Sands lay on his bed, completely unmoving, his arms crossed behind his head, and he stared up at the ceiling. Well, where the ceiling would have been, had he been able to see it, it was too dark, completely pitch black in fact, despite the fact that it was only lunchtime. In reality he couldn't tell what was up, and what was down; he could in fact, for all he knew, be staring at the floor!
He knew that it was nearly Christmas; by the fact that he was nearly trampled to death by a stampede every time he walked out the front door. The citizens of New York were running around the city buying shit to give to people who they neither cared about or saw other than in the festive holidays. What's more, they too will be given shit that they don't want, and the best thing of all is that it's over-priced shit. Morons. His neighbours were playing Christmas carols on loop, the same songs, over…and over…again. It was driving him insane. The more he thought about it the more he realised that his neighbours were perhaps a little too excited by the impending festivities…Sands smirked and raised an eyebrow, well perhaps I should go over there and restore a little balanced into this crazy world. On second thoughts perhaps I'll run for governor, and then president and make Christmas illegal, which would certainly solve the problem of over excited children…and fuck-wit adults…
It was a pretty safe bet to say that Sands was not one for holly-jolly festive periods. In fact, if he recalled correctly, this was one of his least favourites-it's worse than Easter, Thanksgiving, Halloween (despite the fact that he'd save a fortune on Halloween masks, should he ever get invited to a party…) oh, thinking about it, The Day of the Dead probably came a close second…what with the whole, eye gouging thing…he had hated Christmas for as long as he could remember, not that he did that very often, not when he was awake anyway. Reminiscing about the past was something that happened whilst he was asleep, and could not escape the torture of having to relive the worst days of his life.
He lay in the same place, not moving at all, except for the rise and fall of his chest, which betrayed the fact that he hadn't died. To a stranger watching him it would be completely understandable to think that he had fallen asleep. However, anyone who had seen him sleep would know different, for when he slept his face would twist in torment and he would fight demons that only he could see.
Just when he was considering getting up and finding a bottle of tequila, and getting so pissed that he'd pass out-which thankfully meant no nightmares-all of a sudden, he saw something that appeared to be a candle flame, out of the corner of his eye. Which definitely made him question am I asleep? Of course I'm asleep, what other explanation is there for the fact that I can see? It's not just that it's unlikely I'll ever be able to see again, it's impossible, because just over a year ago I had my eyes ripped out by a crazy doctor, who got his jollies by doing things like this.
Sands tried to jolt himself awake, as the flame continued to grow, not just in size, but also in brilliance, it grew rapidly until it was just a little bit smaller than him, suddenly there was a flash and a woman stood the place of the light. She appeared to have an unnatural glow radiating from her but prey tell, what the hell is natural about this? His mind countered.
There was something about the woman standing at the bottom of his bed that seemed so familiar, but he just couldn't place it. Was it someone from the CIA? No. Before then? College? No. High school? No…how much further do I have to go back? As soon as she spoke, it hit him in the face like a ten-tonne truck.
"Sheldon…"
"Oh. My. Christ. Mom?" he just stared at her completely stunned, it felt as if someone had kicked him in the chest, he just couldn't breathe…
She just looked at him, not moving, not saying anything more, as if she was trying to absorb everything about him. "Ok, I'm going to freak right out!" he had heard of the side effects of drugs, flashbacks and all that, but it hadn't bothered him when he was a college student…
He opened his mouth to speak again, but was interrupted before he could start. "Sheldon, what the hell happened?" It's hard to place the tone, it's angry, yes it's definitely angry-he'd heard that enough times in his life to be able to pick up on it straight away-but what was the other thing? Disappointment?
If he had eyes, they would be shifting from side to side at the moment trying to avoid the awkward question. "What do you mean? The eyes?" He asked, as he raised his hand and made a move to touch the place where his eyes used to be. "No" She said simply, shaking her head a little. "The boy that I used to know was kind and sweet, and fun-loving, always smiling…what happened to him?" Suddenly Sands jumped up from the bed, suddenly very angry, the shock of seeinghis dead mother again, had wore off "like you care, you fucked off and left me when I was just a kid. Preferring to die than to be with me," he was practically yelling by the end, but he didn't care anymore. His hair had fallen in his face, obscuring it slightly, and he was breathing heavily as if he had just run.
She moved towards him "Sheldon, is that what you think?" she was a little shocked at his outburst, and concerned about why he would say what he did "do you think I chose to leave you? That I wanted to? I didn't leave intentionally, it's just…something that happened I guess…" She was standing right in front of him now, and was about to reach out and put her arms around him, when she added soothingly "But I was watching…" "Oh you watched did you?" Sands sneered, too angry to care whether his word were hurting her, he had felt the pain for long enough, it was someone else's turn now, "You watched as foster parents broke my wrists, or beat me because they had a bad day. Did you enjoy the show? Should I have screamed more? Or cried more?" He looked wild, his fists were clenched and his lips were curled back in a snarl, "should I have called for my mommy more? Not that it would have made any difference, it's not as if you came, is it! By now, he was breathing heavily again; his legs gave out from underneath him and he sank to his knees, he was sitting on the floor, leaning heavily against the bed, and was sobbing. This only made him more frustrated, he was a grown man with no eyes, and was crying-if it could be called that-like a little schoolgirl.
Is mother was standing above him and she hesitated only a moment before crouching down next to him and sweeping the hair away from his face and taking him into a hug. As she settled onto the floor next to Sands, she pulled him closer still, so that his head rested on her shoulder, she closed her eyes, as if trying to block out the pain, of missing out on her son's life.
"It went so wrong mom, it was supposed to be like this" he muttered into her shoulder. She tilted his head up so that she could see his face and the sheer honesty on it broke her heart. "I know, baby, it wasn't supposed to be this way, we were supposed to be a family, you were supposed to be a doctor, or a lawyer. Sheldon, there are things…" Sands interrupted, "please mom, don't…" "No, Sheldon, I may not have been here when you were growing up, and I know that you had a lot to deal with, and I'm truly sorry for that, really I am, but it doesn't excuse your actions…how many people have you killed? How many people are missing loved ones because they got in your way? I love you unconditionally, of course I do, I'm your mother, but this is still hard for me to bear…and this is something that you'll have to square with one day." Sands tried to pull away, he didn't want to hear this, ever since he could remember, all he had wanted as a child, was his mom back, and now that she was here, she was telling him that she didn't like him-oh yes, she loved him(only because she had to), but as a person she thought he was despicable. "Mom, please…I'm sorry, I didn't mean too…" This earned him a look of disbelief "Sheldon, I may be dead, but I'm not a bloody idiot!" Sands laughed at this. "But having said that, I am very proud of the way that you've handled this" She brushed her hand over the place where his eyes were previously housed "not many would have coped with it as well as you-and not many would have gone on to shoot three people" "four Sands automatically corrected" "Oh yes, the oh so charming Ajedrez, how could I forget her?" She frowned "Well perhaps now you can see people for the way they really are, and not be blinded by beauty." "I have no eyes, I wont be able to see anybody, and although she was beautiful, and had a part to play in the loss of my favourite pair of eyeballs, it was actually a rather old and wrinkled man that did the blinding!" Sands said sarcastically, but not in an aggressive manner, more jovial, and he was smiling, if only a small little half grin. "Perhaps so, but you'll still be able to see what a person is really like, in here" she tapped her finger on his chest "listen to what you're senses are telling you, we have five for a reason."
"Sheldon, you know that there is no where I would rather be than here with you, I would give anything to be here with you for Christmas, when you got married and had your first child, but I cant be. I have to go back, I've already been here to long. But just know that I love you very much, and I'll be watching over you." She was even starting to fade as she said this. "Pease wait!" Sands asked a little panicky "answer me this, why did you kill yourself?" he seemed genuinely curious to know the answer, but his mother was shocked by the question "is that what you think? That I killed myself?" "No…" Sands replied, a little unsure "that was what I was told…" "I didn't commit suicide, your father shot me!" she said angrily "WHAT!" Sands asked shocked. His mother squeezed her eyes shut before opening one, and saw that he was still there, looking at her questioningly and awaiting an answer "oh crap…yes, it's true, it was an accident we were arguing and one thing lead to another…bob's your uncle, fanny's your aunt…I think you're old enough to work out what happened next." Sands' face darkened "Sheldon, hunny, he didn't mean it, it was an accident." "but he's still alive" Sands asked through gritted teeth "yes" she replied reluctantly "and…he never bothered to…come and see me…" the old feelings from Sands' childhood were beginning to rise up inside him…hate, loneliness, the feeling of abandonment…his jaw clenched. "Sheldon, it was a long time ago, I've forgiven him, you need to as well, he didn't know what he was doing, he was a mess at the time, drink and drugs, you name it he was taking it. Don't be angry, it wont do you any good." Angry? Angry didn't even begin to cover what he was feeling. "You mean that THIS, all of this" he spat out "is all HIS fault. Every bad thing that has happened in my life has been as a result of him." She reached out and pushed the hair out of his face again "Not everything bad was a result of him, not for me anyway, he gave me you" she said, with a simple smile.
He had failed to notice, but now his mother was practically transparent and she continued to fade. He tried to stand up and move towards he, but as he did, he tripped on something he had left on the floor and fell, just as he landed on the floor again, everything went pitch black. Had he imagined it? He wasn't quite sure, but he'd find out soon enough…
There will definitely be one more chapter, I've written part of it, please be patient and I'll finish as soon as I can. In the meantime you could review this chapter :-)
Thank you all again.