QUOTE: "If our bodies could talk... no, wait, our bodies can talk. Mouths, duh." -AJ, my insnane Bio partner who thinks he's a superhero
-STUCK WITH ME-
-BY WHENICOMEAROUND-
-CHAPTER THREE-
I don't love him. I can't love him. I don't. I can't.
Ana was sitting on the beach, rocking back and forth, looking like a nervous nut in a mental institute. She had barely slept or eaten anything in two days, and she was on the verge of murdering herself for it.
Sawyer's fever had come back. He was now lying unconscious in what everyone called The Hatch, but that fat jolly guy called the House of Doom. Ha, ha. Ana wasn't in the mood for anything funny.
Ana couldn't stop thinking about him. Sawyer. All he'd ever done was try to get her to like him, and all she'd ever done was throw it in his face.
I don't love him. I do NOT love him.
Ana ripped her fingernail off her thumb. She knew she needed to go down and see Sawyer. She knew she should say up here for that blond girl's funeral. But she couldn't. She had screwed up so badly, she was surprised she was even still alive.
I do NOT love him.
Then why are you sitting on the beach, thinking about him?
I do NOT love him!
Ana was having a silent argument with herself. She had been doing that constantly since they crashed.
Ana was going crazy and she knew it.
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Jack was staring at Sawyer's half-dead body, wondering what he was going to do now. He had finally gotten rid of Kate by sending her off to get food for Sawyer- she was down here a lot lately, hovering over Jack's shoulder, looking nervous. Jack knew this had nothing to do with Sawyer but Kate's need to feel useful. Nevertheless, he let her do what she needed to do.
Suddenly, Sawyer stirred.
"Sawyer?" said Jack, leaning forward. "You okay?"
Sawyer mumbled something that Jack couldn't understand.
"What?"
"Where is she?" Sawyer whispered.
Jack's eyebrows pressed together. "You mean Kate? She's been down here forever, man. I sent her up to get some fruit for y-"
No, not Kate, you idiot, Sawyer was thinking. HER. Where is SHE?
"I love her." Sawyer whispered so quietly and indistinctly that had it not been him saying these words, he wouldn't have even heard them.
"What did you say?" said Jack, his voice growing sharper.
Oh, of course. He thinks I'm talking about Freckles. Ha ha, very funny, Jackass.
But Sawyer did not have the energy to clarify, and even if he did, he loved seeing Jack looking torn between angry and sympathetic for him at the same time.
"I love her." he said louder and clearer, but still whispered. Then he fell asleep before he could say her name: "Ana."
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Ana stood up. She didn't know where she was going or what she was going to do, but she knew she had to do something. She would go even more insane just sitting here and thinking.
Ana let her feet lead her to the hatch and her mind wander. She wrenched open the door and stomped in.
She continued walking until she heard voices.
"You'd better get up there, for Shannon's funeral."
"Actually, I was thinking I would stay here with Sawyer."
Jack and that girl. Kathy, was her name? Ana was no good with remembering names. Kathy? Katie?
"I'll stay with him," said Ana, letting herself interrupt.
The girl- Kathy? Katie?- jumped. Jack looked surprised.
"Really, it's okay." " said Jack. "I'll stay."
"Um." said Ana, glancing from Sawyer to the girl- Kathy? Katie?- and back. "You guys should be there. You know... the funeral..." she trailed off.
Jack gave Ana a bracing smile. "It was an accident, you know."
"I... it's..."
Jack got up and put a strong hand on her shoulder. "It's okay." he said. He turned to the girl- Kathy? Katie?- and said, "C'mon, Kate. Let Ana stay, if she wants to." he looked back at Ana. "He's still sleeping, so there's not much to do. Keep him hydrated, though. Try mashing up some fruit, maybe. I'll be back in about an hour- and Locke told you about the button, right?"
"Yeah." said Ana.
"Yeah, don't forget about it. We'll be back in an hour or two." He smiled and left.
Kate looked somewhat relieved. She gave Ana a weak smile as she followed Jack out.
Once she was sure Jack and Kate were gone, Ana sat down in the chair next to Sawyer.
"Can you hear me?"
Sawyer didn't stir.
"You're asleep, right?"
Still, Sawyer stayed sound asleep.
Ana looked around, but her eyes kept flicking back towards Sawyer.
"I don't love you, you know." she said after some silence.
Sawyer stirred but didn't wake. Ana knew he wasn't hearing anything she said anyway, but she had to say it.
"Wish I were you right now," said Ana. "What I wouldn't give to die..."
And then, without any warning, Ana found herself telling Sawyer everything- about the crash, and the Others, and the kids... about her life before the island and how she'd gotten shot and about her relationship with her mother. Ana talked for an hour without realizing it. It was the alarm that brought her out of her trance.
Ana got up and walked to the circular room. She looked at the paper beside the computer and punched in the numbers; 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42, execute.
She went back to Sawyer after the timer flipped back to 108:00. She sat down in the same chair and resumed babbling.
"Strange, that computer thing is." said Ana, putting her feet up on the table beside Sawyer's bed. She stopped suddenly, realizing she was out of things to say.
Even though his eyes were closed, Ana's heart ached when she looked at them. She knew what was behind those eyelids.
Ana felt like exploding. She wondered how she could kill herself without actually killing herself.
She then went back to arguing with herself when a tiny voice popped into her head: you love him.
Do not.
Do too.
I do NOT.
Yes, you do, said that nasty little voice in the back of her mind. Otherwise, you'd be up there for that blond girl's funeral and that nervous wreck of a doctor and the girl who's always hanging around him would be down here instead. No, you wouldn't even be at the funeral. No. Ana is too selfish to admit she did something wrong.
It was an accident, Ana thought rapidly. An accident! It could have been anyone.
But it wasn't anyone, Ana. It was you.
Ana looked at Sawyer, who was, needless to say, still sleeping.
"It was an accident," Ana said to him. "an accident. Yeah."
Sure, said that same voice in the back of her head. Tell yourself that, Ana. It was an accident. Just like you being down here is an accident.
Don't even start. I don't love him.
You tell yourself that, Ana, but you know the truth.
I don't love him!
Yes, you do.
No, I don't!
Do!
Don't!
Do!
"ALL RIGHT!" Ana yelled, standing up. "I love you, okay?" she shouted at the half-dead body that was Sawyer.
She stalked off, leaving him all alone. The one thing Ana Cortez had to be grateful for at that moment was that Sawyer was half dead and didn't hear a word she'd said.
Too bad she was wrong.