Chapter Five: I'm Not Perfect!

Choosing to hide instead of endure the wrath of the Slytherins, Taryn took to sleeping in the Room of Requirement for the last two weeks of term. Occasionally, she would be joined by either Sirius or Remus until about midnight, when they would disappear to their own dormitories for one reason or another. However, one night, two days before they would be going home for holiday, she was joined by both of them.

"I'll be back," she said, stretching and walking lazily out of the Room of Requirement.

Sirius turned to Remus once he was certain she was out of earshot. "All right, spill it," he demanded. "What's going on?"

Remus looked up from his book. "What're you talking about?" he asked, slipping a piece of parchment between the pages as a bookmark. "Going on where?"

"You know what I'm talking about," Sirius said, stalking over to Remus and leaning over him in the chair. "What's going on with you? You're sneaking glances at her. Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about, because you do! Tell me the truth, Remus!"

The Werewolf sighed and dropped his book to the floor. He ran a hand through his hair and said, "I'm sorry, Sirius…" He wouldn't meet Sirius' gaze.

"Merlin…" Sirius said softly, backing away from his best friend. He was no less than shocked. "You do realise you can't do anything about it, right?" Remus nodded. "She's your cousin, Remus!"

"I know that!" Remus said sharply, standing and beginning to pace the room. "There's not a day that's gone by that I don't realise that, Sirius. She's my cousin, yes, I know, but I can't help it!" He sighed violently, then finally looked at Sirius. "You of all people should realise the hold she can unknowingly have on someone!"

Sirius slammed his fist into the stone wall beside him. "Dammit, Remus!" he said loudly. "I love her!"

"So do I!"

The door opened suddenly and Taryn was standing in the doorway, looking between the two of them, her night-robe slipping off one shoulder. "Is everything all right?" she asked, obviously seeing the tension between her friends. Neither answered, so she shrugged and walked over to her usual bed and climbed in, dropping her robe on her chair nearby. "I suppose you're not going to tell me. That's all right. Your business is your own." She sighed and lay back, draping a leg over the side of the bed.

Sirius walked over to her. "What are you thinking about, Tar?" he asked her, seeing the concentration in her eyes.

"I was just thinking about the Pureblood marriages that have been happening lately," she said, lost in thought. "And I know that it's usually second cousins that can marry without their children having any physical or mental side-affects… But I was curious to know if first cousins could do the same. Like if Sirius had the sudden urge to marry Narcissa or Bellatrix or Andromeda…" She caught sight of his face. "Yes, I know they're all engaged or married. It was just an example. Do you think your children would be normal, or would they be deformed or something?"

"I… don't know," Sirius answered weakly.

Taryn sat up and looked over at Remus who had resumed his task of reading his book. "Midnight, what do you think?" she asked, drawing his attention to her.

"Why do you need to know?" he asked, almost guardedly. "Does it really matter?"

"No," she shook her head. "I was just wondering, that's all."

On the train to London, the Marauders—as the boys cryptically called themselves without telling the girls why—and the girls shared a compartment, talking animatedly with each other for the most part. Remus, Sirius and Taryn had snatched the three seats closest to the large window and had taken to staring through the glass and not speaking. The boys were wondering if she had overheard their conversation before she had returned from brushing her teeth that night in the Room of Requirement and she was wondering if she would have any company during the holiday.

Taryn silently listened to the others' conversation as she stared out the window. They were discussing their plans for the holiday. James and Lily were going to his grandparents' for Christmas, then to her grandparents' for New Year's. Peter was staying home. Colleen was going to visit the Love grandparents, leaving Taryn alone at their house to watch over things there. At one point, James made some mention about Sirius joining the Potters for the holiday, but it didn't register with Taryn. She knew Remus was going to the Lupin grandparents' for the holiday and that her older sister, Cora, a Muggle, would be with her husband's family. So, in a nutshell, Taryn would be spending the entire two weeks away from Hogwarts alone in her parents' large house.

She sighed and lightly banged her head against the glass, unintentionally drawing attention to herself. "Tar, what's wrong?" Lily asked. "Why are you banging your head against the window?"

Taryn looked at the others in the compartment, all looking at her, waiting for a reply. "Nothing's wrong," she said softly. "I was just remembering all the things I have to do when I get to my parents' house. You know, things the House-Elves can't do themselves. Don't worry about it."

"Is that what you'll be doing over holiday, then?" James asked. "Spending it alone in that castle of a house with three House-Elves and no one else? Just taking care of the finances that need to be dealt with?"

She nodded. "Yeah, pretty much," she said. She could see them all thinking quickly to invite her to join them. "But, don't ask me to join you. If I do, nothing will get done at the house. I'll be all right. I'll rent some movies for Christmas. Don't worry about me." She managed a weak smile, then returned to staring out the window, but as her eyes travelled from all of her friends to the landscape beyond the glass, they met a pair of particularly intense grey ones—Sirius was staring at her, making her slightly uncomfortable.

The remainder of the train ride was uneventful. But, as the train pulled into King's Cross Station, Platform 9 ¾, Sirius grabbed Taryn's wrist gently and hastily whispered, "I need to speak with you."

"Okay," she muttered, pulling her coat from her suitcase she used for Christmas holiday as the others pulled their own suitcases out of the compartment. "Talk to me, Sirius."

"Alone, Taryn."

She threw a glance over her shoulder. The compartment was empty. "We are alone," she hissed. "Unless you think one of them has James' Invisibility Cloak—"

"I do," he said, grabbing his suitcase and hers and dragging them out of the compartment and off the train.

Rolling her eyes and muttering in slight annoyance, Taryn followed him into the Muggle area of the Station. "Sirius," she said, running to catch up with her bag. "What is this all about?"

Sirius stopped walking, dropped their bags and sighing, looking down at the ground. "You don't eavesdrop, do you?" he asked.

"You've known me since we were twelve and you're asking me this now?" she asked, her eyebrows raised. "I thought you already knew that I don't. It's entirely rude."

He sighed in relief. "Okay," he said. "But, if you happened to overhear a heated conversation in a room you were going to be entering anyway, would you stop and listen for a bit?"

"Sirius Black, what are you talking about?"

"Nothing," he said. "Forget about it. Your escort's here, Taryn."

She turned around and saw Mr. Ollivander, a close friend of her father's family, walking towards her. He was an older man with wide, pale eyes and uncommonly long, white fingers. He was smiling eerily at Taryn and Sirius as he walked toward them. Taryn would never come out right and say it, but Mr. Ollivander made her uncomfortable. She supposed it must have been the look his eyes took when she bought her first wand from him. But that didn't stop her from being nice to him. "Mr. Ollivander," she said pleasantly. "I suppose my grandparents insisted you escort me to Diagon Alley?"

He nodded, his eyes flitting over Sirius quickly. "Sirius Black," he said. "You've seemed to have gotten much taller since I saw you last. It's been five and a half years since you bought your wand, hasn't it?"

Sirius nodded. "Yes, sir," he said.

"I remember every wand I've ever sold, Mr. Black," Mr. Ollivander continued as though Sirius hadn't spoken. Taryn licked her lips and bounced on her toes, waiting impatiently. "Tell me. Does your brother, Regulus, still use the Maple and unicorn hair, twelve inches, good for curses? Or has he replaced it yet?"

Sirius's eyes clouded over at the sound of his younger brother's name. In fact, it had been the first time in years since Taryn had heard it herself. Regulus didn't attend Hogwarts, but went to Durmstrang and Taryn had never met him and Sirius talked of him even less than any of them saw him. "Mr. Ollivander," she said, reading Sirius' expression. "Regulus doesn't attend Hogwarts and I'm sure Sirius sees very little of him. There is the possibility that he has purchased a replacement wand for whatever reason, but he may still be using your wand, sir. Shall we continue on to Diagon Alley, then? I must get home as soon as possible."

Mr. Ollivander nodded and picked up her suitcase. "Say good bye to Mr. Black, Miss Love," he said, walking away.

"I'm sorry, Sirius," she said. "Sometimes he just has no tact. He's always more curious about where his wands have got to than about everything else."

"Don't make excuses for him," Sirius snapped. "I left home for a reason, Taryn!" He grabbed his suitcase, turned sharply and began walking over to where the Potters had congregated. "Have a happy Christmas, Taryn," he said coldly over his shoulder.

"You too," she muttered, following after Mr. Ollivander. "Jerk."

"What was that?" Mr. Ollivander asked, obviously hearing her mutterings.

"Nothing."

Once she had shot out of the large fireplace in the library, stood and dusted herself off, Taryn lifted her head towards the high ceiling and yelled, "Sine! Aibhlin! Dougal! Get in here!" Immediately, three House-Elves appeared before her. "Good. Dougal, take this." She handed her suitcase to the male Elf with large floppy ears and began walking out of the library, the Elves following her. "All right, you three, I'm in a rotten mood because of our dear friend Sirius Black and I need things to happen quickly so I can actually enjoy the time off from school. All right. Sine, I need you to go into the study and prepare my desk for going over my parents' wills. Off you trot." The smallest female Elf with a button nose bowed and ran off to the study. "Aibhlin, you go to the kitchen and fix something to eat. I've been craving a turkey, bacon and guacamole sandwich for about two months, so make that. With a side of fresh fruit and a tall glass of pumpkin juice—no water. Send it to the study in twenty minutes. Go now." Aibhlin, the other female Elf with big amber eyes, bowed and ran off to the kitchen. "And Dougal, after you take my things up to my room, see me in the study, I have a short list of appointments for you to make for me. You may go." Dougal bowed and disappeared with the suitcase.

Taryn walked into the nearest broom closet, shut the door tightly, tilted her head towards the Quidditch robes her family had collected over the years and screamed for a few minutes until she felt better. Then she went promptly to the study. James had overstated when he called her house a castle. It was just a large house. Not a manor. Not a mansion. Definitely not a castle. Just a larger than average house. And she loved it. Unless it was empty. Then she hated it with a great intensity.

Inside the study, Sine was busy laying out the documents and papers all concerning the two wills of her parents that still needed to be gone over by Taryn, Cora and Colleen. But Cora and Colleen had said that they trusted Taryn to take care of all of it and left it to her. So now, all she needed was an inheritance administrator from the Ministry of Magic to help her go through all the legal issues surrounding the dispersement of the three inheritances. She hadn't had a full opportunity to thoroughly read either will, so she had no idea who would be getting what and how much money would be going where.

She flopped into her chair and rubbed her temples, feeling a headache coming on already. Sine looked up at her. "Are you all right, Miss Taryn?" she asked. "Surely you don't have a head-pain already? We haven't started yet."

"So you've noticed, have you?" Taryn muttered. "Sine, I really don't want to be the one to do this. I don't want to go through their wills, separate their belongings to the people who've inherited them and see the things I've grown up with leave the one place where they belong—here. It only confirms that they're really gone and not just away on business. I don't think I can handle that."

"But, Miss," Sine said, climbing up onto the desk so she could better see into Taryn's eyes. Sine was Taryn's personal Elf and was, therefore, allowed to do that. "Master Dagonet and Mistress Elaine were killed last January. You cannot pretend that they are still alive, Miss. You need to tend to the wills, Miss. They would want you to."

"No," Taryn sighed. "They would want Cora to do it. Not me. After all, she's the one who doesn't have to worry that much about You-Know-Who as long as she keeps her nose out of other people's business. She doesn't have to go away to school and leave everything unsettled here while she's gone. She's married. She's an adult. She's more mature than I can ever hope to be. She can handle this. I can't." Tear that she had been fighting with broke to the surface and spilled over onto her cheeks.

"Taryn, what on earth is wrong?" She gasped, startled; she hadn't heard anyone at the door, or at the library fireplace or noticed that she had left the study door open. She looked up and saw Remus standing in the doorway, looking at her with concern in his eyes.

She stood on shaky legs and walked around the desk, furiously wiping away her tears. "Remus," she said. "I wasn't expecting you. What're you doing here?"

"I should be asking you the same thing," he said. "You shouldn't be here during the holiday. You should've gone with Colleen to Grandma Love's house or come with me to Grandpa Lupin's house! Come on, it's the second hour of holiday and already, you're crying. Let's go."

She shook her head. "I can't, Remmie," she whispered. "I can't. I have to sort out the wills. And I have to pay off the debts I still have from their funerals… And I have to figure out the expenses to keep Colleen in school after she graduates from Hogwarts, whatever she may want to do. And I have to figure out if I can afford to keep the House-Elves or not. I may have to sell them or something." Fresh tears slipped down her cheeks and she fell against the desk behind her.

Remus quickly crossed the study to Taryn and pulled her into a tight and warm hug. "Stop it," he said gently, but firmly. "That's enough crying. I know it's not fair that you were suddenly burdened with keeping the Love household, but Taryn, you can do this. You will pull through. If you put your mind to it. But, you'll never make it if you keep up this crying nonsense. Aunt Elaine and Uncle Dagonet would be proud of you if they could see you now. You take better care of Colleen than anyone else in the same situation could. You've been a stable support to her this entire year. Don't start beating yourself up about how you 'could be doing better'. The truth is, you can't. There's nothing more that you can do that you haven't already done. The last thing you need to do is start stressing yourself out." He lifted her chin and looked in her eyes. "Do you understand me, love?"

"Stop it," she whispered, pushing him away. "Stop being so perfect. Stop knowing all the right answers. Please… Just… stop." She fell to her knees, then leaned against the desk, drawing her knees up to her chest, holding them and resting her chin on them.

Remus sat beside her. "Taryn, what are you talking about?" he asked softly.

"Godric, Remus," she muttered, not looking at him, turning her face away from him. "You know I don't like to listen in on other people's conversations. I'm sorry. I-I didn't mean to… You and Sirius were yelling and the door wasn't closed properly—and even if it was, it isn't sound proof… I didn't mean to overhear it… I swear, I didn't want to." She looked up at him with tear-filled eyes. He looked pale and almost horrified. "But I need to know… Who were you talking about?"

He seemed to be thinking quickly. "Godric…" he whispered. "Taryn, does it matter who we were talking about?" She nodded slowly. "Why do you need to know?"

"Is 'because' an adequate answer?" she asked, trying to skirt the real issue behind her questions.

He shook his head. "Never has been," he replied resolutely. "Tell me why you need to know and I will tell you what you want to know."

She hesitated before answering. She knew that if she told him the truth, he would object, telling her to listen to herself and then she would see why that it was a bad idea. She knew if she lied, he would see through it in an instant and not tell her. But she knew if she told the truth, he may or may not be happy for her. If he wasn't happy for her, he would try to dissuade her from it. But if she lied, he would reprimand her for it. He was always keeping her in check. She sighed and looked across the room. Her gaze fell on a portrait of her parents that was hanging over the fire. They seemed to tell her that it was okay to tell Remus the truth. He was her cousin and closest friend, after all. He deserved to know the truth.

She sighed again and looked Remus in the eyes. "I'm not going to lie to you, Remmie," she said quietly. "But you have to know this is difficult for me to say. You've always been protective of me for whatever reason. And while part of me appreciates that aspect of your character, another part of me wants you to leave me to live my own life. But, as you won't tell me what I need to know, I should tell you why I do…" She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. When she opened her eyes, she said so soft she wasn't sure he could hear her, "I love him."

"Sirius, you mean?" he asked as a light of great disappointment filled his eyes, but was gone in the same instant. She nodded, studying his face carefully. "I see…" he said quietly. Then he was himself again. "Well, then. You upheld your end of the bargain. Holds fair now that I return the favour."

Taryn shook her head, her fingertips on his mouth, silencing him. "Don't," she said. "It doesn't matter anymore. I think I just needed to tell someone the truth after hiding it for so long." She stood and ran her tongue over her front teeth. "Sine, put this away. Aibhlin, take the food back to the kitchen. I'll have it tomorrow. Dougal, the list is on the desk. I'm going to bed. See you at school, Remmie." She turned and walked to the door.

"Taryn, wait," he said, his hand on hers. She turned to see him directly behind her. "I didn't mean to upset you. If I have—"

She put her fingers on his mouth again. "You've never upset me, Remus," she said softly. "You just make me think in different ways. Whether or not that's a bad thing is yet to be decided." She reached up and kissed him gently on the cheek. Then she turned and walked away to the stair leading to the large and spacious attic, her bedroom.

"I'm not perfect, Taryn!" he called after her. "I'm far from it!"

She merely smiled as she climbed the stairs.

……