Hey everyone! Just a few things to say;

Thanks to everyone who reviewed, especially Barb who always says the sweetest things and tells me when I screw up my spelling! And by the way Barb, I was reading reviews for A Ghost's Shadow, and isn't that and Heart just about the best stories ever? Anyway; I don't know how many people have watched Sex and the City, but I just saw the episode where Carrie (the main character and the one Olivia is based on) goes to the opera and sees Big (her ex boyfriend) and then runs out of the show saying, "I knew I was being over dramatic, but I felt like I had just seen the Phantom of the Opera!" just a bit of fun information! And watch Sex and the City because it is brilliant! And please please review because I am addicted to reading reviews and they make me want to write more

Facing the Facts

A new relationship with a man you like is like buying a new pair of stunning shoes; you don't know how you got along before you had them, you can't stop looking at them in an adoring fashion, and you want to show them off…to everyone.

I was falling hard for the man next door. Erik and I seemed to click, mentally and physically. Over the next two weeks, we went on countless dates, met for lunch, and discussed everything we could think of.

I was not aware of it, but Erik was deftly wringing the story of the past he had missed from me; the invention of the airplanes, wars, scientific advancements, sports; my degree in history had never come in handier.

Erik found out even more about what he had missed through his own new discovery; the internet. He realized he narrowly missed World War I, and though he knew he would not have fought in it, he was glad to have not been there for it all the same.

History was not all we discussed either; we could talk about everything,

"So I had this dream last night, it was so strange," I began; Erik and I were seated outside at a café eating lunch one sunny Sunday,

"Stranger than the one with the pig people?" Erik asked me; I always had strange dreams, and he delighted in hearing them, and I loved that he loved to hear them,

"Yes! It was stranger than the one with the pig people; I was in this giant parking lot…and there were big stores all around me…"

"Was it a nightmare? Could you not actually get into any of the stores?" Erik teased me,

"No," I kicked him lightly under the small table, "All of a sudden I was being chased by a dinosaur that was trying to eat me,"

He laughed at me, nearly doubling over, "Erik! It was not funny!" I smiled, "I thought I was going to die!" It of course was funny and I was glad he was laughing,

"Of course it was frightening," Erik said, but he still laughed at me, "I just keep picturing you trying to run in those fifty feet high shoes you always wear,"

I smiled back at him; he knew me, he knew that even in a live or death chase situation, I would still be wearing my manolo blahnik heals.

He slept at my apartment most nights. As the weather grew hotter and hotter I found it appropriate to wear less and less to bed, something I knew for a fact Erik appreciated. After two weeks, I decided that there was no better feeling than his body lying peacefully against mine; his arm around me.

In fact, what I loved the most was this closeness; I loved it when he held me. In a world where it is vital to hold your own on your own all alone, it was nice sometimes to just think you belong to someone.

I did not realize what it meant to him; after all the years of being totally alone, Erik now faced what was to him the most exciting prospect of his life; willingly, I wanted to be with him. After having the painful experience of having what he thought was his taken away from him, he had no desire for a repeat act. To him, holding me meant that I was his, and so he held me tightly whenever he could.

Everything was great in our relationship; we were happy, he could be a bit distant at times but I let that go, we had physical chemistry, and he was highly available, there was only one problem;

"It's his face," I told the girls over lunch on Wednesday,

"What about his face?" Jackie asked,

"Well…remember how I told you it looks…" I tried to speak tactfully,

"Hideous?" Rebecca suggested,

"No, no…it's not hideous," I bit my lip, "It's just…deformed; but I am fine with it, it's just everyone else always stares at us, and I really feel horrible about it…and sometimes they whisper when we walk by…it's just so humiliating,"

"Dump him," Rebecca said without a second thought, "You're a beautiful woman; you don't need to be with a less than perfect man,"

I shook my head, "I don't want to dump him; in every other way he is the perfect man, and I am happy with him; happier than I have been in a long time,"

"Still, Liv, you have to think about the future," Susan said, "After you get married and have kids, what if they look like him?"

"Wait a minute; are you saying all that maters are looks?" Jackie asked, and then she turned to me, "I don't think you should dump a good man because of the way he looks,"

"But if you don't even want to be seen in public with him," Rebecca shook her head, "That does not make for a good relationship,"

"Well I can't break up with him," I said firmly, "I think I may actually be…" and then I stopped. It had been two weeks, and I had warned myself not to move to swiftly or expect too much, but I though I was feeling the beginnings of love; but I was not ready to say it out loud, "He really makes me happy,"

Susan stared at me and then a slow smile came across her face, "Your in love with him!" she exclaimed,

"No, no, don't use the L-word; it's a fact that as soon as you use it everything goes to hell…and…I don't want it to," I said,

"So you do love him?" Susan breathed,

"What did I just say?" I rolled my eyes,

After lunch the question still nagged me; what was I going to do? At first it had not been a problem; I had thought that Erik and I would only go out several times, but the more I knew him the more I wanted to be with him. And the more we were out in public; the more I noticed that other people were staring and whispering at us. And the more I cared about him, the more I was hurt every time this happened.

I knew he had to notice as well, and I knew it had to bother him. I walked defiantly back to my office, my head held high; I had finally met a man I was really interested in and excited to be with, and I was not going to let some small minded people stand in my way.

One of the great things about New York is you can always get something delivered.

"I thought we could stay in tonight," I said to Erik, "I am really tired and there is a great Chinese place I always order from,"

Erik nodded, he was glad to stay in my apartment where there was no chance of being gawked at. Erik had noticed every strange look he had been given when he was out with me. And not just then, when he was at work Erik noticed the odd glances and the standoffish manner in which most people greeted him for the first time. Erik had been faced with this fact time and time again; his face made people uncomfortable.

But with me Erik felt safe from ridicule, and he could remind himself that I was not bothered by his face; he came to me and wrapped his arms around me from behind.

I smiled and held up a menu for him to see, "What do you want?"

Erik had never had Chinese takeout before, and therefore the foods on the page meant nothing to him. After a moment's consideration he spoke,

"I will have whatever you are having," Erik hated situations like this, situations in which he did not know all the facts about what he was doing and he suddenly felt like he was walking for the first time,

"Okay," I dialed and ordered, "They said twenty minutes, so it will probably be about forty five,"

Erik nodded and we sat on the sofa where we had eaten eggs that first morning. I really was tired and I was happy to use Erik as a pillow, and he was happy to comply,

"So how was your day?" I asked him, nestling my head against his shoulder,

In one fluid movement, Erik put his legs up on the sofa and leaned against the back, pulling me down with him so my head rested in his chest, "We had an insane woman come into the office today,"

"Really?" I said, enjoying listening to his heart beating in his chest as I leaned against him,

"She was this rich woman who wanted to build a tower; only she did not want it in the shape of a tower; because a 'tower is nothing more than a phallic symbol,'

"Is there any other way to build a tower?" I asked confused,

"No," Erik said, draping an arm around me, and I sighed; God I had no idea I could be that relaxed,

"What happened to you today?" Erik asked me, sliding his had up and down my arm,

"I had a brief due, and one of the other guys is off on his honeymoon, so I had to do double the work,"

"You poor thing," he kissed the top of my head; there was a question building in him but he was not sure if he should ask it or not; finally he simply had to know, "What is a honeymoon?"

"Oh! It's…you know, right after you get married you take a trip somewhere romantic and beautiful and just have sex all the time," I explained, thinking that it must have been called something different in France,

"That sounds wonderful; do you have to get married to do it?" Erik asked me,

"I think so," I teased him,

"Where do you want to go on your honeymoon?" he asked me,

"I don't know," was this really happening? Usually at the first talk of marriage, men went and hid under the covers; was he really being this open with me?

Had I know more about him, I would have known that more than anything else, Erik never wanted to be alone again, and to him that meant marrying someone who would be his companion and go for walks with him on Sundays.

"Where do you want to go?" I asked him,

"I don't know; I have always wanted to go back to Rome; you have never been there?"

I shook my head, Erik took a deep breath, dare he propose what he wanted to? He spoke slowly, "We should go there sometime,"

I felt my heart rate quicken, and Erik waited breathlessly as his suggestion hung in the air, "We will," I told him,

It was hard to remember at that point why I had thought his looks would be a problem; who cared what other people thought? What did it matter if everyone who saw him made a face? We were happy! I was not going to ruin the best relationship I had had in years because of a face,

That night Erik slept at my apartment; his arms tightly around me. Erik dreamt of a house and me for a wife, and I dreamt of killer bunnies, but then I always have strange dreams.

The next day on my way to work however, my happy little world of I don't care about what people think of Erik's face was shattered. Erik had had to go into his office early and so I would be going to work alone. I had woken up when he had so I could say goodbye to him, and then since I was already awake I had begun to prepare for my day. So for once; I had my St. John skirt suit and my Michael Kors shoes on and ready to go with time to spare. When I reached the street, my doorman, stopped me,

"Miss Moss!" he called brightly and I turned to face him, "Good to see you alone this morning, you're not still with that French man, are you?"

That presumptuous, nosey prick! What business of his was it who I went out with, he was just a doorman for God's sake! But before I could tell him what I thought, he continued to tell me what he thought,

"The whole building was talking about it and we all agree; you are much too lovely to be seen with such an ugly man," he shook his head, "I don't even know how you stand to look at him,"

I was so shocked that the whole building could be this cruel that I didn't say anything, and then I realized that since I had stopped to chat with the doorman, I was not late and I had to go,

With out a word I turned and ran to the street, jumping into a cab and giving the address of my work to the driver in a shaky voice…the whole building was talking about Erik and how ugly he looked…The fact was, I knew I did not care how he looked, I was attracted to him anyway. What bothered me was that everyone's opinion might bother him, and to be honest, I hated that I had to battle the public eye every time we went out.

All morning I just wanted lunch to come so I could meet him and erase all my worries about what he looked like to other people.

"Hey honey!" I smiled as I saw him and kissed him on the cheek, desperately needing to return to the place where we were happy,

"What are you smiling about?" he asked; we were sitting across from each other at a small table for two outside of the restaurant,

My plan was ruined; I had been trying to insure a good mood by putting on a good face, apparently he was not fooled, "Nothing," I lied, "I am just happy to see you,"

"Well, I am glad to see you too," he put his hand over mine on the table; I think our mushy romantic actions were making the two bitter looking women at the table next to us want to be sick all over their vegetarian diet lunch, "And I have a confession to make," I stared at Erik,

"What?" I could not help but feel a little pang of nerves in the pit of my stomach; the fact of the matter is 'I have a confession to make' translates to 'I am sleeping with someone else'

"I did not have to go to work early this morning," Oh God here it came; how could he be having an affair? We spent every night together!

"Oh?" I said,

"I wanted to get up early so I could get this for you," Oh my God I was in love with him, he handed me a small box,

"Don't get too excited; it is nothing special, it's just something I saw this guy selling on the street and I wanted to get it for you," This was true, but his excitement at the buying something had also been half due to his pride in finally figuring out modern American currency,

I opened the box; inside was a silver necklace with a pig on it, I laughed, "Because of the dream," I smiled up at him and he smiled wider,

"Actually I got you something else too, I just saw that and thought it was tacky and I wanted to see what you would do if I gave it to you,"

I laughed, and I knew it; I loved him, "Well, what is the other thing?" I asked excitedly,

"Well, do you know what day it is?"

"Thursday?" I guessed,

"Exactly three weeks ago, we met," My heart felt sick; he remembered when we met and I had not even thought about it, "I wanted to wait until later tonight but I can't, here,"

This time he handed me a box; the shape of which I knew all too well; a shoe box, "Oh my God," I murmured, looking at the cover of the box; manolo blahnik. I took off the lid and gasped; they were the shoes, the shoes of the season. I had never, ever received such a gift from a man I was dating. In my state of shoe euphoria I forgot all of the rest of New York and I stood straight up, knocking over my chair and barely giving Erik time to stand up before I embraced him, kissing him as hard as I could,

Erik laughed, "So you like them?"

I just nodded, "Good," Erik said, and then he whispered in my ear, "This is really un romantic but I have to excuse myself for a moment,"

"Oh!" I understood, "I get it," I laughed slightly, "Hurry back," I sat back down as Erik headed for the bathroom, and I sat down and admired the shoes; they were strappy, dark blue, and had an enormous heal. I happily put the new shoe next to my foot and imagined it with a great dress I would now have to go shopping for,

As I stared blissfully at my feet; New York seeped back into my ears;

"Can you believe who some women will be with just for a man who has money? Did you see his face? I can't believe he goes out in public," One of the dried up old prunes at the table next to us spoke,

"I know! It's disgusting, that beautiful woman with that…repulsive man, just because he can afford to buy her expensive shoes,"

My heart stopped beating and I glared up at the two women; ready to tare their eyes out; when I felt a hand on my shoulder, I looked up at Erik and by the expression on his face he had heard everything,

"I have to go," He said gruffly,

"Wait! Erik! Let's just pay for these drinks and then we can go together," But he was already walking away,

I sank heavily into the now righted chair and felt a rage burning in me, and then I noticed the two women were staring at me, "I hope you two are happy," I glared at them, standing and watching as they raised their eyebrows and exchanged looks as though I was the one that was out of line, "You may have just wrecked the best relationship I have ever had!" I was yelling now and people were staring. A manager came over and looked at me pleadingly, "Alright, I am going," I said, but then I turned back to the two women, "And by the way; these shoes," I held them up, "Were an anniversary present, and I don't need him to buy them for me; I am a lawyer, and I am going to sue both of you for harassment!" they knew as I walked away it was an empty threat, but I hoped it showed them just the same,

Erik walked hastily back to his office; just wanting to disappear and wondering why he had ever thought he could go into public; the times may have changed but the facts remained the same Erik thought; I am hideous.

He felt sick when he came back to the office so he went straight to the bathroom. Erik grabbed the marred side of his face and wished he could just tare it off. No matter where he went he just kept running into the problem over and over again. It was always there, stopping him from being happy.

The door of the bathroom opened and two men entered; Erik had ashamedly hid himself in the stall so the two men would not see him,

"So they are going to give the new guy the lead on the Smith account," Erik knew immediately that they were talking about him; and this was the first he had heard about him being in control of the design for the Smith account, but this would be the only good thing Erik overheard,

"Really?" the other man said, "I hate that guy; I don't trust foreigners, and he is so…gross looking,"

"You want to hear the worst part? I have seen the girl he is dating, and she is really hot,"

"What is it with women? I could never be with a girl that ugly,"

They left and Erik felt crushed; he wanted to slink back to his apartment and never leave, but he finished the day at work because of the fact that he wanted that Smith account more than he wanted to hide.

Still, he felt incredibly low when he met me so we could take a cab home together,

"Hey there," I said when I saw him, giving him an embrace which he did not return, I felt like crying, how could we have been so happy this afternoon and so sad now?

Erik did not answer me, he just stared off into the night, "Are you sure you want to share a cab home with me?" he asked listlessly,

"Erik, don't do this," I grabbed his arm, "Look; I put on the shoes you bought me," I showed him my feet,

He just snorted. In the cab home he would not look at me or talk to me. When we reached the door I spoke, "Are you coming in?" I looked up at him hopefully,

"No," he said,

"Please Erik, I think we need to talk," I begged him,

"No," he said again,

"Erik, what those women said today was not right but you shouldn't let it bother you,"

"Shouldn't let it bother me!" He yelled, "This whole city thinks I am the ugliest man alive; and nobody thinks I should be with you,"

"What do you think? Do you think you should be with me?" I asked him angrily, "I think we have something good here and I don't want to lose it,"

He shook his head, "Goodnight Olivia," he retreated to his apartment; he didn't even kiss me.

That night I slept alone for the first time in a long time. As I lay in my bed, it seemed much larger than it had before; it seemed much colder as well. I called Erik five times after one o'clock, but he never picked up.

"So now I have no idea what I am going to do," I told Jackie as we shopped for a birthday present for a friend, "I don't want to break up with him, but I don't know how to help him either,"

"Did you try talking to him?" She asked as she looked at the multicolored scarves in the store,

"Yes I tried! He thinks he looks to ugly for me,"

Jackie stopped and looked at me, "He is really that ugly? People actually talk about him?"

"No! well, he is not ugly to me," I said, "What am I going to do?"

"You have to get him over this fear of public opinion he has," Jackie said, "You just have to condition him to not care what anyone but you thinks,"

"So I have to subject him to criticism again and again until he is numb?" I looked miserably at my friend, "Help!"

That night I banged on Erik's door until he was forced to open it,

"What is it?" he asked,

"Can I come in?" I pushed past him and entered his apartment before he answered,

"What is it Olivia?" he asked,

"Erik, what happened?" I grabbed his arms which were folded across his chest, "We were doing so well together,"

"Olivia," he pushed my hands away, "I cannot be with you," Erik had been thinking about it all day, and he had come to the conclusion that he was not the right man for me, that I deserved a man with more than half a face,

"Erik please! Don't say that! do you understand that the weeks we have been together have been some of the happiest in my life! I don't want to let you go just because of what other people think," I put my arms around him and leaned against him.

For a few minutes we just stood there; I could feel his arms crossed under me as I pressed against him, and ever so slowly I felt his arms slide apart and then re cross around me. I felt tears in my eyes because I knew he was back,

Erik felt me shake slightly and he knew I was crying, "Please don't," he said, gently tilting my head back and wiping the tears from my eyes, "I hate to see you cry because of me,"

"Than don't do stupid things," I said lightly hitting his chest and smiling at him, "You know; if yesterday was the anniversary of the day we first met, than you know what tonight is the anniversary of?"

For the first time in awhile Erik smiled, well, half smiled, "Yes, I think I remember that night," he kissed me finally,

"We should go out and celebrate," I said when out kiss broke,

Erik sighed, "Olivia, I hate going out,"

"I know," I sighed, "But you can't just stay in your apartment all the time and only leave to go to work!"

"This is why I don't think we should be together," Erik said, stepping away from me, "You need someone who can go out and really be with you, and I don't think I can do that,"

"Erik, do you really want to give up this easily?" I put my hands on my hips,

"This is not a petty thing!" Erik yelled, "You have only had to deal with this kind of scrutiny for three weeks! I have been facing it my whole life! Do you know what it is like to feel like the whole world is shunning you every time you walk outside?"

He looked furious; I had never seen him this angry and it scared a part of me; but the New York lawyer was not backing down, "Are you happy with me Erik?" I demanded,

"Yes!" he shouted back; and then he shifted slightly, I don't think he meant to yell that,

"Do you know how hard it is to find someone to make you feel that way?"

"Only too well," he responded in a lowered voice,

"Well then we should fight like hell to keep this going," I stepped toward him again,

"Alright," he sighed, "Alright; we are going out,"

An hour later I had found a sexy black dress that went with my new blue shoes and a clutch to top it all off. Erik was dressed in black as always, and even though he looked wonderful, I made a mental note to buy him something in an actual color,

We went to a little French restaurant which, at nine on a Friday night, was absolutely packed. As we walked to a seat through the throngs of hungry New Yorkers, Erik felt like he was facing his worst nightmare.

The host sat us down and took our drink orders. I prayed that tonight we would have no problems, and the people at the tables around us would just keep to themselves; but of course that was too much to ask.

We had not been two minutes at the table before Erik heard the couple next to us whisper, "Do you see that man? This must have been a blind date; poor girl,"

Erik got up; he had tried but he felt he simply could not do it. His face turned red as he ran out of the restaurant;

"Erik!" I called after him, but he did not come back to me, I felt a ringing in my ears, but I would not just let him go,

"Erik!" I caught up with him outside the restaurant, "Where are you going?"

"I can't sit in there Olivia!" he yelled, "I just can't, and if that means we are over than we are over,"

"Listen to me Erik!" I shouted back, "At some point you are just going to have to face the fact that you are not who other people say you are! You are wonderful and I want to be with you! Why does that mean less than what strangers say about you? Why are you willing to leave me because people you will never see again think you look improper?"

Erik took several deep breaths, "I just can't Olivia, I have never been able to face the public, and I don't think I can,"

"Is that it then?" I felt my legs weakening,

"I think so," Erik said, and I fought back tears,

"Than I think you should know," I said shakily, "I was falling in love with you Erik," I kissed his marred cheek and slowly stepped away from him, I wanted to speak but I couldn't, so I just retreated back into the restaurant. I wanted to leave but when I reached the table, I just broke down and cried.

Outside Erik began to walk. He did not look at the faces of the people he passed as they walked by; all he thought about was leaving me. He had not wanted to, but he knew he had to.

He hailed a cab to take him home, but as he reached for the door; he noticed his own reflection in the tinted window. At that moment, Erik came face to face with his face. He stared at the bumpy, twisted flesh of his deformed face. This was what was holding him back and keeping him alone.

"Hey buddy, in or out?" the cab driver yelled to Erik, calling him back to reality,

Erik stepped back and let the cab drive away; Erik had just really looked at his face for the first time; and he faced the facts; it was his face, but this was his life, and he had just turned down a chance at happiness, just because of his face. What was it anyway? It was just a face, and they were just other people, and if he had me to face it all with him, than what was so scary about it all? He ran back to the restaurant.

I was trying to pull myself together; I had to face it; I could never be happy, the first man in years I had felt something genuine for had left me a mess. The one man I had trusted had left me broken in a restaurant in an expensive dress and new shoes.

"Olivia?" hearing his voice I thought I was dreaming,

"What…are you doing here?" I asked, standing and wiping tears from my eyes,

"I think I am falling in love with you too," he said, and he pulled me to him,

We were standing in the middle of the restaurant and everyone was staring at us as he kissed me. Some people, who had not ordered make out with their mutton, were offended, some clapped, and some just looked away. After we came out of our own little world Erik and I were both a bit embarrassed at the fact that we had just kissed in the middle of a crowded restaurant, but we faced it together.