Remember, all characters portrayed in this story property of the creators of Kingdom of Heaven and I claim to rights to them save this what I do in this story.  P.S. This story was inspired by "Lord of the Rings: The Secret Diaries" by Cassie.

The Journal of Balian

Day One of the Journey

I was just informed by Lord Godfrey of Ibelin that I am his bastard son. Damn. I guess this means I'm not Jesus after all. Mother always told me that my father was a "special man" and being religious, I thought she meant God. I could never understand why a boy as special as I, the son of God, wasn't treated better as a child. None of the other children wanted to play with me. Now I am told that I am just some rotten nobleman's bastard son and that he wants me to go to Jerusalem with him. Boy, did His Lordship just shoot that one down; he didn't even need an arrow. Fat chance I ever do anything for him. Ever.

Day Two of the Journey

Now with Lord Godfrey… I think I am now damned by God… I should be… I killed a priest, that's what happens when A) you have had too much to drink B) are not Jesus C) pissed off at Lord Godfrey D) are very drunk and E) have a hot sword in your hand and nowhere else to put it. Burned down most of shop, very bad for business… perhaps priests are not such good sheaths after all. Found him wearing my wife's cross, in that my actions are somewhat justified, since I only saw it afterwards. Only with His Lordship because I need to be in God's good graces again, I have no wish to join my wife in Hell, won't be much fun if she doesn't have a head. But perhaps it would be good because then she would nag so much… hmm, a thought there…

Lord Godfrey was shot earlier by the men that were coming to take me away. That's what happens when you kill one of God's men; the King stays in favor by killing you. Silly, I thought all murder was evil… I guess the Crusades make that a false statement, since we kill in God's name. I guess it is alright to kill a priest then, I did it in God's name.

Day Eight of Journey

Met some man by the name of Guy de Lusignan… stupid git if I ever saw one, and he is French. I hate the bloody French… they smell funny, too much hair, and drink too much wine. Besides, what kind of idiot wears white to fight a battle?

Lord Godfrey died after knighting me… still had the strength to slap me though; impressive act for a man in his state. Abusive child beater… perhaps its good that mother never told me about him… Now to cross water to get to Jerusalem, I hate boats, which are why I am a bloody blacksmith, mother wanted me to be a seaman, and I told her to go to Hell… another good reason to go to Jerusalem and be in God's favor, never see my mother again.

Day Twenty of Journey

Finally! In Jerusalem with a smelly sidekick; I am very glad to be off boat, even if I had to fight after leaving it. Stupid git thought my horse was his property, grrrr. At least the fool is dead now. Some git greeted me there and asked me a bunch of random questions about Lord Godfrey, how am I to know what color his effying eyes are! It's not like I sit around all day staring into random men's eyes… well, this one time at band camp… never mind. Went up on the high hill to talk to God and all I got was a bunch of random Crusaders asking me if I wanted to blow their horns… very inappropriate for men of their stature… they must be French or from Gondor.

Day Twenty-five (Not Journeying)

Met some woman who wore lots of clothing and asked for water; she must have known that I don't have water to spare but she still effying asked for it! Very cute though, only reason why I didn't say no… that, and I am a very lonely man… Crusader horns not looking so bad now…

Later…

Met the local village idiot AKA Nasir. He has toys! I didn't even have toys as a child, even though I was Jesus! IF I was Jesus I could save this leopard king who wears that cool mask all the time… wait is it leopard or leper… must look into that. So what if I am Godfrey's son who has only had a sword for twenty-five days, I am the best damn swordsman in Jerusalem (the city will rely on me to protect it, but I don't know that yet, plus I don't do a good job of it). The woman who wears too much clothing is the king's sister, now I really need to shag her… hot, wealthy, future ruler and already married… no strings attached!

Day Thirty of Not Journey

Finally had good random shag with future queen, not as good as I had hoped. Must try again and teach her a thing or two, bloody Frenchman must not know what he is doing. Bloody sheep shagger (is that even a word?) or he fancies little boys… must watch such a men closely, never know what they will do next, just look on CSI.

Day Fifty of the Not Journey

Was asked to be next king and marry queen, told them no, it wasn't in my contract, I was only to shag her, not rule her country; takes the sport out of it. Nags me like my dead wife who killed off my child. That's not fair, my wife didn't do it… my bloody apprentice did. Stupid git probably still has that runny nose…

Day Six-one of the Not Journey

Woman who wears too much clothing is queen, I am NOT king but must defend her land. Should at least get a good shag out of the deal but she said no, she is "in mourning". For what! Her brother couldn't shag her and her husband liked little boys and men with hair that is half blond and half red.

Day Six-Three of the Not Journey

Lost city for the queen, tough shit. Asked her to come home with me and after good long shag she agreed. SCORE! Maybe apprentice rebuilt shop…

Back Home

Was asked to point way to Jerusalem to some man who said he was the king of England… I know he isn't because I AM JESUS! Damn I'm good. New shag partner, new shop, new apprentice… life is good. Must go now, woman wants shag lesson.

THE END

I know this isn't my usual style but I have been having a hard time getting back into the swing of writing after Christmas break and wanted to ease back into things. Thanks again to my roommate and her editing skills.