Author's note: This chapter is a bit longer than the previous and covers more time. There might be some continuity errors in the middle, I wrote the first half and then nothing for a while, then I confused myself when I took it up again… But I hope it's nothing that will disturb the story. Uhm, and I know nothing about farming, so whatever errors occur there are because I don't have the time to research.
Disclaimer: You know the drill…
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Faramir looked up from his drawing and eyed the two adult Hobbits in the room. Estella was sitting on the floor, holding the newborn baby Lilac up in the air and playing with her; Merry was watching the two with a proud look on his face from his armchair by the bookshelf. There was no mistaking looking at the happy parents as they tended to the latest addition to their family. They were both very proud and very pleased with the child in Estella's arms, this newest bundle which had arrived only a few days ago on the second-last day of March.
Faramir swallowed. He didn't like the way it made him feel to watch Merry and Estella with the baby. For one thing he didn't appreciate another screamer with stinking diapers, the last one had just gotten to the age where he could accept them and now this one had arrived instead. Yet another girl in the house, as if there weren't enough already. But it was more than that. Looking at the parents and the baby made him feel like there was something missing. Not with them but with him.
He knew very well by now that he had not been delivered by the stork into Estella's waiting arms and that Merry had never smoked his special pipe weed in celebration of his arrival. He knew that he had not been proudly shown off as the Master's newborn child to all the habitants of Brandy Hall, who always came to ooooh and aaaah at the newborns. He knew that Estella and Merry were not his Mother and Father.
He wondered who his own mother and father were. Had his mother given him his first meal after the stork brought him, and had his father smoked foreign pipe weed in his honour? Had they shown him off to relatives with those proud faces? Had his mother held him up in the air and played with him while his father watched proudly? If so then why had they given him up? And if not, why wasn't he worth the glorious welcome which each Brandybuck daughter received?
He could feel a lump in his throat, and it didn't go away no matter how hard he tried to swallow. He was only five and a half years old but he knew that he was not like the other children around him. Lately he had been told by other children that he did not belong at the Hall, he was a Took and should live at the Smials. Faramir did not understand what that meant, he knew he was called Took sometimes but it did not mean anything to him. If the meaning of Took was that he didn't belong in his own home then he hated Took. He wanted someone to call him Brandybuck but no one ever did. They called Merry Brandybuck, and Estella and the girls. Many of the Hobbits living at Brandy Hall were called Brandybuck. But Faramir was different and did not get to be called that.
He didn't understand what the real deal was with mothers and fathers. He knew that the stork only brought babies to the mothers and that the father usually got very nervous about the whole thing but if this was where he was growing up then why had not the stork brought him to Estella? And where was the lass he had been brought to? He had met his father, although he never seemed to be able to remember his face, but he had never gotten to meet his mother. Where was she? Why wasn't he with her?
Though Faramir knew that being with his mother was not what he really wanted. What he wanted was for Estella to have lifted him up like that when he was just a few days old, and for Merry to have watched him the way he watched baby Lilac now. He tried to think that maybe Estella and Merry had been so taken by him that they had wanted him to live with them even though the stork had brought him elsewhere, but somehow he knew that was not true. He had heard people say that Merry only looked after him as a favour to his absent father. Faramir wanted it not to be true but hard as he tried he could not disregard the thought.
"I don't feel very well" he blurted out.
Immediately he got the attention of both Estella and Merry. The former held the baby close and rocked her and the latter leaned forward in his chair with a frown.
"Well what is the matter then, dear?" Estella asked with concern in her voice.
"It's my stomach" Faramir said. "And, and my throat."
"Your stomach and your throat?" Merry asked. "That's unusual."
"Mostly it's my stomach."
"Oh dear, we should perhaps get you to bed then" Estella said and looked at Merry.
"Yes, a little hot milk and then to bed" he said and got up from his seat. He kneeled by Faramir and placed a hand on his forehead. "You're not hot" he said. "Perhaps it's just been a long day."
Faramir put aside his crayons and his paper and rose to follow Merry. He stuck his hand in the older Hobbit's and felt how warm and secure it felt to have his tiny hand held by Merry's large one. Estella promised she would come by to look in on him as soon as Lilac was in her crib. Faramir wished Lilac was already in her crib and that Estella would hold him in his arms and rock him instead of the baby, the way she had done when he was younger.
Merry led him to the kitchen and lifted him up on a chair. Faramir watched the older Hobbit as he found some milk and began to heat it up. He wondered what his father was like and in what way it would be different to be taken care of him when he didn't feel very well. Somehow Faramir could not imagine any other lad than Merry making him some hot milk and tucking him in.
"When did you start feeling ill?" Merry asked and handed a cup of hot milk to the child.
"Just now… When we were in the sitting room…"
"Have you eaten anything you shouldn't have?"
Faramir shook his head and drank from the milk. Merry sat down opposite him and gave him a concerned look.
"Is there anything that you're nervous or sad about? Perhaps the arrival of the new baby?"
"New babies arrive all the time, I'm quite used to it" Faramir remarked.
"Yes I suppose they have been arriving quite often lately" Merry said and the hint of a smile crept across his face. "Maybe you're concerned that Estella and I will have less time for you now that we have another child."
Faramir shook his head. That was not it either. He waited to see if Merry would ask the right question but no more questions came and Faramir finished his milk in silence. He wondered how Merry could have known that he was not just having a regular stomach ache but that it felt like a knot in his stomach, a knot of anxiety. It felt comforting to know that there was someone who understood him and who knew him so well that he could tell the difference between a regular stomach ache and this. He wanted to stay near this Hobbit forever, this adult who knew him so well and made him feel so secure. He wanted this Hobbit to be his father.
When he had finished all of his milk Merry put him in bed and placed a rubber canteen filled with hot water on his stomach. He sat by the boy's side for a while, stroking his forehead gently. Faramir felt even more miserable than before and the knot in his stomach just wouldn't go away. He was afraid of being left alone yet he felt like he didn't belong here with Merry at this moment. He couldn't make the feeling go away.
"Are you feeling any better?" Merry asked.
Faramir shook his head violently. He was not feeling better at all.
"Merry? Where are my parents? Who are my parents?"
"You know who your parents are" Merry said. "You've met your father, remember? He comes to the Hall every now and then. And your mother is with my father, and with your grandfather."
"Why am I not with them? Why did not the stork bring me to you and Estella if you were going to take care of me?"
"Well you see… the stork cannot decide who the babies are brought to. Each child can only be given to one special mother. Nobody else."
"But why isn't she taking care of me? Why don't they want me to be with them? Why did they give me away?"
Merry looked away for a moment, wondering how to answer the questions. He came to the conclusion that it was better to tell the child the truth, he was old enough. He looked Faramir in the eye and took one of his hands.
"Faramir you are old enough to know the truth… about mothers and fathers and their babies. Once you know then you will understand why Estella and I are not your parents, why the stork could not bring you to us right away."
"Tell me" Faramir said.
"You see…" Merry paused. He had never expected it to be so difficult to explain the origins of life. "You know how Estella's tummy gets bigger? And then we have a new baby?"
"Yes?"
"The reason why her tummy grows is that the baby is there inside. It starts out teeny, tiny small and then it grows bigger until it's big enough to survive."
"But how does it get out of the tummy?"
Merry hesitated.
"The stork does the job, he has some magic. Either way that's not important, what's important is that our babies have all come from Estella's tummy, but you came from someone else. Her name was Diamond, remember how I told you about her?"
"Yes" Faramir said with a nod. "But where is she now?"
"Sometimes… sometimes the stork requires something in return for his work. Sometimes he exchanges the baby's life for the mother's. Your mother passed on when you were born, but it was not your fault. It just happens sometimes and there's nothing that can be done about it. When that happens someone else has to take care of the child since it needs a lass to care for it. When you were only a week old your father gave you to Estella and me so that you could have both a lad and a lass to care for you."
"Didn't my father want to keep me?"
"Your father knew that you needed someone to replace your mother" Merry said.
"What decides who the father is?" Faramir asked.
"The father is the one married to the mother."
Faramir thought about it for a moment. He looked at Merry, who could tell the boy had something else he needed to ask.
"How does the baby get inside the mommy to begin with?"
"Perhaps we ought to save that for another night" Merry said and quickly got up and tucked Faramir in. "Oh, and Faramir, don't tell the girls what we talked about. They're too little yet, this is only for grown children to know about."
Faramir nodded, proud to be old enough when the girls weren't. Merry leaned down and kissed his brow, then said goodnight and left him alone. Faramir thought about what he had been told. He thought he understood now why he could not call his guardians Mother and Father, but what he could not understand was difference it really had to make. He couldn't care less whose tummy he had come from, he wanted Estella to be his mother because she had nurtured him as one from his second week. And if Estella was his mother then that made Merry the father. Faramir didn't care that there was another lad out there who had been married to his real mother, in Faramir's mind fathers didn't have to have anything to do with the birth of babies. A father was something different to him. In the stories he had been told the fathers, if there were any, were always the ones who raised the hero and who protected him and cared for him. Faramir's definition of a father fitted Merry's role in his life to the letter, not that other Hobbit's.
He felt the knot in his stomach still. If only he didn't have to be so different. If only people would stop caring whether or not the stork had brought him to Brandy Hall. Dawn had been brought to Crickhollow just the same as Faramir, yet nobody treated her any differently. It was not fair.
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Merry leaned back against the headboard of his bed and watched as the nurse handed Lilac over to Estella to be burped. Thistle excused herself and left for her own chambers while Estella gently bounced the baby up and down. Lilac was difficult to burp and had an upset stomach. It was safe to assume Estella would be up more than once during the course of the night to soothe the baby. Merry couldn't help but frown when he saw how tired his wife was, the pregnancy had been difficult and now the baby was too. Perhaps it was time to wait for a while until they got pregnant again.
Lilac finally burped and Estella left the room to put her in the next-door nursery. Merry waited for her to return before he got under the covers. She sat down on the edge of the bed and he reached out his hands and rubbed her aching back for a little while. She then leaned back and pulled the covers over her, ready to fall asleep any second.
"Faramir was sound asleep when I looked in on him" she said through a yawn. "I think he will be feeling better tomorrow."
"I don't think he is ill at all, I think he had a stomach ache for other reasons" Merry said. "He asked me about his parents once I'd gotten him into bed."
"What did you tell him?"
"The truth. Where babies come from and how his mother died when the stork brought him."
"The stork? How does the stork fit into the picture?"
"I couldn't tell him everything! But I told him how his father couldn't take care of him so he left him with us."
"Why don't we adopt him Merry?" Estella asked. "We don't have a son of our own, from the looks of it we never might, and we're the only parents he knows."
"He is the Thain's heir" Merry said. "My best friend's child by blood. I cannot dishonour that bond by adopting him. That would be like pretending Pippin never had any part to play."
"Did he? From the moment of conception he seems to have stayed away."
"Not to mention it would mean denying Faramir what is his by right of birth" Merry continued, ignoring her comment. "And if we do have a son further down the line we would deny him what is his by right of birth."
"I just feel so bad for him every time one of the girls calls me Ma and I see that look on his face. Can't we at least allow him to call us Ma and Pa instead of by our given names?"
"We are not his parents by blood and since we cannot adopt him he must be aware of who his real parents are. It would only confuse him if we let him call us Ma and Pa."
"I think that boy is a lot more clever than you give him credit for" Estella said. "He knows the difference. It would just make him feel secure and above all loved if he could get to call us that."
"I've said no and that is my final word" Merry said. "Besides, those are just names anyway… Does it matter what he calls us? We care for him just the same no matter what name he uses."
"It matters to him" Estella said.
"We are his guardians, not his parents" Merry said. "It's perhaps harder for you to see."
"What does that mean?" Estella asked angrily.
"Nothing bad, simply that I lived with his real parents. I watched them together and I was there every step of the way. I can't take their parenthood away from them for my own benefit! He's Diamond's son Estella, not yours. Pippin's son, not mine."
"He is no more Pippin's son than Lilac is his daughter" Estella said and turned over on her side, facing away from Merry. "No matter what biology says. I'm with Faramir on this, parenting is not about blood it's about responsibility."
"I thought you were the one who said the responsible thing for Pippin to do was to give him up" Merry said.
"Listen to the words you just said… Give him up. He is no longer Pippin's child, he is yours, he gave him to you. And through you he gave him to me as well. I am that child's mother no matter who gave birth to him."
"If you feel that way then fine" Merry said. "But you will not allow him to call you anything other than Estella. That is an order."
Merry turned his back at her and tugged for some more of the covers. Did she not think he wanted them to be able to acknowledge Faramir as their own son? But Pippin had already claimed the child and no matter who raised him the best thing for Faramir was to remain Pippin's son, even if it was only by name. Merry had promised Pippin he would not try to get him to take the child back, but part of the promise had been to return the child when Faramir was old enough. He was not going to back down on either promise.
XX
XX
"Knock, knock!"
Merry looked up and waved Pippin in. He was busy writing a letter to be sent to their long legged friends, and he knew he had to hurry up because Pippin had come to collect it. It had been Pippin's idea to write and Merry had promised to have his contribution in by the end of the week.
"Almost finished!" he said.
"Out in the last minute, are we?" Pippin said and slumped down in a chair. "Really, that's not like you."
"It's been busy lately" Merry said and devoted his attention to the letter.
Pippin took a look around the room to have something to do while Merry finished his letter. He was a bit surprised that his cousin kept him waiting; it was not something that happened every day. Things were slow at the Great Smials so for some reason Pippin had assumed Brandy Hall would be slow as well.
"Not that I want to rush you…" Pippin said with a glance at the clock. "But I have to have the letters in by nine o'clock; the postman is riding for Bree during night to send the letters with a ranger in the morning."
"Almost finished…" Merry said.
Pippin nodded and absentmindedly wondered where everybody was. It was awfully quiet. Though considering that it was in the evening most of the children had probably been put to bed, and the adults were probably enjoying the silence in some sitting room. With a nice cup of tea. Pippin envied them, tea sounded just right.
"There" Merry said and signed the last letter. "Pass me the envelopes."
Quickly Merry sealed the letters and handed them to Pippin, happy to have done his part and be rid of it. Lately he had grown less and less fond of writing letters; it took up too much time that he needed to spend on other things.
"Stay for tea at least, won't you?" he said to Pippin who had put the letters in his bag.
"Well if you insist…"
Merry put aside his pen and paper and blew out the candle on the writing desk. He was happy to be done for the evening. It would have to be a quick cup of tea with Pippin, the children needed to be tucked in, but after that he could finally sit back and enjoy the evening.
Faramir came running through the door and stopped by Merry, tugging his arm with a grin.
"Hullo there" Merry said. "Are you ready for bed?"
Faramir nodded. Merry grinned and tousled his curls.
"You smell nice and clean" Merry said. "We took our baths this evening" he told Pippin.
"Saturday night baths are still common practice here at the Hall, I see" Pippin said.
"It works fine that way" Merry said and then turned to Faramir. "Don't go running up a sweat before we put you to bed, now."
Faramir shook his head. He wrapped his arms around Merry's neck and gave him a hug.
"I love you" he said.
"I love you too" Merry said and gave him a kiss. "Now run along and play, but nothing too wild alright?"
"Measure me!" Faramir urged.
"So that's why you came? You want to be measured?"
"Please!" Faramir said and tugged Merry's arm. "I think I might have grown from my bath!"
Merry laughed and got up.
"Alright then. Pippin, would you go get me a small knife please?"
Pippin obediently went and got the knife for Merry. He knew where Merry's parents had used to measure him and he figured not much had changed at Brandy Hall when it came to the children. He had to ask Bead which room belonged to Faramir, and when he found it he handed the knife to Merry and stayed by the door, leaning against the doorpost.
"Alright now…" Merry said, kneeling on the floor with Faramir who stood against the wall. "Here we go."
He made a small mark with the knife right above Faramir's head and scribbled the boy's age down to a month next to the marking. Faramir turned and looked. He had grown about a centimetre since the last time he was measured.
"You were right, you have grown" Merry said.
"Fantastic! Am I as tall as you were when you were me?"
Merry laughed.
"We can go to my old room and check later."
Faramir eyed Merry from top to toe with a frown.
"You are very tall and I am very short. Am I shorter than I'm supposed to be at my age?"
"I don't know" Merry said and turned to the boy's father. "How tall were you at this age, Pip?"
"I can't remember" Pippin muttered. "If the offer still stands for a cup of tea Merry I think I will take you up on it."
"Sure" Merry said. "Estella is in the dining room, she will be happy to help you."
Faramir gave Merry a funny look when Pippin disappeared. Merry leaned his head close to Faramir and whispered conspiringly to him.
"He is just cranky because you are taller than he was at six."
Faramir giggled.
"I am going to be just as tall as you are, Merry! Just you wait; I will be the tallest Hobbit in Brandy Hall before long!"
"Sure you will" Merry said. Then he looked sentimental. "Just don't grow up too fast, you hear? Cause then we'll lose you…"
"What do you mean?" Faramir asked.
Merry smiled again to cover his remark.
"Well one day you are going to be a full-grown Hobbit, my lad! And you won't want to be my little Faramir anymore. I don't expect to be able to cuddle with you and carry you on my shoulders and play with you when you're all grown up."
"Then I will stay a child forever" Faramir said. "I always want to be your little Faramir!"
"I'm glad to hear it" Merry said. "Now go get ready for bed. Estella and I will be in to check on you as soon as we've had our tea."
Faramir hurried off and Merry took the knife back to its place. Then he went to find Pippin, who had found Estella and the tea and was busy helping her eat the sponge cake she had baked earlier in the day. Merry strode up to him and harked. Pippin looked up at him with a grin.
"Hullo there" he said.
"Pippin what is the matter with you?" Merry asked. "What was that all about just now?"
"I beg your pardon?"
"You just taking off like that. Faramir must think you are not well."
Estella looked from one Hobbit to the other and decided it was best to take her leave. She excused herself and went to make sure Faramir got into bed properly.
"Listen Merry, I know what you were trying to do and I wish you would leave it be" Pippin said. "You could have gotten the knife on your own but you wanted me to watch while you measured his height because you think that someday I will cherish it. You are wrong. I also know you think that while I don't seem to appreciate being around the kid right now someday I will feel differently, and then I'll look back on days like today and be thankful for them. But you are wrong about that as well."
"You listen to me now, it was never part of any deal that you should treat him badly when you are around him" Merry said.
"I haven't done that!"
"Yes you have. I think we need to talk. But not here, too many ears around. Finish your tea, then meet me in my study."
Pippin watched him go and frowned. He was more tired of this old subject than he could say. He finished his tea and then went to Merry's study where his friend was seated at his desk with a sullen look on his face. Pippin closed the door and frowned, crossing his arms over his chest. Merry walked around his desk and sat down on it, crossing his arms and looking back at Pippin.
"What is this all about?" Pippin asked. "You know as well as I do I didn't treat him badly. There is something else bothering you."
"No in fact there isn't" Merry said. "It's just the way you look at him… He knows who you are and he expects some form of… emotion from you."
"One you know I cannot show" Pippin said. "One I do not feel. And before you give me another speech about parental love, take a step back and think for a moment. It has been six years. What do you think will have changed now?"
"Pippin… it's not about that. It's about something else. The way you look at him. You look at him like you are upset with him for some reason."
"He is the reason why my wife died" Pippin said.
"Please don't say that" Merry said. "Have you ever even believed that yourself?"
"Every day of his life."
"But why?"
"Why?" Pippin asked with genuine confusion. "Because Diamond died brining him into the world! If it weren't for him she would still be alive!"
"Still, I ask why. If you want to blame someone for what happened then how about starting with yourself?"
"Pardon?"
"It makes no sense blaming a child for the mother dying at the birth!" Merry said. "Faramir didn't ask to be born! He had no choice, no more than Diamond had a choice to have her baby! He did not magically appear Pippin; he came to be just like every other child. And if it hadn't been for you he would not have had to be born in the first place! He was conceived by you and once that happened there was no stopping the chain of events leading to Diamond's death. It was you who got Diamond pregnant and don't you blame Faramir for your actions! Face it Pip, you knew Diamond had problems keeping a child. You knew she had a hard time with it. You knew and yet you risked getting her pregnant again. Faramir did not do that. Faramir did not even exist until you made it so and by then the damage had already been done. If anybody killed Diamond then you did. Her husband. Not her son."
Pippin had a darker look on his face than Merry had ever seen before. He glared at his cousin through narrow eyes.
"Is that so?" he said.
"Yes."
"Well then I think you have said quite enough. I am through with your judgement and your speeches. And I won't listen to another word, not now, not ever. You and I have nothing more to say to one another."
Then he turned on his heel and left. Merry sank down on the floor with a deep sigh. He had not regretted a single word he said. He had wanted to say them for years now and Pippin sure needed to hear them. Merry was only concerned he might have gone a bit too far. What if Pippin did not return?
XX
XX
Estella put on her brightest smile and invited the old woman to come in and sit down. She didn't really have the time for this visit, but the woman was 119 years old and would not be much longer in the world and she had said she wanted to meet with the Master and his family before she died. It was an odd request in Estella's ears, but the woman had problems with her memory and according to her children she believed that the Master was in fact old Rorimac Brandybuck, a lad she had had a brief romance with as a tween... Estella had commented that the woman would figure things out when Rorimac was young while she was old, but her children had insisted that it didn't matter. And Merry had agreed to the odd meeting so Estella had no other choice but to put on a smile and pretend that she enjoyed the whole event.
"Old Rory…" the old woman said and put a hand on Merry's arm. "You haven't aged a day… How odd!"
"Mrs. Boffin…" Merry said gently. "I'm not Rory. I'm his grandson, Merry."
"Nonsense!" Mrs. Boffin said. "Don't you think I'd recognise you anywhere? Really Menegilda, you must tell him not to joke with an old woman this way."
"Estella" Estella corrected her.
"And this must be young Saradoc…" Mrs. Boffin said and grabbed Faramir by the cheeks to have a closer look.
"No Mother, this is Young Master Faramir" Mrs. Boffin's daughter Belba said.
"Faramir?" Mrs. Boffin said and raised an eyebrow. She turned to Merry. "I was so sure your son's name was Saradoc."
"Saradoc was my father, Mrs. Boffin" Merry patiently said.
Estella gently released Mrs. Boffin's grip of Faramir's cheeks and led her to a chair to sit down. Faramir rubbed his cheeks with a frown and sat down on the floor to help Dawn out with her small jigsaw puzzle.
"Can I get you anything to drink, Mrs. Boffin?" she asked.
"Please dear, call me Della."
"Perhaps some tea, Della?" Estella continued.
"No thank you Menegilda, I'm not in the mood for tea."
Estella gave Merry an annoyed glare, far from pleased with the visit, but put her best hostess face up for Belba Boffin and offered her something to drink as well.
"No thank you Mistress, we had tea with my sister just before we came over here" Belba said.
"Mistress…" Mrs. Boffin said with a scoff. "I could have been Mistress once…"
"Now Della" Merry said with his strict voice and kneeled by her chair to look her in the eye. "I don't want you talking of my wife that way, you hear? You know Menegilda came into the picture after you left it. And you were so much younger than old Rory, you know that too."
Mrs. Boffin muttered something under her breath. Merry gave her a pat on the arm and rose to put his arm around Estella. She firmly but discreetly pushed it away.
"Rory when did you go have all these children?" Mrs. Boffin asked and looked at the six children playing on the floor. "I can't remember you having so many! Where is young Merrimac? And who are all these girls?"
"These are my daughters" Merry patiently explained. "Merrimac is my uncle and he is dead. You know this. You were at his funeral six years ago, remember?"
Mrs. Boffin grabbed Merry by the arm and pulled him closer. Estella raised an eyebrow but didn't say anything. She lifted baby Lilac up in her arms from the crib she had been lying in and watched the scene without a word.
"Rory… It has been one hundred years today since you and I first kissed" Mrs. Boffin said.
"Mrs. Boffin, Della, I am not Rory" Merry said firmly. "I was not born until long after that happened. My father had not even been born when that happened!"
"Mother that is enough!" Belba said and untangled her mother's fingers from Merry's arm. "Perhaps it is time for us to go home now. Thank the Master and the Mistress for allowing us a visit in their private hall."
She helped her mother to her feet while apologising to Merry and Estella for her mother's behaviour. Merry assured her that it was no problem at all. Estella didn't say anything. On her way towards the door Mrs. Boffin stopped and eyed the children again.
"What a lovely bunch of children… You can tell the girls are sisters, they all look alike! The boy on the other hand… you couldn't even tell he was related to the others!"
Faramir looked away. Once Belba Boffin had left with her mother he got up and ran out, upset with what the old woman had said. Merry and Estella shared a look.
"Take the baby" Estella said and handed Lilac over to her father. "I will go talk to him."
She couldn't find him anywhere in their halls and began to wonder whether he had gone outside or if he was hiding somewhere. She went out into the windy day and found him standing underneath a tree, hiding his face against the trunk the same way Pippin tended to do when he was upset and wanted to be alone. Estella walked up to him and harked to make her presence known. He looked up at her but turned his head away again.
"Faramir…" she said. "You are not upset by what old Mrs. Boffin said, are you? You know she is very old and very confused. She thinks Merry is his grandfather and I'm his grandmother. Don't take what she says to your heart."
"You don't have to have memory to see that I don't look like the girls" Faramir said.
"And what does it matter that you don't?"
"It matters because everyone can see that I'm not a part of this family!"
"I don't look like Merry" Estella said and put her hand on his arm. "Yet we are family."
"But you both look like the girls" Faramir cried.
"Faramir… Family is not about how you look" Estella said. "We might look different but we are the same inside anyway, you know that. If that old woman thinks you are not part of our family then we both know that she is wrong. You cannot react this way laddie just because someone says you don't look like us. There are plenty of siblings by blood who look nothing alike, appearance is only skin deep. You must learn to think past that. You are family and you know it, you should just let everyone else's opinion fall flat without affecting you."
"It's not easy" Faramir said.
"Yes it is. You're so precious to us. You know this. It doesn't matter who your parents are. It has never matter to us! You've been ours since you were two weeks old. I know you are only a little boy still, but the sooner you come to realise that you're not any different to us because you don't look like us or you aren't the real brother to our daughters, the sooner you will stop being insecure and always be happy."
"I just don't want to be different at all" Faramir said through his tears.
"Being different is not always such a bad thing" Estella said. "You don't have that big nose Merry has, or my low hairline. Your inner qualities are no different from ours and that's the important part. Faramir don't mourn everything that you're not and embrace everything that you are. Trust me laddie, one day you'll be glad that you are you."
Faramir let go of his tree trunk and hugged his foster mother. Estella reminded herself to give Merry a good telling-off for ever inviting old Mrs. Boffin into their home, and gently shushed Faramir and rocked him back and forth. She could understand why he was upset but he was only six years old and shouldn't be concerned with these things yet. She felt Merry had made a mistake in trying so hard to bring Faramir back together with his birth father; it had made the boy feel insecure and unwanted. He had tried to do it without Faramir's knowledge but Estella knew the boy was aware. Merry would have to fix this.
XX
XX
Faramir opened one eye and wondered who came this late at night to bother him. It was Merry, checking in to see if he had gone to sleep yet. Faramir opened his other eye and turned on his back to let Merry know he was awake. He had not been able to go to sleep after the long day, Mrs. Boffin's words still rang in his head although by and by Estella's were starting to win over them.
Merry came up to his bed and pulled out a chair. He put his candle down on its usual spot on the nightstand and gave Faramir half a smile.
"You were supposed to be asleep" he said.
"I'm not" Faramir said.
"I can see that… Listen Faramir… I know you feel insecure and that you wonder where you belong and why you are here with us and not with your parents."
"No" Faramir said. "I wonder how come you can't be my parents."
"You're probably wondering why I've been talking with your father so much in the past years about you going back to the Smials. It's not because I don't want you to be here! I just want what's best for you. And I thought that was for you to be with Peregrin."
"Are you sure?" Faramir asked. "Are you sure you wouldn't just rather not have me here? You have enough other children, you don't need me really."
"That doesn't matter" Merry said. "No matter how many children we have nobody can take your place. Believe me when I tell you that what I want is for you to be here. But I was trying to do what was best for you, even if it was not the same thing as what I wanted."
"I think this is best for me" Faramir said and yawned. "I don't want to go anywhere… I want to stay here… with my family."
"You are absolutely right" Merry said and kissed his brow. "I know that now. Now go to sleep and don't worry about this anymore."
XX
XX
They didn't bring the subject up again. If Faramir was still bothered by it he didn't let it show. Estella and Merry avoided bringing it up since it seemed like everything was fine and soon they forgot about it. There were other things to worry about and other matters to tend to.
Eventually a boy was born, having six older sisters, and for a brief moment Estella worried that Faramir would once again doubt his place in the family now that there was another boy. However Faramir did not seem concerned, if anything he seemed glad to have a brother even if he was nine years older than the latest addition to the family.
The only thing that was not as it should was the relationship between Merry and Pippin. It had not recovered from their last argument and eventually Merry had to accept that Pippin didn't want him around much anymore. He knew he had tried several times to reach out a hand, now it was Pippin's turn to take some action. But Pippin stayed away, choosing to forget rather than to deal with and the two only saw each other in business matters. For a while Sam tried to be the meddler but after a while he resigned to Pippin's stubbornness and Merry's lacking energy to fix something which seemed to have been broken for years.
Meanwhile Faramir grew older, and when he was twelve Merry decided to bring him to the Smials when Pippin and Merry were supposed to have a meeting. Merry knew all three of Pippin's sisters would be there at the time and that they wanted to see their nephew. Not to mention it would be good for Faramir to get to spend time with his four cousins.
"Do you remember the Smials?" he asked Faramir as they approached the place which could have been the boy's home.
Faramir shook his head no. He had only been four years old the last time he came to the Smials, that was a long time ago. He was looking forward to seeing his aunts and cousins again, they came to see him every once in a while at the Hall but it had been a while now since they last got together.
Merry left him with his aunt Pearl when they arrived and went off to his meeting with Pippin. Pearl followed Faramir to the pasture where the cows grazed and left him with his cousins who were busy playing. Faramir opened the gate to the pasture and went inside where his cousins were waiting.
Inside Merry and Pippin went over some practical details concerning the Brandywine Bridge together with a group of Hobbits who were in charge of keeping the maintenance up. The tone was formal and efficient, anyone who didn't know the story between Merry and Pippin would have thought they worked together and nothing more. They were neither impolite nor friendly with each other. It was easier not to interact too much.
When the meeting was over Pippin sharpened his ears. He thought he could hear something outside which wasn't as it should. With a frown he put his things aside and went for the door. Merry followed him, now hearing the noise as well and wondering what was up. Perhaps the children were fighting, but it didn't sound like they were. It was a different sound.
When they came outside Pippin stopped so abruptly that Merry walked into him. It took Pippin two seconds to close his mouth and wake up from his startled freeze, Merry was a little slower.
"What in the name of Paladin the first?" Pippin exclaimed and hurried out on the yard.
Somehow the cows had gotten out of their pastures and appeared to have been spooked by something. They were all over the place, and Hobbits were everywhere trying to calm them down and bring them back to where they belonged. With an angry frown Pippin noticed two cows running out on the oat fields, risking a lot of damage to the crops.
Without wasting any time he ran off to move the cows before they did any permanent damage. Merry was more concerned with Faramir who was out somewhere playing. He couldn't see him but Pippin's sisters had come out to look for their children so they were probably in this area somewhere. The last thing they needed was someone being trampled, especially a child.
The whole debacle was over within a few minutes; the Tooks were efficient and had a way with animals, before long the cows were herded back to their proper place. Merry could hear Pippin ask with a roar how this had happened and then he spotted the children by the pastures. Pearl quickly herded them back towards the Smials and asked them what had happened.
"We were playing in a tree" Pimpernel's son said with a frightened voice.
"In a tree? I have never heard anything so stupid, Hobbits don't play in trees!" Pearl said.
"I fell out! And it scared the cows! They began to run towards the gate!"
"But the gate was closed, wasn't it?" Pearl said. "How did it open?"
"I must have not closed it properly" Faramir said with his head held low. "I was the last one to go inside."
Before he had time to say anything else Pippin came striding over, obviously furious, having heard the conversation. Merry was right behind him, hoping that his cousin would not be too mad with the children.
"You are not to play in the pastures, have I not told you so?" Pippin said to the children who all looked deeply ashamed. "There has been damage to the crops; the crops are what we live on, how could you be so reckless? And you," he said, turning to Faramir, "how could you be so careless as to not make sure you close the gate properly? Do you have any idea what you have done?"
"Pippin don't!" Merry said and stepped in between father and son. "It was an accident, yelling after the fact is not going to do anybody any good. They know they were wrong already."
"The boy cost us a lot of our oat crops!" Pippin said, still as angry.
"He is only a child" Merry said and felt Faramir sneak his hand into Merry's.
"Somebody could have been trampled and killed!" Pippin said. "Him being a child does not excuse that! I expect you to raise him, this behaviour is unacceptable!"
"Pippin we need to take a look at this little one's leg" Pearl said to divert his attention, kneeling by the child who had fallen from the tree. "You can be angry later."
"Take him inside, find the medic" Pippin said, heading back towards the fields. "I have to go see how much damage is done out in the fields."
"I'm sorry" Faramir said but Pippin either didn't hear or didn't care.
"What were you doing playing in the pastures, I thought you knew to stay on the other side of the fence" Pearl said to the children and lifted up the one with the injured leg.
"Your father scares me" one of the children said to Faramir.
Merry could feel Faramir squeeze his hand tight. Merry felt a bit torn in the issue, he fully understood Pippin's anger but it didn't seem right to take it out on the children. They knew what they had done wrong already.
"He has his full right to be mad" Pearl said. "The crops are important. If they have been damaged we might have to starve this winter. Come inside now, you are all done playing outdoors."
"I'm going to take Faramir home" Merry told her. "We are done here anyway. Tell Pippin we will make up for the damage. Our harvest seems to be rich this year."
Pearl nodded and gave Faramir a wave goodbye. Merry looked out to the fields while they waited for their pony, and wondered how bad the damage was.
XX
XX
The next day Merry took the three oldest children out to practice shooting with a bow and arrow. It was a skill he had never quite mastered himself but some Hobbits hunted with this weapon and it couldn't hurt to teach the children.
Estella came by and watched with a frown. Merry was instructing Meduselda while Faramir and Dawn looked on. It was hardly a skill Estella felt her daughters needed to have; she could not understand why Merry insisted on training the girls.
"Merry my dear, you have a lot to learn about raising girls" she commented.
"Say what?" Merry said and looked up.
"Little girls need to learn crocheting, and cooking, and other skills like that. They hardly need to learn how to fire a bow and arrow."
"There's no good reason why they can't learn if they want to" Merry said. "I happen to know a woman who fights with a sword as good as any man, or better. Our girls can do whatever they want, same as the boys."
"But when will they need it?" Estella asked.
"It doesn't matter" Merry said and watched Meduselda fire her arrow and miss the target completely. "The point is that they can if they want to."
"Out of all your oddities…" Estella sighed. "If you ask me you just don't know how to raise a girl so you raise them as boys. Perhaps you should leave their upbringing to me and focus on Faramir and Rohy?"
"I will raise them as best I please!" Merry said, sounding offended.
"Fine" Estella said and laughed. "One male skill per daughter. Nothing more! I want them inside by the end of the hour; there is work to do in the kitchen."
"What's for dinner?" Dawn asked.
"Nothing if you don't help me out" Estella said with a smirk.
"We don't want to risk that!" Merry said. "Alright Estella, I give. One skill per daughter! And I'll have them inside by the end of the hour."
Faramir watched Estella go and his mind drifted back to something Pippin had said the previous day. Faramir shuddered when he thought of it.
"Merry?" he said.
"Yes what is it?"
"Do I have to go back to the Smials?"
Merry looked up with a surprised expression on his face.
"You will live there when you are older. But if you're asking if you have to go back there anytime soon then I guess not."
"Good" Faramir said. The last thing he wanted was to go back there and face the justified anger of the Thain.
Merry was about to say something but changed his mind. Instead he turned his attention back to Meduselda who was having all the trouble in the world with the bow and was getting more and more annoyed by the minute. Faramir looked on as Merry patiently tried to teach her how to hold the bow and aim but it was obvious that he was not skilled enough in the art to be able to teach it properly to someone else.
Faramir wished he could freeze this moment in time and stay there forever. If only he never had to grow up. If only he never had to face who he was.