WHEN MUGGLES ATTACK!
By: distorted prep queen
First of all, I would like to take this moment to thank all the little people who have made the concept, which I later used to make this whacked up story of mine. I doubt any of you actually care as to whom exactly these people are, so I just want to thank them all once more and hope that you all enjoy this as much as I did not too long ago with the slight help of a Grande Mocha Frappucino with extra whipped cream and syrup.
By the way, I would also like to mention that these people who are the quoted "attackers" are people I actually know and their actions and personalities that I have used here are really they. So, yes, be very afraid that there are people out there as loony and cracked up as this still without any intake of sugar, chocolate, or weed.
Disclaimer: In my head, I am the queen of the world every Tuesdays and Thursdays, thus owning everything. And since it's a Wednesday, this obviously doesn't belong to me until tomorrow.
At only eight o'clock in the morning, everything in Hogwarts was already boring.
As usual, Neville Longbottom had just slid down the last flight of stairs and was currently looking for his toad- again, Hermione Granger was yet consumed by an extremely large and boring volume which hid a tinier book within titled: How To Nab Your Sexy Potions Master, The Matured Yet Irresistible DADA Professor, or when all else fails, The Misunderstood Evil Blonde Guy, Harry Potter was going off again with Ron Weasley talking about how it's so hard being the guy everybody loved and how he supposedly doesn't want all the attention, Colin Creevy still looking like paper and right about ready to faint from being only ten seats away from his idol, and of course, and of course, Filch and Mrs. Norris practically hopping their way towards their seats after a suspicious ten minute long stay in one of the broom closets.
Yep, it was just another normal day.
"-and they rely on me so much! I don't think I can stand the pressure anymore!" Harry paused suddenly before dramatically bringing down his fist hard upon the table. "Maybe I should run away, you know, get away from all this magic. Maybe just live on my own as a muggle, just like…like…A REAL LITTLE BOY WITH A WEIRD SCAR ON HIS FOREHEAD AND GOD ONLY KNOWS WHETHER THEY'RE GREEN OR BLUE EYES!"
"I think that's a BRILLIANT idea, Harry! Then we could go into forests and get into lots of other adventures that regular kids have before ending up in a bad crossover between a psychopathic Oliver Twist and the Lord of the Rings!"
"How about you, Hermione!"
'Step 1: Find interests of his that you find also parallel within yourselves and then strike a conversation that is both quick and concise with just enough to keep him waiting for the next. If there are none, then research on your subject more and choose precisely which of the following you have listed down you may possibly develop the quickest. (For a brief summary of paragraph please look below.)
Step 1: See what you both have in common and make that the topic of your regular flirting sessions. If you don't have anything you share, stalk him and learn whatever the hell it is you can within the next 24 hours
'Hmm...maybe I can use this-'
"Oh, what was that you said, Sev- I mean, Harry?"
"Oh nevermind!" And for the second time within fifteen minutes, Harry stood up once more with the back of his hand lain femininely over his forehead. "None of you people CARE about me! None of you care what HARRY wants! What about ME? What about MY needs!"
"HARRY! HARRY! HARRY! HARRY!"
"What is it, Colin? Can't you see I'm in the middle of a VERY important outburst about my feelings here!"
"Sorry, Harry, but being your delusional stalker and self proclaimed protector, I feel it is my duty to warn you and your undeserving friends here that Fred told George, who told Katie, who told Parvati, who Lavender, who told Draco, who told Cho, who told Seamus, who told me that there are a bunch of muggles invading the Great Hall right now."
And indeed, as the Golden Trio stood up and the invisible slow motion machine started to once more work it's unexplainable magic, they saw that several muggles right about their age seemed to be appearing out of thin air in the far corner of the large room.
Or maybe they were just coming in from the small broom closet they never really noticed before, which by chance, at the hours of eight o nine in the morning also becomes a portal from the muggle world inside Hogwarts.
"HOLY MERLIN,FATHER OF THE ARMAGEDDON SKY WITH STEPHEN TYLER FROM THE AEROSMITHS, WHO CONCEIVED MICHAEL JACKSON LAST NIGHT IN THE HERBOLOGY GREENHOUSE!
"Uh…?"
Dumbledore, aside from being shocked at how right Harry had just been right with everything he had screamed out three seconds ago, managed to get himself up from his seat on the teacher's table and made his way down to the girl who had just spoken, all the while managing a straight face even after getting a small slap on the bum by a certain McGonnagal.
"Do-you-under-stand-English?"
The twenty-six teens all looked at each other before staring up at the loony with shiny man robes in front of them. Again, the same girl spoke for the group.
"Yes-we-under-stand-English. Do-all-of-you-here-talk-like-this?"
"No, actually. But that's how Minerva and I like to talk to each other when it's late at night."
"Right, then."
All eyes seemed to be on the small group as an uncomfortable silence surrounded them all before another girl with glasses went towards the Headmaster. "So, aren't any of you guys gonna tell us where the hell we are, why we're here, you know, the basics. We can't just stay here with everyone looking at us, that was only supposed to be until ten minutes after our arrival."
"Er, right then. Does anybody here have the answers?"
"Dumbledore, sir, I have the answers!"
"Good then, Hagrid! Come over here if you please!"
"Wait, did you just call him Hagrid?" A boy, this time, asked amused.
"Of course, that is his name after all. Well, actually it's not really that but to make the pronunciation easier. You'd be surprised at how hard it is to say Ukrainian-Polish-Scandinavian names like his."
"You have got to be kidding." The boy abruptly shut his mouth as a strangely familiar half giant made his way towards the front, his trademark burly beard still untamed and his hair, uncombed. "Okay, so he wasn't kidding."
"But then, that would mean that…and you're Dumbledore?"
"Yes, well…"
"What do you think they're whispering about?" Pansy Parkinson asked as she leaned in closer over the table to try and listen in on the murmurs of the anonymous group.
"How should I know? And besides, why are you asking me that stupid question?"
"Draco, I am Pansy, you know."
"Oh yeah, right."
"So, do you all believe that they are actually Dumbledore and Hagrid?" The first girl, who had spoken, also known as Sam, asked her companions who were all huddled together.
"Well who else could they be?"
"I dunno, some delusional kidnappers who are out here to kill us all one by one just like in Scream."
"Of course not! It must really be them, I mean, those beards all look real!"
"Did anybody else smell something funky in that closet we just came in from? It's like someone just did something really inhumanly disgusting with a cat in here."
Suspiciously, as usual, Filch and Mrs. Norris began to back out of the room before seeking solace in the aforementioned closet for the fifth time that day.
"Yeah, well. If that's true then that would mean that-"
"NO WAY!" the girl with the distinctly short hair and a braided...er, hair tail thing exclaimed as the murmurings around her got louder.
"It can't be!"
"Of course it can, how likely is it that we go through a secret door hidden in some secret lair in our boring school and end up in some place like this!"
"So then, this must mean that-"
"YES!"
"And that-"
"YUP!"
"OH.MY.GOD."
"Er, Sam, Jessica, Keddy, can you three fill us in on what you're talking about?"
"Oh, sorry! Long story short, we went through some magical door that somehow led us to the Harry Potter world."
"Yeah! Kick ass!" Another girl looking lot like Cho's long lost twin- that she probably is in this story- exclaimed and began the overused slow clapping cliché.
"Samm, no one's following your slow clapping."
"Nevermind."
"Aww, that sucks!"
"Oh c'mon, Javy! It'll be cool! Plus, guys, since I guess it's breakfast here you can all EAT and maybe have some man to MAN TALK with the characters here. Doesn't that sound great!"
The trio smiled widely as many now began to nod approvingly before another raised his hand.
"Uh, can we rub it in their faces how we're real and they're not?"
"Er, well, I guess so, CJ. Just don't get yourself cursed or something."
"Can we flirt too?"
"Oh, most definitely!"
And soon enough, all were happy and ready as ever to get this show on the road.
"Er, Dumbledore, sir, we have decided that we might as well stay here for the time being while my companions and I will try to sort out a way for us to return back to our homes. But before that, we might just stay for a little bite to eat."
"Of course, of course. Everyone can stay here in Hogwarts and I wont even try to wonder how any of you got in here since I'm so wise, I probably already know the answer already. Now would you excuse me while Minnie and I go back upstairs. Oh, and do ignore any sounds that you might here. It's just us."
…Okay so I was wrong, today was definitely NOT going to be another normal day…
Okay, I don't really care for much now as to whether or not people will actually read or review this since this is all mostly just for the whacked up enjoyment of myself and my other Harry Potter fanatic friends who just want us included in any story. Well whoever the hell it is you are, stay tuned for the continuation of this messed up yet particularly long one shot.