Chapter Five
Calleigh looked up at the sky as the sun began to set across the beach. Warmth ran through me as she watched the sea run up the shore. The sky was a tint of orange, reds, black streaked across the sky cutting through the softness of the clouds. We were both leaning against my bike staring at the sky. The ride here had been gentle but fast at the same time, it felt amazing having Calleigh's arms around me as I lost myself in the feeling of the ride.
"It's beautiful." I heard her murmur. I could feel her warm presence beside me. We were separate, but on some level we were together also
"I come here to think sometimes. You know when things get too much." I confessed looking down at the sand. Calleigh turned her head towards me slightly. She stood there silent and solitary; my arms were crossed over my chest, she looked out to sea distantly. Here I was strong, happy and dominant. Calleigh let out a sigh. I knew she should feel carefree, like this was a break from everything, but there was something over hanging her. I was guessing it was the something that we still had to talk about.
"Tim…" Calleigh began looking at her hands, then out to sea. Watching her I pulled my arms around myself tighter and then looked out to sea. Suddenly I was beginning to feel colder.
"I said you could talk to me about anything, when we got here." I reminded her gently. I had to know what was going on, the same with her. The wind was blowing Calleigh's long blond hair around her face. She was still gazing at the sea.
"And you won't drive off without me?" she asked half teasing. I turned to her surprised at her tone. She was half serious too.
"Of course not." I started to analyse the features of her face. I could see the damage that was there, not just from Hagen but the damage she'd received during her whole life. I was beginning to feel the need to speak out.
"I'm not planning to just pick up and leave you, not now, not ever." Calleigh's eyes focused down at the concrete of the pier. She was smiling. I found himself gazing towards the ocean again.
"Thank you." Calleigh spoke quietly. "Tim, do you think what we did was a mistake?"
I stared straight ahead; I could feel her eyes on me. I knew this was coming up. Right now I wished I'd asked that question first. Here I was opening myself up to hurt by telling the truth. But I had promised I'd tell the truth. Anyway to Calleigh I couldn't lie. Hell I wouldn't lie.
"No, Cal, I don't." Calleigh let out a deep sigh. I didn't move, just stared out to sea.
"Good me neither." I bent my head hiding a small smile as Calleigh crossed her arms across her chest.
"For a long time Tim, I've ignored the feelings I've had for you. We have a work relationship, I didn't want to wreck our friendship, I was happy with it. I didn't want to ruin it. The other night, I just lost it; nothing else existed but you in the room with me. When we were dancing, it was right. Everything that happened felt right. I don't think I've ever felt like that in my whole life. I haven't had a very secure life, but with you I find myself feeling, safe and like every feeling I have I don't have to hide or worry about because your there. I know your not just gonna pick up and leave me. Yet there is still the possibility that you will. I was ready to give myself to you, to commit to you. I was going to tell you this when you broke up with Pam, but then Hagen…" Calleigh trailed off, almost choking, pushing back tears. She put her hand against her mouth. I felt my heart wrench at that sight. I hadn't really seen her cry properly. She always hid it.
"After what happened I don't know whether I can commit anymore." I turned to her; feeling my heart choke, tears were trailing freely down her cheeks. Hurt was seizing me, hitting me in all the sensitive areas of my soul I'd bared to her. My heart was clenching in pain. But I knew it was nothing compared to the pain that she was feeling right now. She'd finally found something she wanted and that she needed and now she felt she was losing it. Calleigh turned away, her back to me, for a second I felt hopeless. I watched her back, she was shaking violently, I heard quiet low noises coming form her mouth. And knew she was crying. Without thinking about it, I stepped towards her, wrapping my arms around her waist and shoulders. I buried my head in her hair. I felt her buckle underneath my presence. Then she broke.
"It's not your fault you know." I told her as loud sobs erupted from her. "None of this is." I was whispering to her softly, tears were running freely down her face now, with no sign of stopping. I didn't care, I was close to her, making her feel better. That was all that mattered.
"But it is, it's not fair." She cried out, almost screaming out loud.
"No Cal, it's not. It's not fair at all. But trust me you'll get through this. I promise." I whispered into her ear holding on tightly. Calleigh turned in my arms, burying her face into my chest. My hand was on the back of her head, caressing her hair. Holding her like this felt natural to me. I felt lost. At the same time I felt like I had no idea what was going to happen from here. All I knew was right now we were both hurting.