Chapter 24 by Abbot & Natters

For those of you who are slightly confused or freaked out... The levitating monkey was indeed a nod to the "Wizard of Oz." flying monkeys.

Sam's POV

I suppose it could be worse. The Monkey could have been telling everyone that I'm in lo… deep trouble enough with my feelings as they are. But honestly, using a Monkey to tell when you're wife is most likely to be fertile. That's… scientifically sound but… ergh! I never want to hear about pheromones again.

The Colonel was nice enough to excuse Olmas and Hugh for the evening so they could… whatever. "Go forth and multiply" were his exact words.

Men.

It's like it's a huge party just for them. And the women who were chosen but are unattached are walking around like cats in heat. Like that hussy who keeps staring at MY Colonel… I did not just think that, did I? It's like Hathor all over again. Except back then I had no idea that…

Daniel thinks it's funny. Every 'available' male here, excluding the Colonel and Teal'c, has made a pass at me tonight, when they saw I wasn't being dragged off to some cave by one of my team-mates. At first it was kinda fun, seeing the guys get all protective when another man came near me, but now, I'm about ready to kill. And if she checks him out one more time, it's gonna be her!

"MajorCarter?"

"Yes Teal'c?"

"Are you well?"

"I'm fine. Why?"

"There is a grinding noise coming from your teeth I have never heard you issue before."

Daniel laughs. Just you wait Daniel. You and Janet have been having far too much fun at my expense this week. It's my turn the second we get home. In fact… As Teal'c would say 'it is time to dispatch two aviary creatures with but one boulder.'

I stand up and make my way over to the flirty female. I notice the Colonel tense, as if he's getting ready to fight, or flee.

"Good eve." I greet the other woman pleasantly, in the way Daniel instructed me earlier.

"Good eve." She replies haughtily.

"I'm Sam."

"I am named Keja."

"Well Keja, I need your help." I almost smile at the way her eyes bulge out of their sockets. "You see my companions, over there."

She nods. "They are guarding you against our men-folk."

"Yes. Two of them I can handle on my own, but I need your help to distract the third. Are you game?"

"Game?"

"Will you help me?" 'Come in to my parlor, stupid fly.'

"Yes."

"Good. I need you to distract the one with glasses. Daniel is his name. Can you do that? Oh, and feel free to mark him as much as you wish."

"What of the silvered one?"

Hands off! "He is already married on our world."

"I shall tell no one. One night is all I desire."

"Unfortunately the tall one, Teal'c, would. The Colonel is married to his sister."

"I agree to your plan."

"Good. Come on then." I lead the stupid one over to our fire. "Guys, Keja here says she'd like to learn more about our world." I feel the Colonel eyeing me as if assessing my motives. He doesn't even spare her a second glance.

"Daniel. Why don't you explain our marriage ceremony to Keja. After all, we saw one yesterday."

Daniel immediately launches in to an explanation of the Irish Catholic wedding.

The Colonel gestures for me to sit down. I strategically place myself between Keja and him. Is he smirking at me?

Suddenly, Daniel squeaks. There is no other word for it. He squeaked. It looks like Keja's giving him a hickey, and he's trying to get away without hurting her feelings.

"Teal'c!"

He yells for help and the Jaffa unceremoniously picks her up and carries her away from our fire. I can't hear what he says to her, but he comes back alone.

Daniel is rubbing his neck. He has one huge hickey coming up. Yep. Two birds with one stone. Three, if you count Janet.

"Space Monkey, when we get home, the Doc is SO gonna kill you," says the Colonel with that big grin of his, and winks at me.

Daniel's POV

Oh man, this was hilarious. First, the monkey - looked like a Rhesus Macac- makes a huge deal over Sam, which means she's super-fertile and blessed by Ntashenzska, the local hearth diety. It also means that she has a mate picked out. So, all the guys have been coming around, wondering if it's them. Sure, they had to duck Teal'c and Jack, but some of them mustered the courage to be rejected. Ah, it's like highschool all over again. And then, the deal breaker. Sam is staring down some local girl. I figure she just doesn't like other blondes. Teal'c turns to her.

"MajorCarter?"

"Yes Teal'c?"

"Are you well?"

Her eye is twitching, and she's speaking through barred teeth.

"I'm fine. Why?"

"There is a grinding noise coming from your teeth I have never heard you issue before."

Oh yes. I looked a little closer, and it wasn't a staring match. The local blonde girl was starring at O'Neill! I fell off the bench I was laughing so hard. I mean, this local fertility drug must have had some pretty powerful stuff in it, because Sam's looking like she's going to stab this girl if she keeps looking at 'her' Colonel!

I manage to regain control. Sam's gotten up, walked over and started talking to the blonde in the polite way that girls do when they really, really hate one another. She's talking, and nodding, and Jack's looking for the exits. He can smell something. I figure Sam's giving her what for. Suddenly, Sam comes back.

"Guys, Keja here says she'd like to learn more about our world."

Yeah, sure. Wants to know the Colonel's world is more like it. The girl is standing there, shy. Suddenly, Jack calls Sam's bluff. He doesn't even take his eyes off of Carter.

"Daniel. Why don't you explain our marriage ceremony to Keja. After all, we saw one yesterday."

So, I launch into the details, starting with Ireland and the Catholic Church. Sam sits down beside the Colonel. He tenses up, but nothing happens. He's staring at Carter, waiting for a trick. But there isn't. I'm staring at them too, mouth going, when suddenly Keja jumps me. She gets me by the neck, biting down. I can't breathe, so I make this weird sound and go down in a tangle of limbs.

"Teal'c!"

I manage to get out a name, trying to push away the push girl without hurting her feelings. My jaffa friend, of course, has no compunctions either way and jsut hauls her off. Carter is grinning like a cat that ate a mouse.

"Space Monkey, when we get home, the Doc is SO gonna kill you," Jack blurts out, laughing a little. Carter curls up to him oh so gently. I noticed, rubbing my neck, and plot furious vengeance.