Author's note: I have no comments to this installment. This is pretty much an in-between chapter which I wrote when I just felt like writing.
Disclaimer: Same as always.
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Merry tried to stifle a yawn and glanced at the clock on the wall. Still another forty minutes until they could have a break and eat something. He was growing more bored by the minute and tapped his foot impatiently.
On the other side of the desk Pippin went over a report with a frown on his face. The numbers weren't quite adding up, and it would take at least until their next break to be able to find where it had gone wrong. He was not nearly half as bored as his cousin and didn't even seem to notice Merry's fidgeting.
It was a Saturday afternoon and usually their day off. But there were some matters which they needed to work through together, the month after Pippin became Thain they had decided to improve the Brandywine Bridge, which was in much need of repair. However it was not entirely clear whether Tuckburough or Buckland should pay the larger amount, as the bridge was used just as much by Hobbits on both sides of the river. It had taken them nearly two months to get the finances in order and there were still a lot of errors. On their Thursday meeting they had decided to go through it all together on Saturday and perhaps get things in order by Monday. They met up at Brandy Hall after second breakfast and had worked until now.
"Can you make sense of it?" Merry asked.
"Mmmm, quiet" Pippin mumbled and studied the numbers carefully. "I don't quite understand this! What have the airheads done really, who calculated that the cost of nails would be way higher than the cost of wood?"
"I'm not making much progress on my end either" Merry said. "Turns out math is not my strong suit. I've calculated these numbers three times and I've gotten three different answers!"
"Here, let me" Pippin said and reached over the desk for Merry's papers. "You give this report a go, maybe it will make sense to you."
Merry took the report offered to him and looked through it. Pippin was right, someone had obviously done some serious errors when trying to estimate what would cost how much. Merry sighed and wished bad things to come over the Took lad who had been in charge of making a blueprint of how the bridge looked at the moment, and what changes would need to be made. He had gone three weeks past his deadline which had resulted in a flood of errors when the Hobbits who were next in line to take on the project began making "qualified guesses" in lack of blueprints to work from. It was all very tiresome and in truth Merry was not even interested in the bridge.
Children's voices could be heard from a nearby room. Pippin's ear twitched in that direction but he didn't say anything. They were not in the Master study, they were in the library in Merry's private halls, and the children were playing not far from where the two were working. Merry looked up from his report when the voices grew louder.
"Where is Bead?" he mumbled. "Sorry for the disturbance, Pippin. They should quiet soon, they know not to raise their voices like this."
"Quiet, I'm doing math in my head here!" Pippin said and mouthed the numbers as he added them.
Merry started over with the report and looked carefully at the figures, trying to figure out where the errors really began and how the first error affected the ones following it. Just as he thought he might be on to something he heard a loud cry, then a crash, then another cry.
A second later the door to the library flung open and Merry came out into the hall with Pippin behind him. From a nearby room a crying Meduselda came running, followed by an upset Dawn and an angry Faramir. Meduselda ran up to Merry hoping for some comfort.
"Keep your voices down!" Merry barked. "And what is this infernal racket? How are we supposed to get any work done around here?"
"He pushed me!" Meduselda yelled.
"She stole my toy!" Faramir cried back.
"But he pushed me!"
"You bit my toe first!"
"Enough!" Merry barked. "Frankly I don't care who did what to whom, I told you to be quiet and not wake Mother, she needs her rest! Faramir you know not to push, and Meduselda I don't want to hear that you've bitten anyone ever again! Faramir if she wants your toy just give it to her, she's two years old, she won't understand reasoning! And what was that crash I heard?"
Neither one of the children said anything. Faramir looked deeply ashamed, Dawn looked unhappy and Meduselda cried even harder. Merry looked from one child to the other.
"Well? Answer me!"
"It was an accident!" Faramir stuttered. "I, I didn't mean to!"
"Didn't mean to what? What was that crash?"
Pippin strode past the children and into the room they had come from. He gasped when he saw what had happened and hurried back out into the hall.
"Gimli's ceramic bowl!" he informed Merry. "Shattered in pieces!"
Merry's eyes went wide. He angrily turned to Faramir who looked deeply unhappy with having broken the bowl. It had not been his intention, he knew how valuable that bowl was. Merry grabbed him by the arm and looked firmly into his eyes.
"I don't want to see you in a good while!" he said angrily and gave the boy a brisk shove towards his room.
Faramir hurried off, glad to get to escape to his own room. He took a detour around Pippin, frightened by this Hobbit whom he'd only met once before in his life and who seemed to be as attached to the bowl as Merry was. He passed by the master bedroom just as the door opened and Estella came out.
"What is all this?" she asked in a sleepy voice.
"Are you happy now?" Merry asked the children. "You've woken Mother up, I told you she needed rest! Dry those tears Meduselda, they are only crocodile tears and I don't like them. Where is that blasted Bead?"
"What is wrong?" Estella asked. Meduselda ran up to her and hugged her legs. "What have you done, children?"
"Created a mess!" Merry said. "Broken the ceramic bowl I'm so fond of!"
"That was Faramir!" Dawn said.
"Stop it" Merry said. "It is not nice to pass out blame. You were just as much a part of this scene as he was young lady."
"Stop crying Meduselda" Estella said sharply.
Bead, the children's nurse, came hurrying down the hall just as Faramir closed the door to his room. She apologised a thousand times over and Merry gave her a displeased glare.
"Bead what do we pay you for? I told you to make sure the children were quiet and behaved! Now look what happened!"
"I'm so sorry, Master Merry!" Bead said.
"Estella go back to sleep" Merry said, speaking softer to hear than to the others. "I promise you, you will not be woken up again. Bead you take the girls somewhere and keep them quiet! I don't want to be interrupted again, is that clear?"
"Yes Master. I'm sorry Master. I was with Young Miss Summer, and--"
"Perhaps we should look into hiring a second nurse, since you cannot seem to manage all the children on your own."
Bead looked offended.
"Master Merry! I assure you, I am perfectly capable of looking after all the Master's children on my own!"
Pippin gave her a doubtful look and bent down to pry Meduselda, who had ran to him when Estella went back into her bedroom, off his legs. He figured Bead would not want to lose her prestigious position as the only nurse to the Master's children, especially not since that would give her an opponent to the privilege of being the nurse of the future Master, whenever he came along. In his own mind Pippin thought Merry was a fool for even hesitating, one nurse for four, soon to be five, children was at least three too few in Pippin's opinion. He handed Meduselda over to Bead, wondering slightly why the child had gone to him, she didn't know him all that well.
"Can we trust there will be no more interruptions, Bead?" Merry said.
"I promise, Master, you can count on me."
"Right" Merry said with rolling eyes and went back into the library.
Faramir could hear them through his door. He could hear Bead passing by with Meduselda and Dawn and he could hear Merry speaking with his friend. Tears fell down Faramir's cheeks. It had been an accident, he had been wrestling with Meduselda for the toy and he had knocked into the pedestal where Merry kept the bowl. It had fallen to the ground and broken, that was when Faramir had given Meduselda the push. He had never seen Merry this angry before, not only had he pushed Meduselda, he had woken Estella and broken the bowl. Filled with a childish fear that the adults wouldn't love him anymore he ran to his bed and cried into his pillow.
When he had no more tears to cry he fell asleep, waking up with a headache and a lump of guilt in his throat. He was hungry but he didn't know whether it was safe to come out or not. Merry had told him he didn't want to see him in a while, Faramir had no idea how long a time that was. But he decided to take his chances and snuck out into the hall.
He didn't see anybody. He could hear distant voices belonging to Bead and Dawn, aside from that everything was quiet. He tiptoed down the hall and peeked into the room where he had been playing with the girls. They weren't usually allowed to play in here, now Faramir knew why, but Bead had not been there and both Merry and Estella were busy so they had taken the opportunity that presented itself. Now Faramir wished they hadn't, and promised himself he would never disobey the adults like that again.
He snuck inside the room and looked over at the scene of the crime. A gasped when he saw the bowl, back up on the pedestal. It had been mended somehow, it was obvious that it had been in pieces before but at least it was still there. He couldn't understand what had happened.
"There you are" a voice said behind him.
Faramir spun around, and there was Merry standing in the doorway, leaned on a beam. He was smiling and his voice was no longer harsh and angry. Faramir looked at the bowl and then back at Merry again.
"It's unbroken!" he said.
"No not really" Merry said. "But we managed to piece it together, your father and I."
Faramir blushed heavily. He had forgotten that the Hobbit who had been there earlier was his father. How embarrassing to have made such a mess when he was visiting! Faramir had been intending on always impressing his father, not embarrassing himself.
Merry came over to him and tousled his curls.
"You must be starving" he said. "The rest of us have had afternoon tea already, but there are some cinnamon buns left for you. Just don't eat more than two, save room for dinner."
"I'm sorry I was bad and broke the bowl" Faramir said.
"It worked out in the end" Merry said. "But in the future, take a look at the bowl before you get into arguments or create a mess again. It's still there, but one can clearly see where it broke. It might serve as a good reminder for you."
Faramir nodded and gave Merry a hug. He felt a lot better now.
XX
XX
The first day of 1435 was chilly and windy. Pippin and Merry took a stroll along the road between the Smials and the Hall, inspecting the Brandywine Bridge. The renovating would begin as soon as the weather improved. Right now it was too cold, the wind was bitter and crept right through all their thick layers of clothes, and the ground was rock hard. Not very good weather for working on a bridge.
"So almost half a year as Thain…" Merry said. "Do you feel adjusted yet?"
"Yes" Pippin said. "I miss having a Mistress of the Smials though. Someone to run the household while I'm working. I don't know enough about managing a home, years of bachelorhood at Crickhollow didn't really teach me much of value. And Mother is too old to be running things, my sisters have all moved out…"
"Uncle Paladin might have had a point, perhaps you should remarry" Merry said. "Don't hate me for suggesting it, it's just that you can't hire someone to run the Smials' household. They will only listen to the Mistress, and you don't have one."
"There has to be some other solution" Pippin said. "A promise is said for all time, and I promised never to love another."
"Then marry for practical reasons. It happens!"
"I can't do that! No, not when I've known what it's like to have a real marriage. Not to mention I cannot rob Diamond of her title even if she's not here to live it."
"It's your call" Merry said. "But I must remind you that Tuckburough is your primary concern at this point. And what's best for Tuckburough is not necessarily what's best for you, not always. Sometimes sacrifices need to be made."
"I have made sacrifices" Pippin said. "I'm not impossibly stubborn. Didn't I acknowledge the child, for one?"
"Are we still talking about sacrifice?"
"Merry by now you must know that I don't love him" Pippin said frankly. "I don't hate him, at least I think I don't, but I don't feel that he is my son. He's just… that child that I gave away, who will come back to the Smials and rule when I am gone. I feel more connected to my nieces and nephews than to that boy."
"No you don't fool me, you never have and you never will" Merry said. "I don't believe that you don't love him."
"It's not something that I'm proud to admit" Pippin said. "You're supposed to love your spawn but I feel nothing. What does that say about me, really? I wouldn't admit that to you if it wasn't even true, Merry."
"I still don't believe you. I think you might have yourself convinced but it's harder to convince me. Didn't you say that I understand you even when you don't understand yourself?"
"Yes but what makes you think you know me better in this matter?"
"Because once you've loved a family member you can't stop" Merry said.
"You're not paying attention" Pippin said, shaking his head. "I've never loved him. Never cared for him at all."
"Yes you have" Merry said.
"Oh how would you know?"
"I just need to look to myself. Any day now Estella is having our fourth child. The child has yet to be born but I love it. It's been that way with all my children, I've felt strongly attached to them while they've still been in the womb. You loved Faramir for nine months, then your stubborn heart closed its doors to him when he was born. Yet he already had one foot in, which was why you withdrew and tried to ignore him, hoping that he would go away. But he never will Peregrin. He never will."
"Merry I never cared for the baby when Diamond was pregnant."
Merry looked startled.
"You didn't?"
"No, not the slightest bit!"
"I know it can be odd to care for someone you haven't even seen, especially the first time when you can't really grasp that there's actually going to be a baby born, but…"
"No Merry, you don't understand. Try to follow me here. I felt dislike for the child she was carrying while she carried it. I didn't like her pregnancy, I didn't look forward to the birth. I wanted things to be the way they always had been, just she and I. Most of all I wanted her to be happy and she wasn't. Not at all."
"Pippin--"
"Merry she was miserable those entire nine months!" Pippin said and began to cry for the first time in a long time. "When she found out she was expecting she broke down and cried, I've never told anyone this before but she cried harder than I've ever seen anyone weep! She didn't think she was going to get to keep it, she never had before, and it was taking a huge toll on her. I swore to her that day that I would not get her in a delicate condition again, that she would never have to go through it again!"
"But Pippin, this time it went well."
"Well? Do you call her last months in life well? She was constantly ill, had those horrible itches, she swelled up in more places than I would have thought possible, couldn't sleep, barely eat… Diamond loved food!"
"I think you're remembering it worse than it really was."
"Trust me I remember everything as if it were yesterday" Pippin said. "It was the toughest months of her life! And then she died. It hurts me so bad just thinking about it! If only she could have been happy for those last months but she wasn't!"
"I think she was."
"I don't. I remember all I would wish for was that the baby would hurry up and be born so that she wouldn't have to feel so ill anymore. I wasn't particularly fond of the child, I just wanted her to be well, and I decided that I would never have another child for as long as I lived if it was to be this difficult for my wife. When she passed away I just couldn't bring myself to look at the baby, it had represented nothing but illness and unhappiness for me while she was pregnant and now she was dead and the baby was there instead. What was I to do?"
"You owed it to him to give him a chance" Merry said.
"All I wanted was my wife back. I couldn't care for the child, I just didn't have the strength. Nothing has changed since that day, I don't even feel like that kid is mine. Honestly Merry I don't care how much he's grown or what he's been learning, it doesn't affect me."
"It's been four years! How can you still be so resentful? You never used to carry a grudge."
"She meant everything to me. He means nothing to me. I would rather have held on to Diamond than have that child born into the world."
Merry shook his head, unable to understand where Pippin was coming from. He couldn't recognise his friend anymore.
"You know Peregrin, you ought to be thankful that Faramir was born" he said. "You act as if it's a burden, you've been given the greatest of gifts. Diamond gave that gift to you and you're discarding it like it were a foe. It's not a little orc Pippin, it is a young Hobbit, one who is part of you. You need to sit down and listen to your heart for a change, listen to what it tells you about love and not about grief. Listen to what it tells you about your son. You are his father, Pip. Parenting is a privilege, parenting is a calling."
"I've never felt any such calling" Pippin said. "Parenting is a duty Meriadoc, one we wouldn't have to have if we weren't born into the families in which we were. I can't raise the child here at the Smials when he has no mother, my duty to find a suitable home for him has been fulfilled. I've done my part."
"You never finish doing your part when it comes to your children" Merry said. "From the day they are born they become a duty which will last for as long as you live. You cannot overlook that."
"Merry honestly, part of me wishes I could have given him to some couple living as far from Tuckburough as the Shire boarders go and just forget that he was ever born. I never hesitated in asking you to take him in, but I didn't want to be forced to be around him. I left him with you because I knew he would be safe and cared for, not so that I could have my cake and eat it too. I don't want any part in his upbringing and the less I see of him the better."
"I think you're scared" Merry said. "I think you're scared of caring about him, simply because you made up your mind that you wouldn't. There is nothing wrong in loving him Pippin, no matter what happened to Diamond."
"I know you think I'm awful" Pippin said. "But--"
"I do not think that you're awful. Just that you need to wake up and remember that no matter what has happened you have a responsibility towards a little Hobbit boy."
"Yes I have. A responsibility to make sure he has the best life possible. So I gave him to you."
Pippin managed a slight smile. They reached the Brandywine Bridge and he ran his hand over the wood as they crossed it. He looked at his cousin and gave him a pat on the shoulder.
"Diamond would have approved of my choice" he said. "Stop worrying so much Merry. I claimed the child and he will have everything that is his by birth. Until that day he gets to be in a family, not with a lonesome father. He gets to be loved. Why do you object to that?"
"I don't. It's just--"
"Stop worrying so much, Merry" Pippin repeated and patted him on the shoulder. A smile appeared on his face. "We've spent every year since 1430 in grief and worry. It's time to put an end to all that. Now comes the better times, Master."
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Pippin was right. It did seem as if the new year brought better times. A week in to the new year Estella had her baby, a fourth daughter who was given the name Truce. Now that there were five children in the family Merry found he had less time on his hands to worry about he relationship between Faramir and his father. The boy was four and a half years old now and full of tricks and pranks, Merry and the now two nurses had their hands full keeping an eye on him. Merry found it nearly impossible to be mad at the lad, he reminded him so vividly of Pippin and the trouble he had gotten into when they were young.
Most days Merry got up early to go oversee the farming and make sure everything was working properly. Whenever had a day to spare he went out to the fields and helped out with whatever needed to be done. He wasn't much of a farmer, frankly he hated the feeling of dry dirt on his hands, but he knew they needed every hand they could get. After second breakfast he would go to his study and work there until afternoon tea. Then he usually had the rest of the day to himself, and he would often ride out to the Smials to see how things were there. It wouldn't be long now though before he would be spending his afternoons teaching Faramir. Dawn was not far behind, and after here came Meduselda and Summer, each child born the year after the next. Fortunately it would be years yet before Truce would join the group of students. Still there was no son in the Brandybuck family, whenever that child arrived Merry would have to start making serious plans for his future.
But during the spring of 1435 that future was still distant. Merry's favourite part of the day was the evenings, after supper, when the family would gather by the fireplace and tell stories, sing songs and just spent time together. Estella was very firm on each child being in bed by six in the evening but Merry would try to stall if he could. He loved holding them in his arms as they went to sleep, it made him feel completely relaxed and at peace.
Estella looked over at him with a smile on her lips one evening when Merry had won the battle and sat leaned back in his chair with Summer and Dawn asleep in his arms. The other children were tucked in already, they had all had a busy day playing in the woods and had barely been able to keep their eyes open. Estella took the opportunity to finish mending her favourite dress which had gotten torn a few weeks back. Looking at her husband and her daughters she had to admit it made a lovely picture.
"Perhaps we should get them into bed now" she suggested with a warm smile. "Busy day for both of them, busy one tomorrow as well."
"You're probably right" Merry sighed. "You take Summer, I've got Dawn." He rose carefully with Dawn in his arms while Estella took Summer. "Let's get these girls into bed… Lovely to have a family."
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Thanks for reading! Next chapter will be up shortly!
It's about time I find a better name for this story… Any suggestions?