Part Five

Pooh and Eeyore went with Piglet for an etiquette lesson. The lesson was to be taught by some chick that Piglet knew. The lesson was at Wayne State University, and was private, with just the three pupils.

"Now who knows what some of the dances that you will be having to dance are?" The teacher, Mrs. Bogs asked.

"The hokey pokey?" Pooh answered.

"No," Mrs. Bogs sighed.

"The humpty-hump," Eeyore replied sarcastically. When Eeyore got sarcastic his eyes began to glow green, and get beady.

"This is not some sleaze dance at a cheap nightclub," Mrs. Bogs muttered growing impatient.

"Damn," Eeyore replied. "I don't know if I want to go then." To ease a delicate situation Piglet decided to jump in.

"We will be dancing the waltz, the pavane, and the gigue,"

"Very good Miss Piglet," a relieved Mrs. Bogs exclaimed. "Now can any of you tell me what these dances are?"

"A gigue is a bad movie with Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck," Pooh said seriously while scratching his privates.

"You dumb ass," Eeyore laughed. "That was Gigli, and it wasn't bad, it was simply dreadful."

"The gigue," Piglet said in a superior tone. "Is a fast jig like dance in 6/8 time Anglo in origin, the Pavane is a slow, dignified court dance in 4/4 time with gliding steps and skips. The waltz is in 3/4 time, and can be faster and felt in one, or slower and felt in three. They can range from anything to the Strauss Waltzes of Vienna, to songs such as Moon River and Lara's Theme."

"Well aren't we little miss when I shit, I shit gold," Eeyore grumbled.

"That's enough Mr. Eeyore," Mrs. Bogs scolded. "We will go over the basic dance steps for these dances later. For now let us work on our introductions."

"Introductions?" Pooh asked. "To who?"

"When you enter the Taurus ballroom you will be introduced to Mr. And Mrs. Von Maurer," Mrs. Bogs explained. Your name will be announced and if you are a lady you will curtsy, a man will bow. As you sink down you will say softly but sincerely, my lord, my lady. Lets us work on bowing and curtseying."

Pooh, Eeyore, and Piglet set to the task. Piglet already knew how to curtsey and she just needed a brief refresher. Pooh and Eeyore focused on bows. Out of the corner of his eye Pooh spotted the table set for the etiquette lesson that would be taught over tea. Pooh could smell the fresh golden raisin scones baking in the oven, and he spotted a plate piled high with shortbread.

"Oh bother," he muttered as his tummy gurgled. "Tis hard to concentrate when I'm so tired and hungry, and I can smell the food," he thought to himself.

"Pooh you must concentrate better," Mrs. Bogs instructed as she began to circle him. "When you bow, you mustn't keep your head up and your buttocks jetted out. You look like a pregnant, bobbing, duck. Not only do you look ridiculous, but you can loose your balance, and easily topple over."

"It would suck some major ass to fall in a heap at Felix von Maurer's feet," Eeyore snickered. "Plus when they announce our names they will know we are friends of Shawsey Sanders, and Shawsey Sanders walked out on the Wolves. They won't like us, and they will think we are disloyal."

"Oh dear," moaned Piglet. "I guess I'm glad I get invited because I'm rich. I would hate for Mr. Von Maurer not to be charmed by me. How awful. Whatever will we do?"

"The von Maurer's will be more impressed with your manners than your name," said Mrs. Bogs. "Let us go work on our table manners."

"Yeah I'm starving," Pooh said hungrily. He plopped down at the table and began to pile his plate with shortbread, and all of the chocolate dipped strawberries.

"Now Pooh," Mrs. Bogs instructed. "Tis not proper to hog all the food at the table. You are also to wait until everyone is served before you take a bite."

This was going to be a long day. The day got worse. Pooh spilled tea on Eeyore who claimed he was trying to scorch him on purpose. All he wanted to do was satiate himself by gobbling down his meal, but the whole time Mrs. Bogs was all over him for eating to quickly, or taking too big of bite.

"You must take at least thirty seconds between each bite," she bellowed.

"Thirty seconds!" Pooh shouted. "I know I'm a bear of petite size of brain, but if I were to wait thirty seconds in between each bite number one it would get cold, and number two second and third helpings would be gone."

"Tis rude to take second and third helpings," Mrs. Bogs shook her head. "It wouldn't do you any harm to break that habit right now."

"Why is that?" Asked Pooh.

"She's trying to politely say you're a fat ass," Eeyore chirped.

The dance lessons were also a disaster. Pooh couldn't keep any of the steps in time, he stepped on Piglets toe, he forgot steps. Piglet tried to help them out by whispering them in his ear.

"Point your toe, glide here, sink down." Still Pooh was all bobbles and errors. Mrs. Bogs spent almost the whole lesson yelling at Pooh, plus dancing right after eating gave him stomach cramps. You were supposed to sleep after a meal.

"Oh bother," Pooh muttered as they got into Piglet's black Lexus SUV after the lesson. "That was a disaster. I'm going to make a fool of myself."

"No you won't Pooh," Piglet replied. "This was only your first lesson. You'll have it by the ball. Your suit will look fabulous. You'll get loose on a little champagne punch. You will move ever so gracefully with the music, you'll twirl and glide and bow down to the Fords and they will be very charmed. And the food will be phenomenal."

Pooh began to feel better. When Piglet spoke of the ball it made Pooh feel like a

prince, and he knew everything would be okay.