I don't know where the heck this came from. After watching an episode of JLU, I sat down at my computer and just spitted this out. It's only a first chapter, and I don't know if it's any good, but I figured, what the heck? What's the worse that could happen if I put this up? I get flammed? So, I thought I might as well give people a chance to read it and make their own decisions on the first chapter.
In case you don't catch on, this story is supposed to be absolutely absurd and, yes, much of it is nonsensical and unrealistic. Still, I admit, it was pretty fun to write such kooky characters and an even kookier situation. I guess it's supposed to be a parody or something, but I'm not really sure if that's it entirely. After all, if I write any more, the members of the Justice League will be making appearances and some will even play major roles.
Well, read, enjoy, hate it, review - whatever. Hopefully you enjoy it, but if not, I'm sincerely sorry for wasting your time! Still, sometimes you've just got to write wacky, you know?
Chapter 1
Pastime City, Town Hall:
On the first Tuesday of the month, the citizens of Pastime City gathered at City Hall for an emergency Town meeting organized by of first-term Mayor Walkins. Night had just finished falling upon the very small metropolis (known as the tiniest city in New England) when the last stragglers came waltzing in. Curiosity filled the old building (dated the year 1745), as Pastime's residents anxiously and eagerly awaited to hear how they could democratically participate in their city's government.
"Well, ladies and gentlemen," the Mayor began from his podium when most of the crowd seemed to be settled in their sits, "I'm not going to lie to you. We've got a crisis on our hands." Gasps and murmurs could be heard in the audience. "It seems as though the City of Pastime has fallen into quite an economic depression. Businesses are either failing or picking up and moving to bigger, larger cities. Worse of all, our once booming tourist industry has fallen into decline. Nobody wants to visit Pastime anymore.
"However, you and I all know that Pastime is a great little city. Sure, we're small and perhaps, perhaps some might say a bit 'dated' – of course I wouldn't, but some ignorant folk, sure. That being said, we just can't survive like this much longer, I'm afraid. You folks are hurting – we're all hurting. We've just got to find a way to bring tourism back to our town, attract businesses again. After all, we're just as good as those other, larger cities, aren't we? Sure we are!
"Therefore, dear citizens of Pastime, I have called this emergency town meeting – for yes, democracy is still alive and well here – to address this problem and to offer you a solution. Now then, I want you to know that my very able staff and I have spent months and months doing research, research that has shed light onto why Pastime City has fallen from Grace, if you will, while her neighbor cities seem to keep growing more and more popular, with tourists and businesses alike. What do they have that we don't? And, well, there's only one plausible answer that we could find for that question –
"Superheroes. Yes, you heard me folks – what Pastime City needs is a hero. Metropolis has its Superman, Flash has got Keystone and Central Cities pretty much taken care of. Even that terrible city of Gotham has Batman and so people flock to it! Let's face it folks, people like superheroes and no matter what danger they might face, they'll come to any city to get a glimpse of one! And granted, I don't know what the appeal might be for a business, as according to our research destruction and expenses tend to increase in the presence of one of these costumed types, but that same research also shows that very large corporations are attracted to a city with a superhero! LexCorp in Metropolis and Wayne Enterprises in Gotham are just two of the most notable examples. So, what we need in Pastime is a superhero and fast!"
"But we hardly have any crime that would warrant a superhero!" called out a woman in the audience.
'Do not worry – I will get to that soon enough," Mayor Walkins assured. Then he cleared his throat, "Now, my staff and I have put together a little presentation. Allow me to introduce Dr. Spangle of Starr Labs, not to be confused with the S.T.A.R. labs, of course." A bald, skinny man wearing wire-rimmed glasses and a white lab coat stepped up, pulling out a long table, covered with a sheet. A scrawny young man, his hair shedding and his cheeks sunken in, helped him. "Dr. Spangle has been kind enough to assist us in creating our very own superhero for Pastime! As you all know, to make a superhero, some sort of freak accident involving some sort of highly improbable chemical concoction is usually necessary. Hence, Dr. Spangle here has worked tirelessly for months now mixing together a bunch of random chemicals so as to make our very own superhero formula! Right now, Dr. Spangle is going to give us a quick demonstration on how this formula works, just so that you can all see how perfectly safe it is. Dr. Spangle, if you will."
"Thank you, Mayor Walkins," Dr. Spangle said with a nod. "Before I begin, I'd just like to inform all of you that Starr Labs has done no animal testing while developing this formula – Jason here can attest to that!" Dr. Spangle chuckled as he gave his assistant, who began to twitch his head uncontrollably for a few moments, a hard pat on the back. "Speaking of Jason, he has so kindly volunteered to participate in this demonstration. Jason works full-time as a test subject at Starr Labs for a whopping twenty bucks a week. Isn't that right, Jason?" Jason grunted in reply. "He's really a nice boy, isn't he?" The crowd cheerfully spoke out in agreement.
"To continue, then," Dr. Spangle went on, "This formula here – cleverly named Formula X – will, if my research proves correct, genetically mutate the structure and substance of Jason's DNA, forever altering his anatomy in one genetic metamorphosis. Once the transmutation is complete, his body shall no longer react to the gravitational force of Earth, his molecular composition will become almost imperishable, his muscular structures will increase their output, he'll be able to rearrange atoms to generate spheres of conflagration, and his metabolism and, thus, entire being will have the potential to be accelerated by at least a thousand fold."
The citizens of Pastime City were quiet with confusion. "In other words, he will be able to fly, be invincible, be super strong, be able to create fire balls, and be really fast," Mayor Walkins clarified. The crowd now Oo-ed and Ah-ed in excitement. "Please continue, Dr. Spangle."
"Yes, Mayor Walkins," Dr. Spangle continued, "So then, I'm going to just pour this whole jug of Formula X onto Jason here and we'll see what happens, all right?" With that, Dr. Spangle poured the whole pitcher of Formula X – a green, oozing formula with steam and a nasty odor rising from it. At once, Jason began screeching and crumbled to the ground, clutching at his face. Pastime's residents began gasping in horror.
Mayor Walkins forced a light laugh, "Don't worry, folks, this is all part of the transformation process, isn't that right, Dr. Spangle?"
"Uh…." Dr. Spangle trailed off awkwardly as Jason's face went on fire. Quickly, one of the police officers in attendance grabbed a fire extinguisher and put him out. Dr. Spangle knelt next to Jason as soon as the smoke cleared. After he checked his pulse, he stated, "He's dead."
"Oh, is he…?" Mayor Walkins asked nervously. Composing himself, he spoke to his audience. "Don't worry, folks, that won't happen when we do this for real, trust me…" Some people murmured skeptical in the audience. "Anyhow, back to business. As you can see, we've got this superhero formula pretty much figured out, so now the new question which must be on all of your minds is who will exactly take on the very rewarding roll of being Pastime's new and very first superhero? Since I like to consider our city the most democratic city in all of the fifty states, do we have any volunteers to take on this great responsibility and be splashed by Formula X?"
"It burnt off his face!" the same woman from earlier spoke out harshly.
Mayor Walkins, sweating a bit with uneasiness, ignored her, "Any takers, anyone?" A few people in the audience slowly raised their hands, some shrugging, others looking more eager. Mayor Walkins seemed to look right through them. "Well, since we have no one interested in volunteering, I will make my own nomination for the position that, of course, I would have you vote on, but as he'll be the only candidate it would be a bit silly to have an election process, now wouldn't it?
"Now then, with that in mind, I'd like to introduce you all to Pastime's soon-to-be superhero, my junior clerk - William Harvey."
Standing to the side, young, new-college graduate looked surprised and asked, "What?"
"Come over here, Willie boy, so that everyone can meet you." Mayor Walkins gestured and William reluctantly complied. "As you can see, William is a perfect candidate. After all, it's about time those of us in the noble field of politics finally being to be portrayed as honest, hard-working members of society."
"But, Mayor Walkins, I don't think I want to be a superhero…"
"Sure you do, Willie boy! You like your job in my office, don't you?"
"Why, yes, Mayor Walkins."
"I thought so," Mayor Walkins stated. "As you can see, William has just accepted the appointment!" The audience clapped in excitement. "And what a fine superhero he'll make! He's a young man – fresh out of college, you know – and handsome, too. Those are just the qualifications needed to be a superhero!"
"Why does he have to be a man?" the same female dissenter shouted out. "What's wrong with having a woman superhero?"
"Because, ma'am, that's just how these things work. After all, we all know that those woman superheroes aren't all that super now are they folks?" Mayor Walkins laughed heartily, and the rest of the crowd also let out a roar of laughter. "Now, as I was saying, from this day forth, William Harvey will no longer be an ordinary citizen of Pastime City – oh no! He will be our champion of justice, a beacon of hope, the greatest superhero the universe has ever known! Yes, from this day forth, he will be known to all as Super-Duper Man!" The crowd gave a standing ovation with this as a large poster unfolded behind them, a large sketch of what appeared to be William Harvey dressed in a costume. It read on top in large letters "Welcome to Pastime City, Home of Super-Duper Man!" At the bottom, it said, "The Duper's There, Because He's Even Better than Superman!"
"I'm glad to see that most of you are rising in support of our great city, but please, please, take your seats," Mayor Walkins instructed. "In just a little while – once, uh, Dr. Spangle has sorted things out – " Dr. Spangle gave a weak wave as he continued to clean up the mess left by Jason on the platform, while a couple men removed the chard carcass away from view. "William will undergo his transformation. However, as we wait, there are some other very important details I'd like to discuss with you. Of course, as we all know, most good superheroes need a love interest, with the exception of perhaps Batman, but I think we'll all admit that he's a special case. Therefore, me and my staff have searched Pastime high and low looking for the right candidate. At first, I admit, we didn't know where to begin. What made a good love interest? And then it hit us! She had to be a reporter, of course! And not only a reporter – she had to be the best there is! After all, there's no such thing as mediocrity when it comes to superheroes!"
"With that said, I'd like to call Sally McLane up here, the number one reporter working for Pastime's own Pastime Post!" More claps as a pretty young blonde came up to the stage.
"I'm honored, Mr. Mayor," Sally began, "But Mr. Harris is actually our best reporter!" She gestured to an older, unattractive man in his late forties, "He just won the Pasie Award for best news reporting for the eleventh year in a row!"
Mayor Walkins eye twitched slightly. He snapped his fingers at his side and one of his aides scurried to his side. Mayor Walkins covered his podium's microphone and whispered "I thought you were taking care of this."
"Sorry, sir," his aide answered, "He'll be gone by tomorrow."
"Good," Mayor Walkins ended the conversation, the aide scurrying away just as he came. The mayor spoke into the microphone once more, "Anyhow, what was I saying? Oh, yes, Sally McLane is going to be William's on-again, off-again girlfriend, all the while being infatuated by Super-Duper Man. Do you think you can handle that, Sally?"
"Sure, I can! It sounds like fun!" Sally answered.
"Great!" The crowd cheered.
"But, Mayor Walkins," William Harvey spoke up, "I'm already engaged to the greatest woman in the world. I love her!"
'These are just sacrifices that have to be made, Willie boy. I'm sure she'll understand you're just doing your civic duty." Mayor Walkins abruptly said. "Now that we've got all that figured out, I suppose the biggest question on all of your minds is who will be Super-Duper Man's super villain, for what good is a superhero without one? In fact, one might go as far to say that super villains are just as important if not more important to the great cities of America that the superheroes themselves – of course I wouldn't, but one might.
"In any event, Dr. Spangle has decided to help me and my staff with that. He's already built a giant satellite that can actually transmit and translate different messages from us here on Earth into the far reaches of space. It is his plan to send very profane messages of challenges to various planets in the hopes of coercing some alien races to come here to Pastime and try to destroy us.
"However, Dr. Spangle's lab assistant Marcia convinced us that that wasn't such a good idea. So, therefore, we've decided to start a bit smaller. That doesn't mean we've abandoned the alien-provoking project, but first, we'd like to start with some human super villains who we'll also mutate using some of Dr. Spangle's other mixtures. Do I have any volunteers?" This time the response was much less, although a couple of Pastime's residents did semi-raise their hands before lowering them again. "I see – no takers again! Don't worry though, I was prepared for such a response. Hence, I'll just nominate Pastime's new super villain! Uh…Bud, the janitor!"
The elderly man, who was in the back mopping the floor, looked over bewildered, "Huh?"
"Yes, Bud the janitor here at City Hall has agreed to do great evil for the greater good! What a dedicated citizen he is! Come up here Bud, come on." Bud slowly trotted down the aisle to the platform, struggling as he walked with his back bent over. As Bud finally climbed up the few steps and reached the podium, Mayor Walkins threw his arm around his shoulder. "Everyone, meet the new terror of our town – Mr. Terrible!" The audience began to clap; however, Mayor Walkins raised an eyebrow, and the citizens of Pastime City immediately began gasping and letting out shrill cries at the sight of the elderly man, who began hacking violently. Once they diminished and Bud finally stopped coughing, the mayor continued, "Of course, Bud'll still have to work as a janitor in order to keep his 'secret identity' and all, so there's no need to be afraid of him or bother him when he's like this, because you don't 'know' that he's really Mr. Terrible, see?"
"Will I get paid for doing this?" Bud asked hopefully.
"No," Mayor Walkins answered curtly. He then cleared his throat, "So, as I don't wish to keep you any longer than I have, why don't we vote on this, shall we? My staff is currently passing out packets which explain even further my proposal, called Project Pastime Superhero. I strongly encourage that you all give a vote of 'yea' for it, for obvious reasons. Let's try this by a vote of hands – all in favor of the proposal for Project Pastime Superhero, please raise your hand."
The entire audience, except for the same outspoken woman, raised their hands and let out a boisterous "yea." Mayor Walkins smiled satisfied. "It passes! Thank you! However, now that you have passed this proposal, let me just remind you of some of the proposal's requisitions to which you have agreed to. First, you have all conceded to having the entire City of Pastime sworn to secrecy. After all, if we are to have this work, we'll all have to put together a concentrated effort, but the rest of America – the rest of the world and universe must not ever know what transpired here. Furthermore, when Super-Duper Man makes his first appearance, you have all agreed pretend that you have no idea that William Harvey is in fact Super-Duper Man and believe wholeheartedly the origin story that we are developing for him. Lastly, you have accepted to allow for anyone who unfortunately, let's say, slips up on this to be dragged by our local law enforcement from his or her place of work or home so he or she may be incarcerated for an indefinite amount of time. With that, this meeting is adjourned! Have a safe, wonderful evening folks, Goodnight."
As Bud, Sally, and William were all ushered away by Dr. Spangle and Mayor Walkins' staff, the citizens in City Hall began to disperse, chatting with excitement and glee, all except the scowling woman who had seemed unhappy with the whole idea of giving Pastime a new superhero. Mayor Walkins eyed her with suspicion, and he beckoned to one of his aides; "Do you see that woman there? Who is she?"
"Hmm…" The aide glanced at the woman across the room and then spoke into a small, concealed microphone, "Can I have a read on the approximately five foot seven inch dark-haired woman standing in the back there." He pause and listened to his earpiece. "Late twenties, I'd say, maybe early thirties…yes, in the black leather jacket, that's the one….thank you." He turned back to Mayor Walkins, "Ah, that would be citizen number 4598, sir – Dr. Monica Keyes, professor of philosophy at Pastime City College."
"I see. Please bring her to my office, so I can speak to her." The aide nodded and went off to do as he was ordered. Mayor Walkins glanced at the professor for a bit longer before finally smiling with satisfaction. After all, despite her unpleasantness, the Town meeting had been a success:
Project Pastime Superhero was officially underway.