Hermione had never felt so alone in her entire life.
She had barely talked to anyone since the night that she had seen the letter from Cristina Brown. When she had first found herself caught in the past, the only connection with anyone she had made had been with Snape, and now that connection was gone. Hermione tried to tell herself it didn't bother her that much, that it was just a stupid crush. She fell into her studies more than she ever had, tending to stick to her dormitory and the library.
In fact, thats where she was now. Leaned over a heavy volume that smelled of dust and moth eggs, eyes squinted to try and decipher the tiny font that was printed on the yellowing pages. She had long since stopped reading, though, and let her mind wander off to the abrupt ending of the first 'relationship' she had had with a boy.
But could she even think of him as a boy? Every time she tired to imagine them together again, all she found was the sneering, cruel face of her Potions professor. She leaned back in her chair, staring gloomily at the table in front of her. When had she gotten to this point? Where she cared about him so deeply? It had only taken two months until he had given her the locket – the one that still hung around her neck. She had thought it was too soon then, and now that she thought back on it, it was very un-snape-like. A few nights of pondering it, and it hit her like a brick.
He had been trying to get away from marriage to Cristina. By confessing love and marriage by the end of his school, to another Slytherin – for that was what she was now – It would be enough to nullify the contract.
She had promised herself to stop thinking about it, but it seemed the only way to accomplish that was to work so hard that by the time she fell asleep, she was too tired for dreams. Too tired to see his dark eyes burning behind her eyelids. She had never thought love could be so consuming, and she damned it.
Forcing her thoughts away from the ones that so inevitably brought regret and anger to her eyes in the form of tears, she bent over the book again, her quill scratching insistently on her parchment. As concentrated on her work as she was, she didn't notice the form sit across from her. When it cleared its throat and her head shot up, she found herself wondering just how long he had been there.
Angry, cold eyes were staring at her, and it sent a shiver down her spine as she remembered a similar look on the face of Draco Malfoy the day he had spitefully informed her of just what he was going to do to get back at the 'golden three.' The day had ended with the two of them in the hospital wing.
"Yes, Ron?" She asked, carefully keeping her voice neutral.
"It wasn't worth it, was it?" His voice was cruel, and Hermione frowned as she looked at him.
"What are you talking about?"
"Snape. He wasn't worth it." He smirked, and Hermione shook her head slightly at just how much he was reminding her of the vengeful Slytherin from their future. "He just got his good shag outta you and abandoned you. I tried to warn you. Wish you listened now, don't you?"
Hermione felt the anger rising in her like a volcano, her face flushing red. "You don't know what happened."
"Its pretty damn obvious, isn't it?"
"No, its not! And for your information, Ronald, I did not shag him!" She spat out, resisting the urge to hex the boy in front of her to next week. She sprung to her feet, the chair she was on scraping loudly backwards. "He was a friend to me, and he helped me out where other's were too busy looking down their noses to!" She slammed the book closed, lifting it into her arms, along with her paper and quill. "And he was a much better friend to me than you ever were!"
She knew she had gone too far from the red that was tinging his ears, and how he stood up, his height towering over her.
"You ungrateful wretch! I come back here to tell you that even though you were an idiot, I'd talk to you again, and you say that?"
Hermione let out a dry laugh. "Oh, yes, great one, because I want your permission to talk to you so much! I'm SO glad that you find me worthy, great god!" She gave him a mock half bow, stepping sideways to go past him, but he side-stepped as well, blocking her path.
"Don't you dare talk to me that way!"
"I'll talk to you whatever way I want! Now move!"
He stayed where he was, glaring down at her. She didn't let her gaze break away from his, fire burning in her eyes.
"I can't believe I ever considered you a friend." She felt tears gathering in her eyes at the confession, but that was the only outward sign of her pain. She walked forward confidently then, shouldering him out of the way as she strode towards the entrance of the library.
She didn't hear any steps behind her, and she was glad for that. She didn't think she'd be able to make it much longer without cursing the boy she once called a best friend.
Her mind wandered back to all of their fights, every time they had avoided and glared at each other, and didn't remember ever feeling this empty inside.
She was outside now, standing in front of the lake. It was a chilly day, being mid-February, and the wind was blowing, sending her hair into spirals around her face. Droplets of water mingled with the tears on her face, the lake's spray cooling to her flushed cheeks.
She remembered all the times that Snape had tried to talk to her, all the times she had pushed him away, ignored him. She could have talked to him, could have just been his friend. But even being in the same classroom with him was painful, and so she had locked herself away. Now she didn't have anyone.
She had never really thought about how lucky she was to have the friends she had, always taking for granted that they would always be there for her, that she would always have them.
Now she didn't even have Ron, the boy she had crushed over for 4 long years, the one that she had thought would forever be inseparable from her. Him and Harry, she always imagined having them.
How long would it take for Ron to convince Harry not to talk to her, she wondered? In the end, Harry was always on Ron's side, and she couldn't see it being any different now. Would Ginny shun her as well? She was sure as soon as they got wind of just who she had been with, everyone would hate her.
She sat down against the rocks, fiddling with a small, smooth stone. Which would be better? Here, where it was as if she didn't even exist, where she was practically an exile from everyone? Or back in her own time, where everyone was sure to hate her? Even Snape...Especially Snape. Dread filled through her at that thought. He would be angry, she had most definitely become a memorable part of the past. What if her and Ron had already ruined everything in the future as it were?
Glaring down at the stone in her hands as if it was all its fault, she brought her arm back, hurling it into the dark waters. It didn't even make a noise into the silent night.
She let out a long suffering sigh, burying her head in her knees.
A crack of a stick brought her head flying upwards, her eyes scanning the dark. A few feet away, she saw a large, black dog. She stared at it for a few moments, and it sat down, just looking at her. A glance to the moon answered why he was there, and why Ron had been alone in the library, instead of hanging off of the Marauders like he had been doing. Looking back down at Sirius, she saw a long gash along his upper leg, and sighed once more.
There was a curious look in his eyes, and she was sure he didn't know she knew. Perhaps he was wondering why she had had such a reaction to him the first time she saw him in this form. One thing she was positive on, however, was that he was sure she didn't know it was him.
She turned back to the lake, staring at the ripples for a long time.
"I just wanted... For someone to be able to know me for me...y'know? Not use me because I'm the only available girl, or because it will get them out of doing something they don't want to... Just me." She whispered out into the night, knowing Sirius was listening. She let out a soft chuckle. "I guess its too hard to ask for. I get put into a house that I never belonged in...Tried to fit into a life I never should have been in..." She glanced over at him, finding he hadn't moved. "And now I'm sitting here talking to a dog." She uncurled herself from the rock, walking over. She knelt down next to him, her eyes on the cut on his leg. "Now what did you do there, huh?"
As she healed the wound, she found a strange filling sensation at treating him as a dog. Acting like she didn't know, just being able to pet him and have the company of someone, anyone, who couldn't contradict her. Had he been in his human form, he would have snubbed her, probably thrown a few threats and jeers. But here, all he could do was act like a normal, loving dog. If he acted any differently, he risked giving himself away, and she used that to her advantage.
Maybe it was pathetic, but as she let her hands run through the thick black fur, she found herself uncaring. Just this night. Just this once, she would let herself trick another for her comfort.
The idea was surprisingly depressing, and she reached out, hugging the animal in front of her.
"Who have I become?" She asked, her voice muffled by his fur. She was surprised to feel his chin against her shoulder, pulling her closer to him. The hug, the comfort, made her smile, and she reluctantly let go, wiping at her eyes.
"You know, I'd almost say that you understand me." She said softly, looking at him with glittering eyes. He just cocked his head, blinking. She laughed a little, patting his head.
"Thank you. I think I needed that."
She stood up then, brushing her skirt off and smoothing her hair down into a ponytail at the base of her neck to keep the wind's prying fingers from grabbing it again. She smiled down at the dog before her once more, ruffling the top of his head. "Try not to get hurt again, huh, Snuffles?"
She turned on her heel then, making her way back to the castle. It was far past curfew by now, and her body was tired and achy from crying.
Lavender shot up from bed for what seemed the thousandth time, covered in a cold sweat. She had become accustomed to the images she had constantly seen in her sleep, though no matter how used to them she was, it would never get any less disconcerting.
The visions were so real, so life-like, it was as if she were viewing memories, not some twisted prophecy induced scenes. She threw the covers off, silently making her way to the bathroom, leaning over the sink to stare at herself in the mirror. Her light brown eyes were dilated and cloudy from the shocked awakening she had had, as they usually were after a vision. There were dark bags under them, and she poked at them with a frown. As her hand went up to her face, she noticed it shaking, and yanked it down to her side immediately.
She usually didn't have more than one vision a month, not even that sometimes. So this was new to her, waking up every night.
The images were very disconcerting as well. The only thing she ever saw now was Snape. Snape taking her to a restaurant, Snape giving her a Christmas present, Snape sitting with her to keep her company, Snape holding a baby – their baby.
She was sure that she was in someone else's memory. A few times, the image Snape would speak her name, but it was always muddled. She could never hear him right when he said it. Sometimes, it sounded like gibberish, a mix between two different names. It would come out "Crimion" Or something like that, and his face would go confused, and that was usually when she would wake up.
Lavender shook her head, splashing water onto her face. There had to be an explanation. Professor Trelawny had been little help, and had brushed off Lavender's insistancy over them, telling her instead to concentrate on her tea leaves.
Making a split second decision, she grabbed her robes, and snuck out of the common room.
The dungeons were cold, and she pulled her robes a little bit tighter around her shoulders. She had been standing in front of Snape's door now for nearly half an hour. It was easy enough to get down there, easy enough to tell herself she was going to talk to him... Actually doing it, though, that was another story. Would he turn her away? Would he take off points? Taking a breath, she lifted her hand. It hovered in the air above the wood for a few minutes before she hid it in her sleeve again and resorted to staring at it once more.
It was another half hour before she pushed all her thoughts from her head, and shoved her hand forward, briskly knocking three times.
She wanted to run now. She could hear his footsteps getting closer to the door, and she felt like she was suddenly 2 feet tall when he swung open the door, glowering down at her angrily.
"G-good Evening, P-Professor Snape." She squeaked out, looking up at him with wide eyes.
She had every right to be nervous, she told herself. Since her slip up in his classroom, Snape had been less than civil towards everybody, but he seemed extra bitter towards her.
He didn't seem angry now, however, but more as if he was relieved, like this was something he was expecting and could finally relax now that it happened. Granted, he still looked very unhappy.
"Come in, Ms Brown." He said curtly, standing aside to give her access to his rooms.
She did as she was told, standing awkwardly in the middle of the room as he crossed by her and sank into a chair, looking at her expectantly. She noted the half empty bottle of fire-whiskey next to him, and the nearly drained shot glass that was on the handle of the armchair.
"I was...Well you see... I've been having these visions..." She started nervously, her voice hitching, which she cursed it for. "And I-I can't understand why I'm having them, but they include you and--" suddenly, everything just came out. It was easy now, once she had started, to just keep speaking. "And me. And I keep seeing these memories, like I've actually lived them, and its so wrong! Its as if I'm in another person's life, but I don't know why. I never have visions as often as I do since I started getting these ones and--"
"Ms Brown." His voice was smooth as silk as it interrupted her and she drowned off, looking at him again with wide eyes.
He looked frustrated. And confused, and tired. He looked...Human. For Lavender, who had never seen the man outside of class, when he was dark and snarky and mean, this was extremely new for her.
"I fear...It is time I explained a few things."
She blinked for a few minutes at the strained silence, wondering why Snape looked like he was so absolutely dreading what he was about to say. Curiosity bubbled in her as she took a step forward.
"So you know whats happening to me?"
"Not entirely..." His hand was on the bridge of his nose, massaging it as though he had a headache. "But I have a fairly good idea." He sighed, looking up at her, and he just looked so very -tired-.
"Ms Brown, you have been living in an orphanage, correct?"
Surprised by this sudden turn in the conversation, Lavender stuttered. "I-well... No, with a foster home, but how did--"
"Your Mother died when you were three."
Now she was just angry. Who was he to talk about her mother so casually. Her gaze turned angry. "I don't see how thats important. And if you could please refrain from talking about my mother, it would be much appreciated."
Snape was now up and pacing around the room, seeming as if he wasn't even listening to her, and she near about bristled with anger.
"I see I'm bothering you. I'll go." She said tersely, and turned to head for the door.
"Sit down, Ms Brown." His voice was agitated and sharp, and surprised by his sudden outburst, she plopped down into the chair he had just been occupying.
There was an uncomfortable silence between them for a few minutes, the only sound his boots clicking on the floor.
"The year I graduated Hogwarts, your mother and I were arranged to be married." Snape wasn't looking at her now. He was standing next to his window, staring outside blankly. He didn't give her any time to ponder what he had just said, as he continued. "Cristina had you a year later, and was killed three years after in a death eater raid." There was pure bitterness in his voice then, and Lavender could only stare up at him unbelievingly.
"My memories of her as well, have become muddled, messed up." His hand raised to run through his hair, in what she would later learn to be a nervous gesture of his. "A fellow student of yours has been trapped in the past, and it seems my past self has become...intrigued by her. She is creating a kink in time. I would assume your visions are a result of the events of the past struggling against another force."
He turned around then, and resumed pacing. "It takes a great deal to change the events of the past, and right now, there is a struggle between two events, vying for the position of reality." He finished then, turning to the student he had never seen outside of class.
She had tears on her face, a betrayed, hurt look on her face. She couldn't believe it, couldn't look at the man in front of her any longer. She bowed her head, her breaths coming in ragged gasps, her hands clenched in her lap.
"Why...Didn't you tell me before...?"
"I have no desire to be a father, Ms Brown."
She looked up at him, lip shivering. "So just because you don't want it, you don't have to do it?"
His face, which had been so normal before, closed up. It was once again a wall, just like the bastard in class. He strode to his door, holding it open.
"I have told you what you needed. Get out."
She held in a sob as she ran from the room, wishing she could disregard what he had just told her. It couldn't be true. How could something like that have been true!
She ran the entire way to the Gryffindor common room, all the way up to her bed, where she collapsed into the sheets with abandon. By the time sleep captured her, her pillow was soaking with salty-wet tears.
A/N: Aww, depressing chapter, ne? Don't worry, Snape the Bastard won't be here long. He has his reasons, they're just not shown right now. Lavender's situation will be explained a little bit better soon, as well. I'm pondering going into flashbacks, perhaps delving a little bit deeper into the past thats supposed to be there.
Ah yes, I was re-reading the first few chapters of this story, and it nearly made me laugh at how much my writing has changed! D:
I am sooo very unhappy with the first couple of chapters in this story, and I was thinking of editing them up a bit. It wouldn't change anything, and most likely not add anything either. Just re-written with better detail and everything. What do you guys think? I'll wait for some feedback on that idea until I do anything with it, so please leave your opinion on it. Thank you.
:D Please leave reviews, I live on them...Like air! Don't make me suffocate! Thats illegal!
Oh yes, by the way. I've updated my profile to show when the general date of when I update my stories is going to be. So if you're interested, its up there, and I'll work very hard to keep true to the dates there.