Disclaimer: CSI does not belong to me.
Spoilers: Itsy bitsy teeny weeny ones for Season 5, and in fact, if you aren't me(which you aren't) you probably won't notice them at all. And a biggie for an upcoming S6 ep(don't know which one, but probably "A Bullet Runs Through It" not sure if it's pt 1 or 2 though).
A/N: This is set during S6, in fact, the whole story is based on a spoiler I heard for an upcoming eppy. Sara's POV. Snickers cuteness near the end, you have been warned.
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I'm running through the halls, running into oblivion. It's the story of my life. I have no direction, no idea where I'm going, and when I think I connect with someone, all of a sudden that connection is shattered. All I wanted was to talk to him, I walked into his office and there he was, sitting hugging HER. All I could think was that I needed to get out of there, quickly, before I did something I would regret.
I'm sitting in the break room, on the floor. My head hurts so much I can barely breathe, and I'm so angry I can't even cry. I mean, all that time, if he hadn't had feelings for me, he should have just told me so. I thought it was because he doesn't like "dating in the office", but now it's perfectly clear that he just didn't want to date ME.
Shit, I hear someone coming. I wipe the nonexistant tears from my eyes and push my hair behind my ears. I stand up and shake my head a little bit. It's not him coming in though... It's Warrick. He barely notices that I'm here, just mumbling a quick hello and grabbing a coffee before heading out again. I'm all alone... Alone with my thoughts, my anger. I have always hated when people lie to me. For whatever reason. And this one is especially hurtful.
Although I abandoned the crush on him a while ago, I still hate the fact that he didn't just tell me. As much at it would have hurt at the time, I would have felt a lot better knowing that he didn't see me that way, rather then spending all this time thinking about what might have been.
And when reality would slowly creep back around, I would be left feeling empty, destroyed, and totally worthless. All of that could have been avoided if he'd just had the stones to tell me the truth. I sit down in a chair, lean back, and think. I can remember what I was like, a little girl with a crush. I chased him for so long, and even though I've given up now, I always assumed it was over. My mind is reeling, but it's slowing down now. I'm still fuming, but I'm not going to let this get to me. If I do that, he'll win.
I sit here for what feels like an hour, I should be working. Sitting here like this just doesn't feel right. I lean over and put my head in my hands, I just need to be able to relax for a minute. I hear the door creak open again. I can't say I care who it is, so I ignore it. I don't look up, I just try to drown out all the noise. I hear a coffee cup being filled, then another. Hmm... Probably someone on a coffee run.
I hear a cup hit the table in front of me.
"Drink up Sara. You tired?"
It's Nick. I thought he was out on a case. I look up gratefully and try to smile.
"Yeah, a little bit. Thanks." I accept the cup and take a swig. It's so good, nice and hot, just the way I like it.
"No problem. I just got back from my crime scene. Took a few samples to the lab, now all I gotta do is wait. What about you? You were in tonight, right?"
He looks at me intently, his head tilted. It's kind of cute, actually. I can feel heat in my cheeks. God, I hope I'm not blushing.
"Uh-huh. My case from last week still hasn't wrapped, so I'm in a sea of evidence right now. I've got a few samples in the lab too." I smile apologetically, "so I guess yours might take awhile."
The corners of his mouth turn up a little. He pulls out a chair across from me and takes a seat.
"That's okay, I don't mind sitting here with you." He pauses for a minute, I wonder if I should say something. But then he interjects.
"Are you sure you're okay? Your eyes are a little bloodshot."
He takes a sip of coffee. I don't say anything, I don't know if I want to tell him. I mean, it's not as if it's anything that would interest him.
"Sara. Come on. You can tell me. Is it your case? I know it's stressful Sar', it is for all of us. I mean..."
I interrupt him.
"No... Just... No. It's not my case. I mean, the case is pretty bad. They always are, I mean, if they weren't, then... Sorry. I'm babbling. It's just that... I'm not having such a good day."
I bite my lip a little bit.
"I'm just a little annoyed at Grissom."
Well, it's true. I am annoyed with him.
"Sara, I've never known you to be 'just a little" anything." He says with a raised eyerow.
"Okay... More then just a little." I feel exposed, it just feels funny to be called on that.
He leans in a little.
"Sara, it's Grissom, he doesn't think like the rest of us, it's like his "what not to say and when not to say it" filter is missing."
"I know that." I don't mean to snap at him. "Sorry. He didn't say anything. It's complicated. I don't know if you'd understand."
He sits quietly, clearly choosing his next words.
"This isn't about that monster crush you've had on Grissom for just about, well, forever, is it?"
I turn and stare at him. I'm hoping my mouth has the dignity to stay closed.
"What?"
"Sorry, but, well... It's not like it isn't obvious that you've got it bad." Nick is beginning to look uncomfortable. I can tell that he wishes he hadn't brought it up.
"Yeah... I'll admit to that. I wish I could say I knew why. You know, I always thought he was exactly what I wanted. He was a lot like me, kept to himself, and he always stuck to his guns, you know?"
"Course he did..." He shakes his head a little. "Does. What are you saying Sar'?" he is obviously confused.
"Well. We've all noticed how he looks at her." I can't bring myself to say Sofia right now. "The way I always wanted him to look at me. He always told me that he didn't want a relationship at work." I'm feeling the anger rushing back to me. Nick notices.
"Look Sara. Grissom's married to his job. You know that. I know that, Hell, blind and deaf people know that. It's a pity that he didn't handle this better though. I mean, any other guy'd be falling over himself to have you."
"Yeah, we think he's married to his job. I was sure he was, until today! I went into his office to ask him about something, and he was sitting with his arms around her..."
"Her being..."
"Take a wild guess!" I snap at him, feeling instantly awful.
"Oh... It was Sofia huh?"
"Yep." I take a deep breath and lean back. I reach for my coffee and take a big gulp. God know I need it. "I mean, I would have understood if he had just not wanted to see anyone in the office, but now... Now I know he just didn't want to see me." I feel the rage rushing through me.
Nick grabs my hand and gives it a little squeeze. "Sar', he's stupid. I mean, sure, he's a genius, but he's stupid. He doesn't realise how amazing you are, and you know what? Some day he will, and he's gonna be kicking himself because he let you go."
I can feel the blood rushing to my cheeks. "Yeah, I guess you're right. About him being a genius... And about him being stupid. But I never asked him to lie to me. All he had to do was tell me the truth! " I grit my teeth, I can't believe how much this is getting to me.
"Sara, I know that this sucks right now, but it always does. Unrequited love's a bitch. Always will be. Trust me. I've experienced it, everyone has. I know how much it sucks to love someone and not have them love you back. But you know what? Someday, someone who deserves you is gonna come along, and you're gonna be happier then you ever dreamed. Grissom doesn't deserve you, Hank DEFINITELY didn't deserve you, and because of them, it'll feel even more special when that person who deserves you gets here."
I try to smile, but I can't make my lips stay. "But Nicky... How do I know it's the right person?"
Nick seems to notice. He smiles tenderly, "believe me, honey. You'll know." He lets go of my hand, stands up, and walks around so he's next to me. He pulls me out of my chair and hugs me. His grip is so tight that I lose my breath. He's warm... It's a great feeling. It's been a long time since I touched a warm body, I'm so used to the cold ones...
"You'll know." He repeats, his voice falters a little. It sounds like he's sad about something. I lift my arms and hug him back. I feel so secure, wrapped in his embrace.
"You'll feel like you can't live without them, you'll feel like you're floating on air whenever they're around. It's the most amazing feeling in the world. And... And you know what? They're gonna feel it back. And that's how you'll know for sure."
I let my arms fall, he's still hugging me, tightly. Like he's scared to let me go. No one's ever hugged me like that before. I stand still, and then I realise that his chest is heaving. He's starting to cry... I lift my arms and wrap them around his neck again, I run one hand through his hair. We stand there like that for a long time. It's strangely comforting though. Soon enough, he's not crying anymore. I let go once more and so does he, I grab his hands and raise them to my mouth, I give each one a gentle kiss and hold them to my chin. I look up into his eyes. They're bloodshot, and there are tear marks on his face, but he's smiling again. I love it when he smiles...
"Nicky... I just wish that I could believe you... I don't understand my feelings. How do I know when I feel it?" I ask, even though I'm pretty sure I know.
"It's a feeling that you won't be able to explain. But when you feel it, there's no mistaking it. And it's even better when they feel it back. I haven't had that joy in my life yet, but you will..." Nick's face shows very little emotion, for the first time, I'm finding it hard to read him.
I wish Nick would feel that way about me. I've wished it for a while now. Even when I still liked Grissom. Nick was always there for me. When I was sad, he would just sit and listen to my problems, he wouldn't say anything to try and fix them. He knew that the most he could do was listen. Even when I told Grissom about my family, he kept cutting in, trying to find a scientific explanation. Nick never did that. I can swear I'm getting vibes from him, but I'm scared to do anything.
He keeps speaking. "And, Sara? Promise me.. Promise me that when you find that guy, you'll make him realise how lucky he is. Every day. Make sure that he knows that he's the luckiest man in the world."
"Why?"
"Because he'll get to wake up next to you every day..." He tries to smile, but I can tell he's not gonna make it.
"Nicky..." I can't look him in the eye.
"No." He says sharply, interrupting me. "It's true."
I have to do it... So I lean toward him, shut my eyes, and give him a kiss on the cheek, right on top of one of the tear streaks. His face is hot to the touch.
"Thanks Nicky... That means a lot to me."
"S'ok. You're worth it. So promise me."
He looks at me, and I can see the question in his eyes.
"I promise. I promise to remind you. Every day."
I give his cheek another kiss on the cheek and hug him tightly. I can feel my eyes welling up with tears. I let go of him.
"We'd better get back to work..." I feel like I'm naked, but I'm glad I did it. I turn to leave. His voice calls me back.
"Sara?"
I turn around.
"Um... Yeah?"
He smiles, one of those genuine smiles that make my knees go weak.
"Breakfast after shift?"
I fight the growing grin.
"Count me in, cowboy. Oh, and Nicky?"
"Yeah Sar'?"
"Thanks. For listening."
"No Sara. Thank you."
We both turn and go out seperate ways.
But somehow, I know we'll be back together again before too long.
TBC
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A/N: R&R please? Should I continue this? If you review, it will rock my socks. Right into a box. So please do, that little button is calling you!