This Lily and James story has been a little less Lily & James of late. So enjoy these posts, and bask in drama.
::Spreads fairy dust:: Love ya. --M.
Updated: 12/2/04.
Page 239. "Sage is burned and observed by centaurs to refine the results of their stargazing." Lily tried to focus on her Herbology text. The professor had been quoting from the page the entire class hour. Why couldn't Lily concentrate?
Well. She was kidding herself; she knew why.
She knew exactly why she couldn't focus. And that reason came in the shape of a handsome, hazel-eyed boy with silver-framed glasses and a pained, reserved look on his face. His black hair was an absolute mess, but not sticking out as usual, his his Jamesish-way. He didn't even attempt to rumple it, like he always did to get that just-got-off-my-broom look. It was flatter, somehow.
James Potter's hair was flat.
While this was nothing to alert the media about, Lily did find it irksome. And she could feel his eyes burning a hole through the back of her red hair, and straight through the back of her scalp. And this wasn't the first time. He'd been doing it all week. Lily pretended not to notice, but she couldn't help it. It was a repetitive routine: James would glance at her in class, and just when she'd catch his tired eyes, he'd instantly turn away, focusing on some spot on the wall. She couldn't help that he was always around, and she wished his presence didn't fill her thoughts as much as it did.
She had to talk to him, she decided. Lily wanted to talk to him. She wondered if that was a good idea. She wondered what she would say. She wondered if he wanted to even talk to her, and if it did, what would he say?
Lily threw down her quill and crossed her arms. She'd been thinking about doing this ever since The Break-Up, but always convinced herself out of it. What would she say? I mean, I broke it off with him so fast, he didn't see what was coming, she thought. My pathetic explanation (about how I needed space because my parents were splitting and I was getting busy) couldn't be it. The End. They hadn't spoken in days, or a week and a half, she couldn't remember. Sure. She missed him. She glanced subtly over her shoulder.
If only he'd stop looking at me! she thought in vain, wanting to scream in the otherwise silent classroom.
That's it, she decided while a fellow student answered a posed question about grindylows or something. I'm going to talk to him. I think he'll listen. It'll be good if we talk, for both of us, to really evaluate what's happened. It'll be good, she convinced herself, feeling a bit lighter. We'll talk, we'll get everything out, and then we'll be James and Lily again, which is what I need right now. It'll be fine. Great.
Lily tried again to focus on whatever it was the professor was rambling on about, and looked down at the same sentence she was sure she'd read about eleven times by now. Page 239. Sage is burned and observed by centaurs…
………
"You wanted to talk?" James asked with a hand buried in his jacket pocket, the other holding up the note Lily had passed him, asking him to meet her here, outside in the snow-covered Quidditch pitch. He had a scarf tied securely around his neck, and Lily suddenly wished she'd remember to wear hers. Instead, she just wore her sweater and cloak, and was fairly frigid, while James was smart enough to wear a warm jacket and looked quite snug.
In the last two classes, and while walking down the hall, and in the dormroom getting her coat, she thought over and over about what she wanted to say. About how, though her priorities were changing now and she had decided to end things between them, she didn't want them to become estranged, and still wanted him to be her James, her best friend. How, she didn't know it at first, but she needed his help, support…or just for him to be there for her, because sooner or later, Lily knew she was going to break.
She didn't remember any of that now as she faced him. Him and his expectant, I-just-want-to-get-out-of-here expression.
"Well?" James's breath came out white and now both hands were jammed in his pockets.
Lily swallowed, her dry cold lips threatening to crack and bleed. "I thought we could…talk." Duh. Obvious. But it seemed too late to ask How are you? or exchange pleasantries. She paused to take a slow breath, then, "There are some unresolved—Well, I sort of thought that the way—The thing is, I mean…"
Seconds seemed like hours as she tried to think of the speech she'd rehearsed, talking with her hands. And James didn't interrupt, didn't finish any of her sentences like he would if this had been two or three weeks ago, didn't tell her he understood. James wasn't going to rescue her. He was going to let her squirm in her own guilt.
Finally, she got a hold of her thoughts and tongue. "I asked you to meet me because I think I owe you an explanation. A proper one."
Through her clothes, Lily could feel the cold sun, bright and harsh, yet not the slightest bit comforting in the blistering chill.
James scoffed, which nearly echoed in the bleak, white, and abandoned Quidditch pitch. "You don't owe me any explanation."
Lily went on in a rush. "It's not that I don't love you, it's just…it's completely complicated—"
"Lil," James used her name for the first time so far, "Don't. I said—"
"Everything is all screwed up." Lily paused to swallow the hard knot in her throat. "And I-I don't know how to handle the situation. If you—Try to see it from my point of view—"
"Stop it, Lily." James straightened, looking straight through her, Lily was sure. His expression was unreadable, especially for someone who could read him as well as Lily. But his cold voice gave it all away. He wasn't upset or angry.
He was boiling furious. "I'm not exactly in the best of spirits to be talking about why you broke my heart, or how 'you and I' are an absolute mess."
Lily knew he was enraged, but frankly, she didn't give a damn. She could flare just as hot a temper and wasn't about to back down now. "Then why did you agree to come see me? Why didn't you just let me wait here and freeze?"
James's livid expression slipped for a few seconds—long enough for Lily to notice—and kicked at the crunching snow beneath his feet. With obvious reluctance, he said, "Because I thought that maybe…you were ready to open up to somebody—open up to me—about everything. That you were finally going to let someone in. But now I see you're just making up half-ass excuses to ease your conscience."
"I'm not doing anything like—" Lily fleetingly stopped to pull herself together. "James. I just wanted to see if we could still be friends, that's all. Best friends, the way it used to be." Lily would not show the tears fighting with her to show. She wouldn't. Her pride wouldn't allow it.
Looking up, behind half-blurred eyes, Lily could see that what she said wasn't what James wanted to hear.
He looked away from her, like he couldn't believe what he was going to say, but knew it had to be said. "No."
No?
He shook his head, and began to turn to leave. "I don't want to finish this conversation."
Lily grabbed his arm, and pulled him around to face her. "You are not going to say something like that and not explain."
James's hazel eyes narrowed. "So it's alright for you, but not for me?"
Whoa, low blow. "James, that's not fair," Lily was trying so hard not to let her voice weaken audibly.
"Sorry," he said, not sounding too sorry at all. "But Lil, I don't want to be just your friend. It'd be half a lie. And…well, who wants the gift wrapping without the present, right?"
Lily was taken aback, her suspended breath getting whiter and heavier in the cold air. "Was that all our friendship was to you?"
"No, of course not. But that's how it'll be now. After we've gotten…close."
She turned to look all around her, half-expecting herself to wake up from his surreal dream, or a camera crew to pop out from behind the corner bleachers and yell Gotcha! Don't cry. Don't cry, Lily. "I can't believe you, James. Just when I need you. I really thought you were—"
He stepped up. "Don't even think about spinning this on me, Lily. You left me, remember? Like I was just 'some guy.' No explanation, no anything. You don't look at me, you don't talk to me at all, you ignore everyone around you. Cut me off." James now took a step back, looked down, and for a moment he looked like he forgot he was outside, forgot that it was twenty degrees. His eyes returned to hers. "After all this time, now you come and decide to remember me. What am I supposed to say to that?"
She felt it. She felt her cheeks burn, and her nose prickle. Don't you dare. Not here. "I know, James," Lily pleaded. She knew now that she'd treated him badly, that her own problems were not an excuse to mistreat those around her. That's what she was trying to say, to make amends. "You're mad, I get it. You have the right to be. But I'm trying to make things right, James—"
"Because now you feel guilty? You should."
Lily let out a frustrated groan. "Why can't you just understand? You have no idea what I'm going through—"
"Because you never talk about it!" he yelled at her, one of the only times Lily could remember James yelling at her. As friends, sure, they fought over everything, but now… He was mad, and had never yelled at her like that. "How am I going to even begin to understand anything if you won't just talk to me?" James ran a hand through his hair. It seemed like it was hard for him to even talk about this. "Honestly Lils, if you needed space, time, help, support…hell, if you needed the bloody sun and moon, I would've given it to you. If that's what you needed. I wouldn't have thought twice, it would've been yours."
He reached for her hand, Lily was aware, but then he thought the better of it and kept his arms at his sides. "But not now. Cast me off and break my heart, and suddenly you want to come out and play?" He said the following words, obviously meaning each one. "Not good enough for me, Lilys. Not even close."
…
An hour later, Lily was still sitting on the cold, hard bleacher, her tear-stained cheek turning to frost, her cloak not nearly keeping her warm enough. Arms wrapped around her, she felt her broken heart beat stubbornly beneath her chest. What she wouldn't do for forgiveness, for comfort.
Her bottom lip was still quivering, as it had been for the past hour. But he wasn't sure anymore if it was from emotion, or chattering teeth. Frankly, it didn't matter. More tears stung her dry frozen eyes.
Just cry, Lily. It's okay to fall apart sometimes.
----
I'm not afraid of anything
I just need to know that i can breathe
I don't need much of anything
But suddenly, suddenly
I am small and the world is big
All around me is fast moving
Surrounded by so many things
But suddenly, suddenly
Chorus
How does it feel, to be different from me?
Are we the same?
How does it feel, to be different from me?
Are we the same?
How does it feel?
I'm young, and I am free
But I get tired, and I get weak
I get lost, and I can't sleep
But suddenly, suddenly
Chorus
Bridge
Would you comfort me
Would you cry with me;
Ahh, ahh, ahh-ah
ahh, ahh-ah
ahh, ahh-ah
ahh, ahh-ah
Ahh, ahh, ahh-ah
ahh, ahh-ah
ahh, ahh-ah
ahh, ahh-ah
I am small and the world is big
But I'm not afraid of anything;
Chorus x2
Ending (background)
How does it feel x2
Different from me, different...
(ahh, ahh, ahh-ah;
ahh-ah,
ahh-ah,
ahh, ahh, ahh-ah;
ahh-ah,
ahh-ah)
---
She felt terrible, and forgotten. Alone and small.
Holler. Shout-out time.
Sam—You rock for replying first. And those virtual cookies and milk? Ah, forget about it. YOU CAN HAVE SOME ANYTIME. LooooL. Ain't I generous? LoL. Luv ya.
Keeks—Oh um…he's in the mail? LoL. And Remus can't kill Sirius for innocent flirting with Linda. Linda's not his anymore, and he has to accept that. (::Holds "Go Sirius!" sign up high::)
Kaitlyn—God, between you and me, and all the other girls 'round these parts, I can't tell who loves Sirius more! LoL. ….::whispers:: I'll fight you for him. ::giggles:: Love you lots, you hawt hawt Hen you. LoL.
Kirsten—no, I don't think they're that expensive. I bought a twenty dollar kit (which came with EVERYTHING), and got all my pics together. Oh! I'm going downtown tomorrow with my friends—and during christmas, it's soo nice!—and I'm bringing my camera. ::Giggles:: I love pictures. Anywho, thanks for replying darlin', and have fun sifting through pics.
April—"May all your Siriusly happy dreams come true!" DITTO, and I think it is so funny that "Siriusly" has become a verb with us. LoooL. Just hysterical to me. And you think you get excited when there's more chapters to read? I get sooo excited reading your replies, it's so not even funny. ::Hugs::
Paddy--::Holds breath:: ARE YOU SERIOUS??? You support the Sirius/Linda path I've taken? ::Holds Paddy close:: ::pulls Kaitlyn in too:: Thank you! That means…-wipes away tear- so much. LoL. MORE COOKIES FOR YOU!
Laurel—I saw you IM me, but you signed off before I could IM you back! I'm sorry, I was off making hot cocoa and didn't get a chance to put on my away message. Anywho, if you ever see me online again, IM me! I wanna talk to you. And he-ey! Sugar cookies? Rock on.
Amanda—Again. Love your story-replies. So amusing to read about Amanda's Life. Oh, and about the cheesey "Ooooooh"s when someone on Saved by the bell or something kisses. SERIOUSLY. What's up with that? Now, if he copped a feel, I can understand the Oooh-worthiness….LoL, j/k. Well, sorta. LoL. "Mischa Barton looks like a duck."—I so agree!!
Lyr942—Gr. Stupid I didn't get the link, it never showed. Can you email it to me? My email is in my profile. Thanks anyway, doll.
Lacey—LoooL, you're all predicting what's going to happen. But can't tell ya! You have to just wait and see. ::winks::
Pia—Aww thanks! And ::sigh:: breakups are just a part of fanfiction life. ::Nods:: But don't worry. You never know when things are going to pick up. ::Strolls along jauntily:: Tee hee.
Kelly—was your reply longer than it showed? Because it seemed like there was more or something. Maybe I'm wrong. Anywho. Your quote: Yeah you WOULD quote a Sirius line. LoooL. You cutie, you.
Kelli—Don't worry, things will be clear in no time. Well, maybe some time.
Missy--::Hugs:: I miss you, I swear! Why do we keep 'just missing' each other?? LoL and you quoted the one line that is so Me. The be kind, rewind thing. Oh, you know me so well, doll. And I'm so glad you support the S/L stuff. Not that anything's going to happen there, but it's good to know you don't hate it. LOVE YA. Hugs and kisses.
Vick—LoL, the "thing." Ever watch the Nanny? When Niles was always like 'I have to find out what the Thing is!" LoL, I dunno, it just reminded me of that. And don't bite your nails! I just got over my 17-year habit. My nails are growing now, and actually look semi-cute. ::Looks around:: Hey Sirius, check me out. ::Wiggles eyebrows:: LoL, IGNORE ME. I'm hyped up on coffee. So what's up??
Meg—LooooL, you funny chica. Yeah, that was the story of Dennis. And Marius? He's around here somewhere. I think with Missy or Kelly. Week got stressed huh? Sucks when that happens. Hope you're chilling and relaxing now, though! ::Offers basket of sweets::
KATIE—OMG, YOU'RE HERE! And I sooooo remember you, don't think you're forgotten! And Can you have a Sirius? Honey, you can have anything you want, I am that glad you're here. Stick around, and IM me at ahem605. What's your sn? We need to talk. Hugs and kisses, dahling.
Love you guys so much, and I hope to update reaaallllyyy soon, because I've got lots to get done. Only thing is, I got exams this coming week or two, but hopefully I can get it all done. Love you again, and reply and say hi! Hugs, Meeeha.