Anguirus111 Note: Yes, this story will be as bizarre as the title and summary suggest. This story takes place a good three hundred years before ANH and features Zoda, an OC I created who is the nephew of Yoda only a lot more reckless, along with Neva Kee. This Neva Kee is the same individual who would podrace in TPM although at this point in time, he's a famed and well respected diplomat. Bizarre I know, but that's just how it is. At some point in time he became 'friends' with Zoda and together Zoda would get them into bad situations that Neva would have to bail him out of. This is one of their mishaps involving a little known game in the Star Wars galaxy called golf. Oh yeah, the Spinners in this chapter are identical to the ones that showed up in Blade Runner and also appeared several times in The Phantom Menace. Don't believe me, look it up, or listen to the TPM audio commentary.
Coruscant, 300 years pre-the battle of Yavin: A normal everyday family who lived in one Coruscant's many apartments were sitting down for their lunch as the holoprojector newscast began reporting the day's events.
"In other news today, Ambassador Neva Kee helped bring about a peaceful settlement between the lockout among the labor union and the Supreme Chancellor regarding building of a new senate rotunda. The new rotunda would provide easier viewing area for all senators as well as allow new hoverpods for the senators to move around in to approach the Supreme Chancellor much easier. Construction had halted due to a breakdown in negotiations over labor compensation but was resolved this morning. In other news…" the newscaster droned on. The family just sat there eating, not paying much attention to the newscast, it was just an ordinary day.
Elsewhere: A small unidentified object rocketed through the steel canyons of Coruscant. It was moving at an incredible speed and was moving straight past the oncoming traffic. It smashed straight through a garbage truck's cabin causing it to careen wildly out of control and crash into a nearby building. The traffic behind it swerved in all directions to avoid the accident thereby causing even more fender benders and accidents. As the pile-up increased, a blue spacecraft barely succeeded in breaking through the mess while being chased by three Coruscant Police Spinners in hot pursuit. Strangely enough, the spacecraft seemed to be in pursuit of the small object.
Apartment: The family continued eating and conversing about the day's events. The two children discussed how they were looking forward to spending their upcoming summer vacation while the father discussed the day's events at his job. The mother just listened calmly before she too reported on her day. It was routine, they had done it everyday and it was slowly becoming their favorite part of lunch.
Canyons: The blue ship rocketed past vehicle after vehicle as the Spinners continued chasing after it. Inside the ship were two short individuals, one almost completely blue skinned and the other pale with long ears.
"Not a bad shot, nice and straight right towards the hole," said blue.
"Yeah," agreed long ears. "Too bad the police took such an offense to it."
"They hate what they don't understand," said blue. "And what can cause extensive property damage in the process."
"But it's so relaxing the process," said long ears.
"Yeah but which part is more relaxing to you, playing the game or evading the cops in the process," said blue. Long ears looked insightful.
"Good question," it said. Blue tilted the ship on its axis so it barely squeezed between a pair of freighters.
"Where is your…?" began long ears.
"Coming up," said blue.
"Can you hit it on the run?" asked long ears. "Somehow I don't think we can stay still long enough for you to take the shot without the police being right on top of us when you make it."
"Yeah," said blue. "I can do it. Take over and head for the transponder on the scanner."
"Cool," said long ears. Blue left the controls as long ears took over and headed towards the back of the bridge. In the back were two bags full of metal cylinders with grips and wedges attached to them. Blue carefully considered which one to use before removing one.
"Beautiful," said blue.
"Thirty seconds!" shouted long ears as the ship did a barrel roll to avoid a large wolf pack of hovercraft.
"Right!" said blue running to the exit hatch. Blue opened it to reveal the outside blurring by at incredible speeds. Blue grabbed a hold of the edge and leaned out as the wind whipped all around it to see the three Spinners chasing behind it sirens blaring. Blue took the metal object and saluted the cops before spinning around. The spacecraft drew lower and lower to the rooftops as it continued its breakneck speed through Coruscanti Traffic. People below on their rooftops scattered out of the way as the vehicle raced by overhead.
"Five seconds!" shouted long ears. Blue looked all around before spotting its target.
"Check, got it," it said. "Adjust heading by three degrees!"
The vehicle moved to the side slightly and instantly was on top of the object in question, a small white dimpled round object. Blue swung back its metallic object and swung. The long object connected with the smaller one and it went rocketing off into the air. Blue got back in and shut the door as the vehicle continued roaring onwards with the police still in pursuit.
"Where's your ball?" asked blue getting back into the pilot's seat.
"Just up ahead and…ah crap!" shouted long ears. A massive apartment complex loomed right in front of them.
Apartment: The family was just finishing up their lunch when they heard police sirens blaring in the distance. The two kids ran to the window to watch for the police to race by only for to leap out of the way as a golf ball blasted through the main window and smashed into their table so hard it broke it in half. Outside the blue spacecraft roared to a halt and hovered outside blasting air everywhere as it cut onto its repulsors. Two individuals leapt out into the room to observe the ball.
"Do I get a drop?" yelled Zoda, oblivious to the shocked look of the family as air kept blowing everything everywhere.
"No you don't get a drop, you lazy Hutt!" shouted Neva Kee. "Just swing!"
"This ball won't pass through solid matter like a wall!" shouted Zoda. Neva groaned and through open the door to reveal a hallway leading to a glass window down at the far end.
"Let her rip!" shouted Neva as the sirens blared louder and louder.
"Fore!" shouted Zoda. He swung his club back and blasted the ball straight down the hallway where a pair of people had to drop to the ground to avoid it hitting them as the ball crashed out the far window and rocketed off into the daytime sky.
"Let's roll!" shouted Neva before pulling out a datachit.
"That ought to cover all the damages," he shouted to the shell shocked family as he and Zoda leapt back into the ship and it peeled off right before a Spinner plowed right through the wall of the apartment and smashed into the hallway outside.
"Honey," said the man.
"Yes dear," said the woman still looking in shock at all the damage inflicted in just a couple minutes time.
"Let's move," he said. "Perhaps things have become a little way to routine around here."
"Yeah," said the wife nodding. "I agree."
They both looked at the damaged Spinner in the hallway as the officers inside got out incredibly dizzy as a roar was heard overhead and through the far window the blue spaceship could be seen being pursued by the two remaining Spinners. One of the two officers meanwhile, began trying to get the engine to turn over on the Spinner despite the fact that the front end was completely crumpled.
"What're you doing?" demanded the passenger, Charlie.
"Shut up!" shouted Roop the driver. He continued twisting the key when suddenly and miraculously the engine caught and the vehicle roared to life.
"Aha!" shouted Roop.
"You're crazy!" shouted Charlie.
"Shut up!" shouted Roop as the vehicle wobbled up into the air.
"You're a menace on the skyway!" shouted Charlie. Roop meanwhile just grinned and slammed down on the accelerator. The Spinner, code named Big Bopper, tore off down the hallway as the people who had just gotten up ducked down again as the vehicle crashed out the other end and continued the pursuit.
"Big Bopper to March Hare, we're still in the game okay," said Roop over the radio as the vehicle continued accelerating much to Charlie's chagrin.
Spacecraft: Zoda chuckled as he heard Roop over the radio.
"Bet he gets it back at HQ, this is the third Spinner he's wrecked chasing after us during out little games," said Zoda with a grin.
"Understand this," said Roop. "That scag and his buddy, they're gonna pay."
"He is pissed," said Zoda shaking his head grinning larger than before.
"We're just lucky The Dark One is on vacation on Chandrilla or we'd have been caught by now," said Neva before he pulled out a scorecard.
"Let's see," he said as he tried to pilot the ship while maneuvering his pencil to make some marks on it. "I've got 30 strokes and you've got 32."
"Ah it was that stupid freighter that got in the way. This is what a Par 35?" Zoda asked as Neva put the scorecard away and did another barrel roll to spin between a pair of school transports.
"Yeah," said Neva as they pursued Zoda's and Neva's golf ball. A tour bus was about to merge lanes when suddenly the two golf balls rocketed past it causing the driver to panic and zoom back into the lane it had come from nearly smashing into a hoverlimo.
"Zoda I hate to bring this up," said Neva reluctantly. "But there's no point in denying the truth. I don't think we're going to get around to the second hole. I think it'd be a miracle if we even finish this one."
"Yeah you're right," said Zoda disappointed. "The Fuzz just keeps getting better and better at tracking us down during these games."
"Yeah, somehow we need to innovate as well as get a different change of scenery. While I do enjoy playing in the concrete jungle of Coruscant, after awhile if you've seen one block you've seen them all," said Zoda. Neva nodded.
"I'll think of something," he said as the vehicle continued roaring down the road following the two golf balls.
"You know I don't even think we'll have to hit them again," Neva decided.
"Yeah I think you're right," said Zoda as he consulted his chronometer. "And right on time too. He, he, he, he."
Ahead of them, the two golf balls proceeded straight towards a building with a massive square base and five very tall spires.
"They're gonna kill you, you know that right?" said Neva.
"Hey it's not my fault they got picked to be the hole," said Zoda. "It was pure luck."
"I thought Jedi didn't believe in luck," said Neva as he put the ship into a nose dive to avoid a large cruise liner.
"I never was a good Jedi," said Zoda with a grin. "But thanks to your new repulsorlifts inside of those balls, maybe it isn't luck but skill."
Zoda grinned wider and wider as the balls drew closer and closer to their target.
Jedi Council: "Any more business to conclude, do we before adjourning?" asked Master Yoda. The council all thought long and hard about any more business to conclude when Yoda's paper cup tore from his hand and moved towards the center of the floor and lay down. The Jedi looked at it quizzically before Yoda's eyes widened.
CCCCCCCRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHH!
Glass flew everywhere as the two golf balls smashed through the window and rolled along the floor and into the cup. The Jedi looked at it bewildered as Yoda's eyes took on an angry glare and lightning began crackling from his body. Outside the blue spacecraft roared by directly overhead and Yoda ran to the far end to watch the vehicle tear off into the sky. Yoda growled angrily as a much louder crash was heard and a Spinner plowed straight into the Council Chamber and slammed to a halt in a maelstrom of sparks, flames, and broken glass. One of the doors fell off as Roop emerged from the vehicle angrily with his blaster rifle. Before he could even get to the other side to aim the thing, the weapon tore from his grip to Yoda's hands. Yoda promptly aimed the thing on the vehicle and with uncanny accuracy fired the weapon. The bolt flew out and smashed into the departing ship, right in the power distribution node. The vehicle promptly began loosing power and slammed into one of the many roofs that adorned Coruscant as the two remaining Spinners closed in one it.
"I need a vacation," said Charlie as he emerged from the other side of the smashed vehicle and passed out on the floor.
"What was that all about?" asked Jedi Master Candeel as he whispered to Jedi Master Gonzo.
"Only one thing could get Master Yoda that upset, Zoda," said Gonzo.
"Ah," said Candeel immediately understanding. Yoda meanwhile picked up the two golf balls and crushed both of them in his hands angrily.
Rooftop: "Wipeout," said Zoda as he stumbled out of the crashed spaceship along with Neva Kee. Nearby the two Spinners landed and three cops got out and walked over to the two individuals.
"Hello again Zoda," said Jim Goose. "It's been…well not that long now that I think about it."
"Yeah, yeah," Zoda grumbled dusting himself off.
"Ambassador," said Goose to Neva Kee. "Sorry that this little miscreant hijacked your vessel for his own means. I guarantee that it won't happen again."
"So you've said the past three times this has happened," said Neva shaking his head with humility. Goose just said nothing but escorted Zoda who grumbled angrily at the unfairness of it all back to his squad car and then the two Spinners took off into the sky and roared off back to the Jedi Temple.
Fifteen Minutes Later: The turbolift doors opened and Goose and Zoda, shackled by binders, emerged from it and onto the council floor just as a hover tow truck was hauling away the remains of Big Bopper out the destroyed window. Inside the council chambers, it looked like a warzone with oil, pieces of metal and glass, and other objects lay around everywhere.
"I'm not going to say anything," said Goose as he unshackled Zoda and left the room. Zoda stood there in the middle of the council chambers facing Yoda.
"You should really clean up in here Unc," Zoda said. "You've really let this place go since I was last here."
Yoda growled angrily.
"Careful," Zoda warned with a grin. "Anger leads to hate and hate leads to suffering."
"AND SUFFER YOU SHALL!" shouted Yoda leaping straight at Zoda who leapt to the side.
"Sith! Sith!" he shouted. Some members of the council barely managed to restrain the Jedi Master as Zoda ran around the chamber.
"This is the eleventh time you've caused damage to this temple!" shouted Yoda.
"Oh is that all?" said Zoda.
"This week!" shouted Yoda.
"Yeah I'm no longer at the top of my game. I would've expected to at least have been 30 by this time," said Zoda. Yoda's ears looked like they were going to spout out steam.
"Hey you have nobody to blame but yourself. You said I was a lose cannon, so I couldn't leave Coruscant after that Barabel incident on Barabi I, six months ago. This is your fault not mine," Zoda protested.
"If hadn't performed those actions had you," began Yoda.
"Hey, you told me get that book back, I did!" shouted Zoda. "You never said how!"
"Regardless, perhaps you have been here too long," said Master Stbein.
"Then what're we going to do with him?" asked Candeel.
"I believe I may have a solution," said a voice. Everyone turned to see Neva Kee enter into the room.
"Ambassador, apologetic we are for his actions," said Yoda. Neva shrugged it off.
"What's done it done," he said. "At least there was no permanent damage this time. Look the reason I'm here is because I am going on a diplomatic journey to several planets and I am worried that there might be those out there who do not wish to see me on their planet for whatever reason. I need a Jedi to accompany me and since Master Zoda is the only one available at the moment, I request that he come with me."
"Are you sure that is wise?" asked Master Gonzo.
"Look, you need him off your hands and I need someone familiar with the underpinnings of society. As reluctantly as we both might be, the only individual whom you send in to deal with situations involving the dregs of society is Zoda," said Neva Kee. The Jedi reluctantly nodded their heads at that statement as many did not wish to deal with the darker elements of society except for Zoda who didn't seem to care. That was one of the reasons they had sent him, and him alone, on the Barabel mission to begin with.
"Very well," said Yoda finally. "If risk you are willing to take, accompany you, Zoda will."
"Come Jedi, we have work to do," said Neva leaving. Zoda saluted and left.
"I expect to be reimbursed for those golf balls," he said with a grin as he got in the turbolift before yelling and slamming the door shut as two golf ball sized indentations appeared on the door.
"You sure do pick your enemies well," said Neva.
"Ah he's too high strung anyway," said Zoda. "Thanks for busting me out."
"I kind of got you into that mess, it's only fair that I get you out of it," said Neva.
"Yeah and now I can go wherever I want," said Zoda with a grin.
"Not quite," said Neva. "I do need you to accompany me on my visits."
"Ah d-," began Zoda.
"But wait, there will be something enjoyable to accompany it," said Neva.
"What?" Zoda asked wondering how going to multiple planets on diplomatic missions could possibly be enjoyable. Neva produced a golf club handle and pressed a button on it causing the metal shaft to extend from it along with the wedge.
"Another round, already?" asked Zoda. As much as he enjoyed golf, he didn't enjoy getting busted for it time and time again.
"Not exactly," said Neva shaking his head. "I'm talking about a round of golf that will go down in history, an intergalactic golfing tour."
"So basically we golf a round on every planet we visit?" said Zoda. "No thanks, even that'd get boring after awhile."
"I'm not talking about going a round on every planet; I'm talking about one hole. One black hole, where the galaxy is our green fairway, the planets our aim, and the nebulas our sand traps," said Neva. Zoda's eyes widened at the possibilities.
"But how would we pull it off?" he asked. Neva produced two golf balls.
"I've been toying with the idea for the past few years that we've been playing and now I've finally made it a reality. These two balls are both equipped with their own hyperdrive system and capable of breaking any planetary gravitational field, are our weapons of choice. We hit them with regular clubs like before, and they simply calculate how the hit would work on a regular fairway and go straight towards whatever planet you hit it at," said Neva. He handed one to Zoda who looked at it impressed.
"Where do you get such wonderful toys?" Zoda asked. Neva Kee shrugged.
"I have my ways," he said simply.
"So where do we tee off, and where's our hole?" asked Zoda. Neva produced a map reader orb.
"I'll show you," he said. The turbolift clanged to a halt and both exited to the map reader room. Neva put the holographic orb down on the device and the map expanded showing planets everywhere.
"This is Coruscant and it's where we're teeing off from," said Neva pointing to the appropriate star system.
"Our hole, is the black hole at MR-319," said Neva. He held up his golf club to point at a black smudge in the galaxy.
"And here I thought a messy eater caused that," said Zoda with a grin.
"It is a messy eater, a black hole will eat anything and everything that approaches it and lets nothing go," said Neva. "And in a way this works to our advantage because if you were to miss it, your ball could conceivably go on for a long time before reaching a planetoid to stop its trajectory. The black hole will solve that because it can pull an object from hyperspace and funnel straight through the event horizon into oblivion."
"Not to shabby," said Zoda nodding. "But why not just try for the Maw near Kessel?"
"That's too easy," said Neva balking at the suggestion. "We're talking a par three at best. Besides, I have no desire to go to Kessel, negotiations simply do not take place there."
"Yeah," said Zoda agreeing with him. "Any planet shaped like a baked potato can only mean trouble."
"So let's go," said Neva.
"Now?" asked Zoda incredulously.
"Yes now, when else?" asked Neva. Neva handed him a single golf club handle.
"This will telescope out into whatever club you desire, just say what it is and it will become that," said Neva.
"Interesting," said Zoda. "Another piece of technology you can tell me zilch about where you got it?"
"Yeah," said Neva nodding he walked over to the lights and turning them back on.
"So where're we teeing off from on this planet and what planet're we aiming for?" asked Zoda.
"I figured we'd aim for the nearest planet of any interest, Chandrilla," said Neva Kee. "From there, we'll see but Alderaan is looking like the best choice."
"Ugh," said Zoda. "Two planets that are way too cheery for me."
"I'm sure you'll find the darkness hidden beneath both of them," said Neva. "You seem to have a knack for finding trouble."
"We'll see," said Zoda.
"So where do you want to tee off from, hopefully somewhere around the 32 parallel," said Neva Kee.
"I know the perfect place," said Zoda with an evil grin.
Junkyard: "Heh, heh, heh. Not a bad piece of work Roop," laughed Zoda. He was standing on top of Big Bopper that was completely in shambles amongst all the other pieces of wreckage strewn everywhere, many of them speeders that Zoda had either trashed or been an accessory to its destruction.
"And you want to tee off from here?" asked Neva Kee.
"Yeah, why not?" asked Zoda. "It's as good a place as any. Let me just take a practice swing first."
Zoda swung and took out one of the windows on the Spinner.
"Whoops, made a dent, now I'll have to finish off the whole thing!" shouted Zoda grinning like a madman. The long ear Jedi promptly when postal on the car and smashed in every window and dented every inch of it with his golf club.
"You finished?" asked Neva.
"Not quite," said Zoda. He thrust out his right arm and a lightsaber launched out of his sleeve and into his hand upon which he promptly scrawled his name on the side of the vehicle.
"Let's tee off shall we?" Zoda asked. Neva shrugged confused by the whole spectacle as Zoda leaped back on top of the vehicle and used the Force to drive the tee right through the metallic body of the car. Zoda placed the new golf ball on it and looked up into the late afternoon sky.
"How do I where I'm aiming this thing?" asked Zoda confused. Neva Kee produced two pairs of sunglasses.
"Complete with holographic imagers that displays approximately where Chandrilla is in the sky. Aim for the planet and let her rip," said Neva Kee.
"What if I miss?" said Zoda. "As in slice it?"
"The ball will simply calculate the planet closest to where it would've wound up on a regular golf course. So don't slice it," said Neva Kee.
"Alright, alright," said Zoda. He looked through the sunglasses, lifted them up, put them down, lifted them up again, and continued repeating the action.
"Will you just swing already?" demanded Neva Kee.
"Fine," Zoda huffed. After a couple more glances, he swung back on his club and connected with the ball, which promptly tore off into the sky at supersonic speed and within seconds was gone from sight.
"Wow," said Zoda as he tore off his sunglasses and looked at it wide-eyed.
"It's probably going to hit the stratosphere any second now," said Neva Kee. "Now move over it's my turn."
Zoda just shook his head incredulously as the blue ambassador got on top of the Spinner. He placed his tee down on the roof and looked at his target a few times before smashing his ball as well, which took off as well into the sky.
"Well let's go," said Neva Kee hopping off of the car.
"Yeah," said Zoda nodding as he squinted trying to spot the balls again, but they were long gone. The two exited the junkyard and towards Neva Kee's spaceship, simply a larger version of his future podracer, and it took off into the sky.
"Now listen," said Neva Kee. "When I'm conducting my negotiations, I don't need you to use your tried and true method of 'aggressive negotiations', that only enflames situations, it doesn't solve them."
"Depends on what your definition of 'solves' is," Zoda grumbled.
"Just whatever happens, whatever you're thinking, don't do it," said Neva Kee.
"Fine," said Zoda. "I'll be a good little Jedi who follows orders, and does what he's told, and is just a good person to be around."
"Shut up," said Neva Kee as Zoda began laughing.
"We both know that you're going to cause enough headaches for both of us," said Neva Kee.
"Probably," said the Jedi leaning back in his chair. Neva Kee just said nothing but pulled down on the hyperspace lever and the vessel roared off into the blue tunnel beyond.