Vicious Circle
Title: Vicious Circle
Author: Maj
Character/Pairing: Rory & Jess
Prompt: #42 Circle
Rating: PG
Summary: He is addicted
Author's Notes: I wrote this for the GGFIC100 Challenge at LJ
Their life was incomplete without each other. Every year or almost, he appeared in her life. He came and went as he pleased. Leaving her heartbroken or angry or sad or lonely or everything altogether.
And he lived for this, this exquisite torture to be in her life, so close, and yet so far. It was his drug, his fix, a vicious circle. To be in and out. To be there but not there at all.
They both knew that they couldn't be with each other, but they were really aware of the fact that they couldn't be apart either.
It all started in her room, that night, when he first came to Stars Hollow. He knew then that this was going to be a complicated thing in his life; that this innocent blue-eyed girl was his doom, his redemption.
And he knew all to well that he never dealt well with complicated things. His life was uncomplicated. Sex, drugs & Rock&Roll, add to that "live fast die young" juvenile cliché some books, some trouble and food and you'll have his life; his New York life.
But the instant he walked trough that door, her bedroom door, and looked into those eyes, he saw himself falling, hard. But he knew he wasn't cut out for that so he learned to run, to cover himself, and in the process he got hurt and hurt her more.
His strategy blew up in his face when he got hurt trying not to. Protecting himself of everything that had to happen. It was their destiny, their doomed faith to need each other, to depend on each other, to be addicted to each other. To not be together but desperately need to be in each other's life. He never believed in karma, but after meeting her he realized that the famous balance of the world existed, and his ying was her yang.
The first time he knew how big of a deal this was, was the accident night. The realization of the power they both had over each other came all to fast for both of them. He realized she had him by a leash, he would do anything she wanted him to and that he could broke her, corrupt her. And he did, and that scared him to dead so he flew and left her there.
But when she found him in New York, he knew there was no turning back now, he was under her spell, and she was under his skin.
So he came back for more, to be tortured, to play the friend, the one who could wake her up to that simple small town perfect life she had and show her passions, emotions, sex. And that he did, he woke up in her so many emotions. She welcome him with a kiss, and then it was her time to run, and run away she did, all the way to Washington for 6 weeks and left him there, without a word, secretly waiting for her.
But pride was an important thing between them, like a third wheel, more important than Dean, Shane, Luke, the town or her mother. And he was proud. So he got himself a distraction. And it hurt her so much. And of course, she was a very proud too. So they decided, secretly agreed to live in denial. Despite the need, the attraction, the addiction they had for each other. It was a circle, a vicious circle. To get close, to get burned, to run away, to go back to each other and start again. It was their game, they both despite them and crave to play it.
So when finally denial was too much for them, and everybody else knew what was going on, they decided to give it a shot, so maybe they can put an end to this sick game they were playing. But, boy they were so wrong, because they were not ready to play the nice couple game. He sucked at that, and she was a spoiled princess, and they never learned how to be a couple, to be equals, to communicate, to be normal, they sucked at normal.
So the next thing on their little routine was to run, she planned on going to Yale and he put an entire country between them. And their game started again.
He came back to claim his car and express her love to her. Of course, she had no right to say anything back, he left again, letting her confused and alone again. And he was now free of the sentiment but trapped in the consciousness of the feeling.
It was out there. She said it to an empty phone; he said it to her face. And they were aware now. It was strong and deep, but difficult, complicated, impossible.
A couple of months later, she was still being the simple small town girl with big aspirations when he decided he needed her again. He was addicted to her, her skin, her eyes. So he went to get his fix and it all went wrong. He never guessed that his addiction to her would make him say everything he said that night, and he never would have guessed that a simple word could destroy him and hurt him as much as hundred needles. So he decided to leave once again. And he did.
He took the self-destruct path in sunny California, and he would never have guessed she went down that path on her own. It started with married Dean and a bed and finished with a yacht and dropping out of Yale while doing community service, along with moving to Hartford and destroying her relationship with her mom, her best friend, her anchor, becoming a truly Gilmore, everything her mom hated and her grandma expected of her.
So he was back again, a couple of years later, a self made man, he figured the self destruct path wasn't good or exciting enough and decided to make someone out of him, or maybe their history was inspirational and writing a book helped him pay for gas to afford every trip he did to get his fix. He didn't know anymore. But he needed to stop blaming everybody and everything of his failure and take his own like and the only thing that kept him sick was his drawn to her, and here he was, in Hartford to say thanks to her, or to see her again, he never quite rehabilitate from his addiction to her. So he saw her. She was in front of him but it was not her, not the Rory he used to know, the love of his life, his fix. So he tried to fix her, like she did to him so many years ago.
And he did, and she went back to Yale and back being the Rory he needed. And the game started once again. Never quite ended. Despite their lives and everything else. They needed each other, in a unhealthy way. It was a vicious circle.