(AN: Okay, warning and disclaimer: this chapter is horribly unfunny. Not sure why. It just wasn't turning out right. But for continuity's sake, or something, I'm posting it anyway. So... you have been warned. I think the Wu part, which comes next, might be better, but I'm not sure yet. Maybe I'm losing my touch, eh? I think a lack of new material is the problem. I need a new DW, or something.)

Yuan Shao, having finished his questions, decided he was too important to remain for the rest of the meeting, and left. Cao Cao started to draw another name, but at that moment Lu Bu charged in.

"Who decided to call a meeting without me?" he roared. "And what is wrong with the parking lot? It's like a goddamned maze! I had to tear apart a half dozen vehicles to get here."

Cao Cao glared at Liu Bei. "Your strategist wasn't practicing that Eightfold Array thing again, was he?"

Liu Bei heaved a sigh. "He says if he can do it with cars, he can do it with trains. Don't ask me what the purpose of such a thing is… sometimes my strategist's thoughts are beyond me."

"It had better be my turn next!" announced Lu Bu.

Liu Bei said, "Now now Lu Bu, we all are waiting patiently for our names to be drawn. It wouldn't be fair if—"

Lu Bu stomped threateningly towards him and raised his halberd.

Liu Bei sweatdropped. "… say, look at that. You're next, Lu Bu."

Cao Cao snorted. "Right, on with the questions. Lu Bu, what is the worst aspect of the game?"

"I should be stronger! I was nearly invincible in DW3, less so in DW4. Now, it's standard fare for players to defeat me. What gives? I ought to be able to tear them limb from limb! I want an insta-kill move!"

"And I want my insta-kill move from DW3 back, but we can't have everything, can we?" replied Cao Cao. "Right, so what's the best aspect of the game?"

"My musou mode. It kicks ass. I rock! And my ending is sweet."

"Oh ho?" Cao Cao's eyebrows lifted.

Liu Bei was surprised. "You really like your ending, Lu Bu? I thought it was very touching, but… it didn't seem the sort of thing you'd normally go for."

Lu Bu shrugged. "Honestly, I can't remember it. I get so bored with all those damn cut scenes. But I assume it's sweet, because anyone who thinks it isn't won't live long enough to complain about it!"

Cao Cao had been about to make a snide remark, but wisely thought the better of it. "… an effective enough philosophy," he acknowledged. "Right, that's all. We'll turn these in to Koei, and hopefully they'll make some improvements to your character."

Liu Bei looked askance at the Wei leader, but said nothing.

"They'd better!" snapped Lu Bu, and left.

Once he had gone, the Shu leader said to Cao Cao, "Why didn't you let him finish the questionnaire?"

Cao Cao growled, "Do you want to ask him who he'd do a yaoi scene with?"

"… right. Good point."

Cao Cao smirked. "I'll let Yuan Shao ask him. I'll just tell him only he is noble enough to be entrusted with this task, and Koei doesn't have enough faith in me to let me do it… that ought to have amusing results."

"Now, Cao Cao," began Liu Bei reproachfully, "you know that isn't nice—"

"Oh, spare me! If you didn't have your stupid strategists to advise you better, I'd have sent you to your imminent dismemberment, instead. Now pipe down. Next person…" He drew a name. "Gan Ning."

"Wait a moment," said Sun Quan. "Gan Ning is a Wu officer. Let me take down his answers."

"No. I'm the one with the questionnaire," said Cao Cao. "I'll do it."

"I don't trust you."

"Please, both of you," said Liu Bei. "Can't we just get alo—"

"Shut up!" snapped Cao Cao and Sun Quan, simultaneously.

"We'll just do our answers separately," Sun Quan decided. "Everyone, I'm moving our meeting to the Wu office!"

"Fine!" growled Cao Cao. "Same here. All officers, with me!" As Sima Yi tried to join the line of Wei officers, Cao Cao kicked him. "Get out of here, you Jin Dynasty traitor!"

Later, in the Wei office, Cao Cao and some of his officers sat down to finish the questionnaire. A few were missing – Xu Zhu was still walking, making very poor time, and had covered about half the distance to the office that Cao Cao had usurped from disgruntled Samurai Warriors. Pang De had run into Ma Chao, and the two had gotten into a scuffle which Cao Ren had unwisely tried to intervene in. Zhang Liao had gone to visit a barber, muttering something about his contract, mustache upkeep, and "maintaining the blasted French look." Xiahou Dun suspected that Liao secretly enjoyed it, because he had caught the fearsome warrior stroking the tip of his neatly trimmed mustache once or twice.

Before Cao Cao could begin the questionnaire, Cao Pi drew him aside. "Father, I have some ideas for Wei's future…"

"Oh?" said Cao Cao. "What ideas?"

"Koei focuses far too much on Shu. But I have a way to earn the fans to our side. And Koei, being the company that it is, will pander to its fans' desires."

"Indeed? What is this plan of yours?"

"In the first place, we must get rid of Xu Zhu!"

Cao Cao frowned. "But Xu Zhu is—"

"A fat, slow tub of lard with the wit of a pumpkin."

"…" Cao Cao tried to come up with something to say in the warrior's defense, but his mind drew a blank.

"Look at this screenshot of him, father." Cao Pi typed a url into the office computer, and an image of Xu Zhu rolling on the ground after his musou appeared. "He's a joke to players everywhere."

Cao Cao, after a long look at him, heaved a sigh. "You're right. He is a joke. I hate Koei for doing this to him. Very well, we ask to strike him out of the game. What else?"

"Also, Cao Ren."

"Cao Ren!"

Cao Pi nodded. "I told you, no one likes a midget. How many people pick Cao Ren to play as? Would you?"

"Well, no…" admitted Cao Cao.

"He wasn't even that remarkable in the novel."

"But… couldn't we just make him taller, and a bit slimmer, and, well… I suppose if we must, for those blasted fangirls… more bishounen?"

Cao Pi shook his head. "It's too late for that. Besides… can you really picture him as a bishounen?"

Cao Cao furrowed his brow, trying hard to imagine it. "Gah! No… I keep ending up with a mental picture of him in a bikini. Wrong! Wrong in so many ways! Very well… Let's say we replace less popular warriors such as Xu Chu and Cao Ren. But with who?"

"Guo Jia."

"Ah yes!" Cao Cao brightened. "Guo Jia! Why, if Guo Jia were at my side, what would I have to fear?"

"Well… yaoi fangirls," said Cao Pi. He added under his breath, "Whom I'm beginning to think may have some basis for their—"

"What's that, boy?" Cao Cao glared.

"… nothing. I just said that Guo Jia has a small fan following already. And he was popular in Dynasty Tactics."

"Oh yes!" said Sima Yi. "Guo Jia would be perfect. Then he could wear the dress, and I could be revised into something more dignified, a la tactics."

Cao Pi shrugged. "… Guo Jia was more popular than you were in tactics."

"That's debatable," said Sima Yi. "And, he's also treading that fine line between bishounen and… well, look at what happened to me. I'd rather have my goatee and a spear. No more fan nonsense!"

Zhang He posed next to him. "But it looks so beautiful with your dress!"

Sima Yi scowled. "And no more fruity scenes with Zhang He!"

Zhang He smiled. "If I were a fruit, I'd be a plum… it's my color."

Cao Cao sighed. "Make a note Cao Pi… we've got to do something about him."

"Well father, he's rather popular."

"And while I'm making notes…" continued Cao Cao, "what in the blazes are you doing listening in on our conference, Sima Yi? Traitor! Scoundrel! You're no part of the Wei kingdom!"

Sima Yi folded his arms. "As far as Koei and all our fans are concerned, I am."

Cao Cao slammed his fist on the table. "Bah! I will not tolerate the presence of the man who overthrew my—"

"Actually father," intervened Cao Pi, "the tension between Sima Yi and us makes for some great drama that the fans like. So for the purposes of our discussion let's include him. His scheming against us actually works in our favor, as far as games are concerned."

Cao Cao was appalled. "But… my empire!"

You mean my Empire, thought Cao Pi. "We can't rewrite history… unless we do it by convincing the fans to demand more of us. So, Sima Yi, any further suggestions?"

"As a matter of fact, yes…" said Sima Yi. "I believe we should work not only on bettering Wei's image, but on sabotaging Shu's. I have some excellent ideas for…" He whispered in a low voice.

Cao Cao's eyes widened in horror. "Fake fan websites dedicated to three brothers' yaoi? My God… that's brilliant. If it fools Koei into having sappy quasi-romantic scenes between the brothers, nobody will play on the Shu side ever again! But…" He shuddered.

Sima Yi nodded. "Yes, I realize it's tasteless and utterly disturbing, but something like that could damage Shu's reputation beyond repair. Also… we have one key player on their team who we can always count on, if we can only get Koei to take more notice of him."

"Who?" asked the Wei leader.

Cao Cao and Cao Pi looked at each other. Simultaneously, they exclaimed, "Liu Shan!"

Sima Yi snickered. "Precisely. I've already spoken to him, and convinced him to beg Koei to put him in the next game. Also, I wrote a false letter from Zhuge Liang, eloquently explaining that to retain historical accuracy, Liu Shan must appear in all Three Kingdoms games after Liu Bei's death. Otherwise, it looks as if Zhuge Liang seized power."

Cao Pi chuckled. "Beautiful. Well, I think we have our Shu sabotage well under way. Back to the matter of replacing less popular characters… Guo Jia would be fitting, and to replace Cao Ren I believe… a woman."

Cao Cao frowned. "What? Another female? Aren't there enough damned women trying to kill me in the game already?"

"Excuse me?" said Zhen Ji.

"Present company excepted, of course. And, I suppose if she's tastefully dressed… Less is more, that sort of thing, then it might be worth it. I know! How about one of my wives? Yes! Then I could have a steamy sex scene with her—"

"Uuuugh!" Cao Pi and Zhen Ji exchanged nauseated looks.

"What?" Cao Cao glowered at them. "Oh please, where do you think you came from, you glory hogging brat? You think you're more of a stud than I am?"

"Frankly father—"

"Well, you're not!"

"I think this discussion is over. I really don't want to talk about your sex life."

"You're just fortunate you have such a virile father. If your mother and I had decided not to rub each other down in our little bubble bath together that night—"

"Father!"

Cao Cao noticed that his other officers were trying hard not to hear him. He decided to let the matter go, and said more contritely, "What woman in particular were you thinking of?"

"Your daughter."

"What?" All the lovely images of scantily clad dancers shattered in Cao Cao's mind. He grimaced. Just like his son to go deflating his dreams like that. Stupid offspring.

Cao Pi explained, "Well, it's not like there are many remarkable women in the novel to choose from. So, it might as well be one of your daughters. You do have daughters, don't you father?"

"Of course! I fathered enough children to populate a small village… and that's only counting the legitimate ones. But what is wrong, may I ask, with a wife, instead of a daughter?"

The fact that I'll do anything not to have to see you in a steamy sex scene, thought Cao Pi, eyelid twitching. He sighed and said, "Gamers prefer eligible young women. Not middle-aged wives."

"She doesn't have to be middle-aged! You don't think I filled my pavilion with frumpy women, do you? Young girls! Qiao age! Sumptuous and nubile—"

"I have a feeling that won't endear the fans to us," Cao Pi said quickly. "A daughter, someone of your own blood, would be much better."

Cao Cao grumbled.

Sima Yi smirked at him. "I suppose if it's your daughter you don't want her skimpily dressed?"

The Wei ruler considered that for a moment. "Well… I'd still prefer she be, shall we say, stylishly clothed, in as little as possible. Just don't go telling anybody…"

"Ugh…" Cao Pi shook his head. "Believe me I won't. That's just the sort of information we don't need to have leaking…"

Zhen Ji arched a delicate eyebrow. "Why so appalled, my lord? I thought you always knew your father was a pervert. I've known since the time he grabbed my ass at a dinner party."

"Father!" growled Cao Pi.

Cao Cao rolled his eyes. "Oh, please. Don't pretend to be surprised."

Zhang He said thoughtfully, "One time someone grabbed my ass…"

"That wasn't me!" exclaimed Cao Cao.

"Me either!" added Sima Yi, as suspicious glances were shot in his direction. "Don't look at me like that!"

"I was aiming for Zhen Ji…" muttered Cao Pi.

Cao Cao was appalled. "What! How could you mistake Zhang He for Zhen Ji? You grabbed a male ass instead of a female one! Aaauugh! You are not my son!"

Leave it to the old man to blow things out of proportion. "Oh, pipe down, father…" said Cao Pi. "You're embarrassing me."

"As long as you didn't like it…. You didn't, did you?"

"Of course not."

Zhang He was offended. "What's not to like about it?"

This was all too much for Xiahou Dun. He snapped, "The fact that it's a man's ass in woman's clothing! Why can't you just wear armor like a sensible, non-flaming warrior?"

"So I can look as tasteless and boring as you?" Zhang He turned to Sima Yi. "You don't see anything wrong with it, do you?"

"…"

Zhang He looked at him expectantly.

"… yes well…" Sima Yi cleared his throat. "To each his own. We should not be squabbling amongst ourselves over fashion. Now, back to the matter at hand. We agree we want more females, and Guo Jia. We also would like to strike Cao Ren and Xu Zhu from our lineup."

"I agree!" exclaimed Zhang He. "We must make Wei the most beautiful country. Perhaps now we should get to that questionnaire."

"Good idea," said Cao Cao. "All right… you go first. Zhang He, what is the worst aspect of the game?"

The beautiful Zhang He gave an exaggerated shudder. "Ugh, so much ugliness! I would have to say Pang Tong… though Wei Yan is a close second. No! Dong Zhuo. And Meng Huo! Utterly unnecessary and truly repulsive! How I pity the player who must face them in battle! Come to think of it, Nanman is just an awful place in general. The heat makes me sweaty and unattractive, and ruins my makeup."

Everyone in the room sweatdropped. "… you wear makeup?"

"Just enough to highlight my natural gorgeousness," replied the warrior modestly.

Cao Cao scowled and thrust the question sheet at Cao Pi. "Here – you take down his answers. If I do anymore I'm going to be sick. I can only take so much fruitcake at a time."

"But you tolerate Xu Zhu stumbling around a few miles behind you on the battlefield?" said Cao Pi, arching an eyebrow.

"As you say, a few miles behind me," retorted Cao Cao. "I only have to put up with him for a cutscene and the first ten seconds of battle."

Cao Pi sighed and said to Zhang He, "What is the best aspect of the game?"

"Hmmm…." Zhang He, who had ignored the disparaging comments, gave an indulgent smile as he viewed himself in a mirror. He posed, and butterflies dazzled the Wei officers. "My beautiful face! My beautiful body." He turned around and did a graceful ballet bow. "My beautiful Sima…"

Sima Yi turned bright red, and became suddenly engrossed in examining a strategy book he had brought with him.

Cao Pi said, "How do you feel about your character?"

Zhang He's answer was short and simple this time. "Beautiful!"

Xiahou Dun's eye was twitching furiously. Cao Cao, afraid he might snap and start hacking at the beautiful warrior, poured him a drink and told him quietly to contain his temper.

Cao Pi went on dutifully, "What improvements could we make to your character?"

That one gave Zhang He pause. He considered, and said thoughtfully, "The one fault of perfection is, it leaves no room for improvement… But I would like a wider selection of outfits. Something easy to move in, something gracefully lethal. Maybe something sensual for the ladies."

"Ladies?" echoed everyone.

"Are you sure that's where your… er… interest lies?" said Cao Cao.

"… also, my troops must be more elegant! Like me! We must have more dances, before, during, and after the battles! And a great deal of posing—"

"Spare us!" snarled Xiahou Dun.

"—and another eye for Dun."

"Die."

"—or a fashionable patch."

"I will kill you!"

"If future cuts to the cast are necessary," said Cao Pi, putting an end to the squabble before it could get ugly (no pun intended), "who should we eliminate?"

Zhang He didn't even pause to think about that one. "Everybody ugly."

"Would you do a romantic scene with somebody?" said Cao Pi.

"Please say 'no,'" muttered Sima Yi.

But Zhang He was not cooperating with the strategist's pleas. "I suppose it would be morally wrong for me to deny that to the fans, wouldn't it? Beauty should be enjoyed by the whole world, and not kept hidden."

Sima Yi shuddered.

"Right," said Cao Pi, who was getting some amusement over the strategist's discomfort. He smirked as he read the last question, and eyed Sima Yi. "If you had to endure fan-based websites pairing you up with someone of the same gender, who would be your preference?"

"Can we skip this one?" said Sima Yi.

"No," said Cao Pi.

"I think we should skip this one."

"No."

"There is only one possible match…" said Zhang He.

Sima Yi mumbled, "Someone hang me…"

"My glorious and beautiful commander…"

"… kill me."

"Lord Cao Cao!" finished Zhang He.

"What!" cried Cao Cao.

"Hah!" barked Sima Yi.

Zhang He explained, "Well, I did choose to serve him because he is beautiful."

Cao Cao was frantic. "No! Blast you! You were supposed to say Sima Yi. I don't care what you say, I'm putting down Sima Yi!"

"Hey!" snapped Sima Yi.

There was a brief struggle over the questionnaire, which ended up in Zhen Ji's hands. While Sima Yi grumbled, Zhang He slid up to him and said quietly, "I thought he might do that… Commander, forced to consider such a question, I would have chosen you, but I knew you wouldn't like it, so I picked him instead, to save you embarrassment."

Sima Yi looked at his officer approvingly. "… thank you."

Zhang He waved a graceful hand. "Not at all."

(Well, you can't say I didn't warn you in advance. Aha! I know what the problem is! I shouldn't have split the kingdoms up. That was a bad idea. It's more fun when they all insult each other. And where's my favorite smartass? The smug, better-than-thou, always ready with a poem Zhuge Liang? Oh wait... I left him with Liu Shan. Eh, sucks to be him. Maybe I'll write a little scene for him later. Up next, Wu kingdom! Hopefully it'll be sort of funny... but if not, you can always go back and reread Jeopardy. That's my favorite, anyway.)