Warning: This part does contain non-consensual sex so beware. If you don't like that kind of stuff please exit now. Thanks for the interest.
The parts in italics are flashbacks
As always feedback is much appreciated. So on with the show…
Memories
These days she spent all her time on base. Working, staying awake, and fighting the memories … someone else's memories.
She'd taken to consuming vast amounts of coffee, outdoing even Daniel. She hardly ever ate anymore, so it wasn't unusual when she missed a meal or two.
But today was different. The hundreds of calculations, theories and formulas on the screen in front of her did nothing to capture her attention. Did nothing to occupy her mind and keep the horrors at bay.
She found herself wandering towards the gym. Airman stood to attention as she walked past, she nodded in acknowledgement at first, and then gave up.
The room was empty when she entered, cold and stagnant. She watched her movements reflected on the mirror lining the far wall. Hollow eyes bored into hers, sunken with dark circles. She studied the form in front of her, reaching out, her fingertips lingering over the reflection. She looked pale her hair limp. She was thinner than she use to be she noted. A stranger even to herself, a shadow of who she was before Jolinar.
Abruptly she turned around plunging into a gruelling session of exercise. Peripherally she was aware of her frantic movements rushing across the mirrors. Sweat trickled down her back, into her eyes making them sting. Her black t-shirt clung to her body. Her muscles ached, breaths came in shallow gasps.
She pushed herself harder needing to feel the strain on her body. Maybe exhausted she'd sleep without dreams, without Jolinar's memories. Without thoughts of Martouf and Binaar, of tropical sunsets, Tok'ra tunnels, sordid affairs, sweat the revulsion and fear…
She could feel his sweat slick body bearing down on her; his weight pinning her to the hard mattress.
She felt his hands grope at her body, slip under her rags and fondle her breasts. She felt sick. Revulsion rose to her throat threatening to consume her. It was all she could do not to throw him off.
He tore her clothes off her battered form; the flimsy material giving away with little resistance, leaving her feeling vulnerable.
Above her she could hear his laboured breaths, feel his clumsy hands. His lips roamed her body trailing saliva. He pressed down harder against her, his arousal evident, pressing against her thigh.
God what had she set herself up for?
All too soon he was pushing into her. God it hurt. He was too large, too hard, her revulsion and fear had left her dry, unprepared.
He forced his length inside her, slamming in with each thrust, burying himself to the hilt.
He settled on a frenzied pace. Each thrust an agony. She felt as though her insides were being ripped open. He pulled out then rammed back in at the same time pulling her hips up to meet his thrust, in and out…
Her movements matched her thoughts as her fists pummelled the punch-bag in front of her. Pain shot up her wrists, the feeling a welcome distraction. She held onto the pain focused on it and carried on pounding the bag in desperation.
She needed the pain a reminder that she could still feel, that all her feelings and thoughts were not Jolinar's.
There was a light touch on her shoulder. She turned intent on punching whoever was behind her, and then froze seeing who it was. She stared at her team mate, fist still in the air but the fury in her eyes dissolved
"Major Carter you must desist or you will injure yourself further", Teal'c spoke, his low baritone voice grounding her. "You must seek assistance, you are hurt."
For a moment she was confused as to what he meant then following his gaze looked down at her hand. She brought up her hand looking at the blood flowing from her grazed knuckles with detached curiosity. "I'm fine Teal'c."
In reply he tilted his head to the side raising an eyebrow a clear sign that he didn't agree. He waited for her to elaborate.
But she couldn't, suddenly she felt exhausted as the adrenaline drained from her body. She turned towards the door.
"Major Carter." She paused hearing her name. "Please allows us to help," he stated.
She couldn't not yet.
TBC…
Promise next parts will be up in a couple of days ;-)