Title: Logan's Little Zoocapades
Series: End of the Road
Author: Karen
Disclaimer: Hayley may not 'own' Logan, but she has a lease option.
Summary: Logan and Hayley take Sara and Joshua to the zoo.
Looking back it sure seemed like a good idea at the time. It's funny how things 'on paper' usually tend to be so much better than the actual resulting catastrophe. I did get the 'boyfriend of the week' award for my effort, which was well earned by the way. But I'm getting ahead of myself, so I guess it's best to go back to the beginning – to the time I still had my sideburns and a shred of dignity.
Earlier that day"Who's ready to have fun?" I asked as I slid behind the wheel of Marie's SUV.
"We are!" Came a chorus of voices.
I glanced over at Hayley who was beaming at me brightly. I was so golden and all because I'd agreed to accompany her and the spawn of Satan known by the human name of Joshua to the zoo. Claiming Joshua needed a 'zoo buddy', I'd convinced Marie to let me take Sara and now our little pseudo-family was safely buckled in and we were off. I managed to fake a smile when Hayley popped in a tape titled "Barney's Greatest Hits" and my three passengers started singing along off-key to some song about friendship. We managed to make it to the zoo without me ramming the car into something solid just to put myself out of my misery.
"I don't suppose we could listen to K-ROK radio on the way home?" I asked hopefully.
Hayley just laughed. Guess not.
At the entrance booth the guy asked if we wanted to support the funding of the addition to the nursery and get a t-shirt that had a picture of a baby animal on it, which he then cleverly showed to Hayley and the kids. Thirty seconds later I was $94 lighter in the wallet and we weren't even through the turnstile yet. It's a good thing kicking bad-guy asses paid so well.
Just inside the entranceway there was a store called The Animal Adoption Center, which the kids immediately made a beeline for. For only $25 you could buy a stuffed animal complete with a birth certificate with his or her name, the birth date, foot print and a zoo tag number. A dietary list of what your chosen critter would eat at the zoo was also included. Sara chose a bear, while Joshua appropriately picked out a snake. The clerk informed us that clothes could also be purchased with outfits ranging from $5 to $18. Joshua said that his snake wouldn't be caught dead in clothes and Hayley wisely wrapped up their transaction. However, I had no such luck. Sara picked out a ballerina outfit, pj's and a bathing suit for her bear. Not understanding why I should have to supply a wardrobe for a stuffed toy, I tried to explain to Hayley that if I could run around naked in the woods then a plain t-shirt should be good enough for Scarlet O'Beara. She simply pointed at Sara standing there with the bear, an armful of miniature clothes and wearing the infamous Marie-pout and I was toast. Sayonara another $62. But I got a hug and a kiss from my favorite munchkin, so it was worth it.
Two cappuccinos, two apple juices, a banana muffin and two brownies set me back another $21.50 and we hadn't even seen one monkey yet. I joked with Hayley that I should just drop my wallet off at the zoo office and ask them to mail it back to me when they were done vacuuming out all my money.
"Nobody said raising kids was cheap," Hayley said as she fed me a piece of muffin.
"On the way home let's stop at the pharmacy where I'll pick up a shitload of condoms and you can renew your birth control prescription."
That earned me an eye roll, a dimpled smile and an "Oh, Logan."
There were several trails to choose from and wanting to get this show on the road, so to speak, I hustled everyone towards the closest one – the African trail. Our first stop was at the 'horses with stripes' enclosure or as Joshua, the little shit, corrected Sara – the zebras. When Sara asked why their 'clothes' had stripes, Joshua informed her it was because they were prisoners. I let that one go. I also ignored it when he told her that flamingos were pink because they drank Pepto Bismol instead of water and claimed that giraffes had long necks because they ate snakes. However, when he told her that baboons had red butts because they ate Mexican food I decided to correct the flow of misinformation the little bastard was feeding her before I gutted him and threw him into the lion exhibit.
After I'd whispered a mild threat in Joshua's ear, he was noticeably quieter by the time we got to the elephants over on the Tropics trail. We managed to see the anteaters, alligators, and spectacled bears without further National Geographic commentary from a certain miniature Steve Irwin – Crocodile Hunter wannabe.
By this time everyone was hungry and in need of a break, so we headed over to the Rainforest Café and I was relieved of another forty-five bucks. Energized from the sugar in their desserts, Sara and Joshua were ready to tackle the rest of the zoo. Our first post lunch stop was at the nursery to see all the babies. Hayley was oohing and aahing right along with the kids. What is it with females and babies of all varieties? I quickly hustled us away from there when Hayley casually suggested I should have my own 'cub'.
At the petting zoo I bought the kids each a bag of treats for the goats and lambs – and kissed another five bucks goodbye. Now let's be honest, I was doing all this shit to impress Hayley and you know, hopefully get a reward – so I tried hard not to think about how much fun nearly $230 would buy me if I'd spent it on someone I'd picked up over on 42nd and Tenth Avenue in the city. Hell, for that kinda change I probably could've gotten twins.
Okay dumbass, try not to think with the little head.
I refocused on watching Sara holding out a fistful of food to one of the lambs and giggling when its little tongue tickled her palm. If there's one thing that guaranteed to turn me into a big pile of mush, it's seeing that kid have fun. I was so distracted that I failed to notice a goat that had stuck his nose too close to my crotch – until he decided to nibble on my left nut. At that precise moment I wasn't thinking that the preschool crowd in the immediate vicinity had yet to be exposed to that kinda language and I also didn't care that I would heal quickly – it fucking hurt.
Hey, lady – lean over and let 'Jaws' take a chomp out of one of your tits and see if you don't sound like a drunken sailor.
Hayley wasn't sure what to offer in the way of comfort, and I was in too much pain to make any wisecracks about her 'kissing it better'.
I was sitting on the ground already healed, but still sore when another vicious little beast decided that my sideburns were on today's lunch menu and yanked out a mouthful. Apart from missing a large patch of facial hair, I was also coated with donkey spit. Through the haze of this renewed pain I managed to remember that it probably wasn't a good idea for Sara to see me gutting 'Eeyore', which was the only thing that saved his fuzzy little ass.
"I think it's time to call it a day," Hayley announced as she took a hold of both kid's hands to steer them out of what had ended up being the most dangerous part of the zoo.
"Gee, I was planning on feeding my ass to the sheep next," I replied as I rubbed at the bare spot on my cheek and realized I'd have to shave everything off to even it up.
I hadn't been clean-shaven in – well, I couldn't remember how long. Christ, it was gonna be fucking impossible to maintain the badass image if I looked like Scooter. I suddenly had a vision of me in a turtleneck and neatly pressed chinos with a broom handle shoved up my ass as the finishing touch. That prospect was scarier than facing Sabes with both hands tied behind my back.
Having been apprised of the debacle in the petting zoo, the guest relations' director offered us free passes for our next visit. Yeah, like that was gonna happen. Hayley politely declined the offer before I had a chance to tell the guy just where he could shove those passes.
Later that evening after I'd showered and shaved, I peeked in at Sara who was asleep curled up with her new bear that was wearing its over-priced pajamas and decided it had all been worth it – my angelface was happy and I'd racked up major brownie points with my other girl. I just hope Hayley was kidding about going to the circus next week.