Chapter Four: Indecision
"Jess?" Jess looked up from where she was curled up on the rocks to see a tall figure silhouetted in the darkness. It took Jess a few seconds before she recognized the voice and the outline of the figure.
"What are you doing here, Alex?"
"Will sent me to look for you. She figured you would listen to me." Jess rolled her eyes but smiled at her nosey, but welcomed, visitor. Alex climbed the rocks with some difficulty, and emerged beside her panting.
"How do you get up here? Are you part cat?"
"Meow," Jess responded with a giggle. Alex squinted into the pitch darkness as he slid his arm gently around Jess's waist and pulled her close to him.
"Will told me about your mother showing up today." Jess sniffed.
"She's not my mother. She decided she didn't want me a long time ago." Alex shook his head.
"You don't know why she left you. Her husband could have been abusive or she could have been homeless. She could have done it for your own good."
"It wasn't for my own good. It's been hell ever since she left me." Alex brushed his finger over her cheek.
"She may have thought it would have been better. She didn't know what would happen." She pressed her forehead to his shoulder and nodded her head. Alex was right. She had no idea of the circumstances of her abandonment. She didn't know how he had done it, but, once again, he had put her mind at ease. That was just Alex. No one could make her feel safe like he could. He had a way of making her see reason. "Do you really want to hide up here all day? Why don't you let me walk you home." She nodded and he took her hand gently.
Jess didn't talk much through dinner. Her mind was lost in thought. Will tried to pick up her end of the conversation by chattering on and on about whatever popped her head. Jess was, once again, thankful for Will's help. Jess retreated to their bedroom after dinner and covered her ears with her headphones once more. Will came in and Jess hastily shut her eyes and pretended to be asleep with the music pounding in her ears. Once again her mind was at the mercy of her memories.
I tried to kill the pain
but only brought more
I lay dying
and I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal
I'm dying, praying, bleeding and screaming
am I too lost to be saved
am I too lost?
"Leave me alone!" four year old Jess hollered over the noise of the vacuum.
"Jessica, sweetheart-"
"My name is Jess, and I want my mommy!" The red haired lady was nice, but Jess didn't want a her to try to comfort her. She wanted to be alone. She wanted her mommy. She pulled from her grasp and ran to her hiding place behind the door.
my God my tourniquet
return to me salvation
my God my tourniquet
return to me salvation
do you remember me
lost for so long
will you be on the other side
or will you forget me
I'm dying, praying, bleeding and screaming
am I too lost to be saved
am I too lost?
The memory faded into another.
my God my tourniquet
return to me salvation
my God my tourniquet
return to me salvation
I want to die!
Seven year old Jess sat snuggled under the bed as the woman in the high heels tapped into her room. "Jessica Aradia, get out here now!" Jess shuffled back farther into the corner, holding her toy cat to her chest. She felt a hand on her foot as she was whipped out from under the bed. She felt a sharp hand on her rear and she cried out. "I have been calling you for an hour, you little brat!" Her hand descended again but Jess didn't cry. She didn't say a word. She closed her eyes tightly and prayed desperately for her mommy to come and save her.
my God my tourniquet
return to me salvation
my God my tourniquet
return to me salvation
my wounds cry for the grave
my soul cries for deliverance
will I be denied Christ
tourniquet
my suicide
"No one wants you, and that's why you're here!" The man yelled. Eleven year old Jess sat crumpled on the floor, her hand nursing a bleeding lip. Her eyes were narrowed with hatred. He grabbed her up by her wrists and she cracked him in the face with fist, causing him to drop her roughly on the ground. "You hit me, you little bitch!" He cracked her across the mouth and she swore. He grabbed her up and slammed her against the wall. She tried to pull away but her drug her into the bedroom where he through her roughly to the bed.
"No! No! No!" She cried, tears streaming down her face and she tried to pull away from him. "No!"
"No! Will?" Jess blinked tears out of her eyes as she saw Will's copper colored eyes staring at her with fear and concern.
"Jess are you alright"
"Will!" Jess gripped Will's hand as she tried to shake off the memories that lingered in the air like an oppressing fog. Will brushed a strand of her dark brown hair out of Jess's face and whispered gently.
"It's ok Jess. It was just a nightmare."
"No it wasn't. It wasn't just a nightmare. They were memories." Jess released Will's hand and leaned back against the pillow. Will sat down next to her and lifted Sunny, Jess's little dogchild, from the foot of the bed and placed her in Jess's arms. The small pup wriggled her back end, trying to wag her short cocker spaniel tail, and licked the tears off of Jess's face. Jess buried her nose into Sunny's golden fur, drawing comfort from her warmth and closeness, as well as Will's.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Jess shook her head. "You should, you know."
"I…can't." Will sought to change the subject.
"What are you going to do about your birth mother?"
"What do you mean, what do I want to do about her?"
"Are you going to see her, or what?" Jess shrugged.
"I kind of want to, you know, to find out why she left me." Will smiled.
"Good idea," she chirped, darting aver to her bed. Jess was staring sadly at the ceiling as she pulled her headphones back over her ears.
"Will?" she asked. The red head looked up from her bed.
"Yeah Jess?"
"Thanks." Will giggled.
"You're welcome. What are sisters for." Jess smiled.
Jess had no more nightmares that night.
A/N: Just in case anyone's wondering about that last memory, yes, he did rape her. Intense, I know.