DISCLAIMER: Harry Potter is property of JK Rowling. I'm just borrowing him for a bit of fun.
PAIRING: SB/RL this means SLASH
THIS CHAPTER: In which Mr. Weasley gets serious, Sirius gets cantankerous, and Remus gets… angry.
WARNINGS: cursing
NOTES: Catclaw- I can never thank you enough for looking this over. This chapter is a slightly shorter than the others, but I think it has a bit more action. "Hope is the thing with feathers..." is from a poem by Emily Dickinson, and therefore also not my property. Thank you to all my reviewers! Feedback is still greatly appreciated! -Lani

Chapter 4

Forgiveness has nothing to do with forgetting… A wounded person cannot—indeed, should not—think that a faded memory can provide an expiation of the past. To forgive, one must remember the past, put it into perspective, and move beyond it. Without remembrance, no wound can be transcended.
Beverly Flanigan

Harry could be a very unobservant and thick person. He would even admit it, most of the time. So when he started feeling concerned about Lupin, Harry knew that it must be pretty bad. It was clear that everyone in the house was worried, but no one wanted to talk about it at first. Mrs. Weasley abruptly changed the subject whenever Lupin blundered. When Harry tried to corner Lupin about it, he somehow got completely distracted. It was interesting to hear what Sirius smelled like, but Harry didn't miss Lupin's slip into the present tense.

In the days following, Harry would sometimes hear Lupin talking to himself in the drawing room. Once, when Harry entered the kitchen with Ron, it seemed that Lupin had abruptly stopped a conversation with someone. Ginny and Harry had been wandering the third floor (which had a rather interesting potions lab and what looked like a ballroom), when they heard a voice from a closed room.

"I'm not saying that it isn't dangerous," they heard Lupin say.

They didn't hear anyone else speak.

"Look, Dumbledore needs my help in this and I am not about to refuse him."

They heard a chair scrape across the floor. It sounded like he was now pacing.

"I feel like I can achieve something, Padfoot." Ginny gasped. "This may alter the way the Ministry treats us, for the better. I can't turn my back on this."

Ginny and Harry left before they could hear more.

Later that evening, all the Weasley children plus Harry and Hermione were gathered in the first floor drawing room. Bill had been staying at Grimmauld while Charlie was in town, as were the twins. Ron was pestering Charlie to tell them what his job was for the Order.

"I can't tell you that, Ron, and you know it." Charlie was looking exasperated. "All I can tell you is that I'm keeping my ear to the ground, like everyone else, to make sure You-Know-Who isn't making any big moves in Europe."

"Like recruiting Dark Creatures?" Ginny guessed. Harry knew she was thinking of what they overheard Lupin talking about earlier.

"Well, not exactly. I mean, it's rather odd, really. Any Dark Creature that I run into avoids mentioning anything to do with the war. There appears to be someone agitating the current power base—what's his name—Greyback, and they're waiting to see who comes out on top." Charlie caught himself before he could say more. Bill glared at him, as if he had already said too much.

"Besides, Dark Creatures are in Lupin's area. Remember what Tonks said?" Hermione put in.

Harry looked up from the chess game he was playing with George. He had a feeling he knew where this was going.

"But Lupin said he can't go on any more missions for at least a week," Ron stated.

"That doesn't mean that he hasn't already started some things."

"I'm getting a bit worried about Lupin." Surprisingly, it was Fred that brought up what everyone was thinking about. He was unusually serious looking. "I don't think he's got all the lights on upstairs, if you know what I mean."

"I heard him talking to himself this afternoon," Ginny said.

"It was the same thing in the kitchen yesterday." Bill frowned. "But when I went in, he was the only one there."

"We are all a bit worried about him." Everyone jumped. No one had noticed Mr. Weasley standing in the doorway. He sighed and sat down next to the fire. "I think he's still in pain from Sirius's death."

"But so are we. And you don't see me all cracked." Harry was waiting for Mr. Weasley to offer the typical assurances the adults were giving these days.

"I know. But I think it goes beyond that, as well. Remus told me once that his friends were his family. His father died just before he left Hogwarts and his mother died shortly after Harry was born." Mr. Weasley sighed and ran his hand through his thinning hair. "Sirius was the last of his family. He's all alone now, the last one."

The drawing room was quiet.

"I don't know what I would do if I lost even one member of my family." Mr. Weasley smiled slightly at them all.

"Even Percy?" Ron asked with disgust.

"Yes, Ron. Even Percy." Mr. Weasley sighed again. "Although Percy has made some choices I do not agree with, I am still proud of him. He is still my son. I raised him to think for himself, to become independent—and he has. I can only hope that he finds out who he truly is, that he eventually finds the right path. I believe in him."

Mr. Weasley walked to the door.

"Sometimes, all you can do is believe that things will work out." Everyone stayed silent. "Good night, everyone."

From where he was seated, Harry could see Mr. Weasley walk down the hallway to where Mrs. Weasley was scrubbing the floor. One of the twins' experiments had exploded earlier that day and left a nasty stain.

"Come, Molly. Let's go to bed." Mr. Weasley's words echoed down the hallway. Everyone in the drawing room was listening.

"But, Arthur, this stain is not going away and the children are still up."

"Molly."

"But the children—"

"Molly," Mr. Weasley said in a stern voice. "We raised them properly. The children will be fine." They all knew he was talking about more than bedtimes. "You need some rest."

"Oh, Arthur," Mrs. Weasley sighed. She took off her gloves. "What would I ever do without you?" He leant down and kissed her forehead, then led her up the stairs.

The drawing room was still silent.

"Wow," George broke the quiet. "'Still waters' and all that."

"Yeah," Fred said. "Who knew head-in-the-clouds Dad could have his feet so firmly on the ground?"

Remus was trying his hardest to enjoy the wonderful meal Molly had prepared, but it was near impossible with Sirius sitting across from him. Sirius was in a right state, and was putting forth a stream of rather hurtful comments. He thought it was brought on by a conversation they had earlier. Sirius was tired of Remus treating him like a hallucination, and Remus was tired of Sirius trying to talk to him. So far, Remus had been able to ignore him in favor of the conversation the Weasleys were having about planning a trip to Diagon Alley. This fueled Sirius's anger, however, and soon his sulking was becoming too much.

"Go ahead, act as if everything's normal. Go to Diagon Alley. Perhaps you'll feel better about yourself if you were surrounded by normal people rushing about on normal errands." Sirius glared as Remus took another forkful of salad. "Of course, I wouldn't doubt if you backed out the last minute. You don't want to feel normal. You'd rather continue to mope about and collect pity from everyone."

Remus narrowed his eyes a bit.

"In fact, I bet that's why you're so glad that Tonks is now fawning over that Weasley. Can't have somebody try to love you, for once. Can't let someone try to get you to move on. You want to be a martyr. You want everyone to think, 'Poor Remus Lupin! He has to go through so much every full moon, and he's lost every last friend.' You just don't want to be happy."

"That's not true," Remus whispered.

"Did you say something, Remus?" Arthur asked. Remus shook his head.

Sirius was just getting warmed up. "That's why I stopped trusting you fifteen years ago. You just didn't want to be content with what you had."

"Stop it," Remus hissed.

"Every time I tried to ask what was wrong, you completely shut down. You shut everyone out. Is it no wonder I thought you were a spy?"

"Shut up." Remus's voice was getting louder. The fine crystal wine goblet he was holding shattered when he clenched his fists.

"You probably were stone after I was sent to Azkaban as well. That's why you let me rot in there for twelve years. Twelve years, Remus! Did you decide that it wasn't worth it to care about anybody? Got so locked up in yourself that you didn't care about my lack of trial?"

"Shut up!" Remus covered his ears with his hands, trying to block Sirius out. Blood from his injured hand trickled down his cheek.

"And then you looked away as I was locked up again in this horrid house! Can't bring yourself to fix things for the better. Rather wallow in self-pity. We tried to get you to see beyond your 'furry little problem', but you know what? You made it a problem!"

Remus heard his chair fall backwards as he abruptly stood up and growled. "Stop it!" He was distantly aware of the others backing up towards the doorway.

"You let the curse consume you until that was all you were. You aren't human, Remus. You're weak and pathetic. You're just a Dark Creature pretending to be normal, and failing miserably." Sirius's eyes blazed.

"Shut up, Shut up, SHUT UP!" Anger surged through his veins. He grasped the edge of the oak table and turned it on its side. He could hear gasps from the direction of the door, but Remus was too full of rage at Sirius to care.

Sirius looked shocked.

"You know nothing! You complain about Azkaban, but you don't know a thing that I had to go through those twelve years!"

"You never told me—" Sirius started.

"Listen to me when I'm speaking. I never told you because you never wanted to hear it." Remus snarled. "You want to talk about me leaving you to rot? You want to talk about betrayal? Fine!"

Sirius took a step back.

"At least I let you down because I didn't have enough faith in myself. You betrayed me several times because you never had any faith in others."

"But—"

"Yes, Sirius, you betrayed me. I did start thinking I could be normal. I tried to see beyond my condition when I made friends with you and James. But then you betrayed my secret to our first enemy. Not only that, you used me as a tool to try to kill him!"

"You forgave—"

"Yes, I forgave you. But I haven't forgotten! I can never forget! And then, you betrayed my trust when you thought I was the spy. 'You're not a Dark Creature, Remus. You fight for the Light, Remus.' And I started to believe it, until you became suspicious of me for that very reason."

"Wormtail had told me—"

"I TOLD YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Remus heard someone sob in the background. "And then I got you back, and told you to trust me. Dumbledore was working on it. Just a few more months, Sirius, and you would have been free. I told you not to go to the Ministry that night, because I thought that even though you loved Harry, you loved other people, other things, as well. I knew that your recklessness would actually hurt Harry in the long run. And what did you say?"

Sirius was wilting.

"You said, 'Relax, Moony. It'll be fine. I'll save Harry, the Ministry will have to recognize my innocence, and we can live in peace.' And I believed you, again. I thought we had a chance. Well guess what? It was not bloody fine! And we will not live happily ever after!"

Sirius was nervously glancing towards the door.

"You want to know the truth, Sirius? I may be full of a dark curse, but you aren't so pure yourself." Remus growled. "You think you're so different from your family, that you spent your entire life separating yourself from them. In reality, you were playing the same game as them, just on a different playing field. 'Let's see how many people I can trample, except I'll make them trust me first.'" Remus was beyond rage now. "You fought against every belief your family had just to make them angry, just to be the rebellious one. You made me think I was dirty, that something I did made everything go so wrong." Remus stepped closer to Sirius. "You ripped people's hearts out and spat on their spirits as long as it suited you."

Remus's words had ripped away Sirius's protective layers. He looked raw and exposed. A part of Remus howled for the kill.

"Don't you see, Sirius?" Remus asked softly. "No matter how much you fight it, you are a Black. You are exactly like your mother."

Remus was vaguely aware of muffled sobs and gasps from everyone else in the kitchen. Mostly, though, he was focused on Sirius. When Sirius's fist came flying towards him, Remus was ready for it. He quickly pushed Sirius's blow to the side with his left arm and punched him square on the jaw with his right. Sirius staggered back several steps.

"Bastard!" he mumbled and spit out blood. "You could've broken my jaw!"

Sirius's words were slurred, but quickly sank in. Remus stared at his hands.

"You could have broken my jaw," Sirius whispered again in disbelief. "You can touch me."