A/N: Welcome to Story numero… uh… Two! Hehe, didja enjoy Story One? I hope you did! AND, I hope you'll enjoy this randomness as well! It's much longer so you'll have more chances of making your lungs explode! BOO-HA!
Hmm.. maybe I should change the summary of this chapter story. Of course, it will consist of Vincent gag stories… but I wanna make gag stories for the other characters as well. (ponder) Well, I'll think about it! 'sides… I love the name of this chapter story. (falls over) It doesn't make sense, but oh well! (dances)
Disclaimer: FF7 doesn't belong to moi… but… uh… Chocobo Charlie does. Hehehe.
Life of the Valentine
Story Two
Ordinary Day
"Today is such a perfect day to go picnicking!" Cid screamed into Vincent's ear.
It was only five in the morning… and Cid had already planned out a picnic? Who does that! Vincent grumbled in his sleep and twirled onto his stomach. He did not bother to answer, as Cid had long been drowned in his "wonderfulness" of "picnicness". The pilot had been hyper since twelve in the morning. How Vincent made it through the night was indeed a mystery.
Three more hours had rolled by, and everyone was wide-awake. Thanks to Cid, everyone had the sudden urge to go picnicking! All except Vincent, who was now half-asleep in his cereal.
Cloud whacked Vincent's back hard, making the gunman suck milk up his nose. The swordsman twirled around and chucked a picnic basket to his friend.
"C'mon, c'mon! I wanna do the picnic!"
"Fwaaa…?"
Cloud laughed. "Of course not! It's such a wonderful day! Haven't you been listening to Cid? Where have you been, silly!" Before leaving, Cloud shoved another picnic basket into his friend's face. "Pack up the peanut butter and jelly sammiches!"
Just then, Yuffie skipped into the kitchen, holding a bag of Materia! Its bright glow illuminated the whole kitchen, causing all the pots and pans to cast such bright rays around the room. Barret, unaware of what was happening, entered the kitchen, only to find himself blinded by some unknown force.
"GAAH! I'M BLIND! CALL A CHIROPRACTOR!"
Yuffie stuck her tongue out and hid the blinding lights inside her pocket. "Shut up, Barret! You're the only one that's complaining!… and a chiropractor is someone who helps your BACK! You need a botanist!"
Barret nodded in agreement, then continued his agonizing pain. "GAH! I NEED A BOTANIST!"
"SHUT UP!" Cid roared. "I WANNA HAVE A PICNIC, AND NEITHER OF YOU GUYS ARE HELPING ME!"
"Picnic!" Yuffie cheered. "Oh, oh! But first… I need to gather up all my Materia!"
"Why the crap do you need frickin' Materia for?"
"BECAUSE!… they're SPECIAL," with that said, the ninja leapt into the air, and crashed through the roof. An ear-piercing cry echoed from above.
"AHH! A GIRL SPRANG OUT FROM THE TOILET!" Tifa screamed.
Cid shook his head in disappointment. Suddenly, something popped into his head at that moment. He turned to his friends, (including Tifa, who had toilet paper stuck in her pants) with a really pissed-looking face on, and finally said.
"Why do you think Yuffie obsesses over them Materia all the time?"
Barret lifted his arm, almost hitting the ceiling. "To donate to charity?"
Cid threw an empty bottle of beer at Barret's head. "SHUT UP, YOU! I think… there's something we don't know about them Materia…"
"Cid," Cloud sighed. "It's a ball with magical powers."
"…so're yours, but you don't see me complainin'."
Cloud made a face at that.
Tifa reached inside her pocket and pulled out her shiny Materia. "You know what? Maybe Cid is right…"
Long and awkward pause…
Without realizing it, Tifa thrust toward Cid and quickly stuffed the Materia into his mouth. Cid, who was now making odd noises through his mouth, began to suck on the magic orb. He paused and continued sucking.
"Hey…" he said as he removed the orb from his mouth. "…this thing… tastes really good!"
Everyone's mouths dropped to the floor.
"WHAT!"
Everyone reached into their pockets and pulled out different Materia. Cloud took out his summon Materia and licked it around.
"Wow! All these years… Materia can be indeed edible!"
"Yeah!" Tifa agreed. "Mine tastes minty!"
"Cherry!"
"…lemon?" Barret stuck his tongue out.
Cid waved his wet Materia around. "Blue the frickin' berry!"
"HEY! I WANT SOME OF THAT!" Tifa screeched into his ear.
Cloud shoved Barret over. "ME TOO!"
"HEY! NO FAIR!"
"HEY! BLUE THE FRICKIN' BERRY IS MIIIINNEE!"
Then, the fight ensued. A huge cloud of dust suddenly covered over the fighting… Materia… eating… people, unaware that Yuffie had finally returned…through the floor. She tilted her head around then cleared her throat, making the fighting Materia-eating people freeze in midair.
"Uh… what're you-" a loud gasp escaped from her mouth. "AHH! WHY'RE YOU EATING MY PRECIOUS MATERIA!"
"…GIMME MATERIA!" everyone roared in unison, thus, beginning the fight once more.
A few minutes later, Vincent, who had finished making the… "peanut butter and jelly sammiches", entered the kitchen. He blinked a few times, noticing that the roof, the floor, and the walls were nothing more than… dust. The refrigerator had exploded and everyone was caught on fire. However, everyone was now unconscious with Materia stuck inside their mouths. Vincent turned around and marched out the front door.
"…yes, today is such a lovely day for a picnic…"
As the day went on, Vincent enjoyed a lovely picnic near a pond… alone. He took a sip of his green tea and let out a sigh of relief. He rested his back against a tree trunk and watched the white clouds float by. The sun revealed itself through the clouds as the robins and blue jays sang in unison. Vincent sipped his green tea once more and finally said,
"Ah… a day like this comes so rarely. It's such a lovely-"
Thunder cued off in the distance. The white clouds had quickly changed into dark and devilish-looking clouds. A strong gust of wind blew Vincent's picnic food into his face. He stood up and made a face at the sky.
"…stooooopid."
His trip home, however, wasn't as bad as getting peanut butter stuck inside your nose. Vincent slammed the front door open and dragged his soaked cape through the living room. He entered the kitchen without a sound. The kitchen had magically returned to normal. The walls, the ceiling, the floor, and the refrigerator were back to normal. Except… the fact that everyone was still caught on fire. Must have been strong will power or something. Vincent just shrugged it off and headed upstairs to the bathroom.
But, before he could move, Cid grabbed his shoulder and twirled his friend around. Vincent blinked in confusion as Cid puffed out a smoke from his mouth.
"Where the crap were you?"
Vincent blinked again. "…out for a picnic."
"What the crap! Why do that when you KNOW that it's gonna rain for forty days and forty nights!"
"…whoopsies."
"Crap that!" he paused. "Oh yeah, can you help with the bathroom upstairs? Barret had a massive case of diarrhea, and the toilet's-"
Vincent stuck his soggy cape into the pilot's mouth. "Forget it. Besides, you had the chance to do such an important job," he paused then turned around. "You… do like important jobs… right?"
Cid's eyes grew huge at that. He took out his mop and swung it around. "I LIKE DOING IMPORTANT THINGS!"
"Well then… GO! Go save Timmy from the well!"
"RAWR!" Cid leapt into the air, and hit his head really hard on the ceiling. He groaned and stormed away, mumbling, 'how the crap did Yuffie do it…?'.
Vincent sighed and decided to wait in the living room. There, he spotted a bowl of candy sitting on top of the coffee table. His eyes shimmered with glee. Vincent had secretly loved candy, but wouldn't dare show to it anyone. He cautiously maneuvered through the living room, avoiding non-existent lasers and obstacles. Finally, he made it to the candy bowl! After one look around, he leaned forward and…
"YAHOO!"
The secret-agent-gunman-Vincent gasped loudly and quickly hid underneath the table. Yuffie skipped through the living room, holding two bowls of Materia and candy. She hopped on top of the table and danced around for a little bit.
"Candy and Materia for meeee!" she hummed. Suddenly, she stopped in midair, noticing that the bowl before her… was not her beloved Materia! "WAAZZAATT? This isn't my Materia!" she quickly pulled the candy bowl away and pushed over some of her Materia. After taking a short second for some dancing, she disappeared in thin air.
…
Vincent's head peeked from the bottom of the table. He crawled out and, taking a VERY good look around, reached over to the bowl and snatched a "candy" out. He opened his mouth and popped the "candy" into his mouth. However, it wouldn't go through all the way. He paused for a few seconds then…
…HE WENT INSANE!
He waved his arms around, knocking over vases, antiques, and other fragile items in the living area. "MPFH! MPFFFFF!" he mumbled as huge tears dripped down his face.
Just then, Cid made an appearance! "What the crap! I heard distress signals coming from… THIS AREA!" After making a random pose, he turned to Vincent who had big sad eyes.
Cid paused.
"…WHAT THE FRICK ARE YOU TRYING TO EAT?"
Finally calming down, Cid leaned forward and examined the "candy". He swiveled around Vincent who seemed a little awkward at the moment. The pilot grabbed the "candy" and tried to pull it out. But, no matter how hard he tried, it just wouldn't budge! This was making Cid really really ANGRY!
"STUPID GODSHIT ASS!"
And, in one swoop, Cid accidentally threw Vincent right over his shoulder! Without noticing, Cid swung his head side-to-side, wondering where Vin disappeared to. Finally, he turned and found poor Vincent stuck inside the wall… unconscious.
Cid rubbed the back of his head. "…whoopsies."
"Mppffhhgg…" Vincent responded.
Loud footsteps suddenly echoed through the hallway. With each passing second, the noise had gotten louder and louder! Cid and Vincent, who miraculously woken up two seconds ago, turned around. Yuffie stomped towards the living area, sinking her feet into the floor. She stretched her arms out as far as she could, and yelled,
"I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMEEEENNTT!" The ninja jumped on top of the table and pointed at the confused boys. "As of today, I am known as the Princess of Destruction!"
Cid stuck his tongue out at that. "We know that, ya brat!"
'S-She cracked the floor…' Vincent thought to himself as he examined the damaged floor.
Yuffie continued. "So! If you do anything that'll piss me off… I WILL EAT YOU ALIVE!"
Cid was not worried about that at all. However, Vincent was… quite worried.
With that said, a mysterious gray smoke appeared out of nowhere, covering Yuffie. Moments later, she disappeared!
The two boys remained silent.
"…weelp…" Cid started. "…Good luck! I hope you don't choke to death!"
Before he could leave, Vincent quickly grabbed a hold of his sleeve. Cid turned around, only to come face-to-face with a sweet-looking face of an innocent child that was Vincent. (Awww) He sniffed several times, making Cid blush for a mere second. He shook his head and sighed.
"Fiiine… I guess I'll help you…"
Vincent smiled and nodded his head. He turned around and slapped himself on the forehead. 'Shit… I used the face…'
Meanwhile, Cloud had entered the house. He headed toward his room and slowly closed the door behind him. He let out a loud sigh as he placed a large bag down out in front. He turned it over as heavy metal clunked to the ground. Cloud threw the bag over his shoulder, and contined his work.
"This one is… sixty…" he mumbled for a while. "…ninety-nine… one hundred."
He paused.
"…I think I bought too many swords."
"CLOUD!"
Just THEN. Cloud's bedroom door flung right open, smashing into the wall behind it. Cloud's hair spiked up as he quickly turned around. Cid shook his leader's shoulders and pointed his shaking finger out the door.
"Holy CRAP! Cloud! We have a frickin' situation!"
Cloud lifted an eyebrow then gasped. "It's Barret, isn't it? Gah! Not again! He should really learn how to flush correctly!"
"…N-No, you moron! Follow me!"
Cid grabbed Cloud's hand and dragged him out of the room. Soon, he rushed towards the living area, accidentally smacking Cloud against the wall next to him. The pilot pointed at Vincent who was busy watching a Chocobo related cartoon.
"RIGHT THERE, MISTER!" Cid roared.
The swordsman blinked and hovered his eyes towards Vincent. Vincent lifted an eyebrow and sucked the drool about to roll down the "candy". Cloud's eyebrows skyrocketed at that.
"Hey, Vincent! I didn't know you liked watching Chocobo Charlie!"
"GAH!" Cid punched Cloud's head. "THERE'S SOMETHING STUCK IN HIS FRICKIN' MOUTH!"
"Hmmm…" Cloud examined Vincent's mouth for a while.
He grabbed the "candy" ever so gently, and easily pulled it right out of his mouth! Mysterious lights above shined down on Cloud as he lifted the "candy" up towards the sky. (ceiling, actually.) Cid's mouth literally dropped to the ground at that.
"…WAHGUH?"
Cloud patted the "candy" gently. "You must treat the Materia with care!"
Vincent gasped at that.
"What's the matter, Vincent?" Cloud asked.
"…t-that was… Materia?"
Cid, who was still confused, responded with a simple, "…ha?"
"Y-Yeah, Vincent. You… didn't know?"
Vincent fell to his knees and covered his mouth with his fists. "B-But it tasted so good…"
"…stooopid," Cid taunted in the back.
"MATERIA!"
Smoke filled the air. Yuffie leapt out of the smoke and snatched her beloved Materia away from Cloud.
"NO! You can't eat my precious Materia anymore! You made me very very angry today!"
Cid smirked. "H'oh yeah? And whatcha gonna do about it, 'Princess of Destruction'?"
Yuffie's eyes turned a bright red. She spread her arms out as a bright glow illuminated the whole room.
Several moments later, the whole house exploded, leaving no traces of life whatsoever.
And… yeah… even the Princess of Destruction exploded with it. Kind of sad… knowing that your own powers could defeat you as well. (R.I.P.)
As for that beloved picnic…
Thunder continued to roar about in the back. The fierce storm hadn't died down for a mere second. Sephiroth placed his picnic items on the ground and took a deep breath.
"Ah… a perfect day for a picnic…"
A/N: End of Story Two!… oh my goodness. This was soo silly.. (falls over) This is actually two stories merged into one! Yes! I made them into comics. And… I never even realized that they could be related in so many ways. (lights shine from above) Except the Sephiroth part was based on a picture I made one day. Yes… his own version of a lovely picnic. (sweatdrop) I thought it was cute. Maybe I'll show it to you guys some day. Anyways! I hope you enjoyed and please tell me how you thought of it!