(A/N: Well... so... this is sort of like Round III of Jeopardy. That is to say, it's not nearly as interesting as the first part. Not as funny. I don't know. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Maybe the next chapter will improve. But anyway, it's here, so I figured I might as well post it.)

"What is the worst aspect of the game?" Liu Bei asked.

Xiahou Dun snorted. "You have to ask? Shu bias!"

"Ah… right," said Liu Bei. "The best aspect of the game?"

"Killing thousands of worthless peons is pretty fun."

"But not very nice," commented Liu Bei, earning sour looks from Cao Cao and most of Wei. "How do you feel about your character?"

"I want to know what the hell is going on with my character!" exclaimed the one-eyed warrior. "What is this bizarre obsession I have with Guan Yu? Sure I distrust the guy, and don't particularly like him… Oh, fine, maybe I was a little jealous when he was staying with Lord Cao Cao… But still! Why me? Why couldn't I get the standard I-want-to-be-the-best-warrior-I-can-be story like Zhang Liao and Xu Huang? Instead I have to have this weird fixation on Guan Yu…" He fixed an accusatory glare on Liu Bei's brother.

"I think you like him," said Zhang Liao.

"What?" Xiahou Dun whirled to face him. "Oh I see, you're sore over being a frenchy again, so you're taking it out on me!"

"Nothing of the sort," said Zhang Liao. "I'm just telling it as it is. Koei wanted to add more drama, and you're a victim."

While Xiahou Dun had been answering the questionnaire, Sima Yi had been mulling over Zhuge Liang's behavior of the past few minutes. The Wei strategist remarked to Zhou Yu, "It's not like Zhuge Liang to be spiteful towards people over petty rivalries. I think I see what he's up to."

Zhou Yu glared mistrustfully in Zhuge Liang's direction. "Of course he's up to something! He's always up to something. I'll bet he's found a way to mess with our answers."

"What?" Liu Bei turned towards them. "What do you mean? Are you still angry over that poem, you two? Listen, I'm writing down your replies exactly as you say them. Kongming can't possibly be altering your answers."

"Oh yes he is!" declared Sima Yi. "He's trying to make us vote him out of the next Dynasty Warriors!"

"Good! Let's!" exclaimed Cao Cao.

Zhou Yu was confused. "Why would he want to be out of the game?"

"Because he's not as great in it as he was in the novel," sneered Sima Yi.

Zhuge Liang shook his head. "That's not the reason. Sima Yi, look at what they've done to you; can you honestly tell me you want to appear in future Dynasty Warriors titles?"

Sima Yi frowned at this reminder of what had been done to his character. He fingered the fancy material of his purple robe, which he could not deny bore a strong resemblance to a dress. Seeing his reflection in the amused stares of the people around him, he sighed.

Zhang He noted Sima Yi's apparent depression, and in an effort to cheer him exclaimed, "Do not worry. I am sure that in the next game, you will be even more beautiful! Perhaps almost as beautiful as me!" With this incredibly generous compliment issued, he posed, butterflies flying up around him to emphasize his beauty.

Sima Yi looked more depressed than ever. "… Yes, you're quite right," he admitted to Zhuge Liang. "But it's better to be in the game and be humiliated, if it makes people read the novel, than to be forgotten and fade away into obscurity."

Zhuge Liang was about to answer when Cao Cao snapped, "Why wouldn't you want to be in it? What's gotten into you two? Look, much as I despise you both, we can't have the game without you."

Yuan Shao nodded. "I agree. There must be others who are not so great around, in order for my greatness to appear more glorious!"

Cao Cao scowled. "Somebody shut him up!"

Liu Bei cleared his throat. "Everyone! Listen, please. I know some of us aren't happy with the way our personalities, our histories, and our looks have changed. But the fact is, all of us together make Dynasty Warriors. So please, instead of backing out of this series, let's all work together to improve it into something we're proud to be a part of!"

"My lord, I agree with your sentiment," said Zhuge Liang, "but I must warn you that we are not likely to improve this series with our input. Koei has a formula that works for their fan base; they are unlikely to make any effort to significantly change the style of the games. After five installments, this should be clear enough."

Xiahou Dun said to Zhang Liao, "That means you'll be French for the rest of your existence."

"Shut up, damn it!" snapped Zhang Liao. "We'll see about that. At least I don't have some pathetic obsession with Guan Yu."

Xiahou Dun snorted. "Pathetic, am I? Here's a suggestion for the next game, Liu Bei. I hear some fans want Zhang Liao to do the cancan."

Zhang Liao's eyes widened. "Oh, hell! How did you hear about that?" He scowled darkly. "These blasted fangirls…"

"At least that idea's not in a fanfic," Cao Cao reassured his officer.

"Yet," added Dun ominously.

Sun Ce piped up, "I hope someone writes one. I think it would be funn—ulp!" He gasped. Zhang Liao's halberd was pointed at his throat. It flashed through Sun Ce's mind that with his neatly trimmed mustache quivering in fury beneath his fiery glare, Zhang Liao looked more French now than ever; but he thought it wise not to say it at that particular moment.

Cao Cao, meanwhile, said in an undertone to Xiahou Dun, "Actually, it would be pretty funny. Can you imagine…?"

He hadn't really thought about it before, but now Xiahou Dun had a vision of Zhang Liao doing the cancan, kicking up his legs in a frilly war skirt. He started snickering.

Liu Bei thought it was funny, too, and wrote it down under suggestions for the next game.

Zhang Liao, having finished his intimidation of Sun Ce (who promptly coughed out "frenchy" when his back was turned), focused his attention on Cao Cao and said, "Not you too, my lord. How would it reflect on you if one of your generals –" He stopped at the sound of Liu Bei's pen scribbling. "—wait a minute! Liu Bei, did you write that down? Give me that questionnaire!"

Liu Bei held it away. "It was a legitimate suggestion!"

"Legitimate my ass!" cried Zhang Liao. "Give it to me before I rip you to pieces!"

"No." Protected by an imposing Guan Yu and a drunk, but nonetheless dangerous Zhang Fei, Liu Bei held the questionnaire away.

Zhang Liao snarled, "Give it to me or I'll request Koei have you dance with your brothers like you did in DW3!"

Zhang Fei and Guan Yu cried out, "Nooooooo!"

"Hahahahahaaa!" Zhou Yu grinned. "I want to add that as one of my requests! That was a wonderful ending for the Shu team, wouldn't you say Zhuge Liang? You people seem to like dancing."

Zhuge Liang answered coolly, "Lu Xun did it better."

Sun Quan frowned. "Poor Lu Xun… He's been sorely abused by the fangirls. Though he does look pretty sexy with his midriff showing," he added as an afterthought.

Sun Ce and Jian whirled to face him. "Excuse me?"

"What?" Sun Quan noted the shocked expressions on their faces, and quickly amended, "No – I don't mean to me. I mean to the fangirls! What are you thinking?"

Cao Cao stroked his beard thoughtfully. "Hmm. I always wondered about you… Especially after seeing you and Zhou Tai… That weird scene where you were touching his face. It looked like you were going to kiss him."

Sun Quan glared. "I was checking out his scars, dammit! He got injured rescuing me!"

Cao Pi smirked malevolently. "I think the keywords here are 'checking out.'"

"Back to the dancing," said Liu Bei. "How many people want to see Zhang Liao do the cancan?"

Zhang Liao had hoped the matter forgotten. He glared murderously at the Shu leader. "Liu Bei, I swear I will kill you for this. Guan Yu, old friend, will you not support me?"

Guan Yu sighed and looked at Liu Bei. "Brother…"

"Objection heard and noted," Liu Bei said briskly. "Now, how many?" He looked around cheerfully.

A dozen or so hands went up, but several of these went down again as Zhang Liao cast a fierce glare around the room.

"Frankly," said Cao Cao, "I'd like to see Liu Bei's beloved Zhao Yun and Zhuge Liang's incompetent apprentice Jiang Wei make fools of themselves doing that stupid dance they did at the end of DW4."

Zhuge Liang sighed. "We do seem to have an exceptional amount of dancing on our side…"

Liu Bei brightened and exclaimed, "Oh, that dance! You know, I wanted to join in, but I was out practicing archery that day. I was so upset I missed it! A chance to dance with my Zhao Yun…"

Guan Yu and Zhuge Liang were embarrassed. "My lord!"

"Does Zhao Yun know about this?" added Guan Yu to Zhuge Liang. "Does he have any idea about elder brother's… ah…"

"Zilong can be mercifully oblivious at times," replied Zhuge Liang quietly, "which is most fortunate since—" He stopped as he noticed Liu Bei happily scribbling something on the questionnaire. Taking a closer glance, and seeing what it was, he snatched Liu Bei's hand and held it firmly away from the paper.

"Do not request Koei to make us dance again, my lord," he said sternly. "Not anyone on the Shu side. Ever. Or you will have a rebellion on your hands, you hear?"

Liu Bei blinked at him. "What do you mean? What fear do I have of a rebellion when I have such faithful officers on my side? You, my brothers, my beloved Zhao Yun…" His voice trailed away as he noticed the cold stares on the faces of his brothers and advisor. Guan Yu and Zhang Fei folded their arms. Zhuge Liang maintained a firm grip on his hand.

"Brother, if you request us to dance again I'm going to rejoin Cao Cao," announced Guan Yu.

Liu Bei gasped. "But the oath!"

Guan Yu's eyebrows bristled darkly. "… no dancing."

Liu Bei sighed. "Fine," he conceded, and Zhuge Liang released him. "We of Shu request that there be no more dancing… Except for Zhang Liao and the cancan."

"Hey!" cried Zhang Liao.

Cao Cao remarked, "Grand as it is to see Liu Bei humiliated, I'm happy enough not having to watch him and his brothers dance again. That scene was enough to give me nightmares…"

Zhang Fei shook his head and burped. "Um… urp… if I were… ugh, sober enough to catch… hic… half of what was being said… urp… I'd be pissed, wouldn't I?"

Liu Bei glanced at his drunken brother and, worried that he might lose his temper and start a brawl, sent Guan Yu to escort Zhang Fei someplace to sober up.

Xiahou Dun was growing impatient. "Can we get on with those questions?"

"Yes," said Liu Bei. "Now, Xiahou Dun, what improvements could be made to your character?"

"Just get rid of the stupid Guan Yu obsession and I'm set."

"If future cuts to the cast are necessary, who should we eliminate?"

Xiahou Dun sneered. "The women."

"What?" exclaimed all the women in the room, and Zhang He.

Zhen Ji glanced at Zhang He with a frown. "You don't count, butterfly boy."

Zhang He replied, "I'm quite certain I am included in his remark."

"It's ridiculous to battle against fans and flutes!" declared Xiahou Dun. "And I'm including Zhuge Liang and Sima Yi in that comment! And the fruity ballerina, too!"

"You see?" said Zhang He to Zhen Ji.

Sima Yi bristled. "What? Are you saying—"

"What are you going to do about it?" snarled Xiahou Dun. "I feel embarrassed having our lord's strategist walk around in a dress."

"That does it! Zhang He!" Sima Yi turned to the elegant warrior.

"Yes!" said Zhang He.

Sima Yi held out his fan and posed dramatically. "Gracefully tear him apart for me!"

"Gladly!" Zhang He posed, and butterflies rose up around him. He bounded forward.

"Bring it on!" growled Xiahou Dun.

Zhuge Liang, after a moment of looking at Sima Yi in silent surprise, said, "I can't believe you just did that."

"… I know," said Sima Yi. "I am in pain."

Cao Pi spoke up. "Sima Yi, you shouldn't worry so much. There's a reason people think Wei is cooler than Wu or Shu."

Sima Yi turned to him. "What is that reason, according to you?"

Cao Pi smirked. "Well, half of it is me. The rest is a combination of our bishounen warriors and Zhen Ji. I suppose Xiahou Dun has his set of fans, too. Our only real weakness is Xu Zhu. If we could find a way to get rid of him, we'd be in fine shape."

Cao Ren turned a disapproving look on the young lord. "That is an uncharitable way to feel towards one who daily risks his life to protect your father."

Cao Pi shrugged and gestured at Cao Ren. "Oh, and him, too. No one likes a midget."

"What?" Cao Ren glowered at him.

Xiahou Dun and Zhang He were battling furiously, and Cao Cao shouted at them, "Stop it! Both of you! Xiahou Dun, I've had enough of your belligerence. If you must start a fight, do it with someone on the Shu side! Preferably Zhuge Liang or Liu Bei. Especially Liu Bei! In fact, start a fight with Liu Bei and I'll give you a promotion!"

"Now, now!" objected Sun Quan. "I know we're all enemies here, but let's finish the question sheet, or we'll lose this opportunity to influence the next game. I'm drawing the next name."

"Xiahou Dun still has two questions left," pointed out Zhuge Liang.

"… so he does," acknowledged Liu Bei. "Xiahou Dun, would you do a romantic scene?"

"Hah!" barked Xiahou Dun.

"So, is that a…"

"I'd sooner pluck out my other eye."

Zhang Liao, still sore over the cancan comments, put in, "Not that that's saying much—"

"Shut up!" snarled Xiahou Dun. "No. I wouldn't. Ever."

Liu Bei continued, "And, if you had to be paired up with someone of the same—"

"Finish that question and I'll kill you."

"…"

Zhuge Liang leaned over and suggested quietly to Liu Bei, "This may be an opportunity to cause some problems for Wei. My Lord, put down Guan Yu."

Liu Bei glanced uncertainly at him as he surreptitiously acted on that suggestion. "Is this part of a plot you have, or just for fun?" he asked in an undertone.

"Hm, a bit of both perhaps," replied Zhuge Liang, with a mischievous glance towards Xiahou Dun.

Pang Tong poked his fellow strategist. "Instigator."

"Shh…" chided Zhuge Liang.

Meanwhile, on the topic of the yaoi question, Zhou Yu and Sima Yi were glumly cursing Koei for even including it.

"It's a warning of bad things to come!" declared Zhou Yu. "They wouldn't ask it unless they intend to—"

"I don't want to hear anything more about it," said Cao Cao. "Forget yaoi. What I want to know is, why isn't there any yuri fanfiction out there?"

"Yuri?" echoed Liu Bei.

"Yes. You know, women with women," said Cao Cao.

Xiahou Dun sneered. "With Sima Yi and Zhang He, what's the difference anyway?"

"Argh!" Sima Yi stomped his foot in annoyance. "I am getting so sick of this, you irritating—" He stopped speaking as he noticed that he was shaking his fan at Xiahou Dun. Disgustedly he threw it away, glaring murderously at Zhuge Liang. He left the room briefly, and returned with a sword. "Ah… much better," he said, examining the edge of the blade and noting that it was quite sharp.

"It doesn't match your dress," criticized Zhou Yu.

At this insult, Sima Yi stepped forward and pointed the sword at the Wu strategist's throat. Zhou Yu shrugged and laid a hand on the hilt of his own sword. "As if you can even use that thing," he said.

"Oh, I can use it well enough!" Sima Yi frowned deeply, turning to face Zhuge Liang. "I have been to a battlefield before, though everyone seems to forget that… And it is because of you!" He pointed the sword at the Shu strategist.

Zhuge Liang shrugged. "You blame me for Koei's decisions?"

"Yes, in part I do. You know Zhuge Liang, you always were a better strategist than me; it wasn't something I ever had any doubts about. But while never being your equal, I also never adopted the peculiar and entirely impractical habits you did – carrying a fan around everywhere, being wheeled around in a carriage like a king over the battlefield. You could get away with it because you were just that talented; but viewed objectively, it's all rather silly. So what I want to know is… Why must I suffer for your quirks? You carried a fan, so by default I must have one too? It makes me look like an idiot! A poor copy of you! What kind of fool carries a fan to the battlefield? And fights with one, for Heaven's sake? If I'm going to be on the field – and unlike you, I did participate in battles – I would like to have a weapon, not an ornament! Koei, are you listening? Liu Bei, write that down! Let Zhuge Liang keep his bizarre fan fetish and his wheelchair; but give me proper weaponry and some decent armor!"

Liu Bei was writing furiously to keep up with the pace of Sima Yi's rant. "You want that verbatim or is paraphrasing all right?"

"Paraphrase," said Zhuge Liang. "It's not a wheelchair."

"It's not?" said Liu Bei, surprised. This earned him a reproachful look from his strategist.

"Verbatim!" snapped Sima Yi. "And yes, it is a wheelchair. What else was that carriage for, if not to wheel you around because you were in poor health and couldn't get by otherwise? Or was it just for show? Or for comfort?"

"It was for show of course!" declared Zhou Yu, always eager to make disparaging remarks about his hated rival. "Nothing Zhuge Liang does is sincere. Why, the bastard wept at my funeral and made everyone think he was mourning my death when he was the one who killed me!"

Zhuge Liang turned to him. "Yes but you deserved it. You tried to kill me over and over again, for no other reason than that you were jealous."

"Sounds like a good reason to me," declared Cao Cao.

Liu Bei glared at him. "It would seem sufficient to you, wouldn't it?"

Sun Quan intervened. "All right everyone… let's not start a fight here. Now, before Xiahou Dun insulted Sima Yi, what were we talking about?"

"Yuri," said Cao Pi.

"Oh, yes! Yuri," said Cao Cao. "Yuri in fanfiction. Something steamy and incestuous with the two Qiaos… now that would be a worthwhile read!"

The Qiaos shrieked and pointed at Cao Cao. "Pervert!" cried Da Qiao.

"Ewww, gross!" added Xiao Qiao.

Zhou Yu's hand dropped to the hilt of his sword. "Cao Cao, how dare you insult my—"

Sun Ce was mumbling quietly to himself, "The two Qiaos… actually, that sounds kind of—"

Zhou Yu smacked him.

Sun Ce, rubbing his head, blinked. "Uh, ah – how dare you, Cao Cao! Jeez, you sicko." Aside, quietly, he added, "Hey Zhou Yu, maybe sometime we could, y'know, talk to the girls – oww! Okay, fine… or not."

"Moving on," said Liu Bei, "The next person is Yuan Shao."

Cao Cao groaned. "Oh, not that pompous fool. Do we really have to do this?"

"Yes, we do," said Sun Quan. "It's only fair that all of us answer. Now then, Yuan Shao – where is he?"

"After Cao Cao insulted him, he said he was too important for this meeting," said Zhang He. "I believe he's relaxing in the Wei office with a daiquiri."

"What? In my office? I'll kill him!" Cao Cao stormed towards the doors.

Liu Bei was worried for Yuan Shao. "Ah, Cao Cao, now we only want you to bring him back, not—"

"Shut up!" Cao Cao leveled his sword at him. "Or you'll be next. Xiahou Dun! Xu Zhu! With me!"

"Yes m'lord!" exclaimed Xiahou Dun.

"Durrr… O-kay," said Xu Zhu, waddling over.

Cao Cao sighed. "Oh… forget Xu Zhu. Zhang Liao!"

Zhang Liao came obediently to his side. "Yes, lord Cao Cao!"

"And no more taunts at Xiahou Dun!" added Cao Cao.

"Not to worry, my lord. I'll walk on his blind side; he won't even notice me."

"Grrr!" Xiahou Dun turned snarling towards him.

Cao Cao snapped at them, "Behave, you two, and come with me!" He marched out of the room.

"We'd better take some steps to ensure that Yuan Shao is alive for the next installment," said Zhou Yu, once Cao Cao was gone.

Sun Quan turned to him. "Do we really have to?"

"We can't have the game without him," said Zhou Yu. "Koei's made him into a caricature, a stuck-up, pompous ass. Having him around adds a bit of variation and makes the rest of us look better."

"Whoa. Nice evaluation of his role," said Sun Ce. "You got it all figured out, huh?"

Zhou Yu shrugged. He gave some instructions to the Qiao sisters, and after sending them away after Cao Cao he replied, "It's basically what Luo Guanzhong did to me in the novel – made me a jealous and spiteful fool so that Zhuge Liang would seem godlike by comparison."

"Sucks to be you," observed Sun Ce.

"Not anymore it doesn't," declared Sima Yi. "In the novel I was competent, cunning, and wholly independent of Zhuge Liang. In the games I'm his goddamned evil Wei shadow. I get the Zhou Yu treatment."

Zhou Yu smiled. "Isn't it nice how it works? Either way, we're both screwed over because of him."

Zhuge Liang murmured to Liu Bei, "My lord, excuse me but I think I'm going to depart before the anti-Liang sentiment gets any stronger…"

"Leaving so soon, Zhuge Liang?" said Zhou Yu, who hadn't failed to notice that with Guan Yu and Zhang Fei gone, his hated rival had no protection. "We can make sure you don't appear in the next game… or in any game in the future, ever, except maybe as a ghost or a corpse."

"… You're too thoughtful," said Zhuge Liang. "I'm sorry to be rude, but I have some pressing matters to attend to."

"I think it's about time you got your comeuppance," said Zhou Yu, gesturing at Sun Ce to block the doors. "This will be sweet."

Zhuge Liang sighed. "You really don't know me better than that, after all these years?" He counted down on his fingers. "Three… two… one…"

The doors burst open, and Zhao Yun and Jiang Wei rushed in.

Sima Yi scowled. "Don't you hate it when he does that? Letting you think you've outsmarted him until he pulls some stunt at the end…"

"Another has fallen to my spear!" cried Zhao Yun.

"What? No one fell!" said Sun Ce.

"But I sound cool saying it," said Zhao Yun. He turned to Liu Bei. "My lord! I am here, at your command."

Tears were streaming down Liu Bei's face as he joyfully cried, "Zhao Yun!"

Zhao Yun was a little taken aback by his lord's enthusiasm at his arrival, and looked askance at him.

"Prime Minister, make your escape!" said Jiang Wei, whom Zhuge Liang had once again accepted as a decent protégé now that he had lost the faux Chinese accent. "His Imperial Highness is waiting for you to return and deliver a report to him."

Zhuge Liang, who had been heading towards the doors, halted in his tracks. "Liu Shan is?" he exclaimed. After a fraction of a second of reflection, he decided, "Oh, nevermind it then. Zhou Yu, Sima Yi, whatever you were about to do, just go ahead and—"

"No!" said Liu Bei. "I can't allow you to sacrifice yourself that way. Go and guide my son with your infinite wisdom!"

Zhuge Liang frowned. "Well no, I'd really rather stay here and be a victim of a painful and bloody end. Chances are it's better than—"

"How selfless you are, trying to sacrifice yourself here for Shu! But don't worry, we'll cover your retreat. Get going! Liu Shan is waiting! He needs you!" Liu Bei rushed over and shoved Zhuge Liang out the doors. He smiled to himself as he shut them. "Heh heh, wonderful! I can leave the misery of babysitting my heir to my strategist. Zhao Yun! I feel so confident now that you are with me!"

The doors opened again, and Liu Bei looked up with concern on his face, thinking maybe Zhuge Liang was trying to return. He relaxed when he saw it was only Cao Cao.

"I thought I saw the little Qiao heading this way," the Wei leader was mumbling to himself. "Oh… Liu Bei. You're the very last person whose face I wanted to see. Quit giving me that hurt look! Everything about you annoys me."

"Where's Yuan Shao?" queried Liu Bei.

"Yuan Shao?" Cao Cao blinked. "Oh, that's right. I left to go after him, didn't I? Forgot all about that, what with the Qiao sisters…"

Da Qiao led Yuan Shao into the room.

"Everyone, you may relax; I have arrived," declared the noble Yuan Shao.

Liu Bei looked up. "Oh good. We've been waiting for you—"

"Naturally," interrupted Yuan Shao haughtily.

The Shu leader was forgiving enough to overlook his rudeness, and said, "Now then, Yuan Shao—"

Yuan Shao looked around. "Does someone call my name? Who is it that addresses me?"

"… Me, Liu Bei."

"Hmph." Yuan Shao turned away from him. "The mat-weaver called Liu Bei is too humble to speak to so great a person as I."

"Why you arrogant—" began Zhao Yun, but Liu Bei interrupted him gently.

"It's all right. There's no sense in feeling ire against someone who only lives through the first few battles of the game, anyway. Cao Cao, why don't you read the questions?"

"All right," agreed Cao Cao, giving up his pursuit of the Qiaos, as it was evident now that he would not be able to catch them. "Yuan Shao, what's the worst aspect of the game, other than your pompous self appearing in it too frequently?"

Yuan Shao sniffed. "Cao Cao, these petty remarks are unworthy of you, though I suppose it is to be expected when so many are jealous of my greatness. The worst aspect of the game is the inclusion of lowborn riffraff like Liu Bei."

Cao Cao stroked his beard. "Hm. Can't argue with that."

Liu Bei frowned.

"What is the best aspect of the game?" asked the Wei leader.

"My inclusion." Yuan Shao held his head high. "Gamers are drawn by my power."

Cao Cao rolled his eyes. "I see… And how do you feel about your character?"

"There is nothing not to like about my character. My lineage and my noble manner could be emphasized more. It is important to impress the players with my full magnificence."

"If you were half as magnificent as you think you are you would have successfully united China," muttered Sun Quan.

"Right… let's try and get through this quickly. The man's overweening ego is beginning to annoy me," said Cao Cao. "Yuan Shao, what improvements could be made to your character? If I may make some suggestions… I'll just write them down here." He began scribbling disparaging remarks, and paid no heed whatsoever to Yuan Shao's reply.

Yuan Shao, oblivious to Cao Cao's doings, answered, "As the most renowned and powerful man in the time of the waning Han, I should have great power in the game. I should be much nobler looking than Liu Bei or Cao Cao."

"Hah!" barked Cao Cao.

"Um… Pardon me, but you must write down his answers faithfully," said Liu Bei to the Wei leader.

"What?" exclaimed Yuan Shao. "Cao Cao, are you altering my answers?"

Cao Cao scowled darkly at Liu Bei. "You mincing goody-two shoes… Mind your own business! Yuan Shao, I wrote down everything as you said it."

"But—" objected Liu Bei. He shut up when Zhang Liao and Xiahou Dun raised their weapons threateningly.

"If future cuts to the cast are necessary, who should we eliminate?" demanded Cao Cao.

Yuan Shao didn't hesitate. "Liu Bei and his brothers. They are mere commoners. Their so-called strategist is a farmer! How could such plain people compare to me?"

"I couldn't agree more," said Cao Pi, smirking.

Zhao Yun looked ready to puncture Yuan Shao with his spear.

Cao Cao wrote down that answer faithfully. He asked the next question: "Would you do a romantic scene with somebody?"

Yuan Shao frowned. "Pandering to fans, who are merely part of the masses, is beneath my dignity…"

Liu Bei couldn't take it. "The masses are the country! Don't you understand? Without the people, there is no meaning to nobility. We are here to serve them, not the other way ar—" He stopped, coughing, as the butt of Cao Cao's sword struck him in the stomach.

"My Lord!" Zhao Yun leapt forward with his spear ready.

Zhang Liao blocked his attack, and Cao Cao snapped, "Calm yourself, Zhao Yun! I didn't do any harm… just wanted him to shut up about the bloody people. Heard enough of that in the games… Now mind your own and keep your lord quiet so I can get through these questions. Yuan Shao, last one. If you had to be paired up with someone of the same sex—"

"This ridiculous question ought to be stricken from the list," said Yuan Shao. He lifted his chin proudly. "I do not deign to respond to it."

"All right, then…" Cao Cao smirked to himself and put down, "Meng Huo."

(A/N: Requests for the next folks to answer the questionnaire? After all the wonderful reviews for the first part, I'm sorry this part isn't better... I'll try to make part III funnier. My humble apologies, all.

Adamantina: Oh my God that battle scene... (groans) Sheep of DOOM indeed! That's a perfect way to describe it. Heh, I'd include more references to the TV series if I thought people had seen it. There's just so much material there... You're absolutely right about Guo Jia, too. Poor fellow. :P I think he's got to show up in the games eventually. He made it into Dynasty Tactics, after all.

HarborRat: Thank you for the encouragement! It's nice to hear it from such a good author.

Shen Xia: If only the Dynasty Warriors could read your comment, heh heh. I might make a reference to it later.

Sinny of Yellowboze, and everyone else who thinks Zhuge Liang is funny: Thank you! He's gotten horribly OOC, I think, what with that attitude he's developing. :P I can't seem to keep him in line. I'm glad you enjoyed all the trouble he's been stirring up!

Everyone who's revewied, you encourage me to keep writing. I want to swear up and down that chapter 3 will be funnier, but I can't guarantee that. I need to come up with something spontaneous and new. I think the more I write, the tougher it's going to get... But I'll do my best. Any particular segment that works for you or doesn't... let me know. It helps for me to know what people find funny.)