Dressing

I was in rough shape. I didn't sleep. I hardly ate. I worked; a lot. However, no matter how hard I worked I could not block out the pain of losing Erik. The roses he had given me still sat on my kitchen table They were dead now, and my friends thought I was morbid for keeping them, but I did it just the same.

Erik did not really know how he had ended up in another relationship. But in all honesty, he knew that what he had with Karen was no relationship. They ate together, they slept in the same bed, they had sex…but Erik felt what was missing. There was no love between he and Karen.

And so, he set out to prove his theory; a relationship without love is better for you.

"So, what should we do today?" Karen Hegel had just woken up, and she was watching Erik as he rolled out of her bed,

"I have to work," he said simply,

"Alright, I'm going shopping,"

Erik grunted. The truth was, they rarely did anything as a "we." They both understood that the other was a settle for and neither of them had any problem with this. They were both afraid of being in love, but they did not want to be alone either.

Mostly this worked for them, they were reasonably happy, and that was good enough.

"Karen! Would you get this damn cat off of my work!" Erik, frustrated, shoved Karen Hegel's cat off his plans for a new building,

"Be nice to Mr. Snowball," Karen simpered, picking up her cat and rubbing him against her face,

Erik hated the stupid cat; it made him sneeze and it was always all over his blueprints, "Is it so much to ask that that cat say on the ground," he said angrily, and then he mumbled under his breath, "Sammy never jumped on my blueprints,"

And that was all it took. Suddenly he flashed back to that day when we had got the dog, and he wondered how he was doing…and despite himself, he wondered how I was doing to…

I was still trying to fend off Mark. He was still calling me, and one day he barged into my life again. One Friday night, all the girls had dates and I found myself, not wanting to stay in, out at a restaurant. I went there straight from my office, and true to his creepy form, Mark followed me in.

After I was seated, he made his move.

"Mark! What the hell?" I cried as he sat down across from me at my table and the weightier handed him a menu,

"I thought you could use some company," Mark smiled slyly; I hated that smile,

Meanwhile, across the room, Erik happened to be on another mediocre date with Karen Hegel. He excused himself to go to the bathroom, but on the way…

He passed my table. He saw me and he panicked; suddenly he felt like he just wanted to melt away into the shadows. So, he did what any one would do when they saw the person they were still in love with…he hid.

"I think you should leave Mark, and don't think I am going to pay for your dinner," I glared at him,

"I think I am going to get the stake, I hear it is good here,"

"I think I am going to hit you with a stake if you don't get out of here!" I yelled at him, and, hidden from view, Erik laughed slightly at my comment,

"I shaking Olivia," Mark scoffed, he sighed and put down his menu, "I think this talk has been a long time coming, and I finally have you here so I am going to talk,"

At that moment the waiter came and took our drink order. Still hiding and listening, Erik whispered 'cosmopolitan' as the waiter asked me what I wanted,

"Anyway Olivia, I suppose you have been thinking about what happened the last time we met…" Mark drawled,

"You mean the time you ruined my life?" I interjected angrily,

"I ruined your life?" Mark questioned, and at this moment the drinks came,

"Yes," I snapped, "Not that it is any of you business, but after he threw you out, Erik broke up with me,"

"Really…sounds like I did you a favor…he was a gruesome looking freak wasn't he?" Mark laughed slightly,

I felt a burning rage rise with in me, and Mark was going to catch it in full. I stood from my chair and picked up my glass, my heart was pounding and I felt like the temperature in the room had risen to a dangerously high level. I threw my drink in Mark's face, staining his expensive shirt with red cosmo,

"Listen you dolt!" I shouted for the whole restaurant to hear, "Don't you dare talk about Erik that way! He was the best thing that ever happened to me! I love him ten times more than I ever thought to love you! He was the most kind, smart, HANDSOME man I ever met!" I realized the entire place was staring at me and I turned to leave, but not before I shot Mark's ego one last time, "And by the way, he was WAY better in bed, WAY better!" I shouted at him.

I then ran like hell out of the place, sticking Mark with the bill and sure that at least he would not be calling me back again.

Erik stood in the restaurant; he looked as stunned as everyone else in the place, but for a completely different reason. He felt dazed, had I really meant all I had just said? Erik decided that he had to know. He bolted from the restaurant in an attempt to find me.

Unfortunately, the moment he opened the door to the street was the moment I opened the door to my cab. I got in and drove away without ever seeing him. In the cab, I began to shake as my brief sense of triumph over Mark began to leave me. As I heard what I had screamed at him over in my head, I stared to cry again; I had said that I love Erik ten times more, not that I loved, no past tense. I was still in love with a man who hated me.

But I was wrong. Erik did not hate me. He never hated me; he had been heartbroken, but he had still loved me. As Erik watched the cab drive away, he suddenly realized just how much he missed me. And as he was walked back to the table where Karen Hegel waited for him, he began to miss me even more.

"Was that…Olivia yelling?" Karen asked suspiciously as Erik sat back down,

"Yes, I believe it was," Erik responded in a non committal tone,

However, Karen Hegel was not fooled. She saw the gazed over look in Erik's green blue eyes and the way he tuned slightly to the door where I had walked out. Karen knew what Erik was thinking; he was still in love with me. Karen thought for a moment. She knew there was a good chance that Erik would never stop loving me, and that meant that he could really never love her. However, Karen just shrugged. She had a good job, she had friends, and she had this season's newest Fendi purse, what did she need with love?

And so we beat on, boats against the current day to day of New York. Erik continued to see Karen Hegel, and he was slowly becoming more and more miserable. He remembered his times with Christine, when every day had been filled with the pain and agony of longing and frustration. He remembered the feeling of emptiness, not only caused by Christine, from a whole life without love. And now the empty feeling was there again.

I was slowly loosing hope. Every day I looked at the wilting roses on my table I became more and more depressed. He was not coming back. I was devastated; I had had my heart broken before, but this was different, this was worse, this was much worse.

Still, I never saw Erik in the hall. I wanted to talk to him, but I still never saw him. I thought that I was becoming numb and that soon I might start to feel better, but then I did see him.

It was Saturday afternoon and I was walking to meet the girls as our favorite lunch café, and there he was in front of me. He and Karen. I had not realized he was seeing someone else. He was carrying her shopping bags and she had her arm through his.

It is a strange feeling, when every other sound in New York stops and all you can hear and all you can see are the two people in front of you. It was like watching a movie; Karen stopped and pointed to a store; Erik shook his head and pointed to a bench on the street. Karen laughed and then, to my horror, she kissed him. Right there on the street of New York she kissed my Erik, right in front of me. I felt like someone was punching me in the stomach over and over again. I felt like I had been sliding out of control as I watched them, and then as they kissed, I felt like I had crashed into a wall. I felt my back hit the wall and my eyes blurred as I started to cry.

Down the street several feet, Erik sat on the bench. He remembered shopping with me, but he did not remember it being this painful. He sighed and looked around him at the people milling around the streets and he pulled his coat tighter around him. And then he saw, leaning against the wall shaking; me.

He knew it was me, he would have recognized my Manolo Blahnic shoes anywhere. He was so shocked he dropped the bags he had been holding for Karen. He stared at me, was I crying?

Without thinking, Erik walked toward me, leaving all the shopping bags unattended on the bench. Panicked, I looked up. Seeing him walking toward me I froze. This was not the optimum situation for me to see Erik again, so I did the only thing a girl could do when she sees the man she is still in love with…I ran.

I did not look back, I just bolted. I heard him call out my name and start to run behind me, and I knew he would catch me in a minute; if I ran any faster the straps on my shoes would break. So I improvised; I turned into a restaurant and made a beeline for the woman's bathroom.

Erik followed me in; he rapped on the woman's door, "Olivia," he called, "Olivia?"

But I couldn't see him. I could not look at him after I had seen him kiss Karen. I sat in one of the stalls, crying into my hands and shaking as though I had just been outside in the cold wearing a summer dress.

Outside, Erik sighed. I was not going to come out, and he was making a scene. People were starting to stare, and a man was coming over to talk to him. Defeated, Erik walked out of the place, leaving me in peace to cry.

Erik strode back to the bench, noting, without really caring, that the bags he had left were now gone. A moment later, Karen walked out to meet him,

"Sorry that took so long honey," Karen smiled as she walked up to Erik,

"It's fine," Erik mumbled, not completely listening to her,

"It was this dress; I couldn't make up my mind if I wanted to buy it or not, and the sales attendant said it looked so good, but then they always say that but, well, you know how it is…" Karen rambled on without realizing that Erik was not listening,

"Hey, honey, where are my bags?" Karen noticed that Erik's hand were empty,

"Oh…I…I don't know," Erik said distractedly,

"What!" Karen was furious, "How could you not know where they are!"

"I left them alone," Erik admitted, still seeing the image of me crying and running in his head,

"Why the hell did you do that?" Karen screamed,

"I don't know!" Erik suddenly snapped, "I will replace the items you lost if you care that damn much!" He glared at Karen, not understanding how she could care about missing shopping bags when I was in a bathroom crying,

Karen looked up, stunned, "Alright," she said softly, backing down in the face of Erik's rage,

They walked silently back to Karen's apartment. On the walk back, Erik thought of nothing but me running away from him. He sighed as he stared at the fall leaves he was crushing under his foot. He hated that somewhere I was crying. Whoever had made me cry had to pay, Erik thought. The idea that I was crying over him had not really occurred to him. He did not think anyone would ever cry over him, and so he concluded that someone else must have upset me.

Erik found himself still thinking about me later that evening. He and Karen were planning a quiet evening in, but all he could think about was the tears on my face. He tired to ignore it and convince himself that nothing was bothering him. Erik thought it was absolutely crucial to his survival; he knew that if he allowed himself to continue down the road of Olivia obsession he would end up in a crash.

However, he could not help it. He kept thinking of me, and no matter how much he tried to convince himself that he did not care, and that it was better for him to not be with me, the truth was, he did care.

"Karen, on second thought I don't think I can stay tonight," Erik said suddenly, feeling that if he did not do something he would throw something,

"Oh, but I rented The Notebook," Karen looked sadly at him,

Erik felt that any exit at this point was a good exit; as long as he didn't have to watch whatever The Notebook was. He made his excuses and he left.

Twenty minutes later, Erik stood in front of my door. His emotions had driven him there, but now he had no idea what to do. He had effectively ignored me for weeks and he was not sure that I would want to speak to him, but he had to see; he had to know who had upset me, so he could deal with whoever it was properly. With a deep breath, he knocked on my door.

Inside, I pulled out of my depression and responded to the knock on the door. I in no way expected to see Erik standing there. I shifted my weight; running earlier had not worked, I was busted.

It was surreal; for weeks all I wanted was to see Erik, and now that he was here standing face to face with me, all I wanted was for him to leave me alone.

I wanted to ask him what he wanted, but I could not find the strength. He wanted to ask me what had upset be earlier, but his rich voice seemed to have died in his throat. For a moment we just stared at each other; he looked good. He had grown out his dark hair slightly to cover his uneven hair line and a stray strand had fallen into his burning eyes. I felt my pulse quicken as he stared at me. I hated to think what he thought I looked like; my hair was a mess and had not been cut in awhile, and my eyes were all red and puffy from crying. I didn't know it, but he thought I looked beautiful.

"Well?" I finally found the courage to say,

"I…" he stuttered, "I saw you…earlier…" He did not really know where he was going with this; it had seemed like the absolute right thing to do before, as obviously right as the little black dress. But now, he felt he might have committed a faux pas, "You seemed…upset," he felt like an idiot say it; of course I had been upset, but he did not know how else to say it,

"Yes, I was," I stared at him blankly; how did he know he had not broken my heart and that was why I was upset? What was he trying to do to me?

"May…may I ask you…why?" Erik stammered out,

"My God Erik, do you really not know?" I felt like punching him; he broke my heart, he would not listen to me, and now he was coming back to rub it all in my face?

"No," Erik said blankly, the thought that he had caused me all that pain still had not occurred to him, "Who…who hurt you?"

I got so mad I slapped him in the face, "Are you that dense!" I screamed, "For a smart man you can be really stupid!" I kept shouting, "You! You imbecile! You broke my heart! You left me and you wouldn't even listen to me when I tried to explain to you what happened! You crushed me! And you don't even care! You can just move on and kiss…other women and not even think about me!" I felt tears in my eyes again, "I loved you with all of my heart and you don't even care about me!" I was shaking now and I couldn't stand to look at him anymore so I slammed the door.

Erik felt like he had been hit by a car. He leaned against me doorframe and through the wall he could hear me sobbing on the other side. He was shocked; he had had not idea that I had love him that much; he had never suspected that it would pain me to lose him.

He walked back to his apartment with a heavy heart. He opened his door and walked in, falling listlessly on the sofa. He had been ready for me to say that Mark, or someone from work, or someone else had been mean to me or something. He had been ready to kill whoever had done me harm; and now he found it was he himself who he thought deserved death.

My words rang in his ears and the spot on my face where I had slapped him stung. Never, ever, had he meant to hurt me. He had thought that in leaving me he was giving me what I wanted, and that only he was suffering. He had believed that it was his lot in life to be in pain and without love. To his amazement I was just as upset at our falling out as he was.

Still, Erik could not get out of his relationship with Karen. And so, Erik allowed Karen to introduce him to her friends. One evening they all met at an Italian restaurant. The food was fine, but the dinner was uncomfortable. Despite pleasant conversation, Erik could feel the eyes on the side of his face. He could tell that everyone was staring at him, and by the slight whispers and meaningful looks exchanged when no one thought he was looking no one there approved of him.

On this occasion, Erik was right. Karen's friends all were of that cast of New York men and women who believed in the idea; the ideal clothes, shoes, houses, and most importantly the idea spouse. Karen's friends believed that looking for a man was like shopping for clothes; you should not buy it unless it fits perfectly and there are not flaws in the stitching. Erik's face, to them, was more than faulty stitching; it was a giant stain.

Erik did not care about any of this. All he thought about now was what he had done to me. He had broken my heart. He had been so angry that someone had hurt me, never thinking it could have been himself. He was the one who deserved to die.

After the dinner, Karen's friend Shelly pulled her over,

"Karen, you have to let this one go," She whispered in here ear,

"What!" Karen was shocked "Why?"

"His face honey! Look at his face!"

That night, all Karen Hegel could think about was Erik's face. Yes, it was shocking, but there were so many other factors. He was smart and kind; even if he did yell and get angry at times. He had a great job and a lot of money. All these things made Karen want to keep hold of him. Unable to sleep, Karen wondered, if Erik's face was the giant stain on the perfect dress, was there no way to wash it out?

The next night New York got hit with its first big storm. It rain like mad and the wind was wild. Still, Karen and Erik had reservations and braved the weather to make dinner at nine. Karen picked this dinner to talk to Erik about the idea of facial cleansing,

"So, what did you think of my friends?" Karen asked in a would be cheery voice,

"I think they hated me, and that they are a bit dull," Erik said honestly,

"Oh, they didn't hate you, they were just…a bit put off by your…" Karen did not know how to say it,

"I know, most people are the first time they meet me," Karen did not know how to tell Erik that she was still bothered with it to,

"How long has your face been…that way?" Karen asked innocently, trying to bring the conversation to a point where she could ask him,

"All my life," Erik responded in a bland voice; he was unsure why Karen was insisting on asking so many questions about his face, he preferred not to talk about it,

"Well, does it always…cause problems?"

Erik glared at her, what was her angle? If she could only know all the trouble his face had caused him…

"Yes, it does," He growled,

"Well, have you ever thought of doing something about it?" Karen gave him her brightest smile and handed him a piece of paper,

Erik took it and read it. It was about plastic surgery; to fix his face. In that moment; Erik felt all his feelings rush over him. Karen did not care about him; well, not the him I had cared about. I had cared about the man; all Karen cared about was the dressing. And Erik realized, he had let it happen. He had let himself become a different man than the one he had been when he had been seeing me.

He had become the Erik who didn't care; who tried to numb himself against feeling, and in the process he had hurt me. As he stared at the paper he wondered, was it worth it? Was this what he wanted? Yes, love was painful, but was the pain better than nothing at all? He knew the chance of happiness was. Still deep in thought, Erik let the paper fall to the ground and he stood,

"Erik, what are you doing?" Karen asked,

Erik did not respond; he was done with Karen as far as he was concerned. He left her sitting there bewildered and headed out into the storm. He called a cab and got in.

Thinking it over in his head as the cab whizzed around the already slick corners, Erik had every intention of coming over to talk to me. And as the cabbie realized his taxi was out of control, he had every intention of stopping, but he could not. The breaks spun and the cab swerved, skidding into an intersection. Two cars came at the unfortunate cab from opposite directions and crushed it, spinning it around in the process. Other cars followed, unable to stop quickly in the pouring rain. For a moment, the New York street was filled with the horrific honking of horns and calls out the window. The sound of the crunching metal followed by other doors opening as people cautiously approached the cars, and in the center sat the cab; completely crushed by the others.

And just like that, Erik died.

At one AM I got a phone call from the hospital.