Severus entered his fourth year at Hogwarts feeling as close to Lily as their first year at the school together. His only grievance (besides Potter and his friends) was the constant whispering that now followed him in the halls.
The story had spread at last of the disappearance of one Eileen Snape after her husband's murder. And while the Muggle police scratched their heads, the wizarding community was out for Eileen's blood. Few people knew how absusive her husband had been, and even still, the fact that she'd murdered a Muggle almost put her in direct cahoots with Voldemort himself. It was highly suspected that Eileen Snape was a Death Eater.
Severus, contrary to anyone else who would have been in his position, was most keen to spread the lie.
"That's right -- she is a Death Eater!" he would spit at a group of whispering students as he passed, who would gasp and stare after him in perfect shock before whispering even more furiously with their heads together.
With Severus's help, the lie had spread so widely that he was called to the headmaster's office on several occasions. Each time, however, Severus ignored Dumbledore's beckonings and went on with his lessons, his fueds with Potter, and his sulking. When this behavior continued it wasn't long before the headmaster had cornered him in a corridor.
"It isn't safe," the headmaster told him sternly, "both for your mother or for yourself, to spread such lies, Severus. Now -- " Dumbledore paused and contiuned on more kindly, "I know this is an ordeal for you, everything that's happened, but if you ever need anything -- anything at all -- you know you can come to me."
Severus stared at the headmaster coldly, then lowered his eyes. "Yes, sir," he murmured.
"Severus."
Severus looked up. The headmaster was twinkling down on him but also frowned slightly with concern. Dumbledore placed his hand on his shoulder, seeming well aware of Severus's distaste for the gesture.
"I'm here," he said, shaking Severus slightly. He shook his head and smiled, "You aren't alone."
"Yes, sir," Severus repeated again, though less coldly.
"He's right, you know," Lily told Severus with a sniff.
They were standing on the balacony of the Owlery tower. Lily had just sent a birthday present to her mother, and Severus was jinxing a Fanged Frisbee to bite someone's head off. He jabbed his wand at it, his pale face shinning with evil delight.
"And I hope that's not for Potter," she added, eying the Fanged Frisbee out of the corner of her eye reprovingly.
"He would just as quickly do it to me," Severus snapped.
"It doesn't mean you have to -- "
"And, besides, I'll need the protection since I'm going to be living at an orphanage."
Lily looked around at him in surprise.
"That's what I said," Severus told her in a low voice, his back to her, as if he could see her out of the back of his head.
"Severus . . . I'm sorry to hear . . ."
"Of course you are," Severus said, his lip curling. He moved away before Lily could come to him and touch his shoulder. He hated being touched, even by his own mother these days.
A part of Severus was bitterly resenting Eileen for the whole mess. It was her fault, after all, for staying with Tobias, her fault for marrying him, her fault for killing him. He shouldn't have to suffer for her mistakes. But he was suffering. Everyday.
When Dumbledore had told Severus about having to stay in an orphange, Severus had run from the headmaster to the library, where he'd rounded on his mother.
Eileen was looking very different these days. Lugging around books seemed to have bent her back, and she now had a new wheeze that made her hooked nose quiver. For her own protection, she even whore a stringy, black wig curled tight around her head in a ragged bun and a different pair of thick, black glasses. Her new get-up seemed to have aged her about twenty wizarding years.
Eileen looked startled. She was balancing on a step-stool as she attempted to tip a book onto its rather high place on a shelf. She stopped mid-reach, balancing on one stockinged leg, at the white look of rage on her son's face.
"Severus?" she cried in alarm, lowering the book. "What is it?"
"It's you, Mother!" he said hotly, discarding the affectionate 'Mum' of before. "How could you send me -- don't you care about me!"
"Of course I care about you!" Eileen cried, cottoning on. "We can't talk about this here!" she hissed, taking her son's elbow firmly and steering him into her office.
They had barely gotten inside when Severus shook her off, looking pale and wild.
"I won't go to an orphanage!" he'd yelled at her. "I won't!"
"Severus!" Eileen cried angrily, tears standing in her eyes. "Hush!"
"Why can't I stay here?" the boy had demanded. "Why can't I stay at Hogwarts over the summ -- "
"Because it would look suspicous!"
"I hate you!" Severus cried. "How can you just cast me away!"
"Severus, please," answered his mother, her long pale face twisted in her distress. "Please . . . please . . ." she moaned as Severus continued his tirade, and began to sink to her knees on the floor. For Eileen, it was like being yelled at by her husband all over again; it was like Tobais had resurrected.
" . . . nothing to you, am I?" Severus was shouting, towering over his mother, his fists clenched. "Well, you're nothing to me! Nothing! Noth -- "
A loud slap rang through the tiny, stuffy office, and Severus froze as the blood rushed over his stung cheek. Eileen had hit him. She'd never hit him like that in his life. She had risen on her knees and was glaring at him. He realized suddenly that she was seeing Tobias, not her son. Then the realization sunk into her as well, and she began to sob afresh, reaching out to hold her son.
"Oh, Severus . . . I'm sorry, sweetheart. . . . so sorry . . ."
Severus had backed out of her reach, shaking with fury, breathing hard, and had shouted breathlessly, "I hate you and I never want to see you again!" before running from the library.
"Severus?"
Lily's voice shook Severus out of his miserable revery. He looked around. Lily was standing helplessly with her hands at her sides. He was beginning to realize that everytime she did this, she was wanting to hug him.
"Well, everyone's sorry, aren't they?" he snapped at her. "You, Dumbledore, all the miserable teachers, that Slughorn . . . They all think my mum's run off and left me. She as good as."
"Don't say that! She's doing what she can -- "
"Listen to you," Severus cut across her in digust. He whirled around. "You sound just like her. 'I'm doing my best, I care about you!'" He regarded Lily a long time malicously, then jabbed his wand at the Fanged Frisbee to keep it from snapping off her foot at the ankle.
"And you don't have any family?" Lily asked, disregarding Severus's increasingly bad temper. She stepped out of reach of the Fanged Frisbee and jabbed her own wand at it; its jaws became glued together.
"Hey!" Severus cried angrily.
"Answer me!"
"Of course, I don't have any relatives!" Severus snapped, wrenching the Fanged Frisbee from the ground. "What's it to you, anyway? You don't really care. You're just like all the others."
"You know that's not true!" Lily cried, "You're just trying to push me away again! Severus," she went to him quickly, her red hair fanning out behind her, snatched the Fanged Frisbee from him, and tossed it from the tower. Then she grabbed his cold, pale hands before he could move. "How long have we known each other?"
"Since before school, you know that," Severus replied indifferently.
"And how long have you had feelings for me?"
Severus froze. Since the summer before when he had stayed at her house, Lily had been becoming increasingly -- strange. She was holding his hand as often as she could, kissing his cheek when he said something particularily funny, and sometimes he caught her staring at him with sparkling green eyes. Could it be . . . ? But, no, he must be mad to ever think . . . Surely, she couldn't like . . . ?
"Never," Severus lied.
Lily wasn't fooled. She lifted her chin, "What are you afraid of? None of the other boys have hesitated to ask me out."
"I'm not one of the other boys," Severus answered coldly, shaking her fingers off. He stepped back and folded his arms, regarding her with a malice that would have frightened a girl far more brave than Lily.
"No," she answered just as coldly, "you never have been."
They regarded each other, Lily with her chin lifted and her mouth hard, Severus with his arms folded and his eyes glittering at her steadily.
"Were you always so cold?" she said at last.
"Always," he answered solemnly. His lip curled, "Were you always so obtusely optimistic?"
"Only with you," Lily answered, smiling. "I've waited for you a long time, Severus," she said with a reminisent mixture of fondness and sorrow. "I thought maybe . . . sometimes you would look at me in a way, and I had hope."
Inside, Severus stirred guiltily, but his face remained impassive as he asked her, "Why? Why do you like me?"
It was like they were ten again.
Lily fumbled in her pocket and pulled out her fist. Severus knew before she opened it that she was holding a red M&M.
"You're pathetic," he said, trying his best to keep from laughing, but a mean smile took over his features nonetheless.
Lily smiled sadly, "I know. But there's a sweet side to you, Severus. You may get irritatingly -- well, nasty --but you're smart and brave and -- and you've always been a good friend. You make an effort, even if you try to hide it."
"You amaze me," Severus said in spite of himself.
"Why?" Lily asked with round eyes.
"Your father is a very nice bloke," Severus said, "But you fall for the most extraordinary fellows. Potter, for instance -- " he said with a sneer, ignoring Lily's flushing face, "And while I'm not an idiot like Potter, I'm still . . . well -- "
"Nasty," Lily said again, crinkling her nose as she thought of all of Severus's Dark Arts books. "If you won't go out with me, Severus, that's fine," she said, making at effort to compose herself as she repocketed the red bit of candy. "But don't bring Potter into this."
Severus said nothing but continued to regard her with cold, glittering eyes. When he continued on in silence, she turned and stormed toward the stairs, but stopped and looked back with a toss of her red hair, and cried,
"And don't expect me not to go out with anyone because you won't date me!"