Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist because Hiromu Arakawa came up with it before I did.

Follow the Greeder

The imported horned weasels had surrounded the house, and their leader along with his bodyguards had just kicked down the front door. He scanned the room, and finally said: "Where is the one you call 'Roy?'"

Everyone looked at Roy.

"Umm, that's him there," Roy said, pointing at Greed.

"HEY!" yelled Greed.

"Ah – that be the one you must enslave, my trusty minions! Bring forth yonder human, so that vengeance might finally be mine!" The imported horned weasel leader ordered.

The other weasels just looked at him, blankly.

"Fools…" he mumbled, "GET HIM!"

The savage beasts started attacking Greed. Things were not looking good, so Envy refrained from taking a photo. Greed was screaming, the leader of the imported horned weasels was laughing like the deranged psychopath he was, and everyone else was just watching, but then they heard the doorbell.

"Man, I love doorbell music," said Greed, who was half dead and three quarters unconscious having forgotten about his ultimate shield-ness.

Roy went to answer the door, which had been kicked down but still…

"I have a package for a Mr Colonel Roy Mustang – is he here just now?" said the delivery boy.

"That would be me," said Roy, and all of the weasels stopped to stare at him. Edward gestured for him remember that the weasels were after him, and that he would have to come up with a way of fixing what he had just said if he didn't want to be eaten alive by the rabid animals. That was some gesture…too bad this story is only in writing or you'd have been able to see it. Anyway, "…um, I mean, that would be me…who will sign for it in his place?"

The weasels weren't completely satisfied that he wasn't Roy, so Edward explained that English wasn't his first language, after which they shrugged and went back to attacking Greed.

Meanwhile, Roy opened his package. "Wow! Some nice reader donated to get me some more chilli sauce!"

Getting back on track, Greed had been bound and was completely immobile. "It looks like a draw," he said, "you guys are lucky I went easy on you!"

"Silence, 'Roy', we shall now take you to our hidden lair to be sacrificed to our mighty Cupboard Lord!" said the leader of the imported horned weasels.

"NOOOO! I'm scared of cupboards!" cried Greed.

"Oh – the humanity!" cried Edward, after which the homunculi glared at him. "Uhh, oh – the homunculus…ity?"

"All hail the mighty Cupboard Lord," chanted the imported horned weasels.

"You know what?" said Greed.

The leader was confused. "No – tell me! C'mon, please? I want to know!"

Greed chuckled. "It sounds like you've got yourselves a plan there, but I have a better idea."

"Uh-oh," went the others.

"Why don't we raise the stakes – we'll play a one on one game of basketball and whoever gets ten points first gets a 5 second head start for the 200m swimming race we'll have BUT NO FREESTYLE OR BACKSTROKE, and the winner of that gets first choice of which form of public transport they're going to use for our following race of who can get from Dublith to East City first and if you win, you can sacrifice me to your Cupboard Lord-"

"All hail the mighty Cupboard Lord," chanted the imported horned weasels.

"Yes," said Greed, "and if I win, ie. if Envy wins-"

"WHAT?" yelled Envy.

"You're in better physical condition than me," Greed explained.

"Oh," said Envy, "well I guess I can't argue with that reasoning…" he said, finding himself a mirror, gazing into it and sighing with admiration.

"If Envy wins," Greed continued, "not only do I get to go free, but you have to go get me a caramel sundae from McDonalds wearing a dress – and that's via the front entrance, not the drive-through!"

"Let me think about that," said the leader, "uhh…NO!"

"CRAP!" said Greed.

All of the imported horned weasels assembled at the doorway, carrying Greed with them. "And now," said the leader, "we shall take Roy to be painfully sacrificed to our mighty Cupboard Lord!"

"All hail the mighty Cupboard Lord," chanted the imported horned weasels…and Edward.

Lust elbowed him.

"WHAT? It's catchy," he said.

They started carrying Greed away. "NOOOOO!" he yelled, "Anything but the Cupboard Lord!"

"Hmmm, how about the Really Big and Dangerous Machine Gun Lord then?" offered the leader of the imported horned weasels.

Greed paused. "…I think I'll stick with the Cupboard Lord."

Soon Greed and the last of the weasels were out of sight. Well, a normal person's sight, anyway. Pride could probably still see them. Either way, Roy was starting to feel guilty, and drank the chilli sauce to comfort himself.

"Maybe we should have actually done something to help…" said Wrath.

"NEVER FEAR!" said Winry, appearing in a puff of smoke.

"Why? Are you going to hit me if I do?" Wrath asked.

"Foolish humans!" she laughed. Everyone stared, confused. "Don't you see?"

"I do! I do!" said Pride, with pride, "I have a special eye!" He started looking at things to show off.

Winry sweat-dropped. "I put a tracking device on Greed when no one was looking – so now all we have to do is follow the signal and we can save him from certain cupboard-ly death!"

"All hail the mighty Cupboard Lord," chanted Edward. Envy hit him in the back of the head. "Ow! Alright, alright I'll stop doing that!"

Winry disappeared in another puff of smoke and all that was left behind was the little thing where you see the signal from the tracking device.

Edward: You sure you don't want me to beta this story for you?

Envy: YES I'M SURE!

"So lets see here," said Sloth, picking up the device…probably just because she hasn't done anything for a long time, "…they've stopped moving, but I don't know where this place is."

Dante and Hohenheim had a look too.

"Nope – I've never heard of this place before," said Dante.

Hohenheim had a distant look on his face, for he knew the place well…that is, he'd seen it in a holiday pamphlet one time. "That, my friends, is-"

"We're not your friends!" said Lust, "I thought that we had established that none of us liked you in the last chapter!"

"Chapter?" said Hohenheim.

"No-nothing!" she said, a little too quickly.

"Well anyway, that is Australia."

Envy was shocked. "Australia? We're following Greed all the way to Australia? It's not like we really like him anyway – just let it go!"

"We have to find him – all of those horned weasels gathered in one place? They'll totally attract the occupational therapists who we'll be able to get rid of once and for all!" said Hohenheim.

"With the 4B pencils, right?" scoffed Wrath.

Hohenheim glared at him. "Why are you so opposed to going to Australia anyway, Envy?"

"I just have a really bad feeling about this…"

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! With good reason Envy, with good reason! –is currently planning a "welcome" for our friends-

PS – I'm going to extend the story (the weasels were previously just going to sacrifice Greed somewhere nearby) because it's just too hard to let it go! (my first other than Namu and the Special Deer…which is more WTF? than story) A special, cupboard-ful thankyou to all readers and reviewers! PLEASE REVIEW! Please? Envy will probably sell you for child/adult labor if you don't. (Really, it's happened before)