Disclaimer: Anything Harry Potter-wise is JK Rowling. Not mine.
Pairing: SB/RL Slash, so be warned (yet again)
Notes: betaCatclaw, Catclawcool! Thank you to everyone who reviewed… I haven't responded to any in person because it's finals week. I'm buried under a mountain of papers and my fingers are about to fall off from all the typing. Unfortunately, I still have to write the next chapter (the last one!). I hope to have it finished to keep up with my 'update every two days' thing. This chapter has a lot of explanations that make sense in my head, and I hope you can understand them as well. Also, if you have any suggestions for another AU story (that doesn't necessarily have to have SB/RL slash in it), or want to have another piece set in this universe, do inform me. I have a couple of stories in line to be written, but I'm always open for suggestions.
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THIS CHAPTER: Remus is distraught, Malific is evil, and everything is explained.

Chapter 9

If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. And if they don't, they never were.
-Kahlil Gibran

Remus knew by the looks on their faces that the spell didn't work. He was used to pity— he was often on the receiving end—so the reactions of Dumbledore, McGonagall, and the Weasleys did not bother him. What hurt the most, though, was knowing that the hope dying out in Harry's eyes was his fault. He had been strained trying to battle the effects of the medicines since he arrived at Grimmauld, but he was confident that he had been able to do everything right. As he had chanted, he had felt the magic building up inside him. It felt like the world had paused, and the spell was drawn from his lips as if he had waited his entire life for this perfect moment. The only other time Remus had felt like that was when he had whispered Sirius's name on a cold October morning many, many years ago.

"It should have worked—I don't understand," Remus whispered. He sat down heavily, his back propped against the bed. Sirius walked away from the mirrors, a slight frown on his face. "Maybe it was the location…"

"Remus." Sirius crouched in front of him. Remus was aware of Dumbledore saying something to him, but he didn't have the energy any more to listen.

"It should have worked," he hissed. "I don't—" His mind was becoming muddled again. He drew his knees up to his chin; the air was getting colder.

"Remus, look at me." Sirius's eyes were full of sorrow. "I need you to do something for me."

"Anything."

"I want you to forget about me—"

"No!" Remus interrupted. He could not lose him again.

Sirius cupped Remus's cheek with his hand. "Listen to me, Moony," he said sternly. "I want you to live out your life, to look after Harry. You can't do that if they lock you up in an insane asylum."

"Don't go, please don't leave me…" He felt tears flowing down his face, but made no effort to wipe them away. People from his past were beginning to appear again, closing in around him and suffocating him. "So alone…"

"I need you to do this. Ignore me. I'll try to stay out of your way. I can live like this forever as long as I know you'll be okay." Sirius's voice was filling his head. He couldn't even hear Dumbledore anymore.

"Please don't—I can't do this alone anymore." Remus was sobbing, but he barely noticed. "Just, make them go away." His father was reaching out to him. "We'll be fine if they—please."

"You know we have to do this, Remus."

"Sirius, please…" His voice broke.

Sirius cupped Remus's face in his hands. He leant down and pressed a kiss on his forehead. Remus knew he would agree to this, even though he didn't want to; they had agreed long ago that they would sacrifice everything for each other, for Harry. The kiss was long with a sense of urgency behind it. It felt like fire where Sirius's lips touched his skin. Remus could feel all of Sirius's love for him racing through his body, creating a shield that would protect him and hold him up through the coming separation. He knew that Sirius could feel the same emanating from Remus.

When Sirius finally broke away, they both had tears in their eyes. They would be torn apart again, but this time they were at least allowed the chance to say goodbye. It was a small comfort. Far in the distance, Remus heard the others in the room shifting about, followed by a very loud, "Bloody hell!"

It didn't take Remus long to realize that they could not see Sirius. Harry knew somewhere deep inside him that if the spell didn't work the first time, it would never work at all. If it could never work, then all that Dumbledore was saying was true. There would be no hope of ever having Sirius back and Remus had truly gone crazy. It ached more than he cared to admit.

Ron, Hermione and Ginny were trying their best to comfort him, but he also knew that they were crushed by it as well. Even Mrs. Weasley, who never believed in what Remus was attempting to do, was crestfallen at the failure of the spell. Harry guessed that she felt bad for Remus or that she thought he was further gone than previously anticipated. Everyone standing on the one side of the room watched heartbrokenly while Remus Lupin shattered.

Dumbledore walked a few paces towards Remus and began to talk soothingly to him. His attempt at a calming voice only made Harry want to throw a chair. Harry respected his professor, but he'd come to realize in the past year that the man could no longer truly connect with people. He had no idea how devastating this failure was to Remus.

Remus had curled up on the floor near the bed, only his right side visible to the others. He was muttering something about what had gone wrong. As he continued talking to himself, however, his voice became more pleading. It sounded like he was a child about to be abandoned by his mother. Harry wanted to rush over there and comfort him, to tell Remus that he was not alone and that he'll be there for him. Lupin was crying openly, something Harry had never seen him do. It felt like a complete invasion of privacy. None of them should have witnessed it.

Remus had tilted his head slightly upwards and closed his eyes tightly. He looked so distressed that Mrs. Weasley was crying by the doorway. Dumbledore had stopped his coaxing and instead studied Remus. As they all looked on, something peculiar happened.

Thousands of tiny lights, barely the size of dust motes, began to gather near Lupin's head. They swirled and circled about, getting closer and closer together. Then, a soft glow emanated from the specks. The area became increasingly solid, and the number of specks increased. It continued until there was a large glowing mass crouched in front of Remus. And suddenly it was Sirius crouched there, gently holding Remus's face and pressing a kiss to his forehead. Harry and the others stood shell-shocked.

As Sirius pulled away with tears in his eyes, Hermione Granger, prefect and cleverest witch of her age, found her voice. "Bloody hell!" Her jaw dropped, as did Ron and Harry's.

"Hermione," Ron whispered in awe.

Her exclamation had caught the attention of Sirius, who stood up and faced them. He looked from Hermione, to Harry, to Dumbledore, and back again.

Dumbledore coughed slightly. "Mr. Black." He sounded as confused as Sirius looked. Harry had never heard the Headmaster so uncertain. "I take it a 'Welcome' is in order?"

"It worked?" Sirius was looking at all of them now, pleased that they were able to look him in the eye. "You can all see me?"

Harry flew to his godfather and hugged him as hard as he could. Sirius was solid, real, and alive. He could hear Sirius's heart beating in his chest, he could feel his arms wrapped just as tightly around him. Harry began to cry, regardless of the amount of people still in the room watching them.

"Hush, Harry," Sirius soothed. "I'm here. I'm back and I'm not leaving you again."

"Uhm," Ginny said quietly from across the room. "Professors?" Dumbledore and McGonagall turned to her. "Something's wrong…"

Following Ginny's gaze, they all looked at Remus. The werewolf was still curled up next to the bed, covering his head with his arms, and rocking back and forth. Sirius let go of Harry and rushed to his side. Dumbledore stepped forward and crouched next to him.

"Remus? Come on, Moony. Focus on me." Sirius gently pushed Remus's face up and brushed his hair off his forehead. "Did you hear that? The spell worked."

"Mr. Lupin, can you hear us?" Dumbledore began to wave his wand over Remus. The former professor continued rocking. His eyes were unfocused like they were at the hospital, and he was muttering to himself.

"They won't let up… I don't know anything. All alone, it's too dark. Mum, please, I want to hear a song."

Sirius was quickly becoming distressed. He repeatedly stroked Lupin's hair and face, constantly whispering his name. Remus remained oblivious to them all. Dumbledore sat heavily on the floor, his wand lying useless at his side. He turned to look at McGonagall. "By Merlin," he whispered. "What have I done?"

A fire had been prepared in the drawing room to dispel the drafts of the house, but Harry was beginning to feel the heat smothering him. There were far too many people in the room for his liking. Remus was curled up in a chair by the fireplace. He had fallen silent once he was moved to this room, but his mind was still miles away. Mrs. Weasley, Ginny, Ron, and Hermione were sitting on the couch. Tonks and Mr. Weasley were leaning against the wall by the window, quietly talking to Moody. Dumbledore was pacing the length of the room, watched by McGonagall and Harry. Madame Pomfrey was waving her wand over Remus, attempting to diagnose what was wrong with him. Sirius had positioned himself by Remus, one hand on the werewolf's shoulder, the other on Harry's.

"Explain everything, Sirius." Dumbledore turned to Sirius. Everyone stopped talking. "Start at the very beginning, if you can."

"I—I don't remember much from the beginning." Sirius pulled up a chair across from Remus. He seemed to draw strength from him. "Everything was crazy at the Ministry." He chuckled. "I was having so much fun. I was out of the house, and fighting my cousin, no less!" He paused to gather his thoughts. "I remember it being very dark. There were voices, and I was starting to go numb. But something told me to fight it. I think I heard Harry shouting."

Harry shared a small smile with his godfather.

"Next thing I know, I was following Remus around. No one could see me or hear me. It was like another prison. And then, one day, I realized Remus could smell me."

"That explains why he got all jittery," Tonks interrupted.

"And then he could see me, and then hear me. Remember that night when he flipped over the kitchen table?" They all nodded. "I had been provoking him all day. Finally he snapped. That was the first time he was able to touch me."

"He punched you…" Harry whispered.

"Yeah. I deserved that." Sirius chuckled again. "He figured it out that night. You see, he thought he was going crazy, just like you all thought. But then he realized what was really happening. What it comes down to is that I was able to escape death, but not entirely. Remus only figured out what was happening because of his condition."

"What do you mean?" Dumbledore asked. "His lycanthropy?"

"Yes. The curse affects the brain. It magically enhances the parts of the mind that handle emotions, specifically the part that controls aggression. When the moon is full, it pulls the magic even further. All that rage manifests itself in the werewolf form."

"I read about this!" Ron interrupted. "In that book Professor Lupin recommended. The one by Knight and Dae."

Sirius laughed. "That's the book we were working on."

"You wrote it?" Hermione asked incredulously.

"Well, we are trying to write it. It gave me something to do while I was trapped in this moldy old house. It's not actually published yet. Anyway, the magic also seeps into other parts of the brain and affects the other emotional triggers. That's why you never make a werewolf angry, and why most people think werewolves mate for life. They can be intensely passionate. It's also why most werewolves spend so much energy on being emotionally cut off. The less they access those parts of the brain, the less they feel like turning into monsters. Some werewolves, like Greyback, give in completely to the enhanced emotions and become a horrible mix of man and monster."

"I have heard of this new theory." Dumbledore looked intently at Lupin. "A research facility in Ireland is working on it right now. They propose that werewolves are in reality entirely human, but in the extreme. After all, any human can be a complete monster when out of control."

"We don't quite buy all of their conclusions, but the theory is the same. You see where this is going?" Sirius asked. "When Remus started to smell me, he had just opened himself completely up to guilt. When he began to see me, he had just been filled with grief. Hearing me occurred just after a dream made him entirely happy and content. And, obviously, he could feel me once he was absolutely angry."

Dumbledore's eyes gleamed. "It's almost insane how coincidental this all is."

"Precisely. When Remus gave full access to his emotions, it triggered the innate magic in his blood. That magic reacted to wherever I was, and opened Remus up to my existence. I was on the edge of life, and the one person that I was following was the one person that would have ever been able to acknowledge me."

"So the spell Remus created was supposed to push you that extra step into life?" Harry queried. Sirius nodded. "Then how come it didn't work? How did you actually come back?"

"It did work." Hermione burst out. She was staring at Remus and Sirius with comprehension dawning in her eyes. "It worked, but it was missing one final thing, one more emotion, the strongest of them all. Love." She turned to Dumbledore. "The love Professor Lupin felt for Sirius served as a catalyst for the spell."

"Loony, loopy Lupin… loony, loopy Lupin…" Remus muttered from his chair.

"So what's wrong with Remus?" Tonks asked worriedly from the window. "The spell worked, we know he's not crazy. Why won't he snap out of it?"

"I wish I knew." Dumbledore was gazing sadly at Lupin. Sirius had taken Remus's hand in his and was rubbing it soothingly. The pain in his godfather's eyes hurt Harry nearly as much as his own concern for Remus.

"Perhaps I can be of service," a new voice responded from the doorway. Healer Dulaney, the Order member that had escorted Harry to headquarters and had been taking care of Remus at St. Mungo's, stood in the doorway. Her hair was no longer tightly bound and her robes bore several smudges of dirt. "I only hope I'm not too late."

Kingsley Shacklebolt followed Dulaney into the room, obviously having had escorted her to Grimmauld. "I was finishing up an assignment when I heard that Dulaney here had been taken into custody. Naturally, I did a little investigating."

"Custody?" Dumbledore was shocked. "What for?"

Dulaney made her way over to Remus. "I was watching over Mr. Lupin, like you asked me to, when I noticed something off about his charts. Malific had been giving Lupin high doses of both Nepenthe and Halifoot potions."

Pomfrey gasped. "Why didn't he just use a Calming Charm? Did he know what he was doing?"

"I didn't think so, at first." She noticed the confused looks of the other people in the room. "Nepenthe is a potion commonly used to subdue unruly patients. It relaxes the muscles and often the mind. Halifoot is used on patients demonstrating scattered thoughts, high amounts of confusion and anxiety. This potion focuses the mind."

"In combination," Pomfrey added, "the two potions can be disastrous."

"Relaxing Lupin opened him up to hallucinations. Focusing his mind narrowed his thoughts to those hallucinations and his own separate world." Hermione gasped at Dulaney's description. "I had first noticed the discrepancy during your visit. When I confronted Malific about it, he admitted to purposefully combining the two."

"What?" Sirius hissed. He looked ready to kill.

"He told me he wanted to get rid of another monster in this world." Dulaney's cheeks heated up in anger. "If Lupin had been declared completely mentally incapacitated with no hope of recovery, the Ministry would have granted Malific the right to 'dispose' of him."

Sirius growled. Harry wanted to scream.

"When I told him to stop, Malific had me arrested for 'stealing hospital property'. A false accusation, of course."

Dumbledore grasped Dulaney's shoulders. "Can it be fixed?"

Pomfrey and Dulaney waved their wands over Remus once more, and then consulted quietly. Sirius remained seated across from Remus, holding the werewolf's hands in his own. His gaze was completely focused on Lupin. When she turned back to Dumbledore, Dulaney's face was somber. "We aren't certain how much Malific was able to give him before he made it here. In fact, I'm surprised Lupin was able to escape the hospital and get here at all, let alone do any spellwork."

"Can you fix it?" Dumbledore asked again urgently.

Dulaney shifted uncomfortably. "I have an antidote, yes."

"Then everything will be okay?" Mr. Weasley asked.

"We're not certain. It may be too late. Malific increased the dosage once he realized that it wasn't working. There is only an extremely small chance that he will become lucid again on his own—and even then it will several years. However, if Lupin has had too much injected in him for too long, giving him the antidote might actually kill him." She looked around the room. "It takes a lot out of a wizard. He may not survive the cleansing of his systems."

Everyone in the room looked at Dumbledore, waiting for his response. He was staring at Sirius. "Mr. Black. I believe the decision is up to you."

Harry noticed that Sirius only tightened his grip on Remus's hands during Dulaney's explanation. He continued staring right into Remus's unfocused eyes. Before he realized what he was doing, Harry walked over to Remus and his godfather and put his hand over their entwined ones. Sirius finally looked away from the werewolf, gazing questioningly at his godson. Harry wanted to tell him that no matter what he decided, he would support him. He wanted Sirius to know that this was hard on him as well. He wanted his godfather to know that the three of them were family, and nothing could take that away. When Harry opened his mouth, however, nothing came out. Sirius raised his eyebrows, but seemed to understand what Harry wanted to say. He nodded, smiled slightly, and returned his gaze to Remus. Lupin, meanwhile, was starting to mutter to himself again.

"I don't think you should ask such a thing of Sirius, Albus," Mrs. Weasley stated. "He's just come back from the dead not more than an hour ago."

"So who should decide? You?" Tonks rounded on Mrs. Weasley. "You barely know Remus."

"I'm not saying it should be me, I'm just saying that it shouldn't be him! I think Professor Dumbledore is the most qualified to make such a decision."

"We do have to consider what's best for the Order, sir," Moody added from across the room. "Do we have the resources to take care of an incapacitated werewolf?"

"Rather than a dead one?" Mr. Weasley glared angrily at Mad-Eye. "I do not want to see a friend of mine die through our actions."

Mrs. Weasley and Tonks were still arguing. "Do you know Remus enough?" Molly asked.

"I know him well enough to understand what he would want, yes."

Ginny had run to her father's side and was reprimanding Moody. "You are treating Professor Lupin like an object, not a human being!"

"And what does he want, Tonks? A man who's been on the run for years to decide whether he lives or dies?"

"I'm not saying he's an object, Miss Weasley. I'm just reminding Dumbledore of the needs of the Order."

"And what the Order doesn't need, Alastor, is another casualty." McGonagall's lips were pursed so tightly that they were turning white.

Hermione had her arms wrapped tightly around herself on the couch. "There has to be another way…" Ron tentatively placed his hand on her shoulder.

"Of course it should be up to Sirius to decide!" Harry finally found his voice. "He's the last family that Remus has left. Sirius knows him better than any one of us."

"Remus was always so resilient, so strong." Sirius's voice cut through the arguing. "He's stronger than any of us will ever know…" He was still staring fixedly at Remus with a small frown. Finally, he closed his eyes and sighed deeply. "Give him the antidote."