TITLE: Distantly in Love
AUTHORS: Gillian Taylor(Dark Aegis) & NNWest
DISCLAIMER: Don't own them. We just like playing with them...a lot.
Chapter Twenty-two
Jack wasn't certain what to think. For those to be Rose's first words, could it mean that she remembered?
The Doctor swallowed noticeably at her words. He remembered all that had happened between himself and Rose while he had not known who he was. Judging by the expression on her face, he knew that she did as well. 'Damn the we don't do this,' he mentally repeated. If only he could. Forcing himself to respond, he asked, "Rose, are you alright?"
She wondered if he recalled everything that had happened between them, though judging from the Doctor's tone of voice she suspected he did not. Her heart twinged painfully at the thought. He didn't know. They were back to the 'we don't do this.' "I'm fine." She was anything but.
"Okay..." Jack looked at her suspiciously for a moment, but he decided to let the matter drop. He had a greater concern; he had to get to Emmy before the Time Agency. "We need to get to the Verata before the Agency."
"Right then. Jack, I'll need those coordinates. Rose?" The Doctor shared a pointed look with her. He knew that something was wrong, but she was not talking.
"I'm fine," she repeated firmly. "Go on." Rose waved them towards the door, struggling to maintain her composure.
The Doctor looked unconvinced. Sparing her one last concerned glance, he led Jack out of the room.
In the silence that the two men left in their wake, Rose looked at the door with a bleak expression. Finally giving into the urge, and with only the TARDIS as a witness, Rose bowed her head and began to cry.
After setting the coordinates Jack had given him, the Doctor disappeared from the console room. The journey to the Dinami homeworld was going to take twenty minutes and Jack assumed the Time Lord needed some time alone. The restoration of only two years had left Jack feeling disoriented. He couldn't imagine that the restoration of nine hundred years' worth of memories was exactly the sort of thing one could shake off in a moment.
Left alone and knowing he could do nothing more for his sister at that moment, Jack soon found his thoughts turning to Rose's earlier confession and her first words in the med bay. He could only assume that she remembered, that she still wanted more.
The question was - did the Doctor? Jack chewed on his lower lip as he began to pace. Without the burden of his past, the Doctor had been willing to pursue a deeper relationship with them. Weighed down by the entirety of nine centuries of memories and restraint, could that true of the current version of the Time Lord?
The Doctor could hide a great deal behind his blue eyes, though Jack could easily tell that he cared very much for both Rose and himself. However, there was no way of asking how the other man felt beyond a direct confrontation; a discussion that, he knew, would only cause the Time Lord to run.
He was startled out of his thoughts a few minutes later when the Doctor returned. Jack was grieved to note the reappearance of a dark jumper and the black leather jacket. He knew the Time Lord's formidable emotional armour was firmly back in place and Jack was uncertain how to relate to him once more. Part of him, he now recognised, had begun to mourn the loss of the emotionally open amnesiac.
The Doctor moved past Jack, sparing him a brief nod, to check the TARDIS' control panel. Satisfied that they would arrive on Verata without incident, he seemed to brace himself for the next words he uttered. "Jack, I'm sorry all of this has happened."
Jack shook his head. "Hey, Doc. Not your fault. I'm sick of everyone apologising when there's nothing they could have done."
"No, it is my fault. You were well off of the Time Agency's radar before I started asking questions," he confessed.
"Questions?" An understanding dawned in Jack's expression and quickly transmuted to a look of betrayal. "You don't trust me."
The Doctor's hearts ached at the pain written on Jack's face. Part of him longed to reach out to the man, to defy convention and his own reluctance, to gather the former Time Agent into his arms. He stepped forward. "Jack, it's not that. Never was that."
Jack slid away from him and the Doctor saw that his expressive blue eyes had turned cool and emotionless. He had only seen this side of Jack a few times since they'd met - the conman. He knew Jack's features could convey anything, but his eyes would not betray his true feelings.
Silently damning himself, the Doctor reached out for him, grasping his wrist. He couldn't let his companion, his friend, misunderstand him this way. He swore in Gallifreyan before continuing, begging, "Jack, don't." His grip tightened as Jack tried to pull away.
"Let go," Jack bit out through gritted teeth, the façade crumbling.
"No, not until you listen to me." Jack started to step back, trying to gain the leverage he needed to break loose of the Doctor's grip on his arm. He never got the chance to complete the motion. The Doctor grabbed his upper arm with his other hand and jerked him to a stop. "I just wanted you to be whole. I know what it's like to keep running from a past that you can't remember. I just wanted to help." That was invariably the case with the Doctor's life. He only wanted to help, but inevitably the people he cared about got hurt in the process.
Some of the tension drained out of him at the Doctor's words, but Jack remained silent.
The Doctor continued. "I didn't want to get your hopes up. I was trying to protect you from running into another dead end."
Before Jack could reply, the TARDIS' console emitted the high pitched whine that signified the start of its landing sequence. The two men's eyes slipped away from each other, and the Doctor released Jack's arms. "Well, looks like we're here."
Jack nodded. "Yeah."
The Doctor smiled faintly and turned towards the console, knowing that there was plenty that had been left unsaid. But, there were far pressing matters to attend to. He resolved that sometime, and soon, they would clear the air between them. It was the least that he could do after causing this mess in the first place.
He flipped a few switches on the console and his smile turned to a frown as he took note of the conditions outside. The current storm would pose a problem in locating Jack's sister. "It's not pleasant outside. Get Rose and stop by the wardrobe room. Dress warmly because there's a blizzard beyond those doors."
Without bothering to reply, Jack departed leaving the Doctor alone with his thoughts.
Chapter Twenty-three
Striding down the TARDIS corridor towards Rose's room, Jack tried unsuccessfully to avoid thinking about what had just happened between himself and the Doctor. He was upset with the Doctor, with himself. He wished he could forget the whole thing; there was no time to deal with it right now.
He'd almost succeeded in shoving away the turmoil in his mind by the time he reached Rose's door. Putting out a hand to knock, he caught sight of the angry red mark on his wrist that the Doctor's strong grip had left as Jack had struggled against it. He closed his eyes tightly for a moment, fighting back the looming storm of emotions that would drag him away from the more pressing matter - Emmy.
Letting out a deep breath, he knocked at the door. "Rose, it's me." Receiving no answer, he pushed the door open. The room was awash with all things Rose, yet it did not hold the young woman. He moved on to the wardrobe room. After pulling on a warm set of clothes, he found the outerwear he needed. He then went on to locate similar items for Rose. Now he only had to find the girl herself. Arms full of cold-weather gear, he started back to the last place he'd seen her.
Coming to the med bay door, he shouldered his way through. "Rose, we're here-" She turned her face away from him when he entered but not before he saw her tears. Dumping the armload of clothing on a chair, he hurried to where she sat on the exam table. "What's wrong?"
"Nothin'," she lied, her voice shaking perceptibly.
"Don't do that," Jack chastened gently as he put his hands on her shoulders. "Not to me. Do you remember what I told you earlier?" He suspected that she did. Her words after regaining her memories provided a partial confirmation and he knew the Doctor remembered at least part of what had happened; the Time Lord's apology and the fact that he had not questioned the need to get to the Dinami homeworld proved as much.
Lifting a hand to turn her face to him, he wiped her tear streaked cheek with his thumb. "I'm still here." 'And still in love with you,' he added silently.
Though she faced him, her brown eyes still did not meet his. "I do remember," Rose admitted softly. "An' I remember what happened between me and the Doctor, but I don't think he does." Her concern-filled gaze lifted to meet his at last.
"Give him some time. Things can't be easy for him right now. As hard as it was to get your memories back, it must be forty times worse for him." Suddenly, Jack felt his own heart beginning to soften for the Time Lord. It was true he had jumped to conclusions in the console room, but it still hurt that the Doctor had gone behind his back. It did not matter how good his intentions were.
Rose nodded her understanding and Jack sighed heavily, releasing her. "Unfortunately, life is getting in the way again," Jack said. He went to the chair and picked up the jumper and warm trousers he'd selected for her. Handing them to her, he said, "We need to go. Get changed, I'll wait outside."
As he turned towards the door, she reached out and caught his arm. "Jack, don't go." She didn't know why, but she really didn't want to be alone at the moment. He looked back briefly, a question in his eyes, before he shrugged and turned away to let her change. To break the silence that had settled, she asked, "So, what's your sister like? You've never mentioned her before."
There was a shade of regret in his voice when he replied. "I didn't remember her before the Agency unlocked my memory. I had to forget her completely to keep her safe from them."
The tone of those words caused Rose to cast a worried glance over the man; she could see his anxiety clearly written in his posture. He fell quiet for a moment before he straightened his shoulders and brought his head up. When he spoke next, Rose was gratified to hear the smile in his voice. "How to describe Emmy?" he asked himself aloud. "She's got a wicked sense of humour, quirky and sarcastic. God, I never know what she's going to say next. Too bright for her - or my - own good. You know, I got in more trouble because of her. Don't breathe a word of this to her, but she always was smarter than me. There were times when I was just in awe of how her mind works."
Rose raised an eyebrow at the admission. She had met very few people that she would say were more intelligent that Jack. "Dr. Emily Harkness," Jack was saying as Rose finished tugging her pullover into place.
"Done," she told him. "So, doctor of what?"
He turned as he answered as if by rote, "Anthropology, specialising in primitive tribal cultures of temperate to tropical climates. And more specifically, those of non-indigenous peoples."
She stopped pulling on a fur-lined boot and stared blankly at him for a second. "I have no idea what half of that meant."
He grinned. "Don't worry about it. The stuff's pretty dry and boring anyway." The grin faltered. "I just hope she's going to be alright."
Rose stood and closed the small space between them. "We'll find her in time. She'll be safe," she assured him, her arms encircling his waist as she clung fiercely to him for a moment. He held her to him just as tightly, taking the comfort she offered.
Before she released Jack, Rose kissed him, gently massaging his lips with hers. Though he responded readily, when they drew apart the questioning look he'd worn earlier had reappeared.
"We're doing this," she confirmed as she offered her hand to him. "Coming?"
When the TARDIS landing sequence began, the Doctor had once again performed a little 'Spock', scanning Verata for genetic patterns similar to Jack's before selecting a landing spot close to the best match. In the intervening time, he'd been trying to refine the search. Though he didn't much mind the cold, he knew his companions would greatly appreciate the shortest possible exposure to the wintry conditions outside. By the time Rose and Jack returned to the console room, he'd only been able to determine the general direction they needed to head.
He looked up at the soft sound of their approach, noting with a small measure of jealousy their intertwined hands. Immediately, he chided himself for feeling that way. He was the one holding out against them, doggedly trying to bury the love he felt for Rose, for Jack. If his companions found solace in each other, all the better.
"There you are," the Doctor said cheerily, concealing his true feelings. "All ready to play in the snow?"
Jack cast him a small smile laced with irony. Rose said nothing, instead busying herself with the heavy coat she carried.
It pained him that Rose would not meet his eye. By not acknowledging what had happened, he was just hurting her, but he knew he would only hurt her more by not being able to act on what was between them. He reflected that Jack had been absolutely right in his hesitancy to change their relationship before their memories were restored. The Doctor could easily recognise that part of him had wanted to remain without his memories, without his hurt, without his burden. Only in that state had he been able to give in, to acknowledge that he wanted to 'do this.' He had been able to give into the desire to have more. However, he knew that in doing so he had only hurt those that he cared about. The Time Lord had given into temptation without his memories, and now he had to live with the aftermath of those events. It seemed to be his fate in life to hurt his companions. He resolutely told himself to stop; this was not the time.
"Jack, hand us that wristcomputer of yours," the Doctor said, holding out his hand for the item. "The TARDIS sensors have located a genetic pattern similar enough to yours to be a blood relative. Let's hope it's your sister. I've landed us as near as I was able. Now it's a matter of searching."
The former Time Agent crossed the room to hand him the device. However, the Doctor noted that this time Jack stood apart from him rather than next to him. There was a distance between them that had never been there before, and he felt a pang of sadness at that realisation.
The Time Lord sighed as he accepted the wristcomm and deftly keyed in the commands that would find the genetic trace they hoped was Emily's. When he had finished, he handed the device back to Jack, and asked, "What does the Time Agency want?"
"I'm not sure. But I know Emmy's the link to it."
The Doctor was reassured that Jack would meet his eyes. Though there was still some aloofness there, he knew they would eventually be okay.
"Right then. Shall we go?" Rose asked before the two men could get into a long discussion. She felt as if her heart was broken, but she resolutely told herself that this was not the time to indulge in a sulk. The Doctor and Jack needed her to be strong; they needed her to carry on without allowing her emotions to have dominance. She loved Jack. Part of her was thrilled to know that he shared her love, though at this moment she knew that his sister's safety outweighed all other concerns. She loved the Doctor, but she suspected that she would need to console herself that she and Jack would only be able to love him from afar. Even so, she still could not look him in the eye.
Nodding, the Doctor led the way to the exit. The door squeaked as it swung open to reveal a world blanketed in white outside. He squinted against the storm-dimmed light that reflected against the already fallen powder. Whistling 'Walking in a Winter Wonderland,' the Time Lord stepped into the swirling snow.
Chapter Twenty-four
Rose cast a worried eye behind them as the comforting shape of the blue box that was their home disappeared in the swirling white powder. Her footprints were already fading in the storm swept drifts, and she hoped that they would be able to find the TARDIS again despite the blizzard. She knew that she would be hopelessly lost were it not for the Doctor and Jack.
Her stomach grumbled noisily as they trudged through the snow, and she silently cursed herself for not grabbing a snack from the TARDIS' kitchens before they had left. Rose struggled to keep up with the longer strides of the two men. "Oi! Would you two slow down a little? Some of us can't walk that fast."
The Doctor immediately turned towards her, his expression lost in the white washed wind. "You okay?"
"What do you think? I'm walking through snow drifts that are over my knees, I'm freezing, and I haven't eaten anything since yesterday. Of course I'm not okay."
The Time Lord reached into his pocket, holding out a slightly squished banana. "Here you are. Always like to keep one handy," he explained as he fixed her with a daft smile. "Never know when you'll need a handy source of potassium."
Unnoticed by the Doctor, Jack circumspectly made certain his blaster was still in his holster.
Rose looked at him in shock and accepted the food with a skeptical look on her face. The stem was still slightly green, but she could not fathom why he would keep a piece of fruit in his jacket pocket. Then again, she couldn't understand why - or how - he could keep some of the items he had in there. The last time she had asked he had gotten rather evasive. "Um, thanks?"
She peeled the fruit as carefully as she could given the heavy mittens that covered her fingers. Disregarding any sense of decorum, she devoured the banana.
"Looks like we're getting close," Jack said after glancing at his wristcomm. "The signal's a little distorted and no one in their right mind would be out in this weather, so I suspect there might be a cave system ahead."
"Wonder what that says about us? Hope it'll be warm there," Rose commented to no one in particular. Neither of the two men replied.
The fire cast dancing shadows on the cavern walls, highlighting the pictographs of tribesmen hunting various beasts. Emily cradled the earthenware mug in her hands, seeking to absorb as much warmth as possible from the soup given the rapidly dropping temperatures outside. One of the Dinami, Taern, was sprawled across from her, noisily sipping his soup. Janalas kept watch at the cave's entrance, some distance away.
Suddenly, Janalas' voice carried across the cave to them. "Three travellers approach."
Emily looked up from her drink, a frown playing across her face. "Gaelan said that trouble would follow on the tail of three."
Standing from his place by the fire, the elder tribesman said, "Denela, we will see what these want." He pointed her away from the cave's mouth. "Hide yourself. There is another way out. Use it if you must."
She nodded and gathered her pack and the outerwear she had shed in the relative warmth of the cave. Emily slipped away from the small campfire and into the shadows at the back of the cave. She waited in the darkness, straining her senses to hear the small sounds made by the Dinami men as they waited restlessly by the entrance. Seconds stretched into eternity though it could only have been a minute or two before she heard the unfamiliar voice. "Hello," it said brightly in what Emily placed as a British accent. "We're looking for a woman, an off-worlder."
Taern's gruff voice replied, "There are no others."
"You sure 'bout that?" the Briton asked, unconvinced.
"Look," a new voice cut in impatiently, "the scan says there's someone else here..." She instantly recognised her brother's familiar tenor.
"Johnny!" she cried, leaping away from her cover to sprint towards the entrance.
"Emmy?" Jack was incredulous as he pushed past the Dinami warriors. He could clearly see Emily's familiar features in the firelight, her dark hair billowing behind her as she raced towards him. The ex-Time Agent held open his arms to catch his twin in his embrace.
Simultaneously, through laughter and tears, they spoke, "You know I hate that name."
Janalas and Taern shook their heads at the reunion and the impetuousness of their charge.
The Time Lord stepped forward and held out his hand to the tribesmen. "Hello, I'm the Doctor, this is Rose Tyler, and the man who currently has your friend in his embrace is Jack Harkness."
Taern looked critically at the hand, but with a shrug took it within his own. Emily had taught him the meaning of that gesture sometime earlier. "I am Taern of the Dinami tribe. My clansman is Janalas. We are Denela's guardians, sent to ensure that she reaches the city in safety."
Emily interrupted any response that the Doctor could make as she quizzed her brother. "What are you doing here? Why do you remember me? And how the hell did you find me?" The anthropologist had pulled away from the hug just enough to look at Jack's expression as she asked her questions.
"You're in danger, Em. The Time Agency is on its way. We're gettin' you out of here before they find you."
"Who's we?" she asked, finally registering that her brother was not alone.
"Why do you silly apes need two introductions?" He winced as Rose smacked his shoulder, but he was relieved that she seemed to have recovered from at least part of her earlier despondency.
Rose smiled. "I'm Rose Tyler, that's the Doctor. Don't mind him, he's an acquired taste."
"Oi!" the Doctor protested. "A little respect?"
"Yeah, and that means what to me?" Emily asked, making mental note of the byplay between them.
"They're my friends. And the Doc's our ride outta here," Jack explained.
She was rather interested to note the particular emphasis her twin had placed on the word 'friends.' "Oh. Okay. Hi, I'm Emily."
Rose smirked. "I think we got that."
"We gotta go, Em. And we gotta go now," Jack insisted. "I don't know how far behind us the Agency is."
She nodded. "Just a sec." Emily darted to the back of the cave, gathering her discarded cold weather gear and her pack before returning to the others. She pulled out the food supplies that had been buried in her rucksack and offered them to the Dinami. "Taern, Janalas, let Gaelan know that I found my brother and that I'm safe. I don't know if I'll be able to return, but thank you." She donned the anorak and her gloves as she spoke.
"Denela," Taern said as he smiled, "it was our honour to escort you." Placing a hand on the dark haired woman's shoulder, he murmured a traditional wayfarers blessing in the Dinami language.
Echoing the blessing, the anthropologist saluted the two warriors and turned towards her brother. "What are you waiting for? I thought you said we needed to go now."
Rose nodded. "Good idea, it's warm back in the TARDIS." However, she did not look forward to the walk back to the time machine.
Emily looked at the Doctor, finally recognising that he was not dressed for the weather. "You're going out there like that?"
The Time Lord shrugged. "I got here like this."
"But, won't you get cold?" She was rather perplexed by Jack's friend.
"Nah, wonders of a bi-vascular system. I'm comfortable." He began to whistle a jaunty 'Let it Snow' as he led the way out of the cave.
Jack and Emily struggled to converse through the strong winds, their shapes veiled by the blowing snow. The Doctor dropped back to join Rose as they forced their way through the heavy drifts, shooting concerned looks at her as they walked. He wished he knew how to fix the distance between them. He wished he could give into the desires of his hearts to have more.
She glanced at him through the storm, the swirling flakes obscured some of his face but she could see the expression in his eyes. Hidden behind concern and worry, behind the layers of guilt that he carried on his soul, she could see love. He still cared for her.
She reached out and grabbed his hand, wishing that she could feel his fingers through the thick wool. Giving the hand a slight squeeze, she caught the smile that he gave her. It was going to be okay.
The familiar blue box stood out in stark contrast to the bleak white landscape around it, and the Doctor and Rose picked up their pace to reach the TARDIS.