Disclaimer: Still not mine, after…how long? About 2 months – something must be wrong here…

The Ultimate Attempt to Make a Plan

"Hi everyone!" said Hohenheim.

"What are you doing here?" everyone asked him…except for Envy. He had fainted again.

"Well I kinda just needed somewhere to hide out until those occupational therapists give up looking for me," he replied.

"They're after you too?" asked Greed, the only one who wasn't still gaping and sweat-dropping that Hohenheim had just turned up out of the blue. Well, not so much out of the blue – he came from outside, but that's not the point.

"Yeah – we have to stop them before they rally enough imported horned weasels to destroy the world," said Hohenheim, now pacing in a circle.

"I thought you said we could just wait for them to give up looking for you?" said Wrath.

"…Well I've changed my mind," said Hohenheim, "but it's not like there's any rush or anything – they might never gather enough to destroy the world…it's more of a precaution."

"Ooooh! So I'll still have time to pick up my dry-cleaning before we go?" said Roy.

"Actually that reminds me," said Hohenheim, "when I drove past your house on my way here it just didn't seem as tall," everyone tackled Hohenheim and tried to cover his mouth but it was too late.

"WHAT HAPPENED TO MY TALL-"

Roy was cut off as Envy finally got up. "HOHENHEIM!" he yelled.

"Hey kiddo, what's up?" Hohenheim said, knocking the others off him.

"Oh nothing – nothing at all," said Envy, "except that you totally abandoned me and missed my school talent show and never showed up at the father son picnic!" he screeched, turning, crossing his arms and pouting.

"Oh shut up, Envy," said Edward, "the same thing happened to me and Al."

"Oh yeah? Well get this – he never even took me fishing!" Envy screamed.

"Really, never?" everyone asked.

"Never," said Envy, bursting into tears.

"Awwww!" everyone hugged Envy.

"Ahem!" went Hohenheim, but everyone was still too busy hugging Envy. "As I was saying – according to the legends, occupational therapists are supposed to have only one weakness:"

No one was listening. "Poor Envy!" said Sloth, "I know – how about I bake you a nice pie?"

"No I want to bake him a pie!" yelled Lust and Dante.

"And he can even have my special military silver watch!" said Roy.

"NO! He can have MY special silver military watch!" said Edward.

"NO WAY! He can have MY special silver military watch!" said Greed.

"You don't even have one!" yelled Roy.

"ALL OF YOU SHUT UP!" Hohenheim demanded. "The occupational therapists have only one weakness!"

"Old age?" asked Wrath.

"NO NOT OLD AGE YOU FOOL!" Hohenheim yelled. "It's-"

"Everyone gets old sometime, you know…" said Wrath.

"JUST LISTEN!" Hohenheim was losing his patience. And his hair. He had a receding hairline, not because he was stressed though, he was just getting old. I just thought I'd point that out. "Their only weakness is being stabbed through the heart with a 4B pencil!"

"But no one uses 4B pencils," said Wrath.

"I'm really getting sick of you," Hohenheim grumbled.

"I have a HB!" smiled Greed.

"No! It has to be 4B," Hohenheim insisted.

"Well la de da…" said Greed, "excuse me for breathing!"

"Look," said Hohenheim, "we just need to lure them in and destroy them so we can forget about all of this and get to the barbeque!"

"Hey – who invited you?" asked Roy, "isn't it my barbeque?"

"No, it's mine," said Greed.

"Oh, okay," said Roy.

"Greed! It is Roy's barbeque – you need to learn to tell the difference between real life and your imagination," said Lust.

"So it is my barbeque?" asked Roy.

"That's what they want you to think…" said Hohenheim.

"YOU LIE!" said Roy, getting ready to click.

"Bring it on!" yelled Hohenheim.

"THAT'S ENOUGH!" yelled Dante, breaking them up. The others booed and threw popcorn at her. "Stop it! If we sort out the occupational therapists now we can even take bets later," she explained.

"But we don't know how to lure them in," Edward pointed out.

"Unless…" said Roy, "does anyone know where those imported weasels are actually imported from?"

"Ebay?" suggested Pride.

Envy disagreed. "No – I bet they come from-"

"Good idea, Pride," said Dante, "we'll go check Ebay now!"

"But-"

"Quiet Envy – Pride might have something else to say," said Hohenheim.

"What?" said Envy, "Just a minute ago I was getting all the attention…"

"So you had your turn, now shut up while we all tell Pride how great he is," said Lust.

This wasn't sitting well with Envy. He started hyperventilating but managed to calm down a little by taking out his anger on a nearby calendar. "Your days are numbered!" he told it. Sad, Envy. That was really sad.

Anyway they found imported horned weasels on Ebay but Hoho-papa's credit card had expired. "What? You all know I have trouble keeping track of time!"

"So that's why you always burnt the cookies…" Dante figured.

"Uh, yes…they always got…burnt," he said, eyes shifting with cookie crumbs on his shirt.

"So we can't order the weasels?" asked Edward.

"Nope," Hohenheim told him.

"I can do a weasel–call," offered Greed.

Pride shook his head. "It has to be an imported horned weasel–call, but maybe we could-"

"I CAN DO AN IMPORTED HORNED WEASEL–CALL!" yelled Envy.

"Shut up Envy! Pride was talking!" Dante roared.

"Maybe we should hear Envy out," said Pride.

"Thankyou Pride," said Envy, "and tell Dante she can put that in her pipe and smoke it!"

"Actually Envy, maybe you should have a little more respect for your –"

Envy interrupted Pride. "Dante, could you tell Pride I couldn't give a stuff what he thinks?"

"Envy, aren't I the one you aren't talking to at the moment?" asked Dante.

"Hohenheim," said Envy, "tell Dante she's a terrible parent."

"Wow," said Hohenheim, "I thought that after everything I was the one you thought was a terrible parent."

"Wrath," said Envy, "tell Hohenheim I'm not talking to him…and tell Greed he stinks too."

"HEY!" yelled Greed.

Just then the whole house began to shake. "It couldn't be…" said Edward.

The door was kicked in.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Roy.

"IMPORTED HORNED WEASEL INVASION!" screamed Dante.

"And even worse – " Roy cried, "we're out of chilli sauce!"

We're ridiculously close to the end now, but does that mean there actually will be a barbeque soon? DOES IT?

Edward: How would I know? Why are you asking me?

Me: Just because I'm pointing at you doesn't mean I'm talking to you, Chibi-Chibi…

Anyway, please review, and all donations will go towards buying your favourite Colonel some more chilli sauce!