and Ginny would get into a rather heated debate about some of the most random topics. Usually they would play chess or Exploding Snap. On one memorable afternoon, they tested out Fred and George's newest invention, The Bored Game. Harry was still finding green gook in his hair. In the evenings the three of them attempted some of their schoolwork (Hermione would be impressed—even Ron put forth some effort). Usually these study sessions ended in a discussion of the latest Quidditch scores.
Grimmauld Place was still headquarters for the Order of the Phoenix, and Harry tried his hardest to get any information from the numerous people coming and going, but to no avail. Tonks was apparently in between missions for the Order, so spent most of her time after work at Grimmauld with them. Her stories about being an Auror were highly entertaining. Lupin appeared at random times carrying numerous scrolls and sometimes sporting, to Harry's immense curiosity, nasty looking cuts and bruises. Tonks let slip that he was an ambassador of sorts for the Order to various Dark Creatures, and some were not entirely friendly.
Although Harry enjoyed his time at Grimmauld more than he ever could at the Dursleys', something began to irritate him. Besides Lupin's outburst the first night he arrived (Mrs. Black was still silently moping in her frame to the relief of everyone in the house), no one mentioned Sirius. Harry didn't mind not talking about him, since it avoided rather uncomfortable questions, but it seemed as if Sirius had never even existed. Even Snape, on the one horrible occasion that Harry saw him, did not attempt to goad Harry about his godfather.
When Hermione finally arrived, glowing slightly from her trip to Rome with her parents, Harry was beginning to think he was going a bit crazy. She had greeted Harry, Ron, and Ginny enthusiastically before they settled down in the girls' room to catch up. Ron had blushed fiercely when Hermione sat next to him, and Hermione glanced a bit too often at Ron. Normal occurrences, but Harry was waiting for pitying looks from her that never came. Hermione had just finished telling them about her experiences in Italy when Harry finally mentioned his concerns.
"That's just silly, Harry," Ginny said gently. "Of course we all remember Sirius."
"Yeah, we can't just forget what happened at the Ministry. After all, we were there." Ron started rubbing at a scar on his wrist. Harry was beginning to regret ever bringing the topic up.
Hermione finally sent him the sympathetic glance. "I'm sure everyone in the Order still feels his absence. They're just trying to adjust to the harsh reality of war. After all, for some of them it only seemed like an adventure of sorts before…"
"I guess so." Harry really regretted mentioning it now.
"I think most people are just trying to… I dunno, move on." Ron looked to Hermione for agreement.
Ginny snorted. "Some people are in such denial that they don't even know what 'move on' means."
"What are you talking about?" Harry remembered Ginny had mentioned something about denial when Lupin blew off Tonks that first night.
"Lupin, of course."
"That's right!" Ron unexpectedly jumped in. "That's probably also why no one even mentions Sirius in this house."
"Am I missing something?" Harry was starting to get frustrated.
"Well, you and Hermione don't know this 'cause you weren't here yet. Bill came here the night after Sirius fell, trying to see if he could help somehow."
"He says that no one could even get in the house until Lupin showed up and opened the door for them," Ginny continued. "Once they were inside, Lupin went straight up to Sirius's bedroom and locked the door."
"He warded it so much that Bill reckons Dumbledore couldn't even get in if he wanted."
"Then he grabbed a few clothes from his room, found the bedroom furthest away, and moved in there. He hasn't said a word to anyone about it, even when Mum mentioned that she wanted to clean Sirius's room out."
"I bet everyone took that as a cue not to mention Sirius at all." Ron nodded in satisfaction at his own conclusion.
"But why would Professor Lupin lock up Sirius's things?" Hermione pondered.
"No one knows. Fred and George tried to get in there once, but they ended up with nasty rashes for days. Among other things…"
"Serves them right," Hermione huffed. "If Lupin doesn't want them in there it's for a reason."
Harry had remained silent through Ron and Ginny's explanation. For some reason, Lupin had prevented anyone from entering Sirius's room, even his own godson. This last thought triggered a realization that hit Harry hard in the stomach. "I don't think I have ever been in Sirius's room. I don't even know where it is."
The other three looked at Harry with pity in their eyes. Great, Harry thought, more pity.
"Come on, mate. We've got some time before dinner." Ron practically lifted Harry off the floor and led him out of the room. Hermione and Ginny followed silently behind. Harry didn't want to come face to face with Sirius's absence, but he desperately needed to see evidence that his godfather had lived and cared for him. They walked up the stairs to the second floor where Harry knew Mr. and Mrs. Weasley and Fred and George had their rooms. After passing several closed doors they reached another hallway. To the right appeared to be a study and library. Ron led him to the left. As they ventured further down this hallway, Harry began to feel the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. There were two doors next to each other at the end of the hallway, one partially open and the other virtually glowing with magic.
"Here we are," Ginny muttered. They stood in silence for a few minutes, gazing at the warded door. They all knew it would be foolish to try to open it.
"What's the room next to it? That door isn't warded." Even as Harry spoke, he inched towards the partially open door.
"Lupin's old room."
"I don't think you should go in there, Harry," Hermione whispered. "It's still his room and that's an invasion of privacy."
"He abandoned it, Hermione," Ron hissed back. "He obviously doesn't care."
Before Hermione could object again, Harry entered the room. Ron and Ginny, with Hermione reluctantly following them, entered soon after. The room was cluttered and reminiscent of Lupin's office at Hogwarts when he had taught Harry Defense. A small, tidy bed was shoved in the corner furthest from the door. Other than that, the room could have been a study. In fact, Harry wouldn't have been surprised if that had been its original purpose.
Bookshelves were overflowing with strange skeletons, jars full of ominous relics, and an overabundance of ancient books. A cabinet on one wall was apparently converted to a closet or dresser. A large desk was the centerpiece of the room, piled with papers and open books. A broken quill lay morosely next to a dried up ink pot. Dust covered almost every surface. It looked just like Ron had said—abandoned. And then Harry noticed another door. It was on the wall shared with Sirius's room, and also gave signs of heavy warding.
"Do you think," Harry began quietly, "that their rooms were connected?"
"It looks like it." Ginny also spoke softly. It was like they were intruding on something sacred, and even their voices were unwelcome.
"This is madness," Hermione hissed. "This is wrong."
Ron wandered over to the desk. "I wonder what he was working on, and if he ever finished it." He spoke as if Lupin was the one that died.
"This is so… weird." Harry turned to look at Hermione. She seemed to have gotten over the wrongness of their actions and was peering attentively around the room.
"What's weird?"
"There are no personal effects. Plenty of books and artifacts, but no pictures. There's nothing to indicate that Lupin had a life outside his research."
Harry knew she was right. Everything belonged in a classroom, not a bedroom. He realized he had been expecting to find a picture of his parents or Sirius, or even something that spoke of the Marauders and their adventures. He felt vaguely disappointed.
"Maybe Lupin took them with him to his new room," Ron guessed.
"No, I don't think so." Ginny was studying the skull of what looked like a bird. "Remember what Bill said? He only grabbed some clothes."
"Let's go. I don't want to be found in here." Hermione quickly strode out of the room. Reluctantly, the others followed.
Dinner was an unusually subdued affair. Lupin had shown up that afternoon looking paler than ever. He barely touched his food and only nodded politely to Harry's greeting. Tonks was visiting again but spent most of the meal looking concernedly at Lupin. Harry, Ginny, Ron, and Hermione couldn't quite shake off the eerie feelings from the visit to Lupin's old room. Only Molly Weasley attempted normal conversation with them, and was failing miserably. Arthur Weasley tried to help his wife by commenting on the newest Ministry regulations concerning Muggle relations.
As he told a fascinated Hermione about the new Muggle Ambassador program, Lupin went to the stove to make some tea. Harry watched as he poured out two cups, putting two scoops of sugar in one and a bit of cinnamon in the other. Lupin stopped abruptly and, with a slight frown on his face, dumped the cinnamon flavored cup down the drain. Harry was the only one who noticed.
"Full moon's tonight," Ginny whispered confidentially when they were once again in the girls' room. "That's why everything was so silent at dinner."
"I thought Tonks seemed a bit anxious. She's worried about Lupin." Hermione shared a significant glance with Ginny.
"What are you on about?" Ron glared at them.
"Tonks has a bit of a crush on Lupin. Can't you tell?" Hermione asked smugly."
"But he's so much older than her! Not to mention he doesn't look the slightest bit inter—"
"Where does Lupin go during full moons?" Harry interrupted. The musings of his friends about the love lives of adults was one of the last things he wanted to talk about. He had several questions he'd been dying to ask since dinner.
"I think there's a room set aside just for him in the cellar."
"On the months that Snape's 'too busy' to brew the Wolfsbane Potion I think he goes somewhere outside the city," Ginny added. When Hermione saw the puzzled look on his face, she spoke up.
"That's not what's really bothering you, is it?"
"Well, it's just that… how is it we are still at Grimmauld Place? Shouldn't Malfoy or somebody have inherited it?" The others suddenly couldn't look him in the eyes. Curses! Harry thought. I've gone and brought it up again! How is it that the topic I wish to avoid is the first thing out of my mouth?
"It's a bit complicated," Ron spoke up. Hermione and Ginny looked at him in surprise. It wasn't often that Ron knew more than any of them about something. "I overheard Mum, Lupin, and Dumbledore talking about it when we first got here. Sirius did write a will recently, most likely right after Christmas. The goblins at Gringotts approved it and everything."
"Bill says the goblins aren't too picky about their clientele, as long as they have paperwork," Ginny mumbled.
"That's probably how Sirius was able to buy you that Firebolt, Harry! He could do it by mail as long as he had the right papers and keys and they wouldn't ask too many questions. Quite brilliant, really." Hermione started to get lost in thought.
"Anyway," Ron continued, "Sirius wrote his will out to leave you most of his money and property. But there's been a snag. Lupin was named executor of the estate. In order for him to hold that position, he'd have to have been given at least fifteen percent of the estate in the will."
"But the laws passed by Umbridge last spring prohibit werewolves from inheriting more than five percent," Harry said in sudden understanding. At their incredulous looks, he added, "What? I've been reading the Prophet lately."
"I reckon they would usually simply scale back Lupin's inheritance to five percent in accordance with the new laws, but he's the executor. There hasn't been a case of a werewolf executor in ages so the law doesn't cover that, and he can't be unmade executor because it's specified in the will. And he can't be the executor with only five percent."
"But what's this got to do with Grimmauld Place?" Harry asked impatiently.
"I'm getting to it! Well that puts the entire inheritance in a legal bind. Plus there are the political knots."
"There's more?"
"Yep. In order to process the will, the Ministry has to officially declare Sirius dead. However, they can only do that by admitting he was at the Ministry that night fighting against the Death Eaters. Then they would have to explain that he was truly innocent and fighting for Dumbledore." Ron was getting on a roll. "Fudge doesn't want to face an inquiry about Sirius's arrest or hurt the Ministry's reputation any more than it has been. So, the entire inheritance is in a type of limbo. Nothing can be done until Dumbledore can convince Fudge to declare Sirius's innocence and the law can be adjusted or abolished." Hermione gazed at Ron with a disbelieving admiration.
"And the house?"
"Well, the house wants to pass on to the closest blood relative, but it has to follow Sirius's will. And until the will is executed, it has to remain in the hands of its current owners."
"But Sirius was the owner!"
"Haven't you noticed, Harry?" Hermione spoke up. "The only other person able to enter the house last year without waiting for someone to open the door was Lupin. According to Bill they could only enter headquarters after Sirius died when Lupin let them in. When Sirius was setting up headquarters at Grimmauld, he must have altered the wards or keys or something to make Lupin a co-owner."
"It makes sense," Ginny contemplated. "Lupin was the only other permanent resident last year."
"So basically, we can't follow Sirius's will because of some strange legal and political twist, but it doesn't really matter anyway because the Order still has control of the house." Harry's brain was beginning to hurt. The entire situation bordered on insanity.
"From what I overheard, Lupin plans on opening the will on your birthday, 'Ministry be damned'." Ron paused in thought. "I bet he has a key to Sirius's vaults somewhere so he can distribute the money accordingly. He also wanted to sift through Sirius's things with you present."
All of the talk about wills and inheritance was beginning to get to Harry. His thoughts were starting to center around something he really didn't want to discuss. At that memory, a surge of anger went through his body. "And what about Kreacher?"
Hermione let out a small gasp. "I haven't thought about him since I got here. I haven't even seen him!"
"No one really knows what happened," Ginny said in a quiet voice. "One day he was grouching about in the kitchen, the next he simply disappeared. Lupin and Dumbledore had a rather long conversation after that. Dumbledore doesn't seem concerned, so I guess we shouldn't be either."
Harry couldn't help but think that at least one person responsible for Sirius's death was now out of the picture. He only hoped that Kreacher found an end befitting a crazed traitor. It was then that horrific howling pierced the air.
Remus Lupin was not looking forward to the coming full moon. It was never an event that he gamely awaited; in fact, most of his life was spent dreading it. This full moon, however, was the first he would have to endure after Sirius's death. So far the symptoms indicated that it would be an especially difficult one. Remus decided to blame the fact he could almost constantly smell Sirius now.
He began feeling exhaustion pulling at his bones far sooner than usual. Although he presented nothing but a calm and patient demeanor, Remus felt his nerves fraying at every little annoyance. Tonks's hovering was especially vexing. Another indication of the moon's unnaturally strong pull was the sudden occurrence of hallucinations. Remus had never experienced delusions before.
It began two days before the full moon was supposed to rise. Remus had been pacing in his bedroom attempting to stretch out some of his muscles. He had nearly collapsed when the awareness hit that he would never experience a full moon with a pack ever again. There were twelve lonely years after James and Lily died, of course, but there was a horrible finality to his current situation. He hadn't realized how dependent he had become on Padfoot over the last year. Grief filled his entire being.
Remus curled up on his bed with his back pressing against the warped headboard and his arms hugging his knees. He was astonished to hear a high-pitched keening from somewhere deep in his throat. Sirius's death had finally accomplished what James and Lily's deaths, Sirius's 'betrayal', and twelve extremely painful years had been unable to do—Remus began to cry. There were hardly any tears, but he could not hold back the grief-filled howling. Sobs were wrenching through his body, barely allowing him to catch a breath. He faintly thought how glad he was that he had put a Silencing spell on the room—Molly always got a bit disturbed when she could hear his pacing.
It was after he regained some control of his emotions and finally lifted his head from his arms that he first saw him. Sitting directly across from him on the bed, looking like a kicked puppy, was Sirius Black. He appeared just as he had the day he died—hair slightly unkempt and in need of a trim, grey robes neatly pressed but with some fraying at the sleeves, and face pale but determined. Remus could smell sadness, guilt, and frustration pouring from him.
Sirius appeared to be saying something—Remus could see his mouth moving, but he could only hear his own unsteady breathing. When Sirius realized Remus was looking at him, he tentatively raised his hand. Remus flinched and let out a gasp before Sirius's fingers could graze his cheek.
"You're not real," Remus rasped. "You're not real; you're just a figment of my imagination. I was wishing that you were here and my moon-befuddled mind is supplying your likeness."
Remus had to remind himself that the pain that flashed across Sirius's face meant nothing because Sirius wasn't there. He closed his eyes against the familiar face, and when he opened them again, Sirius was gone. He let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding.
Since Remus's breakdown two days ago, the hallucinations began to occur more and more frequently. As he sat at a desk in the library reading about Dark Creature confederations in the late medieval ages, Sirius was perusing the bookshelves. When Remus played a game of chess with Tonks, Sirius was lounging on a nearby couch. Once, Remus saw him enter the kitchen out of the corner of his eye and nearly turned to greet him. Arthur Weasley looked slightly concerned, but was reassured by Remus's claim that everything was fine. Every time, Remus focused on the fact that Sirius was dead, and the moon was simply affecting his mind more than he would like.
The worst incident occurred at dinner the night of the full moon. Things were tense amongst everyone present. Tonks kept trying to force him to eat something (like it would actually stay down), and the children, for some reason, appeared restless. He thought it may have had something to do with his condition, but Harry looked like he had other things on his mind. After Tonks inquired how he was doing for the fifth time, Remus got up to make some tea. Sirius stuck his tongue out at Tonks, and Remus had to hold down a chuckle.
He had been in the process of adding cinnamon to Sirius's cup (just the way he liked it before an evening as Padfoot) when he realized exactly what he had been doing. For a few brief moments, Remus had thought that Sirius was actually there, sitting next to him at the table and inwardly laughing at Tonks's fretting. With a frown, Remus tossed the tea into the sink. He didn't feel like staying in the kitchen any more, but thought it might be rude to leave so abruptly.
As the time drew near to shut himself away from the world, Remus feared that the Wolfsbane would not be able to help much. There was too much inner turmoil for the wolf to become subdued. It was unfortunately too late to make it to the cellar at Lupin Cottage. He would have to transform in Grimmauld Place. He made his way to the room in the basement set aside specifically for him. Originally it held hundreds of bottles of wine; the tangy smell of over-ripe grapes still filled the air. Remus closed the heavy oak door behind him, careful to latch every one of the locks. He warded the entire room, more than usual due to his uneasy state, and prepared for moonrise.
There was a shelf high up on the wall where he placed his robes and wand. He crouched on the cold stone floor and felt his muscles begin to twitch. The ache in his joints that was present all day began to intensify until every movement was like a sharp stab to his head. He hoped the Silencing spells would hold. Sirius was crouched in front of him silently murmuring what Remus assumed was his usual bit of encouragement and comfort. Remus began to question his sanity when Sirius actually turned into Padfoot and tried to nudge his arm with his nose. There wasn't even the cold tingling associated with ghosts. Padfoot's muzzle slipped right through his arm.
He could feel his organs shifting and tightening. The pain in his muscles and bones was now excruciating. With the last bit of breath his changing lungs could draw, Remus whispered with all his anger, guilt, fear, and love, "Padfoot…"
And then he screamed, and knew no more.