Author's Note: Wow, this is the final chapter of this series! This feels so special to me, the first series I have wrapped up! And I'm very thankful to all of you who have been with me up until this last instalment. I hope you will think I wrote a good ending. There's not much that needs to be said to set this one up. You will get the hang of it on your own. Uh, I hope. Lol.
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters used in this fanfiction.
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Pippin ran a hand through his curls which were beginning to turn grey. He sighed deeply. He could not believe that he was 75 years old. At one point in his life he thought he would never make it past 28, at another he thought he would never want to make it past 40. But here he was, 75 years old and still healthy and active. No doubt he would live to see 85.
Opposite him sat Merry, who was only two years away from his 85th birthday and just as healthy as Pippin was. Neither of them had really begun to feel the effects of aging much, except for a few strains of grey in Merry's curls. Both felt just as young and strong as they had twenty years ago.
Though on days like this one, when they had spent hours on end going over business details, they both felt closer to 111 than 75. Finally they were done and Merry had begun packing up his things. Pippin decided he would go fetch his favourite pony and go for a long ride once Merry had left. Spending some time out in the open was exactly what he needed right now.
"I will see you next month then" Merry said and put the last of his papers in his bag. "Unless something else comes up."
"I pray that it won't" Pippin said and rubbed his temples. "These meetings will kill me, mark my words!"
"They do say that the pen is sharper than the sword" Merry joked.
"Whoever said that must have had an office" Pippin decided. "See you in a month. Bring me shorter reports next time."
"I will do my best" Merry said and rose. "Oh, and Pippin… I don't know if this interests you or not, but you should know that you have a new heir."
"I what?"
"Your son had a son two days ago. Congratulations."
Pippin raised his eyebrows and was just about to comment when Merry left the room. Pippin had to admit that he was surprised. He hadn't even known Goldilocks was expecting. He wondered how she was doing now, but since Merry hadn't said anything he took it she was doing fine. Then he rose from his seat with a shrug to the shoulders and went to get his pony. This new piece of information did not change his life, it might just as well have been someone else's baby born. Right now all he wanted was to go out riding.
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Three days later Pippin found himself tying up his pony outside Crickhollow, where he had heard Faramir and Goldilocks were living. He didn't know why but his curiosity had drawn him there. He had thought long and hard before making the decision to come, but once his mind was made up he had gone straight to Crickhollow. No use wasting useful time, he would come there and see the child and then return to the Smials.
A very strange feeling came over him as he walked up the gravel path towards the round door. He had not set foot here in three decades, but it had been his home once. A long time ago. It felt like a lifetime. The exterior of the house had not changed much over the years, if he squinted Pippin could still picture himself raking the gravel path, talking to Diamond who would be doing her knitting by the opened window nearby. And somewhere in this picture was Merry, probably in the stables grooming the ponies. Those had been different times, happier times. The happiest of his life.
He knocked on the door and wondered if anybody would be able to hear it. He and Merry had never been able to hear the door knock, they had tied a bell to a string so that people could yank it and they would hear the bell ringing. The string was now gone, presumably the bell was too. But Pippin could hear footsteps on the other side of the door, someone had heard him.
Faramir opened the door and looked surprised to see him. But the surprise soon turned into a formal exterior.
"What can I do for you?" he asked.
Pippin felt oddly nervous. Faramir was standing in the doorway, and with Pippin on the ground that made the younger Hobbit just a bit taller than the older one. Pippin was not used to people looking down at him, the only one taller than him was Merry. He stepped up the three steps and came in a height he was used to.
"Merry told me that a baby had been born. Congratulations are in order."
"Thank you" Faramir said, in the same tone he would have used to a stranger.
"It seemed like I should come and see the child, it is customary when a heir has been born" Pippin said, not knowing why he felt so unsure.
"Heir?" Faramir echoed.
"When you take over office this boy will be the heir."
"It's not a boy" Faramir said and leaned against the doorpost with his arms crossed. "It's a girl actually."
"A girl? Merry said it was a boy!"
"It's not" Faramir said.
"I'm sorry" Pippin said. "A boy would have been preferable, your wife wouldn't have to risk another pregnancy if you had gotten an heir."
"A girl is fine with us" Faramir said. "Goldilocks is as strong as a horse and if she is anything like her mother she will have no trouble having a boy further down the line. You came here to see your heir, I'm sorry that all you got was a baby girl, but perhaps it's not a total waste. After all you are not required to come see the baby now that it's not your heir, so you won't have to waste your precious time. You can return to your other duties and not worry about feeling guilty. I'm sorry that you wasted your time. Although one might wonder why you found it necessary to come see your new heir after only five days when it took you four years to come see your first one."
The tone in Faramir's voice made Pippin feel like he should retreat. But he was not about to be chased away by this lad, he had come to see his grandchild and he was not planning on leaving before he had gotten to do so.
"Your snide remarks aside," he said to Faramir, "I am not here for your sake but for the baby's and if you want to be a good father you need to learn to put your feelings and needs second."
"Am I getting a lesson in parenting from you?"
"I think the baby should be visited by her grandfather" Pippin said firmly.
"Her grandfather already has come to see her" Faramir said. "Both her grandfathers. They came the very day she was born. You are a bit late. Either way she is sleeping and I won't disturb her. Come back some other time, she will still be here then."
That reply made Pippin back down. He gave Faramir a look which did not betray the hurt nor the anger he was feeling and then walked down the steps again.
"Do have a good life" he said as he walked back to his pony.
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Merry took his eyes off the baby in his arms and looked up at Faramir when he entered the room. He could tell that something had happened.
"Who was it?" he asked.
"Nobody important" Faramir said. "A misguided well-wisher."
"Do not hog the baby Merry, let me hold her now!" Sam insisted and lifted his granddaughter from Merry's arms into his own.
"She's beautiful, Faramir!" Merry said and cooed the baby. "But I've told you that already. Have you got a name for her yet?"
"No not yet" Faramir said. "For now she's just Baby."
He sat down with a heavy sigh and looked out the window. He could spot Pippin trotting off on his pony, disappearing behind a hilltop. He didn't know why but it made him feel sad.
"Faramir what is the matter?" Merry asked with a concerned frown.
"Nothing's the matter" Faramir said and turned his eyes back to the baby. He smiled slightly. "I was just wondering for how long Goldilocks planned on taking her nap. It would be a shame if she missed seeing you Sam while you're here."
"I'm not going anywhere for a few hours yet" Sam said and gently bounced the baby. "There's nothing quite like the smell of a newborn baby…"
Merry nodded in agreement and grabbed the baby by the foot. He grinned at her spit bubbles and was reminded of when Faramir was a newborn baby. Now he was all grown up, and by the looks of it not having the best day of his life, in spite of the new baby. Merry knew him well enough to know that even though he said everything was fine it was not.
"You have the same wrinkle in your forehead that Pippin gets when he tries to pretend he is doing great" he remarked.
Faramir snorted. Being reminded of Pippin was the last thing he wanted right now.
"I'm just tired, that's all. Baby does not exactly sleep for many hours in a row."
"You didn't at this age either" Merry said with a laugh. "Out of all the children I have cradled in my arms, you were by far the one with the shortest sleep span. Never more than an hour at a time."
"It's a miracle you kept me" Faramir remarked.
"Oh, you were such a delight" Merry said and cooed the baby. "Even though you sounded like five babies instead of one when you started to scream."
"I think that's enough stories of my childhood" Faramir decided and chuckled. "If you have to talk about it, please talk about the easier parts."
"There aren't any" Sam said with a grin. "Because then they grow up and make a career out of getting into mischief."
"Oh you wouldn't be a mischievous one, would you?" Merry said to the baby.
Faramir watched the two compete over who could pamper the baby more and felt a lot better than he had a few minutes ago. His daughter would have all the things that made his own childhood rich, and she would have it with her biological parents. And she would always have her grandparents and her many aunts and uncles there for her if she needed them.
XX
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"Peregrin!"
The voice stopped Pippin, who had been on his way out towards his favourite spot on the meadow by the Great Smials. He turned to see who had called out to him and saw Faramir approaching him. The younger Hobbit looked composed but Pippin could tell he was upset over something. Pippin could not figure out what, but whatever it was he hoped it wouldn't take long. If Faramir had something to say to him he could come during visiting hours, right now Pippin had some spare time and he wanted to spend it by his favourite spot.
"A minute of your precious time?"
"Make it quick" Pippin said. "I was on my way somewhere."
"Somewhere more important than wherever I may be" Faramir concluded. "That is always the case, isn't it?"
"If you have something to say, say it."
"I just wanted to say to you that you have been wrong. All my life you have been wrong. Every child deserves to be loved by their parents, and looking at my daughter I cannot believe you and I are even related. For when I look at her I feel my life has finally found a meaning. When you look at me you feel that yours lost its meaning. I know what blame you place upon my shoulders and you are wrong. It was not I who killed my mother, nobody killed my mother, she died at childbirth and it happens. When it does the father has the responsibility to love the child enough for both parents. And you didn't. In the end I just feel ashamed that I descend from you. I came here to tell you that you have been wrong, and also that you will not be seeing my daughter. When a son comes along you can officially declare him your heir if that is what the Thain must do, but there ends your contact with any children I might have in the future. You don't deserve to be in their lives. You had the obligation to be a part of mine, when you denied that you gave up the privilege of being a part of your grandchildren's. You never gave anything to me and I don't want you to give anything to them. The only paternal grandfather they will ever know is the one who truly deserves the title and who will make the most out of it. So don't come over anymore, stay away. You've done a pretty good job so far, I would hate to see that change."
"You say I did nothing for you?" Pippin asked. "Did you have a horrible childhood? I made good arrangements for you."
"Arrangements" Faramir scoffed. "They were not for me, they were for you. Stow the child away and pretend he never existed. Luckily for you you will never have to change that."
"Either you had a bad childhood or you didn't, if you did you ought to take that up with the people who raised you and if you didn't I can't see why you are giving me a tell-off to begin with."
"You failed me" Faramir said. "I just wanted you to know that."
Pippin watched him walk away and then continued his own walk down to the end of the meadow. There was a large oak tree there, it had stood for as long as anybody could remember. By the foot of the tree, protected by the shadows cast by the leaves, was a grave marked by a small stone platter. All other traces that someone laid buried here were since long gone. Pippin kneeled and efficiently got rid of the weed growing amongst the orchids that grew over the grave. They had been planted there once, but now they grew wild all around the tree.
"No weeds can there be among the flowers that guard my wife" Pippin said out loud as he finished weeding the part above where Diamond lay buried.
He rose to his feet and bowed his head as he always did when he came to visit her. He visited her every Tuesday, the day of the week she had been buried. Sometimes he came there more often, comforted by being as near her as he could get, but the only thing that kept him away on Tuesdays was if he was very ill our out on travels.
In his mind he began a conversation with Diamond, as he always did. When he came to visit her he updated her on what was happening around him, what he was thinking and feeling and what was going on with Faramir. She could never answer him, but just talking to her in his mind made him feel a whole lot better.
Once he was finished he remained standing there with his head bowed, reluctant to leave her. In many ways she was all that he had left, even though she had been gone for 35 years. It never occurred to him that that would be sad, he felt comforted by being near her grave and from the knowledge that the bond that had formed between them during their short time together could not be broken, even by death.
After a while, he did not know how long, he could hear footsteps approaching. He did not turn around to see who it was, he could still recognise those steps anywhere and he knew that he was meant to, otherwise the approaching Hobbit would not have walked loudly enough to be heard.
Merry came up to him and placed a hand on his shoulder.
"I can't stand by and watch anymore as you turn your back on everything that you were" he said. "I once said I would always come for you."
"Nobody is expecting you to come" Pippin said calmly. "And I'm not turning my back on anything. I'm just coping. Understand Merry that things changed irreversibly 35 years ago and nothing anybody can say or do is ever going to make that undone. You haven't helped me because you can't help me. There's no need to feel bad or like you went back on a promise."
Merry didn't say anything but he kept his hand on Pippin's shoulder. After a few minutes Pippin bit his lip and tilted his head back up.
"Why did you tell me the baby was a boy?"
"I was afraid you wouldn't come if it was a girl. How did you find out that it wasn't a boy?"
"I came" Pippin said. "I was not welcome."
"Oh Pippin…"
Pippin shrugged his shoulders. He was not surprised. Merry didn't know what to say, he felt bad for his cousin but he couldn't pretend that he didn't understand Faramir.
"You cannot blame him though" he said. "It's hard for him. And it probably stung that you didn't come to see him until you were forced to when he was four years old, yet you came to see your grandson so soon after his birth."
"You think I'm a terrible father, don't you?" Pippin said, stating facts more than anything else.
Merry was taken aback by the comment. The truth was he didn't think Pippin was a real father at all, but he couldn't very well say that.
"Pippin I don't know how to respond to that."
"I know you think that I didn't care. And that I never lifted a finger for his sake. But you're wrong. He is wrong. All of you are."
"How are we wrong?" Merry asked and squeezed Pippin's shoulder. "Dear foolish Pip, you everything but publicly disowned him!"
"You know I do not love him, I will not pretend that I ever have" Pippin said. "But never let it be said that I didn't give him anything. I gave him everything. All that I had left. I gave him the one thing that mattered the most to me, now that Diamond was gone. I gave him you."
"Me?"
"Yes. I gave you up Merry, for his sake. My best friend, the other half of me, the mirror image of my own soul. I needed you desperately but I knew he would need you more."
"I'm sorry, this makes no sense" Merry said. "Gave me up? How did you do that? Were we not friends when Faramir was little? There was no stopping us from being as close as always save for you and your stubbornness."
"Merry I couldn't love him, I just couldn't. Not because I blamed him for what happened to Diamond, but because of the effect losing her had on me. You don't know, you can't know how it was. She was everything to me, my whole world, she was the gold that awaited me at the end of the rainbow. When I was with her all the pain and suffering I carried with me from the war just became light as clouds and vanished. I loved her so much, and losing her was without a doubt the worst thing that ever happened to me."
"You don't have to tell me how much you cared for her" Merry said. "I was there. I know. All the good parts and all the bad parts."
"When she died I was left with an infant that I knew I wouldn't be allowed, or able, to care for. And loving him was never an option. I would not have been able to love him as much as a father would, and then have him taken away from me. Because he would be taken away. I would lose him, and that would hurt far too bad for me to be able to deal with it. I could not afford to love him knowing that all I would ever get was a visit a few days each week. I would be cheated of his whole childhood, never there to read him stories or wake him up in the morning or soothe him when he hurt himself. All I would have would be a few hours here or there. I would be likely to miss his first step, his first word, his first smile. And he would be growing up in another family, not knowing who to cling to, the one who fathered him or the one raising him. I know you think I made the wrong decision but it was the only decision I could make, had I loved him I would not have made it through."
"As much as it would have hurt you to say goodbye when you left him, the moments you would have had with him would more than make up for it. Those moments would have helped you get through. You would have seen that he was worth every sacrifice you made."
"I have never resented him for the sacrifice I did make" Pippin said. "Was he worth giving you up? I don't know. But it was all I had to give him. Merry I couldn't have just a few moments here or there, it would have ruined me. Saying goodbye to Diamond was hard enough, having to parent her son from a distance would be even harder."
"But Pippin you never gave me up" Merry said. "Not for Faramir, not for anyone. We ended our friendship years later, for other reasons."
"No" Pippin said. "I knew from the start that it could not work that way. That is why it took me a whole week to make my decision. It was the hardest choice of my life but I knew in my heart that it was the only choice I could make."
"I don't understand."
"Like I said, I couldn't love him and I knew that much. He had to be given away and you were the only one I trusted enough to look after him. But I knew that if I gave him to you things would have to change forever between us. It would not be long before you would have to be forced to choose sides, you would not be able to love me like I was used to and love him the way he needed to be loved at the same time. With me not loving him and wanting nothing to do with him you would end up in situations where you would be unable to combine your loyalties. Your loyalty would have to be put to the test time and time again and I knew without a shred of doubt that you would have to choose the child in the end, every time. A horrible position to put you in, and I'm sorry for it. For many years I tried to go on like things were the same, selfishly holding on to you for as long as I could. But then there came a day when I knew that it was just not working. So I cut you loose, I gave you the perfect opportunity to step away from me and focus only on him, and you took it. Just like I knew you would."
"You mean that whole argument was a set up?"
"Who in their right mind blames a child for the mother dying at childbirth?" Pippin said. "True I did for a few months shortly after it happened but once I came to my senses I knew that it was not the child's fault. But I hooked the bate and you swallowed it. You were all I had left in the world and I pushed you away so that you could take care of my child. I gave him to you with the knowledge of how it would have to be, because I couldn't think of anyone better to raise him. It was the best possible thing I could do for the boy. You and you alone would be able to love him like I would have if things were different. I had depended on your love every moment of my life up until that moment, and I gave it all to him. I knew of nothing better to give to him, the most precious gift I still had in life. I knew you would love him for us both, love him like you and I loved each other."
"I said something similar to him once, when I gave him his name" Merry mused. "I promised to love him as much as you and I loved one another."
"And you made good on that promise."
"Oh Pippin…" Merry said. "Why did you have to go do all of this? Why?"
"If you don't understand it yet then we have grown further apart than I thought. I gave my son the grandest thing I knew to give, I gave him you, my rock, for him to hold on to from now on. And you've never failed me."
"All those stubborn refusals to see him… All those ludicrous accusations towards him…"
"I was afraid of falling in love with him when I saw him. Luckily I didn't, enough time had passed. And those accusations were all tests of your loyalty, until I finally broke loose. You are the only one to know the truth Meriadoc, and I don't want you to tell anybody else about it. You obviously can't understand it, so I don't care about telling anybody else. Especially Faramir."
It was the second time Merry had ever heard Pippin say his name
"I think he would want to know" Merry said softly. "I think he deserves to know."
"No" Pippin said. "Let him hate me. Let him love you. Let his life be the way that it is, he would never understand anyhow and it would do him no good to know. He would only be confused all over again and he doesn't need that. I was never fit to be a parent anyhow. And I don't want to try and bond with him now, after all these years."
"Can you really be happy knowing that there is no bond between you and your only son?" Merry asked.
"Your son, Merry" Pippin said. "Didn't I tell you I gave him to you for as long as my life would last? As far as I'm concerned I never had a son…"
"Fool of a Took" Merry said. "I never thought it would come to this. Not in a million years. Do you know how many times I wished I wasn't raising your son? It never made sense for him to be with me when he belonged with you."
"I'm sorry to hear that" Pippin said. "Perhaps I made a mistake thinking you would be able to love him enough."
"It was never a question of love, I love him like he was my own. He feels like he's my own. But he's not. And for all the things you believe you gave him you took away the only father he's ever had and left him alone to feel unwanted and unloved. Curse you for that, Pippin."
"Then there's nothing more to say" Pippin said. "After all this time we have finally come to the end of the line. You know my truth now, do with it as you wish. Goodbye, cousin Merry. You were a good friend."
Merry had since long pulled back his hand and wished he could will Pippin into turning around and facing him. He hated having this conversation with Pippin's neck. But perhaps that was only fitting. Pippin turned his back on everything these days. It was the only thing he knew how to do. Upset Merry turned and began to leave, but he only got a few steps before he had to stop and turn to face Pippin one last time.
"Do you know what I hate the most?" he asked. "It's not that I still love you after all of this. It's that Faramir does. And he hates himself for it. He hates himself every time he rejects you, every time he recognises part of you in himself and every time he is reminded that he was not good enough for his own father to love. But he loves you and he always has, part of him still wishes today that you would take him in his arms and hold him like you never did when he was a child. That is what I hate the most. That is what's hardest to come to terms with. His heart is aching and it always has been. Because of you."
Pippin finally turned around and looked at his cousin. Merry could see that he had tears in his eyes. A little too late, Merry thought.
"You love me still?"
"Pippin have you heard a word I just said?"
"Just go" Pippin said. "Go and never return. Send someone else to do business, let us cut off all our bonds right here and now. For everyone's sake."
"There is a bond here that will never break" Merry said and began walking back to Pippin. "Frankly I won't let you do this to yourself. You may never have loved Faramir, I don't know whether or not that is true, but I know that you stopped loving yourself when Diamond died. You blame yourself for her death and you have been punishing yourself ever since. Stop it. You have made amends by now. Let somebody love you Pippin, please! Before it's too late."
"It was too late many years ago."
Merry pulled Pippin close for a hug, the first hug they had shared in two decades.
"Little cousin… I will always come for you when you're sinking, don't you know that I will? It might be too late with Faramir, but let me love you. Faramir is grown up now, the old rules you set up no longer apply. I want my best friend back."
"No" Pippin whispered through tears and broke the hug. He gave Merry a pat on the shoulder and forced a smile. "Go back to him. He needs you now more than ever, someone has to teach him how to be a great parent. Go and let this be my last gift to the both of you. And when you look at him, think of the things we shared once."
XX
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From a nearby hilltop Faramir stood and watched his birth father being hugged by his surrogate father. He could not make out what they were saying but he could see a glimpse of the friendship that had once been between them. When he saw his real father walk away he turned and left to meet up with him. Together he and Merry would leave the Great Smials, not to return until Peregrin had joined Diamond under the big oak.
XX
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For now Pippin was alone under the tree, Diamond too far away for him to reach. He fell down on his knees and gently caressed the platter that stated her year of birth and the year her short life had ended.
"I did the best I could…" he whispered to her. "I did the best I could for our son."
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Thank you for reading! It's been a pleasure having you with me. If you got this far I "rewarded" you by finally letting Pippin speak his mind. Whether or not he did the right thing, or reasoned in the right way, is open for discussion, his explanation is not meant to be either the grand truth or the big wrong. I leave it up to the reader to decide if Pippin was wrong or right, or perhaps a little of both.
Anyways, I hope you will be with me when I start posting my new series, although it might be a while. This time around I'm planning on finish writing it first, and then start posting it. We'll see whether or not I'll be able to keep that goal, since I'm barely half done yet… What I can tell you about that series is that it will be another angst-ish one, so if you thought I did a good job here then hopefully you will like that one to. Above all though, if you thought I didn't do a good job, or have any other opinions on how I can improve my writing and my storytelling then please let me know! I would greatly value any constructive criticism you might have!
Thank you for being with me!