I feel a falling sensation for what seems like forever and just when my body jerks upwards I land with a thud next to the couch. I look around and notice it is still dark and that I must have rolled off the couch. I look over to the cable box and see that it is only 5 AM and I am wide awake. I can tell from the dead silence throughout the condo that everyone is still sleeping so I quietly change into my running clothes. I leave a note on my pillow letting everyone know I went for a run and head out the door. Once I am outside I notice about an inch of snow is covering the ground making everything look so clean and peaceful. I turn on my mp3 player and start running towards the lake. Once I reach the lake I run to the end of Navy Pier and can see the beginnings of the sunrise. I watch for a few minutes as the sun breaks over the cold, choppy waters of Lake Michigan before I head back to the condo.
I quietly walk back into the condo and notice that everything is still dark and quiet. I finish my work out with a series of push-ups and sit-ups and then hop in the shower to get ready for the day. By the time I head out of the bathroom I hear an alarm going off in Prue's room, then Piper swearing as she trips on her way to the door. By the time she opens the door she was in a full rant and I was trying to contain my laughter.
Piper: Always leaving her stuff all over the floor and doesn't understand why I get mad! What are you laughing at?
Paige: Nothing, just laughing.
Piper: Yeah right. Go back to bed.
I burst into laughter as Piper shuts the bathroom door. I head into the kitchen and start the coffee that Prue had setup last night. I then head back into the living room and watch 'Saved by the Bell' waiting for my family to wake up. Around 45 minutes later Piper walks into the kitchen still going on about Prue's messiness.
Paige: You still going on about how you tripped this morning.
Piper: I don't know how she doesn't kill herself walking around her room, I tripped at least 3 times. I'm done now. You want breakfast?
Paige: Yes, please.
Piper: I'll make us a cheese omlete, why don't you get us some juice. How long have you been up?
Paige: A couple of hours. You think you started your day off on the wrong foot, I fell off the couch.
Piper: Oh, that would have been funny to see. You used to fall out of bed all the time when you were younger. You and Phoebe move around so much when you sleep, its a wonder you wake up rested.
Paige: Maybe that is why we are so skinny, burning all those calories while we sleep.
Piper: Smart ass. Breakfast is ready. So have you been watching infomercials all morning?
Paige: Nope. I went running, got ready for the day, had a good laugh, and then turned on the v.
Piper: Ha-ha. Well I have to leave for work soon so you'll have to try and live without me today.
Paige: I'll try my best. Hopefully the others will wake up soon.
Piper: I heard mom getting up so she'll be out shortly. I've got to run, can you do the dishes, thanks.
After finishing the dishes I went back to channel surfing, thinking how there can be nothing on tv if you have over 100 channels.
Mom: Anything good on?
I shake my head and turn the tv off as my mom sits next to me with her coffee in hand.
Paige: Piper went to work not too long ago, she'll be back at 6 PM.
Mom: Ok. Anything you want to do today?
I yawn and shake my head. I guess I didn't get enough sleep last night.
Mom: Here sweetie put your head down on my lap and I'll play with your hair. What time did you get up today.
Paige: 5, I couldn't sleep anymore so I went for a run.
Mom: Well why don't you just close your eyes and relax.
Paige: Mom... can you tell me about...Sam?
Mom: Sure honey. What do you want to know?
Paige: Anything, was he a good man?
Mom: He was a very good man. Sam was a doctor at the hospital I was a nurse at. I met him in the cafeteria, we had seen each other a lot through out the hospital, but never introduced ourselves. Right off the bat everything clicked. We talked about everything. He would take me and your sisters to the zoo on his day off. He loved kids. He was so excited when I told him I was pregnant, he proposed to me right away and I accepted. We were so in love and he loved you so much. He would put his head down by my stomach and tell you about all the fun stuff we were going to do when you were born. We were so happy and then about five months before you were born he was in a terrible car accident and died. Paige he loved you with all his heart and so do I.
I wipe away my tears so relieved that Sam was a good man and that he loved me.
Paige: I know you love me. Thanks for telling me, Victor told me you were raped and that I was just a horrible reminder of everything.
Mom: Oh god, Paige, never. You're father was a very loving man he would never hurt a soul. We were very much in love. I'm so sorry I kept this a secret, I should have told you when you were old enough to understand. I just didn't want you to feel different from your sisters.
Paige: I know, I understand. It's ok.
Mom: It's not ok. I kept this from you and you were hurt. Victor hurt you because of my secret.
Paige: Mom, Victor hurt me for a lot of reasons not just because of this secret. So don't blame yourself for this. It is my fault too. I should have said something to you about the abuse, but I didn't.
Mom: Why didn't you say anything?
Paige: I wanted to, but he threatened to tell Prue, Piper, and Phoebe that I wasn't their real sister. That my father raped you and how I was this constant reminder of all the pain my father caused you. I knew they would hate me if they knew and I couldn't stand that so I kept quiet believing that I deserved to be punished for what my dad did to you.
Mom: I'm so sorry. Don't you worry you'll never have to see him again, I promise. I'm so sorry baby.
We were now both crying and she had shifted my body so I was sitting in her lap with my head on her shoulder. She was rubbing my back and whispering over and over how sorry she was. I wanted to tell her it was ok and not to be sorry, but I couldn't. I knew three people shared the responsibility for the abuse. Myself for not telling anyone, my mom for not telling me about my father or noticing my behavior changes toward Victor, but mainly the blame lied with Victor. He took out his anger of my mom's relationship with Sam out on me. I notice that my mom had now stopped crying and was trying to console me by rubbing my back, kissing the top of my head, and whispering, "it's ok baby, I've got you." I wipe away my tears and work on getting my breathing back under control and soon I can feel myself relax into my mother's embrace and my eyes getting heavy.
Mom: Baby, I know your tired, but I need you to tell me what Victor did to you and show me the scars now. Ok?
Paige: I...I don't want to.
Mom: I know honey, but you have to. I need to make sure you're ok.
Paige: But I am ok. It's been 5 months since he has done anything to me.
Mom: I know baby, but somethings that you thought were healed might not have healed correctly and you could get hurt worse by ignoring it. It won't hurt I promise.
I nod my head, incredibly nervous about my mom seeing all my scars and finding out the stories behind them. She scoots out from under me and I am sitting on the couch completely drained of energy and just going along with everything.
Mom: Baby, I'm going to take off your sweatshirt and then your jeans so I can see the scars alright.
She gently lifts up on the sweatshirt and then pulls my limp arms out of the sleeves. I hear a slight gasp as I try to remove my jeans, but my hands are shaking too much to undo the button. She unbuttons them for me and I remove my jeans. She then has me lie down on my back as she looks at the scars. I close my eyes tight and tears slide down my face.
Mom: Baby I promise this will be over real soon. I just need you to tell me how you got the scar when I point it out. Then we'll get you dressed and you can take a nap.
I nod my head still keeping my eyes closed tightly. She points out a small scar at my collar bone.
Mom: Did you really fall off your bike breaking your collar bone and rupturing your appendix?
Paige: N-no, he pushed me down on the driveway when I was doing chores and then kicked me in the stomach. Wh-when I didn't get up and started crying he grabbed my bike and threw it down next to me. Then he yelled for y-you.
Mom: Good job, sweetie. What about your ribs honey, one looks a little different.
Paige: He hit me in the stomach and ribs a lot...because the bruises didn't show. I th-think I broke a few.
Mom: I'm just going to touch your ribs and make sure everything is ok now. You tell me if you feel any pain.
She gently applied a little pressure when touching each of my ribs and when you got to one of the lower ones I winced a little.
Mom: Tell me about that one honey.
Paige: I think that is from soccer last week when I got tackled and accidentally kicked. It's ok the trainer took a look at it afterwards and said it was just bruised.
Mom: Any other injuries that are not related to Victor?
Paige: Just the bruises and scrapes on my legs.
Mom: Well I can defintly feel that at least a couple of your ribs were broken, but they seem to have healed on their own. How did you get the burn on your arm?
Paige: He was making grilled cheese and I spilled my milk... a-and...
Mom: It's ok baby I won't ever let him touch you I swear.
Paige: H-he rested the spatula on the pan while he yelled at me and then he picked it up and hit me with it.
Mom: Oh god, I'm so sorry baby. Are you burnt anywhere else?
Paige: M-my b-back.
Mom: Your doing so good sweetie just a little more.
She then skipped over my appendix scar and moved down towards my legs.
Mom: How about your torn ACL was it from playing soccer?
Paige: Yeah.
Mom: You are doing so good Paige, lay on your stomach and this will be over real soon.
I slowly turned over and buried my head in the sofa cushions trying to block everything out. She pointed out a burn mark on my upper back.
Mom: Is this the burn from before?
Paige: Yes.
Mom: And these scars?
Paige: He sometimes hit me with his belt.
Mom: That looks like all of your scars baby, why don't we put your pajamas back on instead of your clothes.
I slowly sat back up on the couch while she grabbed my pajamas. I was so out of it, reliving every experience, that before I knew it I was sitting on my mom's lap completely dressed. She was again trying to sooth me by rubbing my back.
Mom: Paige, I am need to ask a couple of more questions. D-did he ever rape you?
I stiffened in my mom's arms and started to cry again. I pushed my head into her shoulder trying to hide from the question. I became completely terrified when she switched to a stern voice:
Mom: Paige, you need to answer my question.
Paige: Y...yes.
Mom: How many times, baby?
Paige: A few.
Mom: You've been to an OB/GYN right?
Paige: Yeah.
Mom: What did he say?
Paige: Everything looked ok.
Mom: I'm so proud of you sweetie, you did so good.
I relaxed again in my mom's arms and silently cried for what seemed like the thousandth time this week. I hate myself for crying like this, I am not suppose to be this weak. I quickly wiped away my tears and struggled to get up, but my mom won't let me go.
Paige: Please let me up, I'm ok. I'm not a baby.
Mom: Ssh. I know you aren't a baby, but you also are not ok and neither am I. You are not a baby because you are crying about this, you are the strongest person I have ever met. What he did to you was awful and it's not healthy for you to bottle up all your emotions. So just relax and let everything out, honey. I'm not going anywhere.
I could feel my mom rubbing my back and apologizing for everything that happened to me. After a few minutes of her soothing I could no longer hold back my tears and I started sobbing while my mom tried to comfort me.