OK, so basically, many years ago in a land far, far away-
"Ahem."
What?
"Not that long ago."
OK… not very long ago in a land far, far away-
"Ahem."
What now?
"Not that far away."
All right already! Grief…
Not very long ago in a land so close to this one that it is this one, there lived a king. His name was King Jacob. Now, Jacob's son didn't like him and had run off because they fell out, so when the little princess arrived the whole kingdom rejoiced, because there was now a successor to the throne. Jacob was especially happy, and decided to name the baby Samantha.
"Ahem."
What now?
"It's Sam, not Samantha."
Right, of course it is. How silly of me…
(A large heavy object flies onstage, narrowly missing the narrator)
I'm sorry, really I am! Really sorry! It's Sam, and I promise I'll never ever forget, ever!
"Just get on with the story."
Right, of course. So, erm, he named her Sam. And the whole kingdom arrived at her christening party. And it was a bit of a squash in such a tiny room, but they all got in eventually.
Three fairies of goodwill were also at this party, and they decided to give presents, magical gifts, to the child. First was Fairy Daniel, who looks so cute in a dress…
(Daniel looks suggestively at the large, heavy object)
Erm, sorry. Anyway…
"Erm, hi Sam. Life's really tough out there, so my gift will be that you'll be really smart and, um, clever."
Wow… that's original. Anyway, next came Fairy Janet, who looks much better in a dress.
"Hello Sam! Now, I know how hard it can be, how tough… so my gift will be that you're really beautiful, with blonde hair and blue eyes and everyone will love you!"
"Aw, thanks Janet!"
Hey! You're supposed to be a baby!
"Erm, goo?"
Better. Anyway, just as Fairy Teal'c (who's tutu is really gorgeous by the way – no, I'm sorry Teal'c, please don't hurt me! Thanks…) Well just as he was about to give his gift to Sam the Stargate powered up, and through it stepped the evil witch Anise!
"Does my bum look big in this?"
Ahem. You are on stage now.
"Oh, sorry. Well, um, I was terribly upset that I didn't get an invite to your party, so I came anyway to ask why not."
And…
"Oh yeah, and since you were so terribly mean I'm going to perform a really exciting Tok'ra experiment on Sam!"
Jacob…
"Oh no, Anise, please don't. She's so young."
Good grief… does nobody care? OK, apparently not… Anise?
"Well, when Sam is 16 she's going to… shock herself on a Naquada reactor and, erm, she'll die! Hahahahaha!"
Erm, yeah, love the evil laugh, Anise. Perfect.
Anyway, her evil being done for today, Anise powered up the gate and went back to where she came from. Everyone was really upset about Sam though. Really, really upset. Like one person even cried…
"Oh no, my Sammy is gonna die! What shall I do?"
"I believe I may be of some assistance, General Carter."
Erm, Teal'c? It's King Jacob, in the play, erm, incidentally… erm, never mind.
"Well, Fairy Teal'c, what can you do? Can you use your gift to lift this terrible curse?"
"If I were to do that, there would be no story. However, I can make the story more interesting and less depressing."
"Go on."
"Well, my gift is that when Sam electrocutes herself on her Naquada reactor she won't die, she'll just fall asleep for 100 years, unless she gets kissed by someone."
Don't be too vague or anything, Teal'c.
"Her true love, I do believe."
Better. So King Jacob thought it was a great idea. And then he had all the Naquada reactors that he could get his hands on all thrown into a star, which he promptly blew up, because reactors make lousy bonfires. And then, to keep Sam as safe as possible he had her sent to live for 16 years in a secret house in the woods with the three fairies.
"Do I have to?"
Yes dear, and- hey! You're still a baby, remember?
"Mamma!"
Quite.