Part Nine
The rest of the dance was a dream. Pooh found that he rather enjoyed Jello shots, but he enjoyed nothing more than all the food and sweets. He even found that he didn't mind dancing. Before the dancing begun, the crowd was silenced, and Felix von Maurer, and the mayor of Detroit, gave speeches. Then two life size mechanical dolls, one dressed as a toy soldier, the other was a pink fairy with delicate wings and long golden curls, took the dance floor. They were wound up and danced to March of the Toy Soldiers. The crowd oohed and ahhed as they pirouetted and twirled on the floor. When the dolls were done, the von Maurer's danced a waltz from Swan Lake together. Then the floor was open to everybody. Everyone went out and bowed to their partner. The orchestra started with Strauss's Roses from the South. The suit worked it's magic once again. Pooh danced with Piglet, and then with some heavy set, but dressed in a gorgeous silk cranberry dress, Puerto Rican chick, who was a nanny to the children of the president of Chrysler Motor Company. He didn't step on her toes, he didn't loose time with the music, and he was graceful and courtly. As he went to get his dance mate a flask of Kristal from the fountain Pooh had to smile to himself. Eeyore was dancing with some flat-chested floosey in a way too low cut yellow gown. Tigger always said there was no point in wearing anything low cut if you had nothing to fill it up with. He also said a girl with a good rack had just a hearty handful, anything else was wasted. Pooh thought his Puerto Rican chick definitely had a hearty handful. He missed Tigger. They had barely spoken since their argument. Pooh felt sorry for Tigger sitting at home, all by himself. He spotted Owl by the cigar table, enjoying a cup of Louis XIII.
"Cherrio, happy returns of the day," Owl greeted him. Owl was clutching a beautiful cigar that was 150 bucks a stick. "Are you enjoying the ball?"
"Oh yes," Pooh replied. " I love dancing. "He helped himself to some more egg rolls. Pooh knew he would be sick for the next two weeks, on the toilet, and then stopped up from all the food and merriment of tonight, but he didn't care. It was Christmas. He was already so full that he had popped the button on his suit pants, but he probably wouldn't wear them again. "I just feel bad that Shawsey and Tigger couldn't be here," he said.
"Shawsey comes to these functions often enough," said Owl. "He knows the ropes." He and Shawsey were good golfing buddies. He lit his cigar, and then offered one to Pooh. "As for Tigger, don't feel bad for him. He could have been invited instead of Eeyore, but he wasn't just because of his own actions, not yours. Tigger can't hold down a job for more than two weeks, he has tons of bill collectors on his ass all the time, probably has forty illegitimate children that he owes child support on. My great nephew Owlmonzo had to go on one of those shows, I believe it twas The Maury Show to do a paternity test before he paid any alimony on his two illegitimate children."
"Oh bother," Pooh muttered as he reached for a handful of butter mints. "I'm a bear of lukewarm brain. What does ill-e-git-e-mit mean?"
"Never mind," heaved Owl. "Tigger is just jealous."
"Jealous?" Pooh asked as Owl lit his cigar for him. "But Tigger gets to bed beautiful women whenever he wants to!"
"That is so," Owl replied. "But people trust you to do more grown up things such as this ball. That probably rags on him. Don't let it bother you."
Pooh felt better. If Tigger had his own demons to work out, that was his problem, not Pooh's. The rest of the evening was filled with dances, merriment, food, and drink, and ménages. At the end of the evening Pooh was filled with good food, and laughter. Piglet, Rabbit, and Owl all had rented limos and drivers. Owl had rented a Rolls Royce! Eeyore decided to go home with Pooh. There was just one problem, Pooh was too drunk to drive, especially Shawsey's prized Jaguar.
"Oh bother," Pooh muttered. "However will we get home?" They were stranded outside the von Maurer Mansion, in the blistering cold. Chips of ice belted their faces. For an answer Eeyore jumped head first in a snow bank and said
"hey Pooh Bear, want to suck on my Picadilly?" Pooh began to feel the
queasiness of the stomach, the pulsating headache of hangover. At least tomorrow was
Christmas Eve and not Christmas Day, so opening presents wouldn't be ruined. Pooh
plopped down on the front stoop. He had to do something before he or Eeyore puked all
over the steps of the glorious von Maurer mansion. Rabbit, Piglet, and Owl would not be
home yet, Shawsey was too sick. That left just Tigger to call to pick them up. Tigger
didn't even have a car. Perhaps Kanga could give him a ride. Pooh got out his cell phone.
With a champagne soaked brain Pooh dialed Tigger's number. To his horror, Eeyore
began to take a leak on the side of the mansion. He had to get home!