The buzzing sound repeats rhythmically over and over again. I open my eyes and look around in the dark for the alarm clock. I finally find it and turn off the alarm and then stumble around in the dark of the foreign room to open up the shades. I push the shades open to let the light in and illuminate my new bedroom. The room is bare having only moved in yesterday and the furniture Phoebe and I shared is in her bedroom. I look around for my suitcase and grab clothes and head into the bathroom to get ready for the day. Afterwards I grab a bowl of cereal and sit in the living room with mom and Phoebe.
Mom: Sleep well sweetie?
Paige: Uh-huh.
Phoebe: Mom and I are going to look at a couple of schools today so you're on your own.
Paige: Looking for Grad schools already?
Phoebe: No I'm going to try and transfer to a school around here. All of this has made me want to be closer to home and NYU was too big for me anyway.
Paige: Ok, well Piper is coming over and we're going to Ikea to get me some furniture.
Mom: Here is my credit card don't go too crazy, but make sure you fill up your room.
Paige: Thanks.
Mom: You guys are taking my car since its bigger and remember you aren't allowed to lift heavy things.
Paige: I know, I know.
The buzzer for the door goes off and Phoebe runs over to the intercom to to buzz Piper up. I put my bowl in the dishwasher and then run to brush my teeth, by the time I get back into the living room mom is switching car keys with Piper.
Mom: Thanks for doing this Piper. I gave Paige my credit card so just use that for everything including lunch. Phoebe and I have to go so I'll see you this afternoon, have fun.
Piper: Ok, thanks.
Mom and Phoebe leave and Piper heads into my bedroom and I follow her in.
Piper: Did you measure your room?
Paige: Yeah Phoebe helped me.
I take out a piece of paper from my pocket, unfold it , and hand it to Piper.
Piper: Jeez anal much, you even have angles for the doorway.
Paige: You know I was majoring in engineering so yeah I guess I am anal.
Piper: Well it looks like you need everything besides a bed. Alright lets get out of here.
On the long ride out to Ikea I stare out the passenger window thinking about the last week and a half. After Prue and I left the roof we had a quiet dinner and later on that evening Mom told us about how she was going to sublet the place she was buying until the closing went through. That meant she could move in as soon as the end of the week. Apparently the new place was a three bedroom loft pretty close to Prue's and Piper's place and in a good neighborhood. Mom then told us about her getting a job at a close by hospital and that she would be alternating between days and nights for the next few months. Eventually the conversation turned back to me and I told the rest of the family about having to take a semester off from Westpoint, and they all seemed very happy. Mom immediately insisted that I move in with her and Pheebs. I fought the invitation but eventually gave in knowing I really had nowhere else to go at the moment. The rest of the week slowly went by with me trying to sleep in small spurts, my family trying to force me to sleep, and my sisters trying to get me to talk about the nightmares. I still refuse to talk about the abuse with any of my sisters but at night when my mom is laying in the bedroom with me I tell her about the previous nightmare. This does not sit well with any of my sisters and they each take their turns at trying to break through the wall I built up around myself.
Piper: So do you know kind of what you want?
Paige: Uh, the only thing I want to get is a desk so I can start studying.
Piper: Well it is a good thing one of us is going with you or you'd come back with nothing. You need a dresser and a nightstand.
Paige: I don't have a lot of clothes so the closet is big enough for all my stuff, so I don't need a dresser and I don't even get why I need a nightstand.
Piper: Fine this is how we'll do it, you will pick out a desk and then we'll get the matching dresser and nightstand. You may not have a lot of clothes now but Phoebe and mom are going to take care of that after looking at schools today.
Paige: What! Mom took Phoebe to pick out clothes for me, we are nothing a like and I don't need more clothes.
Piper: Mom knows that you are more conservative than Pheebs and Phoebe is good when she shops for other people. Besides we are all sick of seeing you in the same three outfits, what happened to your clothes.
Paige: At Westpoint uniforms are required and I suppose whatever I left in San Fransisco was thrown away by Victor.
Piper: We're here lets go.
After walking around the huge store Piper and I leave with bunch of flat boxes containing a desk, dresser, nightstand, and a chair. We head back into the city, lug the boxes up to the loft, and order a pizza.
Piper: Pizza will be here in 30 minutes. What are you doing?
Paige: I'm going to build the chair while we wait.
Piper: Stop it, for one thing you are right handed and guess what your right hand is in a cast so you won't be able to put it together. I can't believe I even let you help me carry this stuff up here, mom is going to kill me.
Paige: Hey, this stuff wasn't even very heavy and I've been getting pretty good at doing stuff with my left hand.
Piper: Fine lets build the chair but then we're taking a break for lunch.
By the time Phoebe, mom, and Prue arrive Piper and I have built the entire bedroom set and are watching tv on the couch.
Phoebe: You'll never guess what mom and I did today, Paige?
Paige: Hmm, you went clothes shopping for me.
Phoebe: Piper!
Piper: I had to tell her she was arguing that she didn't need a dresser.
Mom: You got her one right?
Piper: Yes and here is your credit card.
Prue: Well lets go down to the garage and get the boxes and start building.
Paige: It's done.
Mom: What? How did you two get it up here? You weren't suppose to lift anything heavy, Piper how could you let her do that?
Paige: It wasn't even heavy and we made more than one trip, don't yell at Piper I talked her into it.
Prue: You guys built it too?
Piper: Yeah once we got started it was easy and fast. You should see Paige, she is pretty coordinated with her left hand now.
Mom: Well girls I'm going to take a nap and then head off to work.
All P's: 'Night!
Phoebe: Well lets start putting your clothes away and maybe you can try some on for us.
We head into my room and Phoebe and Prue dump the bags of clothes on my bed.
Paige: Go overboard much.
Phoebe: You needed practically a whole new wardrobe, so nope.
Everyone starts digging into the bags and put the items where they belong. Every now and then Phoebe will find an outfit and make me try it on. After everything was in its place Phoebe nonchalantly slaps my back while saying, "see that wasn't too much stuff." My body immediately stiffens and tears start to well in my eyes as the pain of Phoebe hitting me just in the right spot reverberates through my body.
Paige: God..uhh...that hurt. Sh!
Piper: Oh no whats wrong.
Prue: I'll get mom.
Phoebe: Paige I'm so sorry I didn't mean it. I'm so sorry.
Paige: 's-ok.
I take a deep breath, bend over and put my hands on my thighs trying to ignore the pain and the warm feeling of blood on my back.
Piper: Paige we're going to help you over to the bed ok? Just lay down on your stomach.
Mom: What happened?
Phoebe: I didn't mean to, I slapped Paige on the back.
Paige: Its ok Pheebs, I'm fine. You just hit the wrong spot of my back don't worry.
Mom: Well lets take a look. I'm going to pull your shirt up so I can see if any damage was done.
I nod my head already knowing she is going to find some since I can feel the blood rolling down my back. As she moves my shirt up I hear Phoebe start to cry and say how sorry she is again.
Paige: Pheebs don't worry about it doesn't even hurt anymore.
Mom: Well I'm going to need to clean it up and re bandage it. Prue?
Prue: Yeah?
Mom: In the bathroom there is alcohol and some bandages. Piper can you grab a wash cloth a damp it with warm water. Phoebe, sweetie, come over here and sit with Paige. Don't worry it just needs to be cleaned up and redressed, we were going to have to do it tomorrow anyway.
Everyone does as mom tells them and comes back into the room. The room is completely quiet as mom is wiping the blood off my back. I try to crack a joke to loosen the room from the insurmountable tension.
Paige: Guys don't worry so much, if it were Halloween I'd have a great costume.
Piper: Not funny.
Mom: This is going to sting a little.
I grasp the bedspread in my left hand and squeeze as my mom cleans out the wound and redresses it. Trying to make as little noise as possible so I don't make Phoebe feel even worse.
Mom: I'm going to clean up the other one as well since we've got everything out.
I nod my head not trusting my voice at the moment.
Prue: What other one, she was only shot once.
Mom: The wound from the chest tube.
She takes the bandage off my side and looks at the wound.
Mom: Looks good, I think the stitches will come out later this week.
The wound is cleaned and quickly re bandaged and my shirt is slid back down.
Mom: All set. I'm going back to bed. Paige take one of the pain killers, Prue make sure she does, Piper help change her shirt, and Phoebe put this stuff away.
After Prue and Phoebe leave the room to grab my medicine and put stuff away Piper helps me sit up on the bed. I quickly wipe my eyes of any tears that might fallen as she grabs me a new shirt and she catches me doing so when she comes back.
Piper: Hurt, huh?
Paige: That stings way more than a little.
Piper: I bet. Here lets switch shirts. Arms up.
Paige: No way that kills, let me switch the shirt myself.
She gives me a stern look that says, "you'll do as I say."
Paige: Are we going anywhere tonight?
Piper: No, why?
Paige: Then hand me my pj's, no sense in changing again.
I squirm out of my shirt trying not to extend my arms too far for fear of stretching out the wounds. Piper helps me get into my pajama top and then i switch pants as well. By the time Phoebe and Prue come back in I'm fully changed.
Prue: You going to bed?
Paige: No, just didn't want to keep changing clothes if were not going anywhere.
Prue: Here take these and don't hassle me about the pills.
I take the pills and water from Prue's hand and take them without question mostly because my back still hurts a lot. Prue quirks her eyebrow at how willingly I took them and I just give her a look and turn to Phoebe as she leaves the room.
Paige: Where you going?
Phoebe: Pajama party in your room. I'm getting changed and grabbing extra pj's for Piper and Prue.
After everyone is changed and back in my room we realize there isn't much to do.
Paige: Well you guys need to have a few drinks so I'm not the only one not sober.
Phoebe: You're so right and I have an idea of a game we could play. I'll be right back with everything.
Minutes later Phoebe walks in with a six-pack beer, a bottle of water, and a huge bag of M&M's.
Piper: Gross I'm not eating M&M's and drinking beer.
Phoebe: The M&M's are for the game.
Prue: What game?
Phoebe: A version of 'I never...' Everyone take a turn of saying, 'I never...' and if anyone has done that they put an M&M in their pile.
Paige: Thats not how its played.
Phoebe: I know but that is how were going to play, we'll learn stuff about each other. Here is your water Paige and the rest of us will be drinking beer trying to catch up with your drugged up self.
Piper: I'll go first. I never ditched school.
We all put a piece of candy in our pile.
Prue: I never cheated on a test
Only Phoebe and Prue add to their pile
Phoebe: I never snuck out of the house at night to go to a party.
Only Phoebe and I added to the pile. Everyone looks at me shocked and I just smile in return
Paige: I never drank illegally.
We all add to the piles and again they look at me surprised.
Piper: I never had a pregnancy scare.
Everyone but Phoebe adds to the pile. I can feel their eyes on me.
Paige: Stop looking at me like that or I'll stop playing.
Prue: Sorry, I never had a one nightstand.
Everyone but Piper adds to the pile.
Phoebe: I never skipped all my classes for a week.
Phoebe and I add to the pile.
Piper: Hold it I thought you weren't allowed to skip classes at Westpoint.
Paige: What can I say high school got boring. I never went skinny dipping.
Everyone but Phoebe adds to the pile. My sisters share a look while they think I'm not looking and Piper starts her turn.
Piper: I never contemplated suicide.
Piper adds to the pile and I look up shocked that the game is turning so serious. Then I add to the pile.
Prue: I never attempted suicide.
Piper and I add to the pile as Prue and Phoebe gasp in shock.
Phoebe: When?
I look at Piper and she starts her story.
Piper: Well as you know high school wasn't very fun for me, I was a complete geek. I didn't have any friends I hated the way I looked, I was getting picked on all the time, and I would think about doing it a lot and one day I decided it was a good idea. I couldn't think of another way out and I didn't want to face another day so when I got home from school I went in the bathroom and took a razor and tried to slit my wrists. Luckily I can't stand the sight of blood and scared myself pretty good and I stopped after my first wrist. I barely cut the skin before I stopped too, but it was enough to make me understand that I needed help. I talked to mom and she took me to see a shrink and after several months and some medication I began to see outside the darkness of what I thought my life was. I'm fine now and really happy I couldn't go through with it, how about you Paige.
We all sat there completely shocked and after a few minutes I responded.
Paige: Story for a different time.
Prue: Come on Paige, Piper shared so why can't you.
I take a sip of my water and look down at my hands as I think of a way to tell my story.
Paige: Uh, mine is a bit different. I, uh, tried more than once and no one but one of my friends ever found out. Lets see I tried two times and I guess I wasn't very good at it either because here I am. The first time I was 15 and the second I was 17. The first time I took a bunch of pills and it wasn't enough and I woke up the next day with a bad headache. The second time I was really drunk with a friend of mine and we were on the roof of some building and I started walking on the ledge. Then I started wondering about how fast it could just be over with if i moved an inch forward and just as I was taking a step forward my friend tackled me and stopped me. Thats it your turn Pheebs.
Prue: Did you ever tell anyone?
Paige: I just told you, but prior to this no.
Phoebe: Why?
Paige: It was a way out when I couldn't think of another.
Piper: And now, do you still think about it.
Paige: Do you?
Piper: No.
Paige: I haven't thought about it in a while either.
Phoebe: What was it a way out from?
Paige: Listen I really don't want to get into this. I answered the question and then gave an explanation which is more than is required for this game.
Prue: It's not a game right now. Tell us what made you the first time.
Piper scoots closer tome and puts her arm around my shoulder and pulls me into a sideways hug, trying to reassure me.
Piper: You can tell us Paige you need to tell someone.
Paige: Fine. It was because of a lot of things. I had no friends in school, I was a target for people at school to pick on and push around, I'd go home from school and get the crap kicked out of me there, at home I was told how worthless I was and how I was a reminder of mom's pain everyday, got picked on or ignored by everyone else at home, and the final straw was Victor raping me. That pretty much sums up the reason for the second attempt as well.
I take a deep, shaky breath while keeping my eyes on my hands. Piper hugs me tighter and kisses my head while Prue grabs one of my hands and tilts my head up with her other so she can look me in the eye.
Prue: Promise me you will talk to one of us or someone who can help if you ever start thinking about it again.
The hot tears start welling in my eyes again because deep down I know I have started thinking about it lately. She must know what I'm thinking because she switches her position and gives me a big hug while I try and hold back my tears.
Prue: Squirt we're here for you please don't try ever again we couldn't handle losing you.
Phoebe: Piper when was the last time you thought about it?
Piper: About a month after I tried but the therapy helped me a lot and I haven't thought about is since.
Phoebe: Well you ever think about it again you tell us. Paige when was the last time you thought about it?
I stiffen in Piper and Prue's arms and wonder if I should tell the truth or lie. If I tell the truth the won't leave me alone and will hound me to see a shrink. If I lie they won't pester me and things will remain the same.
Piper: Look at me Paige, you are taking way too long thinking about this, I want to see your eyes when you answer.
I shake my head and I feel Prue back away.
Prue: Paige you bet...
Phoebe: Stop Prue let Piper handle this.
Piper: Paige look at me.
I take a deep breath knowing that she is forcing me to tell the truth because she is the only one that can spot my lies. I lift my head and look at her forehead trying to avoid her gaze.
Piper: Good, now when was the last time you thought about suicide.
I looked over at Phoebe and Prue sitting next to each other until Piper grabbed my chin and forced me to look at her and I whispered my answer.
Paige: Couple of weeks ago.
There is a sharp intake of breath from over in Prue and Phoebe's direction but I can't tell whose it is because Piper is still holding my chin.
Piper: When exactly?
Paige: The hospital. You guys were in San Fransisco.
Piper: Do you know why?
I nod my head not really wanting to talk about it.
Piper: Missy I know it is hard talking about it but you really need to. We want you to talk to us about it, but if you can't we need to find someone you can talk to.
Phoebe: Paige even if you only want to talk to one of us its ok. We won't be upset if you don't choose one of us to talk to. You have been thinking about suicide or attempting it for the past two and a half years and something has to change. Maybe talking will make the thoughts go away and if it doesn't we'll find something that will help.
Prue: I agree with them, please let us try and help.
Paige: You won't be mad if I only want to talk to one of you?
Prue: Absolutely not, you just say who and the other two will leave the room.
Paige: Are you going to tell mom?
Phoebe: Why don't we see how talking to one of us goes and then we decide. We do promise not to tell her without telling you we are going to do so first.
I nod my head knowing that is as good of a deal I'm going to get at the moment.
Paige: Ca-can I just tell Piper and she can tell you guys later.
I look at the faces of each sister trying to gauge their reaction, to see if they really are mad that I chose one over the other. To my surprise Phoebe and Prue both smile, nod their heads, stand up and give me a hug before leaving the room.
Piper: Why don't we sit on the bed its more comfortable than the floor.
I stand up and clumsily make my way to the bed now really feeling the effects of the pain killers.
Piper: Whoa Missy you better sit down before you fall down.
Paige: It's the medicine, it always makes me a little loopy and dizzy.
Piper: How come I never noticed before.
Paige: I try not to take the pain meds unless I really need them. So this is only the third time I've taken them.
Piper: So that slap of Phoebe's really hurt.
Paige: Oh yeah, but it was mostly mom cleaning out the wound. It hasn't opened up like that before.
Piper: So you ready to talk.
Paige: How did it work in your therapy sessions.
Piper: I didn't really want to talk but she just kept asking questions and eventually I opened up.
Paige: Did you guys have this planned. I mean the whole game and taking it to serious topics.
Piper: Yeah, Phoebe's idea, one of her better ones.
Paige: Were you lying when you talked about suicide?
Piper: No. So why don't you tell me about the last time you thought about suicide.
I lowered myself on the bed so I had my head rested on Piper's shoulder and I closed my eyes. As if not seeing Piper would make this easier.
Paige: I was alone at the hospital, I just basically killed your dad, I went from running over 5 miles a day without breaking a sweat to barely walking down a hallway, Westpoint told me I was not going to be able to attend next semester, I couldn't sleep because every time I close my eyes he is there. Victor was gone for good but he could still torture me and I couldn't think of any other way to make it better.
Piper: How about now?
Paige: I still killed your dad, I'm not physically back where I want to be, I can't get on with my plans with Westpoint until the summer, and I still can't sleep because he is always there ready to haunt me. I think about it but not seriously, do you know what I mean.
Piper: Yeah I do. I used to not seriously think about it, but the problem with that is it slowly built until I did. You didn't fire the gun that killed Victor so why do you keep saying you killed him.
Paige: I told you guys and everything after that was the side effects. I may not have pulled the trigger but we never would have been in that position if it wasn't for me.
Piper: You ever think it was his fault, if he never had abused you would he have been shot in the street that day.
Paige: He warned me not to tell over and over again, I should have listened, I should have listened.
Piper: Sweetie, shh. You're going to the doctor in two days, what is he going to do.
Paige: Listen to my lung, see if the stitches from the chest tube can come out yet, and look at my back.
Piper: Who was the friend that stopped you from jumping off the roof.
Paige: Glen, why?
Piper: Just curious as to who I should be thanking. What made you attempt those two times. I mean I know all the reasons leading up to it, but what actually triggered it.
I held me breath thinking how much I should tell Piper. How much she could handle hearing and how much I could handle telling.
Paige: He, Victor, raped me earlier in the day. So I guess we don't have to worry now since that won't be happening again.
Piper: Stop trying to make light of the situation. How many times did he rape you?
Paige: I don't want to talk about this anymore.
Piper: Just a few more minutes and we'll stop. Can you please tell me how many times.
Paige: Six.
Piper: How...what made these two times different.
Paige: One was the first time and the other he ju-just pushed the right buttons.
Piper: You want to tell me anything else right now.
I wipe the tears from my eyes and shake my head, no.