In the living room Roger is slumped in the far chair staring at the tv looking less than thrilled to be there, while everyone else seems to be engrossed in conversation in the kitchen.
"Nice of you to finally join us." he chides
I look at him but decide it's not worth it to respond. Instead I head into the kitchen, maybe I can get some breakfast. As a second thought I ask Roger "Did you eat?"
"No. I'm not hungry." he grumbles his face in a scowl his eyes not leaving the tv.
"Did I.." He glares are me, his eyes like daggers "never mind" I mutter, I don't want to deal with this now. In the kitchen everyone seems to be in good spirits. Maureen is attempting to mold what looks like a giant mound of beige play dough. Her face contorted and scrunched like a child concentrating hard on a big important project. Mark and Joanne watching and laughing at her, I can't help but laugh too.
"Morning, Merry Christmas!" Mark grins.
"Merry Christmas." I ring back trying to sound cheerful as I glance back out into the living room at Roger. I sit trying to convince myself this will be a great Christmas despite his foul humor. I'm still unsure what I did or why his mood changed so suddenly, but I refuse to let him get me down.
"You hungry? There are muffins on the counter." Joanne smiles stirring something in a frying pan.
"Starving actually." I grab a banana nut muffin and curl up in the chair next to Maureen at the table, continuing to watch her art project. Finally I ask "what are you doing?" my curiosity getting the better of me.
"Making our Christmas Turkey." her smile broad and innocent.
I must have looked a little confused, because Mark quickly clarified "tofu, she's attempting to make it look like a turkey." he sticks out his tongue making a face at me while he says it causing me to almost choke on my muffin.
"Attempting Marky? I think it looks pretty good. You think you can do better?" She sulks
"Nooo. I didn't say that." He looks terrified that she will try to get him to take over.
"Are you almost done Maureen. It has to be refrigerated for 3 hours before we can bake it. It's getting late.." Joanne intervenes
"Oh fine! This is the best I can do since you are in a hurry." she pushes it away sulking slightly. "Hey Mimi, What's Roger's problem today?" she asks innocently, but it cuts me like a knife "He's quite the grinch, isn't he."
"I don't know." I shrug trying not to look overly concerned, or show that it's bothering me "He hasn't said much to me this morning." Mark's watching me, and I try to avoid his eyes.
"Don't let him get to you." his voice comforting
"What do you mean?" I force the words and fear he sees through them. "I'm fine."
"He gets like this. It's amazing he even came out, normally he locks himself away on holidays." He tries to reassure me but I cant help but feel there is something else wrong with Roger.
"Why is that?"
"Well it's…" Mark starts but is cut of abruptly
"Would you stop fucking talking about me Mark, I can fucking hear you! I'm in the next room not the next city." Roger's voice is short and irritable. "I don't need you to explain or defend me."
"Cant you for once lose the attitude? Or does everything with you have to be miserable?" Mark snaps back
"Fuck off Mark!" he growls
"You know he's not capable of acting human Mark. How long have you known him now? You think you would have figured that by now." Maureen goads
"Maureen!" Joanne's tone like an irritated mother scolding a naughty child.
"What?" Maureen sing songs. "It's true." she shrugs
After a long silence, Marks just looks at me, his eyes apologetic. "I'll go see if I can find out what his problem is."
I shake my head, "No, I will. Thanks though." I mumble almost inaudibly as I get up to go and face Roger. My stomach twists in knots and I really have no desire to do this right now, but I have to at least try for the sake of everyone else. I can't help but feel his foul mood is my fault, but I don't know what I did to cause it. He was so sweet this morning. Still, I don't want to be the one responsible for ruining everyone's Christmas, so I swallow hard turning my back on the kitchen.
I walk in and sit silently on the edge of the couch nearest to the chair where he sits. He doesn't look up, I'm not even sure if he realizes I'm here. He's staring at the tv but his eyes are distant and I get the impression that his mind is somewhere else. I clear my throat softly hoping he'll realize I'm sitting there, but his expression doesn't change and he doesn't acknowledge me. "Roger?" I reach out and touch his hand lightly and he pulls away as if my touch burns him. I realize now he's not watching the tv, but is instead staring at the wall.
"What?" His voice annoyed and his eyes still fixed in the direction of the tv. "It's not like I didn't know you are sitting there."
"Well it would be nice if you would at least acknowledge me." my tone flat
"What do you want?" he stares at me his eyes cold "Whad'ya decide it wasn't enough to sit in the kitchen and talk about me, you had to come out here and."
"What did I do?" I cut him off, trying to keep my voice calm. "You were fine this morning when we woke up and then suddenly."
"I don't know what you are talking about." he stares at the wall again
"What's wrong?" I reach for his hand again but he pulls away before I can touch him
"Nothing."
"Bullshit!" I try not to raise my voice, staring him down "You can't sit there and convince me that nothing is wrong."
"Nothings wrong. You're imagining things."
"Am I? You wont even let me touch you"
"Yeah, your making something out of nothing."
"Oh I get it, it's all me right? So explain why you ripped Marks head off." my voice is strained as I try not to yell.
His eyes like ice fixed on mine "Damn it Mimi, you just…" Suddenly the doorbell rings causing Roger to sigh heavily, and for me to shift my gaze for an instant. That brief moment is enough. Joanne, Mark and Maureen come out from the kitchen and before I can say anything else Roger disappears down the hall.
"Roger, wait.." He ignores me, and I notice Mark has stopped and is watching silently. I consider for a moment going after him, and I start to get up but feel Marks hand touch my shoulder.
It's as if he can read my mind "It's best if you just let him go." his eyes pleading with me to let Roger be. "He'll come back out eventually. If you go now it's only going to turn into a yelling match, and you don't want that. Trust me on that one." he forces a smile.
"I guess." I sink down into the corner of the couch frustrated, confused and a little hurt by what just happened. "I just don't get it. Everything was fine earlier and then.." my voice trails off.
"He's moody, if I didn't know any better I would swear he suffers from PMS." he grins causing me to laugh despite myself as he sits down next to me.
" I just wish I knew.."
" I know you do" his tone understanding, "Trust me I know" Our conversation is cut short by the appearance of Collins an Angel.
"Merry Christmas!" Angel 's voice rings sweetly and my stomach turns "How is everyone today?"
I sit there silent trying hard to be invisible, but with the arrival of Collins and Angel it isn't easy. They both just ooze happiness and it's hard to swallow, especially after the exchange with Roger this morning.
Everyone is light hearted and merry in their conversations, except Mark who sits silently watching. The happy chatter is unnerving , just listening to it makes me queasy. But I force a smile as Angel plops down besides me. "Good afternoon Sunshine!" His voice sweet and thick like molasses "Merry Christmas" He wraps his arms around me smiling warmly. It's almost as if he's Santa Clause "how are you today?"
"Merry Christmas to you too, I'm good" I try not to choke on the words.
Angel's eyes narrow on mine searching for something "Are you okay, you look a little pale."
"I'm just tired." I force a smile "I didn't get much sleep last night. What about you? How are you?" The room bubbles with chatter and laughter. There is a giant knot in the middle of my stomach and it's making me nauseous. I just want to disappear
" I couldn't be better. Where is Roger hiding at?"
"He's… in the bedroom."
"Well, what's he doing in there. Tell him to come out here, it's Christmas he shouldn't be hiding away." Angels eyes are bright and full of a joy I have never seen before.
"Well, he's.." I look at Mark practically pleading for him to say something. " I don't" I'm too flustered to think quickly.
"He was tired and went to lay down. I'm sure he will be out in a little while" Mark rescues me.
I sigh audibly and Angel looks at me again causing me to squirm a bit. "I think I'm going to go check on him." The nausea now beyond the point of being able to ignore it as I walk down the hall, feeling Angel still watching me.
The door to the bedroom seems foreboding, and I stand there staring at it for a long time debating on if I really want to go in. I listen, hoping for some clue as to what encounter awaits on the other side, but there is only silence. It's thick and weighs heavy on my heart, causing my stomach to roll again. I take a slow deep breath trying to calm myself then reach for the door knob.
It's cold like ice as if its warning me to go away. I swallow hard forcing the bile back down my throat, turn the knob and slowly open the door hoping he is asleep. He's curled up on the bed facing the wall and doesn't move when I walk in. "Roger" I croak in barely a whisper. There is no answer so I walk around to his side of the bed to see if he's sleeping. His eyes are closed and his breathing is soft, he looks so peaceful so I sit down on the bed next to him. He still doesn't stir. I sit watching him sleep for a while then curl up next to him and close my eyes. He recoils and turns over avoiding my touch, my stomach turns again.
"Fine. When you decide to act like a grown up, I'll be in the other room." I storm out without a backwards glance trying to not show that he's getting the better of me. I cant deal with everyone right now so I lock myself in the bathroom trying to not vomit.
My face is hot with anger. I'm so furious I could kill him. "slow deep breaths Mimi, slow deep breaths." I tell myself catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My face is flush from the anger and confusion of the day. I stare at myself long and hard, trying to see what everyone else sees. I'm not sure I even know who I am anymore. My face is thinner than I remember and it looks tired. My eyes, they are dull despite the glistening of tears. I can't help but wonder what happened to me, how did I screw up my life so badly. I slam my fists down on the sink and have to stifle a yell from the pain. "Fuck!" I mutter and the tears stream down my cheeks. It takes all my will power not to go back in there and slap him.
I stumble making my way to the tub where I sit and cry for a long time, lost in my own world. My mind keeps wandering back to Roger and last night. The look in his eyes this morning, its just all so confusing. "You know what. Fuck him, I don't need this. I'm not going to let him ruin my Christmas." I mutter getting up to splash water on my face.
Just then there is a soft knock on the door. "I just wanted to let you know dinner is ready. Is everything ok?"
"Yeah everything is fine. He's being a child and I'm not going to let him ruin Christmas." I smile suddenly realizing just how long I have been in the bathroom.
"Good idea, he tends to bring people down." He looks at me hesitantly. "You want to tell him dinner is ready or should I?"
" I can do it if you want. Either way, it doesn't matter."
"Is he in a really bad mood?"
"I don't know, he didn't say a word when I was in there." I shrug
"Oh? Sounds like typical Roger. I'll go get him." his smile warm and bright. "I'm sure you have had enough of his mood for one day."
"I'll be out in a minute, I'm just going to wash up." I splash the cool water on my face letting it wash away my frustrations and anxiety as I hear Mark trying to talk to Roger.
"Dinner is ready" Mark is clear and bright but I can't hear Roger. "Look you can't hide away forever, besides you need to eat something." his tone fighting annoyance "I don't know what you problem is today but you are being rude, not only to Mimi, but to everyone else. Stop sulking and be an adult." Marks footsteps fall hastily on the hall floor as he heads back to the kitchen.
I listen to see if Roger is coming out but there is only silence. Once my heart stops pounding I splash water on my face one more time then head for dinner.
The kitchen table is over flowing with delicious smelling food. Maureen is sitting perched at the end of the table like an exotic bird on display. Her smile so warm and innocent, to her left is Angel then Collins, to her right is Mark. Joanne is at the end of the table opposite Maureen and closest to the stove so she can easily retrieve items from the kitchen. Which leaves two chairs next to each other one for Roger and one for me.
I can't help but laugh a little seeing Mark with Maureen as I sit down in the chair next to Joanne. It's painfully obvious that he's trying not to dote over her but he isn't succeeding. Just as I join in the chatter around the table a rather disgruntled Roger stalks in seeing the only open chair is between Mark and I. To this he rolls his eyes and slumps down annoyed.
"Oh goody, the gangs all here" rings Angel cheerfully. "Think we should have a toast, in celebration of this wonderful day." This causes a chorus of agreement and one very audible groan of course from Roger that everyone else seems to ignore.
"To what shall we toast?" Joanne grins
"To good friends" Mark replies echoed by everyone repeating it.
"To good food" chimes Collins followed by another echo of agreement
"And last but not least, to love. Old and New without which we would have nothing" Angel rings causing another chorus of agreement and Roger to lower his glass.
"Roger?" Mark elbows him in the rib
"What" he retorts " I'm not toasting this crap." Roger looks like he's going to punch Mark
"Don't be an ass.."
"Let it go Mark, it's not worth it. It doesn't bother me, so let it go." I interrupt. Even though the tension is so thick you can cut it with a knife, I try not to let it show. "let's eat, I'm starving and this all looks so good."
Rogers scowl getting more pronounced by the minute as the food is passed around the table. I hadn't realized how hungry I was until now. "This is amazing, Joanne, you have really out done yourself." It feels good to have real food in my stomach, my mashed potatoes vanishing.
The conversation is light and happy as we enjoy our dinner, Roger barely touching his. Instead he sits pushing it around his plate reminding me of when I was little and didn't want to eat my vegetables. "Pass the potatoes?" Roger hands them to me and our hands touch causing him to draw back and drop the bowl on the table.
"What the hell was that" my reaction taking me by surprise
"Look what you made me do" he snaps
"ME? What did I do?" my voice getting louder despite myself
Roger slams his fists on the table causing me to jump then gets up and takes off towards the bedroom.
I follow him from the table grabbing his arm to stop him. He turns quickly on his heal looking me in the eye. "Roger, what's going on? What's the matter?" I implore still grasping his arm
"Don't touch me!" He yells pulling away violently
"Why not? Talk to me damn it.. What's wrong?"
"Leave me alone."
"NO! Not till you tell me what the hell is going on." my voice raised "what happened to the.." I fumble on the words "What about last night?"
"Last night was a mistake! It never should have happened." He explodes, his words like a slap in the face, his eyes fierce. Suddenly I feel everyone watching us. "You pushed and finally got what you wanted last night. Isn't that enough? Why do you have to keep pushing? Can't you see that I don't want you? You're nothing but a whore!"
Unable to stand it any longer I slap him so hard my hand hurts. My face on fire. "Fuck off Roger. I'm no ones whore! I don't know what the hell your problem is, but fuck off!" I scream, pushing past him towards the bedroom, where I slam the door behind me. I hear the pounding of his feet on the floor getting closer, causing a wave of nausea to rush over me. Frantically I grab my jacket and run out the front door, collapsing against the wall outside shaking uncontrollably, my hand throbbing. I can hear shouting inside at first clear then more muffled as they shout over each other. First Mark "What the hell is your problem Roger?" "I don't have a problem Mark! Why don't you fucking butt out." Maureen pipes in "Why are you always such an asshole?" "Aren't you gonna go after her?" Marks voice "Why the hell should I? I aint her fucking keeper." Back and forth till it's all a haze.
I hear the door start to open, so I stand as quickly as I can still shaking so violently that I have to use the wall to support me. It's Mark. "are you ok?' he asks gently
"Yeah I'm fine." I fight to gain my composure "He's a fucking bastard."
"Yeah sometimes he is. I don't know what happened in there but really, he's a good guy. He doesn't say shit like that" He fights for the right words "He's not very good with people. Just give him a little time. Come back inside?"
"He doesn't say shit like that? Well he just did." I try not to scream at him
Suddenly Angel is standing there "Honey are you okay?"
"Thanks for the concern. But I'm fine. I'm gonna go, I don't need this shit." I start towards the stairs
"Mimi, wait!" Angel calls "I'm sure he didn't mean it" I don't stop.
"Where are you going, you don't have any place to go?" Mark cries. As I round the corner to the stairs I hear the door slam and the shouting erupts again. I throw my jacket on and run for the door as fast as I can, not stopping, not looking back. I need to get away before I start shaking so badly that my legs give out.
It's freezing outside and there is a thin sheet of ice on the ground causing me to loose my footing and almost fall. The sun gave a false hope of warmth all day, and it's fading now anyway. I look around trying to figure out where to go and what to do, I have nothing. Mark was right I have no where to go, I just know I can't go back in there. I need to find someplace where I can go unnoticed, somewhere I can escape, somewhere I can, can get high. There is no where. Although I doubt they will, it's still possible they will come looking me. I have to find someplace, any place. I turn and face the building that I just escaped and see a little path on the side, it's not what I hoped for but it's something. It has to lead somewhere. I am just barely out of sight when I hear his voice.
"Mimi! Mimi!" I hear Roger call over and over again, his voice angry. "Dammit!"
"You've succeeded again Roger" Maureen remarks with a snide tone
"You're not fucking helping Maureen, so either shut up and help look for her or go away damn it." he snaps at her.
"Oh, so you suddenly care? What happened to last night being a mistake, and what else was is that you so lovingly called her? Wait I believe it was whore, wasn't it? I'm not the one that made her run away now am I?" provoking his anger purposely.
"God Damn it Maureen, I know what I said. I don't need you to fucking."
"Guys, knock it off," Mark screams cutting them both off.
"This isn't getting us any closer to finding Mimi. Let's just split up, Roger, Mark you guys go towards the park. Maureen, Joanne you guys go towards the loft, Angel and I will go towards the subway. Meet back here in an hour?" Collins' voice calm and full of reason.
They were all there, all still angry, but why, why would they come looking for me? I sink down against the side of the building barely hidden by a little foliage; trembling and fighting back tears. All I can do is pray they don't see me. I wait for their voices and footsteps to fade then I reach in my coat pocket and find everything I need my lighter, a needle and syringe; it's all there right down to a small vile of water. I fumble trying to hurry almost spilling the powder on the ground causing my stomach to lurch. Not caring that there is enough heroin in the baggie for at least 2 good highs I use it all. Once it's dissolved I push up my sleeve trying to steady my hand, knowing soon this will all be a blur, I wont have to think about it. The familiar pinch of the needle piercing my skin has a calming effect on my stomach, it's done and in a matter of seconds it's coursing through my veins and I know that I wont feel this anymore. I breathe deep letting the syringe drop into my lap, not even caring enough to cover the needle. I hate myself for it.
In minutes everything dulls, and I start to feel better. It's not long after that I don't feel the bite of the cold, my heart has stopped racing so close my eyes and lean against the building. The silence is thick and almost deafening, but it's welcome after the shouting. I sit there for a long time letting the calm over take my body, not caring about anything.
I must have dozed off, because suddenly I hear Roger's voice; it's getting closer. "Mimi, is that you?" They said an hour, they wouldn't be back for an hour. It can't have been an hour already, I start to panic. I open my eyes, my head starts spinning but he's coming right for me. I try to get up but my legs wont work, I'm trembling so hard that I stumble and fall letting a cry as I hit the ground.
"Mimi?" his voice gentle "Oh God.. I'm so sorry."
"Leave me alone." my voice is thin, I try to focus on his face but cant, so I close my eyes. "I'm no ones whore"
"I know you're not, I didn't mean it. I'm.. I'm sorry."
"Roger? She's shaking and look, that was in her lap." I hear Marks voice but both sound like they are in a tunnel
"I know I see it. Mimi, how much did you take?" his voice seems panicked he tries to touch me but I recoil "Mimi, was this bag full? Mimi, open your eyes; look at me. Did you use the whole bag?" I nod "Shit!" I flinch "put your arms around my neck. I'm going to take you inside."
"NO! Can't you just go away and leave me alone you asshole?" I try to scream but it sounds more like a pathetic squeak.
"I'm not leaving you out here to freeze." his voice stern as he starts to lift me, I squirm trying to get away. "You may as well give up, you are in no shape to win. Besides you're out numbered." I continue to struggle but he's too strong.
"Will she be ok?" Mark says in barely a whisper
"We will know how bad it is in a little while. Let's just get out of the cold." He takes my arms and wraps them around his neck, then he picks me up with ease. I try once more to fight but I don't have the strength, I resign as he carries me inside and puts me in bed. Roger doesn't even have a chance to pull the covers over me before everything fades to darkness.
"Any change? Should we take her to a hospital? She looks like she's barely breathing" Marks voice is soft, scared, so far away.
"No, I think she'll be ok. If she was in any real danger something would have happened by now. It's been a few hours." Their voices are distant almost like a dream. I try to move but my body doesn't cooperate. I groan opening my eyes. Everything is blurry and my eyes strain to focus. Roger is sitting in a chair next to the bed his eyes fixed on me. My head is pounding, and my stomach is rolling. I try once more to move but my whole body hurts and refuses to comply.
"I'll come back later" Mark says as he leaves. Roger nods but doesn't look at him.
"Don't try to move, just go back to sleep." Roger touches my cheek gently and smiles.
"Rog.." my voice is barely a whisper
"shhh, just go back to sleep." he leans down and kisses me
"I think I'm going to be sick." I croak
"Oh God.. Alright" He scoops me up and carries me quickly to the bathroom, setting me down next to the toilet. He sits down next to me pulling my hair back from my face, and starts to lightly rub my back.
"You don't have to…" I can't even finish my sentence, it's interrupted by my sudden retching and vomiting. He just sits there holding my hair , rubbing my back and helping to support my weight when I need it. Having him there is comforting, but it makes me hate myself even more. We do this for what has to be almost and hour, the only sound is me being sick with short periods of silence in between. Finally there is nothing left in my stomach and I'm left with a severe case of dry heaves. Eventually there is nothing and I collapse against him. We sit there for a long time in silence him holding me.
"Would you like some water?" I nod "Will you be ok alone for a minute?"
"Yeah, thanks" he props me against the wall an leaves. Exhausted I close my eyes.
I don't have to wait long for him to come back with the water and he helps hold it while I drink " slowly, and not so much, unless you want to get sick again." I stop drinking and shake my head "are you ready to go back to bed?" I nod collapsing against him once more. He takes me back to bed and crawls under the covers next to me taking me in his arms. "now get some rest."
"Roger why did you come after me?" it takes all me strength to tilt my face towards his.
"We can talk about this later. Right now you need to sleep."
"You're still an asshole, you know that right?" I smile weakly at him
"Yeah I know, but I'm trying. So try not to hold that against me though?" he laughs, holding me tighter and kissing the top of my head. "Now go back to sleep."
Unable to keep my eyes open any longer I give in to sleep, and the warmth of his arms.