I sooo did not mean to wait this long before updating. What's it been, like 3, 4 weeks? I suck. Anywho, love you guys, thanks for being patient, and there are reviews at the end. And a couple of songs in the middle. Love ya. Enjoy.
P.s. This is my first update of 2005! (And it's the day I got my license!! Double exclamation!!)
Last update: December 29th, 2004
This chapter update: January 25th (actually 26th, since it's past midnight, but WHATEVER).
Petunia found the body.
---
On the morning of December 25th, children worldwide were sneaking downstairs in the hopes of glimpsing their long-awaited presents underneath the Christmas tree, perhaps searching for a trace of Santa Clause.
But for Lily Evans, Christmas would always mean the day her mother died.
----
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil, for thou art with me.
What was the hardest part? Planning the funeral, driving to the funeral, or right now: being at the funeral?
Lily would put her money on the right now. This was definitely the hardest. Picking out her mother's coffin and thinking about which one she'd like best; steaming her black dress and pinning back her hair and inventing a million little meaningless details in preparation for the event and to keep her mind off the ache; sitting in the deafening silent car with her father and Petunia, while she sat alone in the backseat. Her mind had echoed with hollow thoughts. It echoed still.
Every moment since she'd found out about her mother had been her own hell, each moment harder to get through than the last.
Lily would never forget… She had fainted. When she woke up, she was on the kitchen floor at the Potters', and a houseelf was propping her up, trying to wake her. No sooner than she had opened her eyes… there was a scream. But it wasn't who had screamed before she'd passed out. This was different. A throaty, blood-curdling scream. She would later find out it was Petunia, next door.
Petunia had returned from her date with Vernon, and then went to her parents' bedroom to return the earrings she had borrowed from the vanity. She found her limp mother sprawled on the floor. It was Petunia who found the body.
Lily would never forget how she found out. Staggering home with her father and maybe a handful of people behind her (it might have been James and the others. It didn't matter). The vision of her kneeling sister's bony arms holding onto the limp body of Rose Evans in her lap; Petunia was sobbing into her mother's shoulder, holding onto her like death.
But here—here at the funeral. This is where…it was all sinking in. Where the curtain Lily had drawn to keep herself from seeing the harsh reality was being pulled back slowly, but never slow enough. The funeral itself looked just like a painting from afar. Each stroke soft and dim.
It was as if drawn from lines of a poem. Everyone dressed in black of course. But so did the sky. The grass and trees. The storm clouds overhead. They all looked like they were covered in ash. Dressed for the occasion.
It might've been morning, but everything was dark, robbed of nearly all color. Black or white.
A bouquet of overly-bloomed white roses lay on the ebony coffin Lily's mother lied in. The black umbrellas everyone held were being beaten down by unfeeling rain that showered like ice in this grey December.
The only color besides the black, the white and the grey, was in the aching red eyes and faded red lips of Lily's. Her lips were swollen, and her eyes were tired from days of crying.
Her marble tombstone—now covered in streaming raindrops—read, "Rose Vivienne Evans. Enchanting and Beloved Wife, Mother, and Spirit." Lily wished she could have thought of something better to have engraved. Something that uniquely captured her mother's spirit. But she couldn't. Lily hated the tombstone.
She felt as if she wasn't here. No one really was. The surrealness of it all…it made her head light and dizzy. Like the slightest wind could knock her over, and she was getting cold, she thought, in her now damp clothes. The icyness in the air bit at her.
It took a few minutes for Lily to realize that James was standing next to her, holding her hand. She didn't know how long he had been there, holding her hand. Somehow, her heart ached more.
Just breathe, a thought somewhere told her. Ever since … each breath was getting harder. Each moment more difficult than the last. Just getting through the day made her want to hide and cry.
An over-whelming emotion plagued Lily's thoughts, one she couldn't put into words. It was a terrible gut feeling that everything now was and would always be colorless. Tomorrow didn't matter. Tomorrow didn't exist. Life would never move beyond this moment, this rainy place. Her funeral. She was forced to relive this moment everytime she'd think of calling her mother, and remember she couldn't.
Her mother was dead.
She was dead.
Mom died.
These words didn't hold a grasping meaning in Lily's head because, in to Lily, they represented a concept she had never known before. Yet, the cursed words forcefully stuck with her.
Bile rose halfway, burning. That heavy knot in her throat she felt would always be there. Stuck with her, here in time. Heavy, filled with unshed tears. Unheard cries. Unbroken vases smashed against the wall.
The service was ending, she acknowledged somewhere in her mind. Alright, it finished, she was sure. She could tell now because she felt everyone's awkward discomfort, and intense pity and sympathy. While it was a comfort, it also sickened her.
A white rose she held in her hand (the hand that James was not holding) since after dawn was quickly edging with brown. But she wouldn't put it on the coffin. It would be saying goodbye, and she wasn't ready to make this all real. And she wouldn't give her mother a brown flower. She couldn't.
The petals were slipping off quietly, making a little brownish white pile on the deadened grass.
The crowd was thinning now… people were drifting away. But rather than caring, her eyes simply followed her mother being lowered slowly. In the ground, in the dirt. Six feet under.
Her lip quivered. She wanted to call out to her mother. No voice came out.
Oh God, how much she was missing her.
Calling All Angels
Santa Maria, Santa Teresa, Santa Anna, Santa Susannah
Santa Cecilia, Santa Copelia, Santa Domenica, Mary Angelica
Frater Achad, Frater Pietro, Julianus, Petronilla
Santa, Santos, Miroslaw, Vladimir
and all the rest
Oh,
a man is placed upon the steps, a baby cries
and high above the church bells start to ring
and as the heaviness the body oh the heaviness settles in
somewhere you can hear a mother sing
then it's one foot then the other as you step out onto the road
how much weight? how much weight?
then it's how long? and how far?
and how many times before it's too late?
calling all angels calling all angels
walk me through this one
don't leave me alone
calling all angels calling all angels
we're cryin' and we're hurtin'
and we're not sure why...
and every day you gaze upon the sunset
with such love and intensity
it's almost...it's almost as if ...
if you could only crack the code
then you'd finally understand what this all means
but if you could...do you think you would
trade in all the pain and suffering?
ah, but then you'd miss
the beauty of the light upon this earth
and the sweetness of the leaving
calling all angels calling all angels
walk me through this one
don't leave me alone
callin' all angels callin' all angels
we're tryin' we're hopin'
we're hurtin' we're lovin'
we're cryin' we're callin'because we're not sure how this goes
"Lily," her father whispered near her. His voice was weak, though not completely gone as Lily's seemed to be at the moment. "Come with me, darling. Don't stay."
The Wake was nearly as unbearable as the funeral. Back in the house, without her—without Mom. Lily held a glass of water in her hand, and more than once wanted to shatter it between her fingers, sick of hearing "I'm so sorry" from the guests. Her mom was dead. No amount of feeling sorry was going to bring her back. She appreciated everyone's sentiment, but was just so tired.
Wishing she was anywhere but here.
---
James searched around. Where was she? He understood if Lily needed to get away from everything right now—from the people and the condolences and the caterers and a wailing Petunia and her too-quiet father and the constant reminder of her dead mother and the wake. But that didn't mean he wanted her to be alone just now.
So, after checking the rooms upstairs, the closets big enough to fit her, the dining room and the laundry room, he chanced to see a redhead standing on the Evans' back porch without a coat. Staring out passed the yard.
Grabbing an extra jacket, he slowly stepped out onto the porch, hesitating. "Lily?" he stepped closer to her. Her arms were wrapped around her to keep warm. "Lil?" James spoke softly. Moving even closer, he draped her jacket over her shoulders. "What are you doing out here?" he asked gently.
She kept her eyes ahead, arms still folded. "I'm thinking."
James, having no idea what else to do, did the only thing that seemed to make sense between them at the moment. He put his arm around her waist, and pulled her close to him into a tight warm hug.
She took a few long, deep breaths. Lily looked ahead of her concentratedly, focused, but in a way that told him her eyes weren't really seeing anything real in front of her. Like looking into a scene of the past. Her lips' ends curled slightly upwards, as she remembered a warm, safe memory.
"You know," she started, feeling that knot in her throat again, "I-I remember the way that her hair felt on my cheek. When I was a child—like five, or six, maybe. And she bent down to kiss me goodnight. She'd whisper 'Happy dreams' and her smile was like…like peppermint." Lily's felt her already weak voice waver, and her eyes stung. "I can still hear the hum of her voice when she sang me to sleep, or when she was doing chores."
James tightened his arms around her. "It's good that you have those memories, so you can always remember her."
"That's just it," Lily pointed out, surrender in her tone. "I won't have those memories soon. I mean, I'll forget. I'll forget her hair and her kisses. I'll forget her smiles and her voice." Lily shivered, getting colder. She felt six years old again. Mommy gone, and her alone.
James furrowed his eyebrows, but Lily couldn't see, with her head to his chest and beneath his chin. "You won't forget," he told her firmly.
Lily shook her head from right to left slightly. "It's all a matter of time, really. Everyone forgets."
Just then, without any warning at all, Lily felt the unshed tears from that blasted knot in her throat suddenly pour from her eyes and down her cheeks. Crying again. Crying so much of late she barely realized when she did it.
The sun was setting—early, as it did during these winter months. Even behind her tear-filled eyes, Lily could just make out only the moon in the sky. Her mother was dead—the thought resonated in her mind. The world was over, that she knew. And she knew that for tonight atleast, the night would wear a starless sky.
Slipped Away
Na Na Na-na na Na Na
I miss you, miss you so bad
I don't forget you, oh it's so sad
I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly
The day you slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same
Ooooh
Nah nah la la la nah nah
I didn't get around to kiss you
Goodbye on the hand
I wish that I could see you again
I know that I can't
Oooooh
I hope you can hear me cause I remember it clearly
The day you slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same
Ooooh
I had my wake up
Won't you wake up
I keep asking why
And I can't take it
It wasn't fake
It happened, you passed by
Now your gone, now your gone
There you go, there you go
Somewhere I can't bring you backNow your gone, now your gone
There you go, there you go,
Somewhere your not coming back
The day you slipped away
Was the day i found it won't be the same noo..
The say you slipped away
Was the day that i found it won't be the same oooh...
Nah nah, nah nah nah, nah nah
I miss you
- - -
Back inside, at the Wake…
Hidden covertly in a corner was Sirius, Remus, and Amelia. Linda was keeping herself busy helping, and seemed to just blur by.
"Anyone else feel," Sirius asked as he leaned against the wall, loosening his tie with his free hand as his other was holding a glass of gin. He kept his voice low so the guests and family didn't hear. "like we're intruding?"
A sad Amelia slouched in her seat. "I feel so awfully guilty. I want to help, but I don't know what to do. And why don't I feel sadder? I want to, but I didn't really know her."
"None of us really did," Remus chimed in. "Just met her a couple of times. I'm worried about Lily, though."
"We all are," agreed Amelia. "Don't you think we should be doing something?"
"I don't know about you, but I've a sudden urge to go home and spend the evening with my mother. And hug her," said Remus.
"I meant should we be doing something here?"
Sirius straightened his back against the wall. "That's the catch about these sort of things. Nobody ever knows what to do. They just stand around awkwardly, loosening their ties." He downed the rest of his drink, upset. Then turned to Remus. "Where's Peter? Bloody rude that he didn't come."
Amelia sighed, flummoxed. "Everyone seems to be disappearing today."
"What do you mean?"
She wondered for a moment if she should tell them, but instead of concluding not to, ended up just saying, "Oh, well. I called Reg late, the night of the party, after they found…Um, after Petunia got home…and well, you know. The whole thing was so shocking and just…fucked up, really. I didn't know what to do, so I called Reg." She took a sip of her drink. "But he wasn't home."
Sirius shifted uncomfortabley, as he always did when his brother was brought into the conversation, but this time he couldn't find energy to hate him. Instead Remus shrugged and said, "He might've stepped out. No need to get worried; it doesn't mean anything."
Amelia bit her lip. Maybe she thought if she mentioned something, one of them—Sirius, perhaps—would know where he was. "Then I called Reg this morning. Twice. To see if he wanted to drive with me to the funeral. He didn't answer." She stared down at the glass of water in her own hand and shook her head, throwing in a way-too-weak smile that was fooling no one. "Couldn't find him."
- - -
Rewind back to the Christmas party, shall we?:
Amelia and Linda sat together at a small table, looking out at the people here tonight (among the crowd, influential people like the Minister of Magic and even the President of Gringott's were here). "Oh my God," Amelia remarked. "Reg's here, I can't believe he made it." She had wondered if he was coming at all. "Would you mind if I left you for awhile?"
Linda shook her head, and told her to take her time.
Amelia greeted Reg with her arms around his neck and a kiss on his lips. "Hey, you," he said to her when they pulled away, rather reluctantly. Reg leaned in for another kiss, but was rejected and denied.
Amelia put her hands down. "You're late."
He pursed his lips, then smiled quicky. "Oh, I just got caught up with Lucius and the boys for a while, but I made it, didn't I?"
"Yes, you did. Late," she reminded.
Reg smirked. "Yeah well after hanging out with the guys, I saw my other girlfriend—who, by the way, is terribely demanding with my time—"
"Oh, shut up."
"—Honestly, she won't take no for an answer," Reg teased, trying not to laugh.
"Uh, huh. I'm sure to laugh myself into a seizure any second now." She playfully hit him in the shoulder, but he caught her wrist, and pulled her closer, looking adoringly at her. There was a meaningful look in his eyes. After silent moments, Reg cleared his throat and looked away.
All of a sudden, the air wasn't so playful, and was just a bit more serious. Hesitantly, like the breath caught in his throat, he looked down at his hands in hers. "I-I um," he kept his eyes down, "I have to tell you something."
Amelia took a few seconds in silence, then forced him to look into her eyes, which were full of adoration and fear and happiness and comprehension. "I have something to tell you, too." Smiling, she added, "Something long overdue."
Reg smiled weakly and led her to a corner of the party, away from people enough so that they couldn't hear, which was all the privacy the two of them were going to get tonight. "You go first, by all means."
Amelia, with any courage she could muster, started with her tongue in knots–which she didn't recommend to anyone. "Well," she tightened her grip on his hands. "You said something to me once. Something huge, something so wonderful. You told me you loved me."
Reg shifted, and straightened his shoulders. "Um, I did."
Amelia continued. She thought she might be babbling, but didn't care. "And up until now, I wasn't sure how I really felt for you. I mean, I didn't know. And I'm so sorry it took me this long to realize it, but for a while I was beginning to not even believe in love, but you're just so–"
Now his grip tightened on her own fingers. For him, the conversation just got very interesting. His voice was low, but swift. Hushed, but uplifted. "Are you saying you love me?"
Amelia's beaming smile answered the question. Tonight, he thought, she looks so beautiful. "I love you, Reg," Amelia told him. Finally.
On the outside, he couldn't help but let a small laugh escape him, beyond happy. She loved him. She was in love with me. It was what he had been waiting for. What was keeping him holding on.
But in a fell swoop—at the speed of a wrong thought—Reg fell apart inside. The words he most wanted to hear from her...at the time he least wanted to hear them. "Now you tell me," he whispered to himself.
Amelia blinked, not quite out of her reverie. "Excuse me?"
"I said, Darling are you sure?" he recovered.
"Of course I'm sure."
He leaned in, kissed her briefly and softly on the lips. She loved him. "Now it's my turn to tell you something."
"What is it?" Amelia asked, probably not even paying real attention, since she was most likely on Cloud Nine, as she ran her fingers back and forth across Reg's palm.
Reg couldn't meet her gaze, so he kept them determinedly down, watching her fingers affectionately run across his palm. "You know how," Reg already sounded as if the words were hard to find, and hard as hell to say. He knew himself he didn't want to say them at all, ever, but…there was nothing else he could do. There was no staying now. "You know how much I love you. I mean, I think you do. I hope you do. And I realize now I've made some," he laughed bitterly to himself, "some fucked-up mistakes. With my life. With everything. With you."
Hethought of his ties with Voldemorte, his supposed allies, the shit he was getting himself into. And most bitterly, he thought of the things--the magical things--he'd done to Amelia to make her feel for him. And here she was, saying she loved him, and it wasn't because of any spell he put on her. It was one of the few moments, right now, where Regulus truly hated himself.
Amelia's fingers went still. Now they just covered his, on her lap. "What are you talking about, Reg?" she asked, confused.
"I've just screwed up everything, Mel. And I know I might not have shown you the way I feel about you like I should have—but please believe…I do love you. Always."
Amelia tried to hold back an expression of sheer panic. What was he saying?
"I've done things you couldn't possibly imagined," he confessed in a self-loathing whisper. "And things I would be too ashamed to have you know of me."
"What things?"
"I like to think maybe if I'm a bit better now, it's because of you. But there's still a part of me you don't know about, that I'd be too afraid to tell you. So I won't."
Amelia grabbed his hands from her lap again. "So what are you telling me, Reg? I don't like playing a guessing game."
A long second or two passed, then he shook his head. "I'm leaving now. Going. But I'm coming back." I hope, he added to himself.
"You're leaving already? But you only just got here—"
A houseelf came just then, and tugged on Amelia's skirt. "Miss Lily's been found, miss, fainted on the floor. Come, please," she insisted.
Before the little houseelf could drag Amelia away, Reg grabbed her by the waist and met her lips with his, making the most of it, and the last few seconds he had with her before he left.
---
Back to the Present:
"I called Reg this morning. Twice..." Amelia stared down at the glass of water in her own hand and shook her head, throwing in a way-too-weak smile that was fooling no one. "Couldn't find him."
Authoress's notes:
1. In the first song Calling all Angels (by Jane Siberry by the way), there's a line that says "Somewhere you can hear a mother sing…" I didn't realize til just now how perfectly it worked with the previous passages, considering Lily was talking about her mother's voice and singing her to sleep. SO. Download the song. It is just one of the best, I swear. You can listen to it at www. Janesibbery. com and go to mp3s. It's from the "When I was a Boy" album.
2. The second song was Avril's "Slipped Away." I heard it on 'Searching for David's Heart' and immediately fell in love with it. You can listen to the full song at www . avril-lavigne. com. Click on Music, and Slipped Away will be there. Sidenote: This is the second song of Avril's I've used for Lily, (and I'm sure it's not the last).
3. I understand that this chapter is quite a bit more sad-as-hell compared to others, but I promise I am definitely not keeping it morbid and crying all the time. Thanks for bearing with me, you lovely, lovely people. ::bribes with cookies::
Ok, I have to make these shout-outs quick because it's half past midnight, and I still haven't done the work for any of my classes:
Pia—LoL, I laughed at how you mentioned Lily's poor dead mum, then the next line was "James is hot. Period." So random. Love it! And thanks!!
Miss Kaitlyn Peaches—I don't even have to say how much I love your reviews. Just goes without saying. Ok so our new mission, or revised one: Find a James/Sirius/Remus/Luke/Jason/J.R/Logan type guy. Sure. That'll be easy to find. ::Joins convent:: LOVE YOU. And I think I'm writing some L/S scenes next. ::Winks:: Just fer you.
Laurel—So how's it feel to be 18??? Hope you like the Legal Age. Love ya lots.
Xyzabc—I'm so glad you got to finish reading. Do you have a sn on AIM? What's your name? Sorry if this is stalker-material questions; I just always like talking to you guys on AIM and stuff.
Kelly—We ALL want a boy-next-door! It's no wonder I want a Jason. Mraz, that is. LoL.
Kelly (Sweety5271)—Did I tell you my sn is ahem605? Probably. I feel like I've said it so many times to everyone, I'm a broken record. IM me if you see me online!
Kelli—A w w w w ! Tee hee. Do I deserve all those spaced-out Awws? I think I nearly blushed reading your review—you're gonna make my head big. And I know I'm evil. It's how I replace not having a Sirius of my very own. LoL. Love ya.
Hayley (Lyr942)—I know, that pic is still amazing. I've had it for like 2 months now, and just today Kaitlyn and I were talking about it—and perhaps sneaking peeks. I want a Sirius. NOW. LoL. I found a Sirius fansite before. It rocked. I have to find a way to get links up on this website. ::shakes head:: Anywho, thanks for the pic and reviewing. You rooccckkk. ;)
Kirsten—You should write more! But I know what you mean. About time. Stories are tough to keep up, especially when you got a ton of other things to juggle. But I look forward to seeing if you do write again. Mwa.
Vick—I know, I'm just plain evil. First I throw a parental divorce in Lily's face, she breaks up with James, he hates her for a short while, and just when she thinks things are getting just a bit better again, I kill her mother. But I think things will only get more complicated for Lily Evans later on. ::Winks:: Stay tuned.
Amanda—And I've still got more 'branching out' to do. LoL. In a way, Lily's pain is like Harry's scar. Again, in a way. There's a deep reason behind it, that you'll find out later. But don't worry, you'll found out soon. Btw, your reviews are up their with my fave readings. LoL, you ROCK.
Singing—LoL, yes it IS Tom Riddle who was in Rose's bedroom. Lord Voldy, but she knows him as Tom.
Keeks—that comp still hate you? Did you ever find a hot comp-fixing friend? And YOU BOUGHT THE SECOND SEASON OF BMW?? I am so jealous. ::pouts:: I want seasons 5, 6, and 7. FEENAY!
Katie—Omg I so want a "Gandalf Lives!" sticker. Or a "Sirius lives!" sticker. Just because I'm in denial about that last one, dammit. And what was that request? Could you have "a nice charming gentlemanly type, smart, and good looking i might add, with starry eyes and a soothing voice..." Um, could I????? Tee hee. And YES, I can describe Sirius one more time. I'm sure I'll write so much more on him later.
Sam—got out this chapter like I promised! And what is this 'live happily ever after' business you speak of. Nothing ever happens that easily. ;)
Steph—Just…….::HUGS:: Omg, I just love you. And snickerdoodle cookies? That's it. I'm sending you money. You rock, you rock, you rock. And YES. Death to Precal. I soo hear ya.
Megz—heeeeey. Wow, left you speechless? Seriously, reading things like that TOTALLY makes my day. Lata!
TaralivingindaheartofAmerica—Oooh! A new reader! I'm so glad you like reading L2B. You're not part of the L2B cult/crew. And your friends would think you're a dork, too huh? Well, There is no shame in loving the world of Harry Potter. I'm in college, and I do it. And I plan to do it til I'm old and grey and wearing purple neon shoes. Tee hee.
Missers—HEEEEY! OMG, you always know the "Meha" lines. Like, the ones that I would say rather than the characters. Damn, you just know me so well. LOVE YA.
Wizemunkee—I'm so glad you found it too!!!
Paddy—You want Sirius but Remus on holidays? Hm….maybe we could alternate…LoL. And James on weekends, eh? ::wink, wink::
Breezer—Yeah, I didn't mean to wait so long before updating. But I'm writing more, and hopefully more often. Thanks for reading, honestly, means a lot.
HOPE YOU LIKED THIS CHAPTER (and if not, there's still others to come). Reviews are appreciated, and so are cookies. Tee hee, gigglexgiggle.