Spoilers: for past events at the fake2ndchance-RPG on LJ
Characters: Diana, Dee (active parts), Berkeley, Ryo and Bikky and some OCs get mentioned (Berks quite a lot)
Disclaimer: Not mine, all Sanami Matoh's respectively the fake2ndchance-RPG's:)
Beta: firebreeze. Thanks for the wonderful job, sweetie!

Dedicated to: firebreeze and Diana's player on the RPG. :)

A/N: Firebreeze aka Harini sent this plot bunny/request/challenge/plea my way to write a drabble from Diana's POV – like "The Driver, the Kid and the second Dad" also referring to the events that happened on the FakeSecondChance-RPG on LJ back in October 2005.

Summary: Ryo had been shot and everyone was very worried over him for a while, especially Dee of course. Except for Diana, Mother and Bikky no one knows that Dee and Ryo are a couple. Diana's feelings for Berkeley Rose finally get to her after witnessing a tender moment between Dee and his wounded Ryo.

Insomnia

by DeeRyoFan

Diana's Point of View

It's past 2 a.m. in the morning, and here I am wide awake in my huge and – except for my own sexy self – empty bed. I visited Ryo at the hospital earlier today and upon entering his room caught Dee and him kissing. Well, not a real kiss, more like how Eskimos do: softly rubbing their noses against each other. I guess there are advantages in being as tall as Dee is. He could reach Ryo's face with his own and still remain sitting on that stool next to Ryo's bed, even with Ryo being on his back and propped up on a pile of pillows.

The "kissing" in itself is not exactly what has me so worked up that I can't sleep now – it was the look both of them had when Dee pulled away, opened his eyes, and smiled at Ryo. The elation, the happiness, the love on both their faces as they gazed at each other: that's what caught me off-guard and made a band tighten around something deep within my chest. It was like someone had lit up a warm, gentle glowing light within them. It was too sweet to describe it with words now and do it justice. All I can say is, that in that moment they were the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my entire life, it was almost something sacred I had been blessed to witness.

And now I can't sleep because this suffocating aching inside of me won't go away. I usually don't cry. I think it doesn't become me; I'm stronger than that. But I know that I will break down before this night is over. I don't think I'll get relief any other way tonight.

I know I want exactly what Dee and Ryo have. I want to have someone to look at me like that: I want to make someone as happy as that. And I also know exactly whom I want that someone to be. I have never lied to myself about my feelings for Berkeley Rose. Unfortunately, I also know that he doesn't feel the same for me.

I think I've been in love with Berks right from the first time he made me laugh. He's just like that. He seems to be serious and kind of stern, but in all truth, he is very witty, even can be goofy on occasion, and gentle – strong, yes, but gentle. And handsome. And intelligent. And cultured. And caring. And generous. And sexy. And so, so good in bed, God, he actually made me miaow once, he's that good. And did I mention handsome? I can't help it. I could go on endlessly about everything he is. But there are also some things that he isn't, and recently those things have started to outweigh everything else – at least for me. Not by quantity, but by quality.

The main and most important thing he isn't: in love with me.

I know he loves me; I'm probably his best friend. And we have sex, great sex and it doesn't harm our friendship the least bit. We've both always known what we were doing, we still do. It's not like he's a player who took advantage of me, the innocent country chick – far from it, we're both 'big city-folks' who probably have a more realistic approach to things like love and sex. We both like to have fun, and we've always known what to expect from each other: friends first, 'lovers' second. Nothing more, nothing less. I never really had a big problem with that despite my feelings for him. Until now.

I told him once that I loved him. I was a bit drunk that night; we had just gotten done having a round of wild, abandoned sex on my dinner table. It's been years ago. I don't think he took that declaration of my innermost feelings seriously. How could he? Even after that nothing changed in my attitude towards him. I never say anything -- well, maybe a sly remark here and there but nothing serious -- when he tells me about his latest conquests, be they man or woman. I never say anything when he starts rhapsodizing over Ryo. How strong Ryo is. How cultured and well-mannered Ryo is. How intelligent Ryo is. How gorgeous Ryo is. How everything Ryo is. The worst thing is: it's all true. I know Ryo. He's everything anyone could ever want in a man, in a partner. And Dee is one hell of a lucky man to have him. That's what I thought from the moment that Ryo told me he and Dee had finally sorted everything out: lucky Dee!

But after today, after seeing them like that, I also think: lucky Ryo. Dee reminds me of Berkeley in many ways. He may not be as cultured or eloquent as Berkeley, but Dee is witty, gentle, handsome, intelligent, caring, generous and sexy, too. And if that one kiss we shared was any indication of his prowess in bed, I have no doubt in my mind that Ryo is a very, very happy man indeed. Seeing Dee with Ryo like that today made me see things in Dee that I always wished to see in Berkeley, too: devotion, commitment, fidelity, and most of all boundless love. If Berkeley were to read this, he would doubtlessly point out to me that he has all of that, but that he has it for Ryo. That he loves Ryo.

I know he would be wrong. He's awfully smitten with Ryo, yes. He would like nothing more than to snatch him away from Dee and claim him as his. But after that? I know Berkeley. As soon as Ryo was his, he'd start noticing every little flaw Ryo might have. He would find Ryo's tenderheartedness for children and other people in need bothersome; he'd want Ryo's love all to himself and Ryo's caring nature would drive him nuts after awhile. He would also come to regard Bikky as a nuisance.

It's not the first time I have seen Berkeley being in love, after all.

And it has always been like this. Ryo wouldn't be any different, I'm sure. Berkeley is a hunter by nature, and he's used to getting whatever he wants. Always. Even I can't say no to him. So, Ryo is a challenge and it bothers Berkeley that he can't win him over, that he can't conquer him. But he doesn't really love Ryo. Not like Dee does.

All of this wouldn't be an issue, if it didn't hurt so much to see Berks yearning like that for someone else. Of course, I wouldn't want to be just another conquest to him, someone who'd get discarded after a few months of playing. Still, I can't help but wish that I was the one Berkeley was head over heels with. Maybe then I'd have a chance to show him what I have to offer him. Maybe then, he'd never want to let me go ever again.

Recently I'd started to feel like what I had to offer might not be good enough for Berkeley; that maybe I wasn't strong enough, or intelligent enough, or even beautiful enough. Funny, then, that it's Dee of all people now who's made me think that maybe it's just the other way around: maybe Berkeley isn't good enough for me.

When I visited Ryo, he became sleepy rather quickly after some quiet talking. Dee had left the room a few minutes prior, to have a smoke, grab a coffee, make some phone calls, et cetera. So, when I left Ryo to his well-deserved rest and after instructing the uniform outside his room to not let anyone get past that door even if his own life depended on it, I went to find Dee to say my goodbyes. He was on the small balcony outside the waiting room and had just ended a call and lit up a cigarette. He offered me one, (God only knows why; he knows I don't smoke, but I guess I must have looked as if I needed one), I accepted and let him light it up for me. I got a good look at his hands that way - and with a pang realized that even like this, he reminded me of Berkeley. They both have big hands, with thick veins visible on the back, but perfectly-shaped, trimmed nails. Strong and undeniably sexy hands: hands that any sane woman would want touching her all over. Again I had to swallow down a lump in my throat and felt incredibly silly for getting so worked up by a small thing like that. I'm usually not that easily unsettled.

Unfortunately, Dee must have noticed that I was somewhat preoccupied.

"Are you alright?" He asked, looking at me with those piercing green-grey eyes of his.

"Of course, I look alright, don't I?" I answered, smiling cheekily up at him, taking a deep drag of my cigarette. He just smiled and shook his head in mock bemusement.

"Ryo looks a lot better now." I told him, admittedly to change the subject and avert his attention to something, or rather someone else. Ryo was always a good bet for that with Dee.

"Yeah, thank God," he replied, his eyes automatically edging to the right, where he could see the row of windows, one of them belonging to Ryo's room.

There was a brief moment of comfortable silence, with two people simply sharing a smoke.

"I meant to thank you for getting Rose off my back on Monday. He was driving me nuts." Dee said around his cigarette after a while.

Upon hearing that name I could literally feel my face fall. I composed myself as fast as I could, but it must've been too slow for Dee. Even as tired and worn out as the man was, he was still perceptive as ever – like one of those high tech motion detectors we use at the FBI-archive. Annoying, really; he's too damn good of a detective to not notice.

"Hey, no problem. I thought you could use a quiet moment or two to yourself – and your family." I told him quickly, smiling inwardly at that completely love-struck expression that flickered across his features upon hearing me speak of Ryo and Bikky as his family.

He nodded and kept staring at me, while smoking his cigarette.

"Does he know?" He asked me after a while, stubbing out his cigarette on the balcony's wet railing. I had a pretty good idea what he meant, but I wasn't sure if I really wanted to truthfully answer that question.

"Does who know what?" I replied instead, feigning indifference, avoiding eye contact.

"Rose. Does he know how you feel about him?" He asked, and surprisingly he sounded genuinely interested, concerned even.

I shrugged, taking a final drag of my cigarette.

"I guess not."

"You never told him?"

"I did, but he probably didn't take me very seriously."

"And why is that?"

"I was a little drunk." I smiled sheepishly up at him. And he almost laughed at me.

"Ah. Well, I think he knows."

"Oh. What makes you say that?"

"More a hunch than anything else, really. I think he knows but wants to ignore it."

"And that's supposed to make me feel better?"

"No, no! Sorry, I didn't mean it like that, honestly."

Once more we fell into silence. I looked at him, how he stared off into space for a minute, seemingly thinking about something. And at that precise moment I wondered whether Dee might not have answers to the some of the questions that had been nagging me for quite some time. I mean, he and Berkeley were alike in many ways. So maybe he could tell me why Berkeley didn't return my feelings.

Taking a deep breath, I squared my shoulders, looked up at him until his gaze caught mine and asked: "Dee, at the risk of sounding silly here, may I ask you something?"

"Fire away."

"Do you think I have a chance at all?"

"You mean with Rose?"

"Yes."

"You mean having a chance for a serious, committed relationship with him? Or just getting laid?" He asked, leaning back against the wet railing, not caring that his blue jeans were getting soaked in a very odd spot.

"Uh, relationship. We have... I mean, we..." I stumbled over my own words (embarrassing). But that's Dee for you: frank and forward and throwing you off-track when you least expect it.

"Ah. I see. Friends with benefits, huh?" He winked at me, wolfish grin perfectly in place.

"You could say that, yes."

"Well, actually I do think you have a chance. I mean, you're sexy, intelligent. You have a gun. I always say: Never underestimate the appeal of an armed woman!" Here he chuckled at his own silly joke and I just had to laugh about his goofiness. "But, seriously, of course you have a chance. Hell, what guy in his right mind wouldn't want a woman like you at his side - except maybe a wimp who'd be afraid you could break his neck during a tumble in the sheets or eat him afterwards or something?"

I glared at him for that, but couldn't keep it up, because he had that funny sparkle in his eyes. (I'm sure he uses that a lot when he wants Ryo to forgive him for his misdeeds.)

"Well, for starters, there's you, that guy I met at the Guggenheim a month ago, not to mention my high school sweetheart David, oh, and Phil, whom I met at college..." I started listing off the many men who'd gotten (or would have gotten) me into their beds without letting me into their hearts (not that I seriously had been interested in any of them).

"Okay, okay, okay!" He held up his hands to halt the stream of names, shaking his head again. "Point taken, but you know what I mean. I'm just wondering... you know... Well. May I ask something in return?"

"Okay. But remember I'm a lady!" I retorted, mock-wagging my finger at him. He smiled.

"But of course, ma'am. So, here goes: do you still sleep with others apart from our dear commish?"

"Now, now. That's quite a personal question, detective." I raised an eyebrow at him. Where was he heading with this?

"Well, yeah, but you know... well, I know people say that Rose and I are very alike. And I still say all of you must have lost your minds, even just remotely thinking of comparing my irresistible self to that sly old dog, but, okay. So, let's say we're alike. You know, if I was him, and I knew that you were occasionally taking others to bed, well, I wouldn't feel very happy about it, to say the least."

"Oh… okay. So, let's say I do that. Let's say I sleep with other men. So does Berkeley. Literally. And he beds other women, too, so where's the difference?"

"Well, you said yourself that you never really told Berkeley how you feel. Knowing you, I bet you even make jokes about him seeing others, even though it makes you feel like shit. So he has no reason to believe that you're interested in a committed relationship – with him, or with anyone else for that matter, especially when you sleep with other guys. So, why should he risk falling in love with you, thinking that he'd get turned down by you for the sake of your freedom? Remember, you're some years younger than he is, too. So, does that make any sense?"

"Sadly enough, it does. And you're probably right."

"That shouldn't come as a surprise to you. I'm always right." He winked at me once again, making me shake my head in mock bemusement.

"You're impossible." I told him and poked him in his chest.

"Me? Never." He grinned.

"Always."

"Sometimes."

"Most of the times."

"Quite often, but not often enough to make it a foul character trait."

"Deal."

We both had to laugh at our silliness.

"So, your advice would be to quit playing around?" I asked, sounding like a schoolgirl even in my own ears and not caring one bit at that moment.

"Yeah. I don't know if I had fought and waited for Ryo the way I did if he had taken others to bed despite me being there for him, too. And I don't think he would've ever given me a chance if I had bedded anyone else. First you should tell Rose how you feel, and show him that you're sincere, that you don't want anyone else anymore. And if he's as intelligent as he wants us all to believe, well, he'll haul you to that church quicker than you can say Speedy Gonzalez. If he won't, well, then he's just an idiot who doesn't deserve better. His loss. Not yours – never yours."

After that, we talked a few minutes more until I noticed that he started to get a bit restless. I guessed he wanted to get back to Ryo, not trusting the uniform to keep his baby safe from any potential harm. So I let him off the hook.

And now here I am, wide awake at... 3:14 a.m., wondering if I should really do what Dee suggested. I don't mean quitting seeing other men, but telling Berks how I feel. Something's telling me that I'm not going to hear the answer I want, if I do tell him that I love him and want to be with him for the rest of my life.

Oh, and here come the tears...