Tony felt completely numb. The only part of himself he could feel was his heart and he wished he couldn't because it hurt so much. It ached so strongly.
He walked, or rather floated, to his car and got in the driver's side. Gibbs had finally let them go home. Tony wasn't really registering much of his surroundings. He was on automatic and just knew he had to go home. The only thing that kept running through his mind was Kate's death. It was stuck on repeat. Her smile, her joking at his expense, the gunshot, the blood on his face, then Kate lying motionless on the concrete…
He shuddered again and turned up the heat in the car, although he knew the shudders weren't from cold. Tony took a deep but shaky breath and drove out of the car park.
The realizations that he'd never see Kate again set in. He'd never see her smile, or hear her laugh, or see her glare at him. He'd never get to tease her again, never get to gang up with her against McGee. He'd never get to tell her what she meant to him.
Gibbs said she already knew. She is… was… a profiler and she could tell. But that thought didn't comfort Tony. Nothing could. Kate was gone and that was all that mattered.
Suddenly Tony realized he wasn't on the highway. He'd just been numbly following the blue car in front, relying on it to lead him home. He shook his head and forced himself to concentrate on something other than Kate. But of course that was impossible.
He switched on the radio and turned it up as loud as it would go in an attempt to drown out the voice in his head. The voice that was screaming at him for not stopping what happened, for not doing something - anything.
Should have known better but you didn't and you can't go back
No, life goes on…
Tony punched the button on the radio. He didn't' want life to go on without Kate. That was an empty life.
He was angry at himself for not being truthful with her. They bickered and argued a lot sure, but Kate meant the world to Tony. All those moments wasted. He thumped the steering wheel hard as the radio tuned to a new station.
Cause we've lost it all,
Nothing lasts forever,
I'm sorry I can't be perfect…
Tony was getting more and more angry. Why couldn't he have just told Kate he loved her? Why'd she have to die? Why didn't he see the sniper? Why didn't he save her? Why wasn't it him? Why Kate? Just… why?
He punched the button again.
You touched my heart you touched my soul,
You changed my life and all my goals,
Love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you…
Tony really did love Kate. With all his heart. It was love at first sight. Kate had the ability to change the way he felt and thought by doing nothing but being Kate. If only she knew what an affect she had on him. But now she'd never know. Kate was gone. Gone. Forever.
Goodbye my lover,
Goodbye my friend,
You have been the one,
You have been the one for me.
Kate had been right there with him through so much. They'd been in life-threatening situations more times than he could count. He'd saved her life and she'd saved his. Many times.
But he didn't save her this time.
I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit – it's my dreams you take,
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be.
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile,
I've watched you sleeping for a while,
I'd be the father of your child,
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine,
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true,
I cannot live without you.
A wave of pure and utter sadness flooded over Tony. How was he supposed to live without her? Life without Kate right there with him, when she'd been there so many times before. He didn't even want to imagine that life, let alone live in it.
Goodbye my lover,
Goodbye my friend,
You have been the one,
You have been the one for me…
As the song played loudly through the car, Tony sped along the highway. He couldn't stand feeling this lost and devastated and lonely. He couldn't get his head around the fact that she was gone forever. Kate was dead. Dead.
Tears welled up in his eyes and he made no attempt at wiping them away. It would have been no use anyway. The sorrow and sadness engulfed him. His heart ached and his stomach cramped. The tears fell down his cheeks and soaked his jacket. He missed Kate so much already.
Goodbye my lover,
Goodbye my friend,
You have been the one,
You have been the one for me…
Tony gripped the steering wheel until his knuckles turned white. His foot was almost pressed to the floor as he tried to control himself. His whole body shook as he sobbed and gasped for air.
I'm so hollow baby, I'm so hollow,
I'm so, I'm so…
All he could think about was Kate. All he could see was Kate. The road was a blur and, through the tears, streetlights and headlights made blinding starry shapes.
But Tony failed to see the red lights and he failed stop. Tony failed to see the truck hurtling toward him. Tony failed to hold on to life, just as Kate's was stolen from her.
I'm so hollow.